Open to honest answers … my partner dislikes my relationship with my mother

[Rosieposey91]

Bit of background information… my parents separated when I was 3 years old. Super close bond with my mum. Best friends as well as mother and daughter.

my partner is a jealous type. Since the beginning of our relationship, hasn’t understood our closeness and would get aggravated if I text her when we was out together or if she checked I am ok etc if it was getting late.

we often speak several times a day. He is off work at the moment and he gets so angry when she calls or I call her. He calls me a baby and says I’m weird. I am not changing for him, I’ve always been like this with my mum and she has with her mum and I know a lot of families from my area who are the same (eastenders). He isn’t from the same area and he isn’t close with his family.

he said it’s affecting our relationship. That he wants me to cut back the time I speak to her. That we never even finish a film without her calling me. Why can’t she just wait until the end etc. I do get this point as sometimes I will say I am watching something and she still calls me before I’ve let her know it’s finished. Although she will say it’s only a quick question or that it’s late and she is going to bed. Then I feel stuck in the middle because I understand it’s frustrating for my partner when she can’t just wait until I’ve let her know the film is finished.

i do have some health conditions so she worries about me but she has also been able to just call when she wants regardless if I am watching a film etc I’ve never had a problem pausing it to talk to her. Am I in the wrong? He will sit there sulking and then not speak to me the rest of the evening and go upstairs and sulk without eating any dinner etc.

just wondered if people
could give some advise and whether I am right to not change my relationship with my mum? He also says she speaks over him but sometimes he talks for ages and admits he goes on and when she was over she wanted to ask something so she did. He then says it’s rude and no manners. I’m finding it all really stressful and because I’m used to my mum I don’t want to assume it’s him being funny when maybe I do need to put boundaries in place?

i am happy with my relationship with my mum. So it’s only my partner who is annoyed with it despite it not being his relationship and wants me to change even though it’s not affecting me.

thank you xx

Ugh I'd bin the relationship off if i were your partner, all sounds ridiculous.

I suspect the anger is about denial and cognitive dissonance more than an honest fight about meanness. People often get angry when their unhealthy habits are challenged. It's pretty classic in counselling.

It's easy to say, "fuck you all" and flounce than examine what are pretty unhealthy boundaries. Fine for her to do that. But she shouldn't recreate this with your own DD.

Generations of families still live together in much of the world. They often did so often in the western world until fairly recently in history. What’s the big unhealthy problem about being part of a family member’s daily life via text and phone calls?

There's challenging and then there's being an arsehole to an OP because you want to join in the pile on.

Because it's the done thing on MN to kick your child out at 18 or no NC with your parents if they look at you a bit funny.

I’m all for sending them out into the world.

Of course most younger people don’t want to talk to their parents much. I didn’t talk to mine daily even ten years ago.

But so many people are single and live alone, either by choice or by circumstance. Why would it be weird to have one person that they engage with daily and rely on? And why shouldn’t that person be a family member?

Because it's the done thing on MN to kick your child out at 18 or no NC with your parents if they look at you a bit funny.

There is a substantial middle ground in between being NC with your parents and texting them to say you're going to bed, and then again to say you've made it up the stairs without dying. I chat to mine a couple of times a week, for somewhere between half an hour and an hour. Works fine. I know what they're up to and how they are and vice versa. In between we all get on with our own separate lives.

We used to ring MIL every evening until she went into a care home. She had dementia and couldn't work out how to use a mobile and never got the hang of texting. But that was the extent of contact except when we went to visit her.

Her mother tells her goodnight and she says goodnight. Later, she tells her mother she’s in bed.

Just because one person’s separate life doesn’t involve daily engagement with their parents, doesn’t mean it’s the only way to live.

I can’t think of anyone I know who doesn’t have at least one person they text with outside of their own spouse on a daily basis, multiple times a day. Is that unhealthy, too?

I’ll bet there are plenty even in this thread who spend more time daily engaging with strangers on MN than OP spends on these little micro interactions with her Mother. I’m one, for sure. Not particularly healthy but none of the OP’s critics seem to care about that.

Look we are all just trying to get through life and enjoy it. Being close to people we care about is probably the most healthy way imaginable to do this.

I can’t think of anyone I know who doesn’t have at least one person they text with outside of their own spouse on a daily basis, multiple times a day.

I don't. I'm of a generation that would find it too much of a faff to do this. I pre-date mobile phones and bought my first brick mobile when I was 36.

I don't feel the need to constantly message anyone, not even DH or DD. I talk to DD most days when she is waiting for her train home from work, but constant messaging is an irritation I can do without.

DD, on the other hand, does constantly message her friends, but she is 22.

@RampantIvy Oh I remember the brick phones 😂

I'm the same, I'm not really the type of person to have to be in contact with someone all the time as I like my own company. My husband is my best friend but even when he goes out, I only text him if we need anything etc.

It's too draining to constantly text and talk on the phone.

It's too draining to constantly text and talk on the phone.

Yes! That is exactly how I feel.

I can’t think of anyone I know who doesn’t have at least one person they text with outside of their own spouse on a daily basis, multiple times a day. Is that unhealthy, too?

I can't think of anyone I know who does that, at all. It may be generational though. I grew up without mobile phones so it just wasn't something on offer. As to whether it's healthy or not, well it depends. Does it enhance their relationships or detract from them? There is an expectation that one moves on from the parental relationship to other relationships. The OP isn't doing that and it appears to be detrimental to her, although she doesn't seem to see it in those terms.

The OP could go through a checklist such as this one and see whether or not there might be an issue:

http://www.odessawellness.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/03/parentenmeshmentchecklist.pdf
Although god alone knows what's going on with their apostrophes. Presumably their psychiatry is better than their grammar.

This. Loneliness is a chronic problem and it is getting worse. Even those with partners, big families and lots of friends can feel lonely despite being surrounded by people because they struggle to “connect” for whatever reason.

I agree with previous posters that there is a chance that OP is suffering in her relationship more than she is comfortable sharing at the moment. Her original post may be the first step in opening up about bigger problems and she did try to open up by sharing details about her partner’s gambling problem and breaking the children’s toys. If any of us have lived with someone who has an addiction, we will know that the problem doesn’t stop there. I think most of us would agree that this isn’t a healthy environment for OP or their children. Her mum may be aware of other events which is why she is so persistent with contact.

And @TheShellBeach You are correct, people are uncivil to each other on plenty of platforms. However, does that make it right?

Your partner sounds pretty immature to be honest & the only thing I see effecting your relationship right now is his attitude to you speaking to & messaging your mum which is a major relationship control red flag!

It is contact with a parent & it isn’t like they are controlling your life as it is a few minutes on the phone.
Pissy attitude alone over a phone call would be a massive turn off for me & I’d be reconsidering the relationship!

YANBU and I don’t like the way he’s trying to control you. BUT, it does sound a bit heavy with all the calls, maybe you could have her text or message you so not so disruptive?

I think this is not an "either or" thing. I think he's not the partner for you regardless of the rights and wrongs of your relationship with your mother because it sticks you between a rock and a hard place BUT you might want to think about recalibrating your relationship with your mother as I am not sure its healthy for either of you. Kick the partner to the kerb and give yourself some breathing space to think about how YOU want your life to be.

Everyone sucks here. You need to establish a boundary with your mother because it does sound annoying and your dh is justified in that. However he is a big sulky baby and needs to work on how he communicates. You need to see you have been weak by not addressing this earlier and its your responsibility to fix

Your relationship with your mother is over-enmeshed. You won’t see this because it’s your normal, but it isn’t normal. Maybe some family therapy with you, your mother and your partner would help, but I don’t think you want, or will accept help with it. You have already decided that your partner is being unreasonable by objecting to the intrusion. He isn’t! He handles it in a childish manner, probably because he doesn’t know how to deal with it.

You don’t find this a problem right now, but you will when your mother dies. I envisage that even thinking about that makes you very anxious. The level of closeness between you and your mother is at a pre-adolescent level. The natural conflicts in adolescence usually lead to the beginning of parents and children becoming more emotionally independent of each other. That hasn’t happened for you and your mum. If you don’t progress with this, when you lose her, you will be as devastated as a pre-adolescent would be and however much you choose not to think about it, that day will come.

Exactly this. I have a very close relationship with my mum. Yes we talk every day but the difference being my husband isn’t jealous or a bellend.

@Rosieposey91
I speak with my DM at least once a day. We also text. If I am popping to a shop after gym I will ring to see if she needs anything, when she pops to Tesco she asks me. I also stop in a couple of times a week then again at the weekends.
I've spoken with her numerous times over this bH weekend and seen her sat/sun/ and today.
I'm not needy, nor is she. It's just how we are. My DH doesn't ever complain, he has a great relationship with his Mil and Fil although doesn't need to speak with them daily.
If either of us ring and it's not convenient we just say, or don't answer and text. I just assumed it's a normal mum/daughter relationship 😳

I lost my mum 17 months ago. She raised us on her own from I was two. She was mother, father, grandparents, aunts and uncles to us. She was all we had and all we knew. Cherish every second with her. Talk to her 20 times a day if you want to. I know my reply won’t be popular but here is the thing. Your mother gives you life, she shares her body, her blood and risks her life to have you. My mum was and will always be the biggest love of my life. Everything I am, she made me. I have been happily married for ten years and with my husband for 20, we have a great relationship. I have tonnes of friends etc but my mum was my best friend and dealing with her passing has been the hardest thing I have ever had to do, so what if you text her during a film, you aren’t asking him to do it. My DH never had an issue with my calling my mum ten times a day and vice versa. He and I both have rich full lives and actually when we had a row, he would go to my mums and unburden to her. She never took sides or interfered. She loved him to bits and he loved her. I don’t think it’s weird to have a close relationship with your parent. I think it’s beautiful. There is a saying…. “Relationships and people will come and go… but my mum, she loves me always” I appreciate some people don’t have that type of bond with their mum and won’t get it, but you do. If he can’t see it or worse is threatened by it, imagine what he would be like if you had children…. If he thinks your mum is demanding of your time. Times that by about 300 LOL. It’s about his insecurities, demanding your attention and your time all the time. He wants it all. He is disrespectful and childish and that is the real problem.…. but that’s only my opinion.

Well I for one have twice suggested she leave him and been totally ignored

imagine what he would be like if you had children…. If he thinks your mum is demanding of your time.

The OP has clearly stated, more than once, that she has children. It's not clear who the father is, because she refers to them as hers, not theirs.

Your mum is not your "best friend". She is your mum. You seem to have a co-dependent relationship with her. That said, your partner could be more supportive in helping you to break that cycle. This isn't going to end well. sorry.