Open to honest answers … my partner dislikes my relationship with my mother

[Rosieposey91]

Bit of background information… my parents separated when I was 3 years old. Super close bond with my mum. Best friends as well as mother and daughter.

my partner is a jealous type. Since the beginning of our relationship, hasn’t understood our closeness and would get aggravated if I text her when we was out together or if she checked I am ok etc if it was getting late.

we often speak several times a day. He is off work at the moment and he gets so angry when she calls or I call her. He calls me a baby and says I’m weird. I am not changing for him, I’ve always been like this with my mum and she has with her mum and I know a lot of families from my area who are the same (eastenders). He isn’t from the same area and he isn’t close with his family.

he said it’s affecting our relationship. That he wants me to cut back the time I speak to her. That we never even finish a film without her calling me. Why can’t she just wait until the end etc. I do get this point as sometimes I will say I am watching something and she still calls me before I’ve let her know it’s finished. Although she will say it’s only a quick question or that it’s late and she is going to bed. Then I feel stuck in the middle because I understand it’s frustrating for my partner when she can’t just wait until I’ve let her know the film is finished.

i do have some health conditions so she worries about me but she has also been able to just call when she wants regardless if I am watching a film etc I’ve never had a problem pausing it to talk to her. Am I in the wrong? He will sit there sulking and then not speak to me the rest of the evening and go upstairs and sulk without eating any dinner etc.

just wondered if people
could give some advise and whether I am right to not change my relationship with my mum? He also says she speaks over him but sometimes he talks for ages and admits he goes on and when she was over she wanted to ask something so she did. He then says it’s rude and no manners. I’m finding it all really stressful and because I’m used to my mum I don’t want to assume it’s him being funny when maybe I do need to put boundaries in place?

i am happy with my relationship with my mum. So it’s only my partner who is annoyed with it despite it not being his relationship and wants me to change even though it’s not affecting me.

thank you xx

Hmm I had an ex that would fuss about my mum's level of contact.. I had to put phone on silent when at his or he'd go mad..but this is why he is ex..looking back the way he reacted to any contact with any of my family or friends was very controlling.
I ended up not seeing friends very much and it did get to a point of choose him or family...mum's not perfect and does phone too much but there are ways of dealing with it. Being a controlling dick is not one of them...

He sounds like an arse. He's jealous, he name calls, he sulks. It's like you're dating a pre schooler.

Your mum is effectively your partner. You value her much more than the father of your children. You manage not to be on the phone to your mum when you're with friends and your children but not when you're with him. No wonder he is frustrated.

Also, your 3 year old is complaining about dad? I wonder where they get that from.

The honest thing to do would be to stop pretending this man is your partner.

I didn’t want to read and run. I understand your closeness with your mother. I’m not v. Close to mine but I have a sister who is very, very close to my mother and because of this seems to have ‘abandonment issues‘. She can’t seem to be left alone or ignored, and it’s not just my mother she does it to. She will call me any hours of the day, even if I’m at work or busy, and she’ll message the group chat (we have a family group chat) constantly. I feel for your partner because it is draining mentally. Maybe it’s time to set some boundaries for all of you. He’ll have to realise she’s your mum and your mum will have to realise that she doesn’t need to talk to you every hour.

This has got sweet FA to do with being an “ethnic eastender” as someone put it upthread.

It’s 100% to do with OP’s mum’s problems. She hasn’t lost her mum, she’s still dependent on her mum (old age notwithstanding) and hasn’t let go yet despite being a grandmother herself.

And she’s made her daughter into an image of herself. Utterly dependent on another woman for her emotional equilibrium.

It’s cruel to do this to your child. As you age, you have to prepare your children for losing you. OP’s mum hasn’t lost her mum. She hasn’t been through it. I’ve no doubt she will lean on her own DD when that does happen. And, of course, when it’s her time to go OP will be fucked. Nobody to rely on…..except her own DD. It’s a cycle of dependency wrapped up as “family love”. It’s exclusive of other intimidate relationships except with the next girl down.

The reality is that this is peak immaturity, deliberately stunting human growth, deliberately sabotaging outside relationships, deliberately using your offspring for your own purposes rather than letting them go when they’re adults. You can put it in the prettiest wrapping, with the most beautiful bow possible, but it’s deliberate harm for selfish purposes. This is one of the most disturbing posts of a warped relationship I’ve come across, because the OP is so utterly enmeshed she can’t see what’s going on.

Your Mum isn't your best friend. Your best friend is. Best friends with your Mum? Just no. Be close, that's fine.
Having said that, my DD's OH is jealous of our relationship and is coercively controlling her into cutting me off completeley. It's ridiculous. I love my DD. We were close. I'm not a threat. You need to find some middle ground. If you're busy with your DP and she rings, don't answer, text her and tell her you'll ring her back when you can.

I haven't read the entire thread so apologies if I have missed any further info, but from your initial post, I can kind of see both side. As someone who is married to a man who is very close to his mother and has a similar relationship with her as you do with your mum, I get your partners frustration.

I'm close to my family but close to parents/siblings to me means catching up/phoning once a week or so, not daily and certainly not regularly throughout the day, every day. Everybody has different ideas about this though and different boundaries. My husband and I would argue about this a lot in our earlier days and he too seemed to think it was jealousy on my part, which it absoloutely was not. It was more about me not understanding his need for such close contact, so frequently, from his mother when he was a fully grown adult. To me, your partner is the one you share your life with and your parents and other family are a lovely part of your life that you can stay close with, without the need to be in each others pockets all the time. For me, it was more about a lack of consistent quality time and feeling like I was always sexond best. Thibk about it - if someone is constantly stopping what they are doing with you to talk to or respind to someone else, it isnt going to make you feel great! It seemed like we couldn't spend more than an hour or 2 together without her phoning/texting etc and that is frustrating, no matter who it is doing the interuppting. It's rude for a partner to prioritise answering mundane phone calls from family members (all the time) when they are meant to be spending time with you. However, I can see it from your perspective too and understand it is hard to break habits when you and your mum are so clearly very close and I understand why you feel like you shouldn't have to change that. Your mum is very important to you and that's OK. However, put yourself in his position. If he had a relative or friend that was calling and texting him all the time to the point that you couldn't even get through watching 1 film together in peace...would that not irritate you somewhat? Especially if it was an every day thing. If you answer no to that, I truly believe you're either lying, or you and your partner will never be able to see eye to eye on this.

Try reading the thread. She has kids. But her mum is more important.

I get you are close to your mum. That's fine. But I couldn't be with a partner that was constantly on the phone to mum. It's not hard to ignore her call until you've finished your film with your partner.

In a relationship you need time without parents interfering. You sound quite young, but however old you are I think it's great to stay close to mum, but you also need a little distance and most partners will find it hard to tolerate so much parental intrusion, especially if you are also quite I favour of it and making no attempts to put in boundaries

If you were pistong about your dh talking to his mum multiple times a day, everyone would be saying he was a mummy's boy and you dhould put down firm boundaries and how it gave them the ick.
But men apparently have to put up with this.

Far to many red flags for me. He is displaying controlling behaviour. You need to set boundaries with your mum. It’s great to be close but there needs to be room in your life for other relationships. But he isn’t someone I would want my daughter anywhere near.
Jealousy, sulking, storming off and silent treatment are not behaviours in a good relationship. So I think maybe it’s time to move in from him.
But start putting some boundaries in place with your mum. It’s hard, I’m speaking from experience. After we lost my day my mum called at all times, when I’m at work, with kids, eating dinner. I’d say I was busy and she’d say it’s just quick and would go on for 15-20 minutes. I had to be firm. We get on better for it. Good luck.

Your relationship with your mum sounds very intense and I can see why anybody would struggle with that, perhaps you should try and tone it down for both your sakes, maybe cut down on the phone calls and texts in the evening and limit it to one text at night to say good night etc. Theres nothing wrong with talking on the phone with your mum when you’re on your own, but if you’re in a relationship I can see why someone would be annoyed at being the “third wheel”. Having said that your DH sounds horrible. Sounds like aside from his annoyance with your very intense relationship with your mum (which I can see his point) he isn’t very nice so maybe you need to think long and hard about the relationship, and regardless try to ease off this co-dependent situation you have with your mum. You can be close without being suffocatingly so.

I think it's nice you're so close with your mum. I do think certain things would get on anyone's nerves - like the film thing. That would irritate me too. However, you don't sound happy with him, so I think that's a separate issue. If you do break up and have another serious relationship at any point, perhaps put some boundaries in as you can be close to your mum, but mindful of having uninterrupted quality time with your partner. The two things just take a bit of compromise.

I ‘speak’ to my daughter several times a day either by text or face time. I’m not an East Ender but my husband is and thinks it’s entirely normal. In fact one of his first questions when he gets home is ‘how are all the kids’ (even though none of them live at home anymore). Situation is slightly reversed as it is my daughter who lives alone - and calls/messages are usually quick e.g sending links to clothes, job adverts or things she thinks I will be interested in or make me laugh. Sometimes have very long chats while I am cooking (as if she was in the room).

As long as you are happy with your relationship and it isn’t holding you back - ignore the negative comments.

Your partner sounds emotionally immature. He maybe feeling like you don’t need his support or second best ( or he could be just a twat). Try asking him what he needs to feel more secure in your relationship. Perhaps some dedicated couple time like date night - or develop a special daily ritual ( like you have with your mum saying goodnight ). If he can’t understand that you can love and care for him as well as your mum and children - perhaps he’s not the right one for you x

I could be wrong but it could be that you have both forgotten to try and be the best partner you can be for each other. He is feeling neglected. It is not really about your relationship with your Mum but he wants to feel number one but he is neglecting to make you feel number one. Listen more to each other and try to be less defensive and negative towards each other. Try and see the good. The reason you got together and accept you are different people. Learn to build each other up and support each other.

She's your mum... its your life and your decision. I can understand some of his "jealousy" but you only get one mum. Tell him to wind his neck in. X

I don’t think anyone would say that in itself is the problem, the issue OP has relayed is that her OH is not happy with the constant intrusions to ‘their’ time.

she says in her posts that even if she tells her mum she’s busy with OH, her mum STILL constantly calls or texts over trivial matters.. often keeping her speaking for minutes at a time, often pausing tv or a film and keeping OH hanging on, while he gets more and more annoyed.. then OP says he has no right to be annoyed!.. there’s definitely something not right with that and it’s been clarified by OP saying he mum despises her partner and has no respect for him, and neither does OP now she comes to think of it.

if it was just being in contact with her mum multiple times a day when it doesn’t intrude on family life I doubt there would even be a problem.

Agree with what you’re saying completely. But I think he makes her quite miserable so she’s not interested in reducing her contact with her mother for his sake.

She did agree to stop texting or pausing during movies.

It’s a moving goalpost with men like this, anyway. He’s going to be unhappy with her no matter what she does.

I think the worst part is the op is already setting her daughter up to have she hopes such a dependent relationship as an adult but doesn’t expect her son too.

Probably a lucky escape for the son and future dil tho I guess 😅 but sad that she already has such expectations based on her children’s sex rather than them being people.

If you are happy with your relationship with your mum then that's great there will be someone out there with a similar view (of course then you'll have 2 callers midmovie).
However if you're happy with your OH in other matters perhaps compromise....
ie. Pre-warn your mother that you are going to pop your phone on silent occasionally (eg movie, meal out) and if she doesn't get an answer then text and you'll call as soon as your finished.
If your partner is not happy with a compromise or is having similar digs at other relationships you have then it feels foreboding for the future.

If my partner was like this with his mum, it would give me the ick

I think you need to create some boundaries with your mum

This is how controlling behaviour starts - RED FLAG for me …
anyone jealous of your family bonds - it’s their problem in my opinion!
yes give a partner your attention but do not allow yourself to be told to stop seeing / talking to family members you care about.

Mum and daughter here. DD lives O/s with a slight time difference so we use messenger to contact each other and we may message each other several times a day depending on events or just once or twice..

if I see she is online before her leaving time for work I message her to say good morning and have a nice day etc. if she has a work trip or coming back from one, I ask her to let me know when she is in.. this seems to work well although to my knowledge there’s no partner on the scene.

however my point in posting is using a forum like messenger or WhatsApp and message instead of speaking is less invasive than your mum calling mid movie or partner time. I'm not suggesting you should stop calling each other, but perhaps a less invasive way, and where she will be able to see if you are on line or not - meaning not busy - is the way to tweak communications ?

as far as my communication goes with my mum it’s via email as she doesn’t have access to a telephone (hospital care level) and has little interest in anyone else’s world apart from her own… (cognitive decline).

It might be helpful to establish a regular time for your goodnight call so it’s less disruptive to your evening with your partner. Or call her early and say “I’m calling to say goodnight now as we are about to put on a film”.

Great you and your Mum are close (and can understand it in the context you describe) but there is a lack of consideration for boundaries and disrespect for your partner’s time.

Your DP isn’t dealing with it in a constructive way but you are managing the relationship with your Mum as if you are single.