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Original poster

DH Family rallying around helping him with kids while I go away

264 replies

travelle · 27/05/2023 12:07

I work full time, so does my DH. He has a physical job, which sees him out of the house 6 days a week.

I have work from home computer based job. I automatically do nursery drop offs, all dinners, wake ups, all washing, most house stuff etc. I'm just there more to do it.

I have dinner alone with my kids and do bed time alone, plus wake ups, plus getting them ready etc. I do all of that alone. It's tough. My family don't live nearby.

I find the after work dinner time and bed time the hardest and loneliest part of my day. My DH doesn't get home until they're both asleep.

DH family lives around the corner. His parents work really hard and are not around, ever at that kind of time to come around and keep us company. His siblings work from home, but don't come round often during the week. More on weekends. Which I really appreciate because I'm also alone one day every weekend.

In any case, I'm going away on a business trip and everyone is rallying around and can't wait to come and help him out. I kind of wish he just did it alone. To see what it's like and what my life is like. He never gives me much credit. It's always about him being tired and me having to make sure he's taken care of. I just wish he was actually just left to do it alone. But of course, they'll all be here to help him. Yet, it's something I'm expected to do, every day on my own. Seems unfair.

OP posts:
feemcgee · 31/05/2023 10:48

It is unfair. I understand exactly what you mean. Women are still doing the majority of the work and we get taken for granted.
Try to enjoy being away, even though you are working!

SleepingStandingUp · 31/05/2023 10:57

travelle · 27/05/2023 12:44

I get it. But there's zero application for how hard it is. Whereas there's a lot of appreciation from me, about how hard his lot is.

Show quote history

Next time he eye rolls point out it took THREE of them to do what you do every day, AND he was off work.

Personally I don't get what you get from the relationship apart from bill split and tired sex occasionally probably based on his needs not yours.

I would ABSOLUTELY but down on the stuff you do for him if there's no reciprocation. When he whines, point out you're ill, working full time and raising the kids. He's working and hanging out with them one day a week. You don't have CAPACITY to fulfill his WANTS too. Not time. CAPACITY. Emotional, physical.

SleepingStandingUp · 31/05/2023 11:03

travelle · 29/05/2023 18:28

I find it hard not to do the bare minimum for him tbh.

That's my downfall, but he just doesn't have time. He also has no time to himself at all, which is why I let him have lie ins. I used to play a sport and sometimes leave him for a couple of hours to do that on his day off, but he kept throwing it back in my face.

We have very different jobs. He literally barely even has time to go to the toilet when he's working. It's constant. Whereas I can work from the gym for example and have lunch there after etc. my work day is just really different. I feel really bad for him and how stressful his work day is. Which is why I feel like the least I can do is do his laundry and cook a meal.

I don't really mind all of that so much, I just wish it was appreciated more. He can be critical about the stuff I make/ how I do his laundry / whether the house is clean enough etc. it just doesn't feel like we are a team. I wish if he got in and things weren't done he would ask me how my day was and would just get stuck in, rather than being grumpy about it and sighing. As if he deserves so much better. We are working on getting him to stop doing that. But he is just so exhausted and stressed from work, he can't see the wood for the trees sometimes.
I feel like I have a lot of compassion for him, but he doesn't have as much of it for me. That's the issue.

Show quote history

Have you verbalised this? That it's not physical help you want but emotional? I have 3 kids and no job so our pressures are different, and DH is around more, but if he walks in and he gets the look, he knows it's been on of those days. He knows when I go for a 30 minute "toilet" break to leave me be. When he goes for a cuddle and I tell him no touching, that I've had a preschooler on me all afternoon. When I moan about the kids playing up, he doesn't counter it with what Mary in Accounts did. And when he moans separately about Mary in accounts I don't counter it with what Toddler Bob did. When his commute has been hellish I don't moan he's late. It's about mutual emotional support.
.

thecatsmeows · 31/05/2023 11:06

Sounds like he's one of those men - I don't use the word 'fathers' because they barely are - who liked the idea of children but don't like the reality. Add in the reality of how parenting still works, with women still being the ones who do the majority of the childcare (contrary to what the media etc would like people to think) and you are on a hiding to nothing with this one.

Some men never make the mental 'shift' when they become a parent - they still see themselves as individuals, not part of a team...hence they tend to be the ones who used the word 'babysitting' when it involves parenting their own children...and are the ones who avoid doing it alone at all costs. Like your husband, their needs still come first...and unfortunately arseholes like your father in law are there to back them up. I'd be fucking livid if I was you.

Turfwars · 31/05/2023 11:14

When DS was about a year old I had a trip I needed to go on and like that, MIL and SIL offered to help DH in my absence.

I told him that I'm impressed that they think it'll take two of them to do what I do outside of my own full time job, but wasn't he even a bit insulted that they were of the belief that he wasn't able cope like I always did when he's on work trips?

He refused all offers of help, likely knowing that I'd tease him mercilessly forever. He made sure the house was utterly spotless as well, just to hammer it home that he was more than capable of working, minding a baby and keeping the house clean.

LuckySantangelo35 · 31/05/2023 11:14

LadyKenya · 27/05/2023 12:12

Maybe, but will it not benefit your children? Their well being is what would be more important to me.

@LadyKenya

its not all about the kids, OP matters too

Banana1979 · 31/05/2023 11:15

What is the point of him then I don’t understand it
if I were you, I would be telling him to do half of everything
you are not his mother I bet you clean his clothes as well. You don’t need to take care of him. He is a fully grown adult
just because you are at home or doesn’t mean everything to the point where you don’t even get any time to yourself?
tell him you know that he hard, but he chose to have a family with you. Therefore he needs to dedicate time to his family and you, and that includes his share of the household chores, cooking and cleaning. If he doesn’t agree, then just don’t do it - let him sort his own dinner out , this whole thing is ridiculous. We are not in the 1950s

Hercisback · 31/05/2023 11:15

This is so sad. No money is worth this shit life.

One, or both, of you goes PT and you reassess your priorities. No one is enjoying your life as it is now, something needs to change.

Banana1979 · 31/05/2023 11:18

raisingthebarbell · 29/05/2023 19:55

Op what does your husband do that is so physically demanding 6 days a week that takes him out of the house for 12+ hours a day and renders him incapable of doing anything at the weekend?

This
are you sure he isn’t over exaggerating his work?

LuckySantangelo35 · 31/05/2023 11:22

Your in laws sound insufferably misogynistic

NowItsLikeSnowAtTheBeach · 31/05/2023 11:28

Howyiz · 27/05/2023 12:17

I would point out to your husband that when he is 'in charge' it takes a village but when you do it you do it alone.
So it's either easy - hence you can do it alone or it's hard - hence why he needs help.

I would stop 'looking after him' for a start and honestly could have no respect for a man incapable of looking after his own kids solo.

I would feel the same way and point this out.

Sounds like a very lonely marriage. I'd also point this out that there's not much in it for you if it carries on like this....

fernsgotlegs · 31/05/2023 11:32

Show him this thread? Or write a condensed version? People who don't listen might taken in info if they have it written down and printed out. Or tell him you need to talk to him and schedule a time (weekend evening?) when you will both be around and the dcs are in bed and take turns to listen.

It sounds like a miserable life at the moment. Obviously not all his doing when he is working full time too, but he's taking you for granted and it sounds like either he doesn't notice the toll it takes on you, or deliberately ignores it because it's not something he wants to have to deal with. That's no basis for a happy or successful relationship, so it's something you need to address as soon as possible. Maybe couples counselling could help? Or him committing to certain tasks, writing them in his calendar and sticking to it, certainly including giving you a break at weekends sometimes.

If nothing changes I'd be thinking very carefully about whether you have a future with this man who is so selfish and doesn't even notice (or care?) when his wife is stressed, tired and down.

BlueberryClouds · 31/05/2023 11:41

This is such a familiar story. The only thing that stops my husband doing the same is that we live a number of hours from his family. His family have exactly the same view. My mil suffered and so should everyone else. Such a toxic view imo. In his family it is expected that the woman suffers and the man gets to go on jollies but not the other way round. My husband is such a mummy's boy I have realised. Not his best quality although he's getting better. I'm trying to set boundaries and explain my experience in terms he understands. And I have to explain that painting me in a bad light to his family for having less traditional views and complaining about me asking him to do stuff is detrimental to the family relationships which will ultimately affect our marriage. He has to learn to stand up to his family in my behalf even if he doesn't fully agree as we should be a team. He's not living in their home anymore. If you do have a similar conversation just keep calm and cool and objective even though you have every right to be upset and cross.

Magicmama92 · 31/05/2023 11:53

I think this situation is awful. If you never see each other and he never helps with the kids that's just horrible. I would chat with him about it as something needs to give. He's their dad too. I'd be miserable living this way 😔 funny how your expected to do it alone but for him he needs help. If he can't do it alone why aren't you getting the same help and support?

TUCKINGFYP0 · 31/05/2023 12:03

Boardname · 30/05/2023 07:52

Yes I am curious too, never known a job like this and I've worked in the city, have relatives in full on jobs like the military, medicine, law. If its his own business one of the benefits once you reach a certain point is some flexibility.

Show quote history

Oh but when he gets home he is quite capable of complaining about the state of the house and the standards of the maid / housekeeper / cook. Apparently the cleaning , laundry and food are not up to scratch .

OP you need to stop wasting your energy on trying to stop his complaining about you, making his life easier, trying to make him and his nasty family appreciate you and forcing him to spend time with his children.

You need to spend it on regaining your health, getting Legal advice and planning your divorce .

Summerfun2023 · 31/05/2023 12:16

I have just stepped into the 1950's?

He doesn't need to change you're his doormat. Women are standing up for equal rights and respect for what they do and you say nothing. His mother dotes on the men in the family and the women should get on with it, Fuck that. You say you tell them your feelings in a nice way and they roll their eyes because they don't have to take you seriously. You need to start taking yourself seriously and so does he. He needs to start working clever, not harder what kind of job has he got? If he works for a company they can get rid of him anytime what plan has he got or is he just waiting to be made redundant and then mummy will feel sorry for him?

He sounds like a mummy's boy who should get all the attention because he is man. Ask him if he wants to be fanned and fed grapes while you are away.

Me and my partner work together and we earn a good amount. We don't come home at bedtime it's only now and then he may come home late but I can count on one hand how many times that has happened.

Nanny0gg · 31/05/2023 12:44

Banana1979 · 31/05/2023 11:15

What is the point of him then I don’t understand it
if I were you, I would be telling him to do half of everything
you are not his mother I bet you clean his clothes as well. You don’t need to take care of him. He is a fully grown adult
just because you are at home or doesn’t mean everything to the point where you don’t even get any time to yourself?
tell him you know that he hard, but he chose to have a family with you. Therefore he needs to dedicate time to his family and you, and that includes his share of the household chores, cooking and cleaning. If he doesn’t agree, then just don’t do it - let him sort his own dinner out , this whole thing is ridiculous. We are not in the 1950s

Quite.

If they divorced how would he cope with life?

Jackienory · 31/05/2023 13:01

Sounds like a very lonely marriage. I'd also point this out that there's not much in it for you if it carries on like this...

The guy works 12 hours a day, 6 days a week in a physically hard job. Not sure there's much in it for him either !!!.

SleepingStandingUp · 31/05/2023 13:12

Nanny0gg · 31/05/2023 12:44

Quite.

If they divorced how would he cope with life?

Show quote history

No doubt Mom would do his washing and some of his cooking, and he'd see the kids for a few hours every other week.

Summerfun2023 · 31/05/2023 13:14

Jackienory · 31/05/2023 13:01

Sounds like a very lonely marriage. I'd also point this out that there's not much in it for you if it carries on like this...

The guy works 12 hours a day, 6 days a week in a physically hard job. Not sure there's much in it for him either !!!.

He works 5 days a week and has weekends to sleep in. Bless his little cotton socks. Even builders are home by 6:30pm.

TUCKINGFYP0 · 31/05/2023 13:18

Summerfun2023 · 31/05/2023 13:14

He works 5 days a week and has weekends to sleep in. Bless his little cotton socks. Even builders are home by 6:30pm.

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Well in that case it will better for him if they divorce and he has the kids 50% of the time.

His life will be so much easier when he can do all the housework and catering to his own standard and he changes his job to a flexible one so that he can care for his children half the time.

So it’s a win win if they divorce.

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 31/05/2023 13:21

I would quietly start looking into separating. There will be no happiness with this man. I couldn't live like this at all. Your partner is supposed to adore you.

Jackienory · 31/05/2023 13:22

Summerfun2023 · 31/05/2023 13:14

He works 5 days a week and has weekends to sleep in. Bless his little cotton socks. Even builders are home by 6:30pm.

Show quote history

He has a physical job, which sees him out of the house 6 days a week.

Tots678 · 31/05/2023 13:22

Howyiz · 27/05/2023 12:17

I would point out to your husband that when he is 'in charge' it takes a village but when you do it you do it alone.
So it's either easy - hence you can do it alone or it's hard - hence why he needs help.

I would stop 'looking after him' for a start and honestly could have no respect for a man incapable of looking after his own kids solo.

Hear, Hear!

AuntieJune · 31/05/2023 13:27

You feel taken for granted and trapped.

What would change if you separated? A bit less money, a bit less laundry and cooking, a lot less resentment? What does he bring to your life? Sounds like he takes you for granted.

You can also take the longer term view. When the kids are older and need you less, what then? Does this marriage provide you with companionship or support or fun? You'd just start building a life that didn't involve him, with hobbies and friends etc. But still have to be the housekeeper.

Could you do a Shirley Valentine and just fuck off for a week to Greece?

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