DH Family rallying around helping him with kids while I go away

[travelle]

I work full time, so does my DH. He has a physical job, which sees him out of the house 6 days a week.

I have work from home computer based job. I automatically do nursery drop offs, all dinners, wake ups, all washing, most house stuff etc. I'm just there more to do it.

I have dinner alone with my kids and do bed time alone, plus wake ups, plus getting them ready etc. I do all of that alone. It's tough. My family don't live nearby.

I find the after work dinner time and bed time the hardest and loneliest part of my day. My DH doesn't get home until they're both asleep.

DH family lives around the corner. His parents work really hard and are not around, ever at that kind of time to come around and keep us company. His siblings work from home, but don't come round often during the week. More on weekends. Which I really appreciate because I'm also alone one day every weekend.

In any case, I'm going away on a business trip and everyone is rallying around and can't wait to come and help him out. I kind of wish he just did it alone. To see what it's like and what my life is like. He never gives me much credit. It's always about him being tired and me having to make sure he's taken care of. I just wish he was actually just left to do it alone. But of course, they'll all be here to help him. Yet, it's something I'm expected to do, every day on my own. Seems unfair.

On in laws and their judgements..

They've worked really hard and are pretty wealthy. But they've always been very frugal and still continue to be on certain things.

MIL says she always worked full time hours, as soon as the babies popped out. If it's ever mentioned by me or say my own mum that we have full on schedules, it's always responded to with ' yes so did we. We suffered a lot and had no help at all with anything. We did it all ourselves and that's why we have what we have. We didn't waste money on cleaners or dry cleaning and gardeners. ' they know full well that I ' waste ' money on dry cleaning and cleaners and gardeners. They think we waste lots of money on help and I should do everything and not complain ( like she did ). Even though her situation was actually different because she didn't actually work as many hours as she claims when her kids were small and she also had much bigger age gaps between them.

We are always reminded by my in laws though that their son works so hard and poor him. But zero sympathy or recognition for what I do. He gets a lot of recognition and sympathy for what he goes through. Rightly so. But because I work from home, it's assumed my life is a lot easier. It is, in many ways. But of course I also have the kids to look after.

Recently we had some vomiting bugs going around and I had it pretty badly a few times.

I had to keep looking after my kids with it ( as we do ). So I had been up the whole night, both kids were also sick that night. So it was a combination of me vomiting and them vomiting too at different times. Absolute hell. No sleep. No help, as H has to go to work the next day...

I was absolutely shattered the next day, barely surviving and MIL was trying to gather sympathy for BIL who had a cold.. I said, well at least he doesn't need to look after two kids while he's sick.. and she literally went ' well he also has it tough, sitting in zoom meetings while working from home whilst he has a cold '.

I was having all Night vomiting sessions for almost a month and I still kept having to look after my kids. It's fine, it's what we have to do sometimes. But when they were looking for sympathy for a cold.. I just made an off the cuff comment about what a luxury it would be to get that time to actually rest when you're sick and I was met with such a silly response. I probably shouldn't have said it but I couldn't help it.

This....

As someone said... It's easy peasy... Or it's so difficult you need the troops in..

It doesn't suddenly become easier as you have breasts...

He needs to really reflect on hus lack of appreciation for you.

My dad was like this... Treated my mum like a cook/cleaner /nanny... And he HAD to have hus hobbies on tje nights he was home... As he was the big man doing big man stuff 🧐....

Utterly toxic and corrosive.

There's nothing you can really do but I do sympathise. Personally I'm a sarcastic xxxx and before / after trip I would keep mentioning it. 'Aww needs help looking after _ , poor thing' 'would you like me to leave you instructions'....
Seriously though I agree with the sentiment of the poster 'What's he for?'....
Hope there's a decent list.

Awful husband, awful family.

Can never understand family so happy for members to have it so hard.

Awful mindset.

Stop doing anything for him, no food, no laundry.

Start looking at a life outside the home because I don't think this marriage is going to go the distance with someone so selfish.

You don't have to care about what the in laws think. It doesn't matter how your MIL chose to live her life, you are not bound to emulate her.

If she did everything without complaining, all it means is that she was a much bigger sucker than you.

Why do you even entertain comments and judgements like this from them? Even if you employed a nanny and a housekeeper and sat on your arse all day doing nothing, it would still be none of their business.

Have you thought about not seeing them if they add no joy but just judgement to your life? Because in your shoes I'd be looking to minimise time spent around them. Along with time spent around your husband. I'd replace the whole lot of them as far as I could with things and people that bring me joy instead.

I completely understand where you are coming from unfortunately alot of men don't understand how stressful working around kids can be (esp. When they aren't home to help) so you want him to do it himself to see and he would most definitely give you more credit for doing what you do and seems like you get very little gratitude for it all maybe talk to him about what days you would like him to be with the kids and mention what days his family can help with kids but mainly mention why (so they can bond as his at work alot) but you go girl! Working when you have kids and getting housework done is tough and stressful but you've got it 😀

I’d stop trying to make your DH’s life easier. Concentrate on yourself and the kids. Let him take care of his own dinners when he’s home late from work, his own laundry, etc.

He doesn’t seem to respect you or want to try making your life easier, so concentrate on yourself and your children. Ignore any jibes, either from his family or himself.

I’d have a good think about your marriage - life might be easier for you if you weren’t living with him.

I find it hard not to do the bare minimum for him tbh.

That's my downfall, but he just doesn't have time. He also has no time to himself at all, which is why I let him have lie ins. I used to play a sport and sometimes leave him for a couple of hours to do that on his day off, but he kept throwing it back in my face.

We have very different jobs. He literally barely even has time to go to the toilet when he's working. It's constant. Whereas I can work from the gym for example and have lunch there after etc. my work day is just really different. I feel really bad for him and how stressful his work day is. Which is why I feel like the least I can do is do his laundry and cook a meal.

I don't really mind all of that so much, I just wish it was appreciated more. He can be critical about the stuff I make/ how I do his laundry / whether the house is clean enough etc. it just doesn't feel like we are a team. I wish if he got in and things weren't done he would ask me how my day was and would just get stuck in, rather than being grumpy about it and sighing. As if he deserves so much better. We are working on getting him to stop doing that. But he is just so exhausted and stressed from work, he can't see the wood for the trees sometimes.
I feel like I have a lot of compassion for him, but he doesn't have as much of it for me. That's the issue.

When I go away hubby realises just how much I do (we have 2 kids). It helps because he then realises how much I do and help is needed!

Oh and my hubby's family is the same

OP,

This sounds very sad.

I think you need to put some considerable effort into making your own happiness as it seems like none of those buggers are going to put you first.

Have a think about the question "How might I create some regular personal time to rebuild up my confidence and social life" and out your plan into action.

Could be a cleaner, could be a babysitter once a week. Put yourself first.

Your job sounds great yet you downplay it. I bet you're bloody fantastic,

Get your life back. It will be good for your kids, too,

Op what does your husband do that is so physically demanding 6 days a week that takes him out of the house for 12+ hours a day and renders him incapable of doing anything at the weekend?

This all sounds very sad. He doesn't appreciate you or care about your happiness and wellbeing. Think about that and decide what to do next. You can't change him or his family. You only have control over your own choices.

It's also natural for his own family to back him and help him out, you can't expect anything different from them.

Could you go part time? Assuming he can't drop Saturdays or he would have by now. Something needs to give and don't forget it's not a competition about how hard life is/was with your in-laws. I'd so want to respond ah poor you, having it so hard, so glad we can pay for a little help these days.

I'm another one who doesn't understand the point of him. He's never sound and doesn't interact with his own children.

Sounds a bloody miserable way to live to be honest OP. You do everything around the house, for the children (even when you're poorly) as well as work, and all he does is work work work (allegedly) and then berate you or conplain you haven't done x, y or z. Quite frankly you have the patience of a saint and like others failing to see what he brings to you or your children's lives (except for some £££s- but at what price?).

Yes I am curious too, never known a job like this and I've worked in the city, have relatives in full on jobs like the military, medicine, law. If its his own business one of the benefits once you reach a certain point is some flexibility.

Ah now we have the crux of the situation!
"Ah whenever I am vocal about it, I'm met with eye rolls. His father said to me recently we just have to get on with it and stop complaining."

I'm going to hazard a guess that his father was never left alone to raise his children either. Your MiL set the example there and rushed in to save her incompetent husband looking after his kids.

Why then, in this world of equality does his son not have to 'get on with it and stop complaining' or stop running to his siblings and his parents to look after his children?

I would try to find out when they are due to go on holidays and plan a little mini break away for yourself at the same time (not necessarily to the same place) just so that he can fully experience what it is to be Daddy.

He is being given an easy ride. I honestly do feel for you @travelle but I don't know what the answer is. I'd love to have a magic wand that would give all of these lazy arses a kick up the backside to get their asses in gear and step up to parent their own children without calling in reinforcements!

I hadn't read the complete thread when I posted my earlier message but this is what is ringing out so loudly to me after reading more of it.

You would get the time to yourself that you are lacking (you don't realise that you're lacking it but you are). You also get the time with your children that you enjoy.
What you don't get is him berating you when you're ill. You don't get his attitude and you do end up getting him to step up to the plate to parent his own children.

I would give serious consideration to possibly separating with the potential to divorce.

Why do people play these games in the relationships and families? You literally start your post with how his job effectively means he can’t do all that stuff and then when you’re away and he’s getting help to do (which it sounds like is needed due to time etc) you’re complaining? Honestly, you’ve got a family willing to help out and you’re complaining!

Thing is - what is this ‘more’ you both want, that you are both working crazy hours with jobs and general life and childcare responsibilities?

Is it really worth it? How old are your children? Do you get to spend quality time as a family?

His job sounds incredibly exhausting if it’s six days a week and he barley gets a break and your roles also sounds exhausting as you never stop either. Is this really worth it? Are there no changes you can make as a family to improve things?

Do you both enjoy your jobs?

My ex husband took our daughters to the park once when I had to work a weekend shift. Once in six years and it's still talked about now how great a dad he was taking his kids out!! Yes its irritating, and needs highlighting to him that if he needs support so do you

It would annoy me too, but on your return I'd flip it on it's head.

"Well, when I was away it took 3 of you to do what I normally do, so maybe you now understand how much I do?"

Your workload split needs serious looking at though.

Yes, it's the eternal double standard. A friend of mine whose husband was the stay-at-home parent used to complain about how he was seen as heroic, selflessly giving up his career to look after his kids, while she was seen as selfish and uncaring for putting work first. But if a man works while his wife stays at home, she's seen as sponging and lazing around while he valiantly slaves away to bring home an income. If you're a woman, you can't fucking win.