DH Family rallying around helping him with kids while I go away

[travelle]

I work full time, so does my DH. He has a physical job, which sees him out of the house 6 days a week.

I have work from home computer based job. I automatically do nursery drop offs, all dinners, wake ups, all washing, most house stuff etc. I'm just there more to do it.

I have dinner alone with my kids and do bed time alone, plus wake ups, plus getting them ready etc. I do all of that alone. It's tough. My family don't live nearby.

I find the after work dinner time and bed time the hardest and loneliest part of my day. My DH doesn't get home until they're both asleep.

DH family lives around the corner. His parents work really hard and are not around, ever at that kind of time to come around and keep us company. His siblings work from home, but don't come round often during the week. More on weekends. Which I really appreciate because I'm also alone one day every weekend.

In any case, I'm going away on a business trip and everyone is rallying around and can't wait to come and help him out. I kind of wish he just did it alone. To see what it's like and what my life is like. He never gives me much credit. It's always about him being tired and me having to make sure he's taken care of. I just wish he was actually just left to do it alone. But of course, they'll all be here to help him. Yet, it's something I'm expected to do, every day on my own. Seems unfair.

Why is it so many men seem incapable of looking after their own kids?

Agree. DH has a friend (admittedly I think he is a total wanker so i am biased) but he says quite openly that he leaves for work early and gets back late so he can miss the getting up and breakfast and bath and bed routine. His wife is actually a high flyer and he is ... not. They do not have nannies either. he is a tosser. he says quite openly that when their son goes to boarding school he will be home earlier because it will be 'easier' then.

He's totally open about it. To us at least.

I don't know why you're still with him, it sounds like he shows you very little respect or love. You deserve more! Xx

His work life balance is totally off. I'd be asking him to assess his job situation if I was you. You say you want the money rather than need it and it sounds like his long hours are coming at a high cost to your own quality of life.

I’ve been in this position OP, and know how you feel…

the thing is, what you really want is a fantasy and it won’t happen. Do correct me if you are wrong, but what you want is for him to manage ok whilst realising just how hard it is. For him to then have a moment where he realises that you normally do all this work, and how hard it is for you. For him to then start appreciating your hard work and effort AND also start helping more. For your relationship to be more equal from then on….

this will never happen, well, it did not for me

whenever I needed things to change in the relationship, I needed to be really outspoken about it, accept we’d have arguments, stand my ground and also learn to either accept things or leave… making tough decisions

it is a good idea to learn to be a bit more selfish and actively and maybe even aggressively look after yourself. For example, take up a hobby at weekends where he looks after the kids

he will honestly never have a sudden realisation about how much you do. Most men are too busy thinking about themselves and their own comfort. And society does not help. Mums are almost always doing more.

there is a whole undercurrent of female rage that often only emerges in women once oestrogen drops in menopause, when we see we have been taken for fools…

read up about things like “mental load” and “wife work”

I’m going to go against the trend here. My DH and I are in the opposite situation. I’m away with work and commute - he cracks on with it. If he were to go away I would need to pull on ‘the village’ to help me out unless I took time off. It’s great that you have this support network around you. Yes it’s a shame they aren’t around for you however after the time you could perhaps say your children really enjoyed the time with relatives and maybe they’d like to do this a little more often?

You need to stop doing things to make his life easier, and start doing things to make your life easier.

Put your own oxygen mask on first.

There’s no point being resentful about the things you do to help him if he doesn’t even notice that you’re doing them, so don’t.

if anyone criticises you for getting a cleaner, remind them that you work full time and do all childcare and cooking, but you’d be more than happy for your husband to clean.

If you both work Monday to Friday, why aren’t you taking turns for a weekend lie in? Yours on Saturday, his on Sunday. The bloody nerve of him getting annoyed because you fall asleep with exhaustion!

Don’t be tempted to do anything to prepare for you being away, BTW, like batch cooking or getting ahead with laundry.

This.

He sounds awfully selfish.

He also sounds as if he js conveniently avoiding any family life.

Unless you are the breadline, which you clearly aren't, why is he out 6 days a week?

What age are the children?

The eye rolling at your exhaustion is so awful.

I'd rather work out of the house snd commute than carry your load.

Stop having children for a start and start looking at your marriage because he really doesn't care about you.

His family are busy, which is fair enough, but you are doing it all and he is very happy with that.

Poor children.

Lots of men use work to avoid their family's.

I think you should speak to his mother and tell her how you feel and that you would really appreciate it if, when he is not working, that he spends the time entirely with his children alone without their help so he can realise just how difficult it is for you and be more understanding and also that the children rarely spend time with their father alone so it would be good for them also.

Explain you are at the end of your tether and feeling very hurt & resentful by him not understanding or doing anything to help you and this of course is not good for your marriage.

You may find they support this as until you experience things for yourself, you can be clueless about it all.

Also stop making life easier for your husband. Do everything for the children but don’t treat him like one of the kids too. If he asks why this & that is not done, say, not had time, been busy with sorting out kids, the house, my work deadlines to meet, etc etc & keep repeating until he gets the message. No need to argue or feel bad. It’s the facts.

I don’t think I could cope with someone like this to be honest so you are already a real trooper as it is. Hugs to you 😊

Yeah it's good for the kids, but also he'll notice it took an army when you were away. Make sure you break that down for him and get the respect you deserve when you get back. He might get it a bit more than you think after seeing he needed his entire family just to get by.

This is good advice.

If you are washing his clothes and cooking his meals then stop.

And don't do any of that preparation crap for him before you go away

Why did he even bother having kids if he's not even around? What's the point of it for him?

Even while your dh was on leave? My Dh doesn’t need any help with our dc while he’s on leave.

It may be, hopefully, that even with family ‘rallying’ round, there still won’t be the level of input he gets from you. If they go home for the night, for example.

On balance, I’d suggest thinking about leaving him. His attitude via what he says to you and what he leaves you to do sucks. He doesn’t sound like a nice person.

I agree he should do it all alone for once.
I also think you need to show him what you’ve written here, or at least tell him exactly.
What you’re having to do is very very unfair when there’s two of you.

I would look at getting some help around the house assuming finances stretch and tbh even if it means something has to be dropped, financially, id do that and get the help. ie a cleaner, gardener,
Id be talking to dh about his hours and asking that he gets home earlier for some of the week. If that’s not possible then I would ask if he can change jobs.

You’re not happy
Its not surprising
Tell him

Id also mention to his family you would like dh to see what your life is like and for them not to help as so that he can see what you go through every day

My ex-wife convinced herself she had it much harder than me too, although admittedly she didn't have a job like you do. However, the reality is that child rearing involves more monotony and boredom than hard work. If your husband works a physical job 6 days a week he will probably find running the home for a week a piece of piss. When I divorced and started doing 40% of childcare, I barely noticed the difference in workload.

I had male colleagues like this.
Stayed late at work so that by the time they got home, children were in bed.

Agree!

Partner and I both worked full time when the children were young. I worked overseas for months at a time and my partner never asked for or received any additional support. He always said it was important for girls to know that it was fine for women to follow their own careers, and for boys to know that running a household could be done equally by either parent, and that it wasn’t automatically a woman’s job.

Your husband needs to have a good think about the pattern he is setting.

OP. I agree with you.
What jumps out to me about your post is that DH's family are constantly backing him up in this attitude. He's got divine right as far as they are concerned and its permeating everything you do, every conversation you have with him and them. And its only you who disagrees.
Your FIL, telling you to stop complaining
Your MIL and Sil saying oh but women are stronger - a compliment for sure - but one that enforces the message that you are able to carry a heavier load than he is.
You both work hard, but you work harder - yet he's the one who gets the glory - the poor man.
I know what its like and I don't have the answer - how can you change these ingrained prejudices? How can you get him to see it from your point of view when all these twits are venerating him as the breadwinner who holds it all together.

I think it is fantastic that you have found a work from home option that allows you to keep working but also be available for your children. And thank goodness you do because I can imagine how this crowd would react if you didn't also have a financial contribution.
His family are pre disposed to give him credit for everything. How can you change it when its now an established pattern?

I think you would really benefit from having someone to speak to in RL about this - if only for the emotional support. On your own at first and then with him.

YOu have to talk to him, you have to talk to MIL at some point. The other key thing that jumped out is that you look ahead for him and try to lighten his load and that is not recieproated. He is tired but you have to do all this plus you are ill. I guess this is the way forward for discussion. Would it help to get some task lists on the fridge... to quietly highlight - without saying anything or making a drama - how much you have to do. Then you could point to one and ask for help. His reaction to that will speak volumes but you might get a bit of help step by step and start establishing a new pattern. If he compalins about Hello Fresh "Good idea, you can take on the meal planning and purchasing for a week - i'm sure you can do this better than me and hello fresh and save us some money" (but you'd have to be careful about tone lol)

You could quietly start offloading some of your tasks onto him bit by bit, until it starts to even up things. Ie. Christmas presents. He is in charge of buying them for his family. Also birthday presents. He can take the load and if they are crap - he takes the credit for that too. If this is working -its all to the good. If it doesn't work you need to rethink again and get more support. Best of luck,

PS. FIL should mind his own business.

this definitely

I’m afraid you’ve enabled this lazy male entitlement and so has his family. I’m absolutely shocked at some of the posts on this thread where clearly the ingrained misogyny suggests that women are the default domestic slave.

Op you don’t have to live like this - when you’re back from the work trip, take a stand. Only do what will get you through but expect him to engage with domestic life more - cook more, clean up more, look after his kids more…Life will be unpleasant as he’ll kick and scream against it but he has a choice - step up or ship out.

Ironically he’ll come to benefit, as like children, men are far happier when they are independent and can do things for themselves. It’s a win win for them!

Husband resents her spending money on cleaners and hello fresh, yet won't take over the cooking and cleaning. In laws comment on the waste.

Best response is to spend the money openly and reply, "You do you" to anyone who comments.

I agree Goldbar.
She's not being horrible or rubbing their face. She's working flat out, ill and exhausted yet they criticise her all the time, even when she is doing more than her share. A full time job, all the childcare and household duties.. Fil tells her to stop complaining etc.

It doesn't sound like she has hostile relations with them, but the focus of the conversations seems to be that they all think she's not doing enough, or if she is, that's entirely her job so she should shut up about it. DH has to be protected and supported.
I don't think they even realise they are doing it, but its horrible for her to be on the receiving end time after time.

They are getting too involved in commenting on everything that goes on in her life, which is really unhealthly - hence she's asking for perspective here.