Page 6 | My friend is one cheeky sod

thisisasurvivor · 2023-05-26T20:32:34+00:00

Aibu to say no maybe more often So she has helped in any ways with our family down through the years which is hugely appreciated So I'm in a single parent Trying to work from home and she is hoping g that I will take her kids over the summer for 1-2 days a week Her money is tight I get this But I find it so so stressful I had them today and I'm utterly exhausted Couldn't wfh so left some work for tonight and I'm just wiped out I say yes because of all the favours down through the years but I honestly don't know how long I can just grin and bare it Say nothing maybe? Or agree for one day a fortnight to help her this summer and not 1or 2 days a week 😢😢💔

TenseTessa · 28/05/2023 09:21

You may need to be clearer with your message. You will need to say "I cannot look after your children in the holidays anymore "

She will probably respond to your message about being reliable and twist it round / say what a shame but do it anyway

aflix · 28/05/2023 11:18

I had to end a friendship a few years ago.

Occasionally I feel guilty, then I think 'Would I want her back in my life? NO!'

SunnySaturdayMorning · 28/05/2023 11:21

She’s not being unreasonable to ask, you’re not unreasonable to say no.

However, if you already said yes, you should honour it as you have stopped her being able to make alternative arrangements.

blahblahblah1654 · 28/05/2023 11:25

@SunnySaturdayMorning no she doesn't need to honour the agreement if it's no longer working for her. It was a favour and it's impossible for her to manage anymore. Friend is bloody cheeky when she has a partner, more money and lots of family help. It's her problem, not the op.

SunnySaturdayMorning · 28/05/2023 11:28

@blahblahblah1654 It’s not cheeky to ask, OP had the right to say no. If she isn’t assertive enough that’s nobody else’s problem but her own.

Clarice99 · 28/05/2023 11:46

thisisasurvivor · 27/05/2023 22:44

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Great that's very helpful

Show quote history

OP, you've ignored most of the advice on here, and just bleated on and on about 'what ifs'

She's not your friend. She's a user. And you are allowing her to use you.

Even your text to her is weak: 'I text her earlier that my work has gone downhill sadly with wfh and I'm not reliable enough for child care' Not reliable enough? Why are you putting yourself down?

It would be helpful for you to look at why you're so accommodating of someone who gives you nothing in return. Until you work on saying NO to this 'friend', or anyone else for that matter, saying NO is not going to come easy to you, because you appear to have low self worth.

determinedtomakethiswork · 28/05/2023 11:49

Has she replied? To be honest, I don't think you'll see much of her now that you are no longer of use unfortunately.

Ladybug14 · 28/05/2023 12:04

I certainly wouldn't choose to be friends with someone like this

I wonder why you do, OP?

AhNowTed · 28/05/2023 12:06

OP if I was your employer I would NOT be happy about this.

You are jeopardising your job as it is with 2 kids, never mind 4.

I also WFH and have done for years. My children were in childcare.

You would be very foolish to agree to this.

captainmarvella · 29/05/2023 01:45

thisisasurvivor · 27/05/2023 19:59

Exactly

And I see this I just didn't know when or how to phrase it

I'm always in shit like this

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"Workload has increased and I am scrambling to meet deadlines. My boss has given me a warning because I was too distracted the other day to submit something on time. I'm sure you don't want me to lose my job or my reputation at workplace. I hope you are able to find childcare from other venues, Friend, tc."

Don't even make it about her kids. Make it sound like you are overwhelmed by life and work general and need to step back and prioritize. It's not a lie, anyway.

If she tries to make you guilty about this update, then she is as abusive as her husband. You are in a abusive relationship. You should get help. Not from MN, but from real life. If you cannot see that your duty first is for your own kids and your own sanity, and you worry more about "offending" a friend who's supposedly very close, then you definitely need professional help.

Original poster

thisisasurvivor · 29/05/2023 05:48

BackAgainstWall · 28/05/2023 09:04

It’s very easy to fall into traps like this and bend over backwards because we feel obliged to do so.

I don’t anymore and the sky has never fallen in on me yet.

Saying no kindly, will be very good for you/your self worth.

Well done 💐💐💐

See this is what is needed going forward

I don't get paid for helping out with her kids

I run my own private practice and also do work for some organisations (so can be relatively flexible)

So I would try to do 5-8 am
Kids up
Stay with them
Some work during the day
Usually more work at night 7-11pm roughly and same most days

Make up for the rest then at the weekend when my kids are in clubs etc

I need to be clearer going forward about what works and what does not work

I wouldn't be cheeky enough to ask for this from someone who finds it hard to say no

And to the harsh comments on here
Fair enough !!!!!!!

Anyway

Thanks all

I know I have a lot of work to do on myself

OP posts:

determinedtomakethiswork · 29/05/2023 06:01

Has she answered yet? You have been very kind to her, and she has been very unkind to you.

Original poster

thisisasurvivor · 29/05/2023 06:02

Not heard back yet

She normally doesn't take no for an answer and in the past has said how she is very stuck

How did this become my problem !!!!

OP posts:

Original poster

thisisasurvivor · 29/05/2023 06:03

I also think part of me is sad she married such an arse
Feeling like I want to help her out of it
But I don't have the capacity any more

I can not cope myself let alone with other kids sent up to me two days a week !!! 👎👎👎👎👎

OP posts:

determinedtomakethiswork · 29/05/2023 06:11

Hate to say it, but she will be fuming, because you are the worm that has turned! She will come back and make more demands, but you don't need to make excuses. just say that you can't do it. It's impossible for you to keep working and look after her children. If need be you have to say how many times you've looked after hers and how many times she's looked after yours. I think this friendship will end once you stop doing things for her.

Original poster

thisisasurvivor · 29/05/2023 06:20

determinedtomakethiswork · 29/05/2023 06:11

Hate to say it, but she will be fuming, because you are the worm that has turned! She will come back and make more demands, but you don't need to make excuses. just say that you can't do it. It's impossible for you to keep working and look after her children. If need be you have to say how many times you've looked after hers and how many times she's looked after yours. I think this friendship will end once you stop doing things for her.

It's not safe

Her kids are wonderful but into everything and I can't keep my eye on them at all times

I just need to keep repeating that I'm worried something will happen and then who's to blame??

OP posts:

Original poster

thisisasurvivor · 29/05/2023 06:21

She should have offered to repay tue favour at weekends when I'm scrambling to get everything done

She is able to drop them to the grandparents and go off do her own thing

She is very lucky when I think about it 🙄🙄

OP posts:

OrangeRhymesWith · 29/05/2023 06:37

You sound like you hate her and enjoy complaining about her but feel beholden to her - she asked, you said yes, she took you at your word.

stop being friends with her - because you
think shes cheeky and because you clearly don't like her. You don't want to help her out fine, then don't say you will and bitch about her.

captainmarvella · 29/05/2023 06:46

thisisasurvivor · 29/05/2023 05:48

See this is what is needed going forward

I don't get paid for helping out with her kids

I run my own private practice and also do work for some organisations (so can be relatively flexible)

So I would try to do 5-8 am
Kids up
Stay with them
Some work during the day
Usually more work at night 7-11pm roughly and same most days

Make up for the rest then at the weekend when my kids are in clubs etc

I need to be clearer going forward about what works and what does not work

I wouldn't be cheeky enough to ask for this from someone who finds it hard to say no

And to the harsh comments on here
Fair enough !!!!!!!

Anyway

Thanks all

I know I have a lot of work to do on myself

Show quote history

OP I was rushing so I didn't elaborate on my last post. I was like you, bending over backwards to a childhood friend who had helped me a lot in the past and then had me firmly locked in Gratitude prison. It was affecting my mental health but I tolerated it a long time and was a mug because I didn't want to fall out with her. It took professional therapy to get me out of this mindset.

From what I see here in your posts, you are venting a lot. I used to do that too, vet about the friend to my mom and anyone who listens, and then only my mind was drained of all the anger, it would be empty enough for the gratitude feels to occupy it and I will be sucked back into saying yes to that friend. It was a bad, bad cycle and the root of it was how powerless I felt with authority figures. I had to spend hours in therapy to change this attitude.

For the record, your friend is a complete CF and taking advantage of you. Asking here repeatedly "how could she? doesn't she have a conscience" will only keep you floating in a loop of outrage and self pity. Just because you don't eat hyena, doesn't mean the hyena won't eat you! Some people are born hyenas. Accept that CFs are born that way, that your friend is a CF and from now you will put your own family and mental health first. I'm not trying to "hurt" you. Just trying to make you see how this woman has conditioned you for years and how you can still say yes to her in the future, if you don't seize control right now.

Original poster

thisisasurvivor · 29/05/2023 09:22

She's not available now to repay the favour for some dates this summer

So , looks like I made the right decision

So much for it being reipcrocal

OP posts:

Fiddlerdragon · 29/05/2023 09:58

Has she actually replied that? You can’t act as an unpaid childminder for her children as you’re trying to actually work and take care of your own, so now she won’t have yours the odd day?? Tbh you can tell she’s a twat just for putting you in this position in the first place. I wouldn’t be surprised by her actions

Original poster

thisisasurvivor · 29/05/2023 10:00

Fiddlerdragon · 29/05/2023 09:58

Has she actually replied that? You can’t act as an unpaid childminder for her children as you’re trying to actually work and take care of your own, so now she won’t have yours the odd day?? Tbh you can tell she’s a twat just for putting you in this position in the first place. I wouldn’t be surprised by her actions

I had sent my message about this summer

Asked for help this week for an appointment and it was a no right away

Then I also sent the dates I need help for this summer and she can no longer help

Marvellous

OP posts:

Fiddlerdragon · 29/05/2023 10:05

I think I’d write her off as a friend at this point, as she clearly doesn’t give a shite about you. I hope you’ve got another people around you who can help. I know it’s hard sometimes, I’m living in a different country to my family and my oh works away, it’s hard to find anyone reliable to help on the very rare occasions I need it, I hate asking for favours

Original poster

thisisasurvivor · 29/05/2023 10:07

I hate asking favours

I rarely do and if I do I would give money or repay in another way

it just goes to show her true intentions

And it's fine

Lesson learned

I lie down
So she walked

Can I blame her ? No

OP posts:

CellophaneFlower · 29/05/2023 10:15

So you told her you can't have her children, then followed with a list of dates that she might have yours and you're surprised she said no?

If you feel you're being taken advantage of, then of course you refuse, but it goes the other way too.