My friend is one cheeky sod

[thisisasurvivor]

Aibu to say no maybe more often

So she has helped in any ways with our family down through the years which is hugely appreciated

So I'm in a single parent
Trying to work from home and she is hoping g that I will take her kids over the summer for 1-2 days a week

Her money is tight I get this

But I find it so so stressful
I had them today and I'm utterly exhausted
Couldn't wfh so left some work for tonight and I'm just wiped out

I say yes because of all the favours down through the years but I honestly don't know how long I can just grin and bare it

Say nothing maybe?
Or agree for one day a fortnight to help her this summer and not 1or 2 days a week 😢😢💔

What does she do on the other days? Has she taken annual leave? It is quite exhausting looking after other people's children, especially if you are also trying to work! Tell her you can only do it occasionally because you can't work while they are there.

Ffs just say no. ‘My work is suffering, it’s been noticed and I can’t provide childcare anymore for you.’ No need to say sorry, she has a husband and they need to work it out between themselves. ALL of the advice on here is to say no more, just tell her.

Can you make it a paid arrangement? Something cheaper than she would pay otherwise but that demonstrates a value to your needing to adjust your schedule. I did this for a friend once. She needed childcare. She arranged three of us taking various weeks (it was only two days a week though) and paid us a cheap sum per week.
Or trade evenings for daytime? I’ll watch them during the day, but when you pick them up, you’ll need to take them all (or watch them in your home) while I catch up my missing work from the day.

That said, you’re under no obligation to make anything work.

You will make yourself ill (with stress) and your own job will suffer if you carry on like this. You might see her as an old and valued friend, but she seems to see you as a resource. She has other options and other people she can ask. It's just easier for her to impose on you.

If you need to get angry to end this, then do that. But if you let this carry on you will exhaust yourself and also feel stupid for allowing it. If you have to argue with her and maybe fall out, then so be it. That has to be better than carrying her responsibilities as well as your own. If you can't call, then text and tell her that you are shattered and stressed, and you can't look after her kids any more. Don't explain further than that, or she will try to negotiate with you.

This is a good tactic if you don't want to confront her. You can say that work people have noticed that you are not getting through stuff or more background noise. You can mention that the policy is that you are not supposed to be having childcare responsibilities whilst working so you just can't take the risk as you need this job and that you're very sorry.

She'll likely say that she'll tell the kids to behave but you have to say the policy says no childcare and you just can't risk them being seen or heard end of.

Did I miss why her Husband is not able to look after their two kids?

Him being an arse is not your problem. It’s a ‘them’ problem.

WFH at home doesn’t mean you’re free to look after other people’s DC because they can’t or don’t want to pay for childcare.

I can’t imagine anybody looks forward to having to work later when at home, to make up for working time missed earlier on during the day due to having to supervise DC and prepare food for them. I sometimes do this with my two youngest DC during school holidays as I also WFH. I definitely wouldn’t be minding anyone else’s DC whilst also WFH, except 1 or 2 (max) of my Year 7 DC’s friends as they’re older and don’t need as much supervision as our Year 3 DC.

DP also occasionally takes our DC to work with him during the school holidays, so I can focus on my work. DP runs his own businesses so has the flexibility to do so.

You can only help out your friend with childcare when she’s really stuck (her Husband and family cannot do it for valid and reasonable reasons) and you are not working.

You are a single parent, and she has a Husband. Your friend needs to kick her lazy Husband’s arse into gear!

The husband is hands off

She does and pays for everything

Abusive prick

So there is an element of feeling bad for her too
Even though my own life is not full of roses

Fuxache OP. Give me her number, I'll tell the daft twat.

Look, type it out now in a text. 'from X I won't be doing any more childcare for you. Please make alternative arrangements' then send it.

I would tell her your boss noticed you are not giving your 100% attention to work on these days and they said you can't work from home while looking after kids.

OP , you have exactly the same problem you posted about, a month ago . You're being given the same advice but it seems like you're not really listening . Please act on it , or you'll still be in the same position .

This doesn't sound like an equal friendship at all. You say she is a good friend but she is clearly taking advantage of your good nature. If it were me, I wouldn't agree to any standing arrangement. Just tell her you are not managing with 4 kids and work and you are spending your nights playing catch up and your days feeling shattered. You don't owe her because she's helped you in the past, it sounds like you do plenty for her anyway, without much in return

She's a user OP, please, please stop being so nice to her.

She's bleeding you dry.

Just because she’s done things for you in the past, doesn’t mean you are beholden to her for her every request. You do it when it suits you.
Plus what she did for you say, 2 years ago for example is irrelevant now. People change and circumstances change.

I’ve never really asked friends for favours because I know I will then “owe” them. I don’t like the whole concept of “favour banking” which I heard someone mention on here the other day. You and the other person are in a constant web of owing each other and I’d rather keep myself to myself and help myself than constantly owe people favours. Single parent here too.

You can feel sorry for her all you like, but again it’s not your problem to solve.

Her Husband’s taking her for a mug, she’s allowing it and in turn taking you for a mug, and you’re allowing it!

You’re not happy being her replacement Husband, and you do not have the capacity to do so as you are a single parent also with two DC who works full-time.

No need to lie and say your boss has noticed your lack of productivity, errors, or failure to meet work deadlines, just tell her you can’t also provide childcare for her DC as you need to focus on your work and you can’t do that whilst also minding her DC. End of.

Who cares if she gets the hump. She doesn’t seem to care about continuing to pressure you with this unreasonable expectation that has you working late at night to catch up on work, losing precious down-time and sleep!

You are not her Husband and you are not responsible for their DC.

In addition, your DC are losing out on 1:1 time with you outside of your official working hours whilst you continue to put up with this.

Put your big girl pants and categorically and honestly tell her you cannot look after her DC whilst you’re working. Rinse and repeat.
And don’t answer the door if she arrives at your door with her DC in tow without prior arrangement!

Plus, you’ll make yourself ill if you keep on like this.

She sounds like a leech, not a friend. You need to distance yourself from this so-called friendship.

She's not a friend. She's just using you for free childcare

"No, I can't have them as I'm working."

Your last thread about this, which you posted just over one month ago, only garnered three responses from three different pp. I guess because your dilemma is just so ridiculous and unnecessary.

No, you clearly have not learned any lessons!

What do you want MN pp to tell you?

Look, either you do it, hating and resenting it, or you tell her to piss off leaning on your guilt. She can divorce the dad so she gets enough CM to pay for some childcare.

I know you are getting a hard time here OP, but I do think that it really helps in these situations to remember that you can make it stop. All that hassle, all the trouble and noise and stress from her badly-behaved kids, it can all stop. You have to be a bit uncomfortable for a couple of minutes, but it can all stop.

The only other alternative is to be her childcare for ever. Or until she finds another unreasonable task to hand over to you.

Ahh come off it would you 👎👎👎👎😳

Op you would have more energy and time in the evenings for YOUR CHILDREN if you weren't facilitating this woman and enabling her lazy sod husband. Surely you can see this? Giving her is taking away from your own children. Say no for your kid's sakes and show them how not to be people pleasers.

So many responses have been suggested. Use one. You can even add, I thought i could do it, but ots

*it's too much for me and I have no time or energy for my kids in the evenings. How can she argue with that? If she does, ignore her messages

be honest. A real friend would understand

‘i would have loved to have your kids over the holidays but I can’t, I’m so sorry. I can only just manage my own children whilst working but looking after 4 means I can’t work at all. Playing catch up in the evening/early hours of the morning with work breaks me, my stamina and mental health really suffer.

Exactly

And I see this I just didn't know when or how to phrase it

I'm always in shit like this