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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My friend is one cheeky sod

164 replies

thisisasurvivor · 26/05/2023 21:32

Aibu to say no maybe more often

So she has helped in any ways with our family down through the years which is hugely appreciated

So I'm in a single parent
Trying to work from home and she is hoping g that I will take her kids over the summer for 1-2 days a week

Her money is tight I get this

But I find it so so stressful
I had them today and I'm utterly exhausted
Couldn't wfh so left some work for tonight and I'm just wiped out

I say yes because of all the favours down through the years but I honestly don't know how long I can just grin and bare it

Say nothing maybe?
Or agree for one day a fortnight to help her this summer and not 1or 2 days a week 😢😢💔

OP posts:
Original poster
thisisasurvivor · 27/05/2023 15:59

Choice

OP posts:
GCalltheway · 27/05/2023 16:01

“Id love to help you out and have the kids a few times a week in the summer holidays but I can’t safely look after 4 kids and work, I am worried about losing my job. Shall we organise a few picnics days out instead?”

Original poster
thisisasurvivor · 27/05/2023 16:03

Yes yes yesssss

OP posts:
Fiddlerdragon · 27/05/2023 16:07

Why does it have to be you and not any of her family or their actual dad? You need to put yourself first sometimes

GCalltheway · 27/05/2023 16:17

I think you are building up this good will because you are so under supported yourself, so she is your safety net perhaps?

I can’t think of another reason why there is such a huge and quite frankly obscene gulf between what you do for her, versus what she does for you. She is taking full advantage of your vulnerable situation. Work on finding the kindest, reliable babysitter locally and make arrangements with her in the case of emergencies, introduce her to your children now. You are really being taken advantage of by this woman, it should be the other way around op!!

CellophaneFlower · 27/05/2023 16:25

thisisasurvivor · 27/05/2023 15:30

I would say she has taken them 8 days in 4 years

I have had hers almost 100 full days on the last 4 years

Full days
While I'm working also

Show quote history

Well obviously, if that's the case, then fair enough, help her when is convenient for you. Your OP says she's helped you "many" times and "all the favours throughout the years" though, which sounds more than 8 times?

Cherrysoup · 27/05/2023 16:30

Really simple, you’re wfh and having the kids meant you couldn’t, so you can no longer have them. ‘You don’t want me working til 3am after a busy day looking after all the dc, do you?’

Original poster
thisisasurvivor · 27/05/2023 16:32

But she sees that I have my kids there

And mine are pretty quiet thankfully

They watch tv for a few hours
I would normally be up at 5 to do some work before they get up at 8

Then I do work during the day and the rest that night

Her kids are not easy to manage and have mentioned they don't want to come up to my house so that's also what's pissing me off

But... what If she takes the hump

OP posts:
GCalltheway · 27/05/2023 16:39

thisisasurvivor · 27/05/2023 16:32

But she sees that I have my kids there

And mine are pretty quiet thankfully

They watch tv for a few hours
I would normally be up at 5 to do some work before they get up at 8

Then I do work during the day and the rest that night

Her kids are not easy to manage and have mentioned they don't want to come up to my house so that's also what's pissing me off

But... what If she takes the hump

You don’t need to justify why this is so knackering for you!

If she gets the hump what do you lose? It’s certainly not childcare or support.

It sounds like you know she is using you

Beautiful3 · 27/05/2023 16:39

Honestly you're going to have to tell her. My boss isn't happy with my work. I can't look after your kids anymore, while I'm working. Leave it at that. She has other people to help, including a husband! If she gets the hump, then she's not a nice person is she?

Dontjudgeme101 · 27/05/2023 16:40

So what if she takes the hump. She doesn’t care about your feelings. Please put on your big girl pants and say no!

Harrysarseinthedogbowl · 27/05/2023 16:44

Which can you best afford to lose-the friendship or your livelihood?

NWQM · 27/05/2023 16:46

If she takes the hump what do you actually lose?

determinedtomakethiswork · 27/05/2023 16:47

She's a complete and utter user. You have looked after her kids for 100 days? Honestly you need to get a grip of yourself. So what if she finds it hard to find someone to look after her children? They don't even want to come to your house! You don't want them to come to your house! She only wants it because it's free. I would definitely risk losing this friendship.

SparkyBlue · 27/05/2023 16:47

So what if she takes the hump.
Completely different working around your own children to being responsible for entertaining and taking care of another persons children. You are working you aren't available for childcare

EnjoyingTheSilence · 27/05/2023 16:52

Tough shit if she takes the jump, she’s not that great a friend then is she.

You can’t do it. It doesn’t work. Her kids don’t want to come and you don’t want them there. Her kids her problem.

You‘ve been given lots of ideas on how to tell her you can no longer do it. You just need to bite the bullet and do it.

CheeseCakeSunflowers · 27/05/2023 16:52

If she takes the hump then you know she doesn't see you as a friend but just as free childcare.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 27/05/2023 16:59

Just say that you can’t-that having her kids today and has made it clear that your work has suffered and that your boss isn’t happy (pretend you missed a deadline or something). Tell her you can’t risk your job as you need to earn as you are on your own.

tell her now so she has half a term notice

BasiliskStare · 27/05/2023 17:00

Honestly as PPs have said I would say - I've tried this for you . My 2 are used to the way I work but it is not working with 4 children & am afraid for my job as work is suffering. I simply don't think I can do it.

If she can't understand that this is impacting your job then frankly I wouldn't give a rat's arse if she gets the hump. If she says - Oh sorry didn't realise - different matter.

I don't like confrontation for the sake of it but this seems a situation where you do just need to explain why you cannot do this any longer.

I had a friend where honestly it was a weight off my shoulders when we stopped seeing each other

GCalltheway · 27/05/2023 17:03

Your friends priority ought to be your well being op, not free childcare. This will be a good test. See it that way and it won’t be so hard. Message her whilst we are here to support you.

To be frank, she is very unlikely to ditch you whilst there is still a chance she can eke out some summer help…. Cf!

Beelezebub · 27/05/2023 17:05

thisisasurvivor · 27/05/2023 16:32

But she sees that I have my kids there

And mine are pretty quiet thankfully

They watch tv for a few hours
I would normally be up at 5 to do some work before they get up at 8

Then I do work during the day and the rest that night

Her kids are not easy to manage and have mentioned they don't want to come up to my house so that's also what's pissing me off

But... what If she takes the hump

WHO CARES?! She’s taking the absolute piss! No is the word you need - use it. If you don’t, you can’t really complain that she’s taking advantage when you’re letting her do it.

FawnDrench · 27/05/2023 17:10

Stop pussy-footing around and failing to make a decision and act on it.
You don't want to have her kids - it's inconvenient and negatively affects you and your work.

Just take some action to resolve the situation and stop all this nonsense with the what-ifs.

raincamepouringdown · 27/05/2023 17:12

thisisasurvivor · 27/05/2023 15:30

I would say she has taken them 8 days in 4 years

I have had hers almost 100 full days on the last 4 years

Full days
While I'm working also

Show quote history

She's taking the piss.

her children, her responsibility, just like your children are your i.

If she can't watch them, she can pay for care like every other parent in the same position.

Just say no, you can't do it. You don't owe her an explanation, frankly.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 27/05/2023 17:13

Read your last thread which was barely a month ago-read your last post when you state “lesson learned”; well no-it wasn’t was it?

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4793719-todays-cheeky-duckers

Put your big girl pants on and stand up for yourself and your kids.

Todays cheeky duckers | Mumsnet

Well I did type Fckers but duckers works too Lol N Ireland here so teachers striking today Soo single parent Two kids Full time job wfh My frien...

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4793719-todays-cheeky-duckers

Newyearnewmeow · 27/05/2023 17:17

It doesn’t matter if she takes the hump.
She expects you to suck it up and accept it when she’s using you and not caring about how it affects you so she can have a taste of her own medicine.
She will just have to suck it up.
No friendship is worth that stress OP. None.

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