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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be irrationally heartbroken about DHs birthday 'gift'

376 replies

WoolyOctopus · 26/05/2023 16:23

I am 39+2 weeks pregnant. DH and I have had a rough ride recently due to slow baby growth, lots of scans, our stressful jobs, moving house and DD aged 5. We've argued lots and things have been stressful. We are slowly coming out the other side of this and things are getting smoother.
However...
It's my birthday tomorrow. We have friends coming over at 1pm and an engagement party to attend (not ours) tomorrow evening at 7pm. We also have an electrician appointment at 10am. I asked DH if he had anything planned for my birthday (like a nice breakfast or had he bought a cake as DD keeps pestering about it). He said no as we're too busy with other things and 'no time' to do anything nice for my birthday. Fair enough. If that had been me, I would have organised breakfast/ a cake/ lunch with the friends who are coming or SOMETHING to make a little fuss of him but whatever... he clearly doesn't think like that. I can accept that.
But...
Today we went into town as I had booked myself an antenatal massage. I reminded him directly to get me a card and DD said she wanted to get me a gift. her and DH went shopping while I went for my massage. When we get home, he leaves a charity shop plastic bag in the middle of the living room floor. He tells me he found some bargain jeans in a charity shop for himself, I pull them out the bag to have a look and two paperback low-brow granny type Mills and Boon books fall out (two for £2) and a 50p bracelet. He says 'oops' and grabs them back. Tells me they are my birthday presents. Now, I am an English teacher - I collect Booker Prize winner books and both my undergrad and postgrad degrees are in literature. I value good books, I spend my life reading books, talking about books and telling him about the current book I am reading. It is the thing I am most passionate about. I am a book snob - I care about 'good' literature. He knows this. So he decides to buy me two for £2 granny-type 'filler' books from a rack from a charity shop? I have also been asking and asking and asking for a new necklace pendant as my other one snapped two years ago. I still have the chain. I am not a jewellery person but I do like a nice necklace. Two years later and he still hasn't got me one.... fair enough. But to get me a 50p kids bracelet from a charity shop?! When I've never worn a bracelet in the whole time we've been together?
Also: we are relatively comfortable financially too.... so money isn't an issue. Besides, it absolutely is the thought that counts - but where was the thought in this? I have also ALWAYS been a fantastic gift buyer for him - not just materialistically (although I've always done well here) but also thought wise!

So... AIBU to be as hurt as I am? I have genuinely sat and cried about this. We've been having such a hard time, I'm very pregnant and just wanted to feel valued. Even stupid things like he knows I've ran out of bubble bath or I liked a dress in the sale in Sainsburys yesterday that I didn't buy. I've pulled him up on it and have been told I'm materialistic, selfish and 'shouldn't have planned a day full of events if I wanted him to organise something for me' (which he never would have done).

Sorry for length.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 28/05/2023 14:39

Morgysmum · 28/05/2023 14:20

Men are just crap at gift giving. My partner got me 2 books for a present. 1 from Dawn French and 1 Paul O'grady. I asked him why, I have a handful of authors that I like. When I read a book, it has to keep my attention if it doesn't I cannot read it, odd but that's how it works with me. He said I liked Dawn French, I said yes as a comedian, I have never read any of her books. Paul, I love his dog TV programme, again not his books. Both are sat on the book shelf, dawns not read, Paul's I tried but about 1 chapter in, that's where it has stayed. After that, I went through a faze of buying what I want for birthday or Christmas, then give it to him to wrap. I have dropped loads of hints, that he never picks up on, or epic fails on, like the valentines day present that was a stepper, so happy valentines day fatty, you need to loose weight.
Make sure you make him you, inflict pain on him during labour.

No, your man is crap at gift giving. He's allowed to be a lazy git, so is.

Lavagirl · 28/05/2023 18:25

Parents of boys: PLEASE teach your children that a little consideration around buying a gift and writing a card for the people in their lives is a required skill. It's horribly misogynistic that so many grown men refuse to do this simple task ffs

MyMILisLovely · 28/05/2023 20:07

What Lavagirl said, but also that flowers are not a gift, they are a token of appreciation, and if it's a birthday/valentine's day/mother's day, they accompany a gift.

Fluffmum · 28/05/2023 21:35

My DH is useless with presents just buy yourself own , never be disappointed again 😂

Billyho · 28/05/2023 22:18

Fluffmum · 28/05/2023 21:35

My DH is useless with presents just buy yourself own , never be disappointed again 😂

Or just dump your shite DH and never be upset again?

frazzledasarock · 28/05/2023 23:30

Men are not ‘just crap at gift giving’ it doesn’t take a vagina to suddenly be caring and thoughtful and loving towards your partner.

uncaring, lazy, selfish, can’t be arsed men are shit at gift giving.

My closest friend has three boys. And they go all out and get her really thoughtful gifts clearly thinking about their mum. Her boys are aged between 17-23. Her last birthday they got her a tech gift, a fashion item and chocolates. Because the youngest had researched it and decided this was what you should gift. And the gifts were spot on because they thought of their mums preferences when buying for her.

My DH knows I love reading so he will buy me books from the genre he knows I read and love. He checks which books I already own and buys me a book from the collection I’m reading.

I’d be hurt if he bought me charity shop mills and boon books too. I’d hate mills and boon books full stop.

difference is I know my DH wouldn’t be so mean or uncaring.

And it’s absolutely fine if as many MNers on here don’t mind and are thrilled about getting nothing or ‘joke’ gifts or rubbish that gets sent straight to the charity shops/bin. That’s your preference. And clearly your partners are living up to expectations and thinking of what you’d like.

OP’s H is not thinking of her or even trying to please her. Why wouldn’t you pick up a supermarket cake with your child if it means so much to your pregnant wife? Why the hell not?

BellaVida22 · 29/05/2023 00:54

I actually think bad gifts are worse than no gift at all. It can feel like a deliberate insult.

ImustLearn2Cook · 29/05/2023 00:57

@frazzledasarock Well said 👏

SparklyBlackKitten · 29/05/2023 01:08

So clearly you have know for years that DH is an idiot when it comes to gift buying

But you still expect him to buy you something nice.

Thats like expecting a dead horse to jump. It will never happen

Buy yourself something nice the next time.

He will never change

billy1966 · 29/05/2023 08:07

frazzledasarock · 28/05/2023 23:30

Men are not ‘just crap at gift giving’ it doesn’t take a vagina to suddenly be caring and thoughtful and loving towards your partner.

uncaring, lazy, selfish, can’t be arsed men are shit at gift giving.

My closest friend has three boys. And they go all out and get her really thoughtful gifts clearly thinking about their mum. Her boys are aged between 17-23. Her last birthday they got her a tech gift, a fashion item and chocolates. Because the youngest had researched it and decided this was what you should gift. And the gifts were spot on because they thought of their mums preferences when buying for her.

My DH knows I love reading so he will buy me books from the genre he knows I read and love. He checks which books I already own and buys me a book from the collection I’m reading.

I’d be hurt if he bought me charity shop mills and boon books too. I’d hate mills and boon books full stop.

difference is I know my DH wouldn’t be so mean or uncaring.

And it’s absolutely fine if as many MNers on here don’t mind and are thrilled about getting nothing or ‘joke’ gifts or rubbish that gets sent straight to the charity shops/bin. That’s your preference. And clearly your partners are living up to expectations and thinking of what you’d like.

OP’s H is not thinking of her or even trying to please her. Why wouldn’t you pick up a supermarket cake with your child if it means so much to your pregnant wife? Why the hell not?

Wise words as usual @frazzledasarock.

He's not very nice.

Simple as.

Some men like to do as little as possible in the relationship and use special days to PA put women in their place.

A massive 🚩 for me.

Not the actions of a man that really cares about you, particularly while carrying his child.

Pregnancy does release the arse in some men.

It would make me wary.

sofat · 29/05/2023 08:27

I'm the opposite - DH always asks what I want for my upcoming birthday and I say nothing, honestly don't spend money on something just because it's my birthday. We do go out for a nice meal or he would cook for the family (he often cooks anyway) but I'm happy to be recognised it's my birthday without a present. We are a family of 4.

However, he does get me the latest iPhone or an Apple Watch if I want one (which is probably every other year). I'm happy with what I have and know he will get it for me when I want something so I don't particularly have to be given something for my birthday.

ImustLearn2Cook · 29/05/2023 10:48

@sofat well that’s thoughtful of your dh to ask you what you want for your birthday. Clearly he cares about what you want and how you feel. The Op hasn’t got that in her dh. He didn’t care about her feelings and when she tried to communicate with him he shut her down by calling her materialistic and selfish. He resorted to name calling and deliberately set out to show her that her feelings don’t matter. Which is what she is actually upset about.

WestendVBroadway · 29/05/2023 15:53

@WoolyOctopus You have not yet updated. Is it because hubbie whisked you away for a surprise break and you are too busy? Or is it because you have done him in and been arrested?

Billyho · 29/05/2023 16:14

WestendVBroadway · 29/05/2023 15:53

@WoolyOctopus You have not yet updated. Is it because hubbie whisked you away for a surprise break and you are too busy? Or is it because you have done him in and been arrested?

She may well have gone into labour, possibly on her birthday!

WestendVBroadway · 29/05/2023 16:27

@Billyho , oops ! I had completely forgotten about her being enceinte !

Clementineorsatsuma · 29/05/2023 17:03

AnObserverInThisDarkWorld · 26/05/2023 16:29

Do you know those gifts are off him?
Maybe whilst he was looking for jeans DD picked them out for you herself... she knows you like books and is too young to know you're so stuck up about them and she liked the bracelet?
Is it possible DH has got you a cake and just doesn't want to spoil the surprise? Is he maybe planning to take you out for a meal another day as you are busy tomorrow?

I think you're being unreasonable until you actually know for certain tomorrow.

Disliking a particular genre of (rubbish) book, especially as a literature graduate, is not stuck up!

Oldandcrustynz · 30/05/2023 01:11

Not being unreasonable. You're being taken for granted and it sucks.

I think someone else here put it beautifully- writing about significance and how significant your DH thinks you are based on how he treats you. To quote Eliza Doolittle: " The difference between a duchess and a flower girl is how she is treated".

DH somehow has the belief that he is justified in putting in zero effort for your birthday. He could have ordered a cake online at the very least.
So you go out shopping and you have a massage? An ideal opportunity for him to take DD to buy something nice for Mummy - she could have bought the bracelet - he could have bought something else to treat you. Tat Mills and Boon from a charity store is not a treat - we all know it's granny porn for bored eldery ladies at the nursing home. Even a box of chocolates and a book voucher would have been better than that (my DH is clueless about fiction as he never reads it. I have asked for book vouchers.)
They could have come home and he could.have helped DD wrap the presents, having a nice daddy daughter moment, and then presented them to you. Maybe made you a card together. But throwing them on the floor in a charity shop bag just smacks of bloody rudeness and frankly of contempt.
He screwed up badly, he knows that and he is trying to turn it back on you. That is just outright bad behaviour.
How Daddy treats Mummy sets up your DD's expectations of how she should be treated in a relationship. Does he understand that? Would he like it if his daughter was treated that way?
Yeah, I have read comments it's only a birthday and it's only a gift and blah blah - buy your own etc. Why should we have to? Gifts are a gesture of love and appreciation. Even a bunch of flowers picked from the garden means so much. When did we start expecting this incompetence and cluelessness as the norm from the men who were able to put in the effort before marriage and kids to make us feel wanted or special?

Oldandcrustynz · 30/05/2023 02:35

I think we are allowed to expect a little more than nothing.

I don't buy this Homer Simpson BS for a minute. Are we really supposed to swallow that a fully-grown person capable of managing a business or balancing a spreadsheet, or diagnosing a complicated medical condition or organising an event or arranging multi-platform meetings or securing the best deal for roofing insulation is suddenly incapable of buying a cake or appropriate gift for their wife? A child can do that - and do it bloody well!
I have two kids. Why am I supposed to be my husband's effing mother as well?

ImustLearn2Cook · 30/05/2023 03:34

@Oldandcrustynz So beautifully written and spot on 🌸💖

Greycloudlooming · 30/05/2023 04:51

No way. He’s shit, inconsiderate and is taking you for granted.

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 30/05/2023 05:45

That is an awful present! I like an occasional Mills and Boon but if anyone bought it for me as a birthday present I'd toss it into the bin. If my (now ex) Dh had ever bought me something like that I would have stood in front of him and ripped it into pieces and then dropped the pieces into the bin.

And I couldn't give a fuck if anyone calls me an ungrateful cow. What the hell is there to be grateful for here???!!!

Absolute thoughtless cheapskate!!!

Jjjy · 30/05/2023 07:02

I think a lot of men just don’t give a shit about birthdays.

When I ask mine what he would like he always says “don’t get me anything, I’m not fussed” it usually ends up me buying him something that he either didn’t want or didn’t need.

Susiefish21 · 30/05/2023 08:01

It's not so much the birthday present but the lack of thought in the way it was done, where is the caring and loving attitude?

frazzledasarock · 30/05/2023 11:23

Jjjy · 30/05/2023 07:02

I think a lot of men just don’t give a shit about birthdays.

When I ask mine what he would like he always says “don’t get me anything, I’m not fussed” it usually ends up me buying him something that he either didn’t want or didn’t need.

No, it's your husband that doesn't care about gifts, it's not a lot of men, it's not all men, it's your husband in particular here who doesn't care.

Women have such low bars for men.

Billyho · 30/05/2023 20:11

Jjjy · 30/05/2023 07:02

I think a lot of men just don’t give a shit about birthdays.

When I ask mine what he would like he always says “don’t get me anything, I’m not fussed” it usually ends up me buying him something that he either didn’t want or didn’t need.

I think you need to raise your standards.