To be irrationally heartbroken about DHs birthday 'gift'

[WoolyOctopus]

I am 39+2 weeks pregnant. DH and I have had a rough ride recently due to slow baby growth, lots of scans, our stressful jobs, moving house and DD aged 5. We've argued lots and things have been stressful. We are slowly coming out the other side of this and things are getting smoother.
However...
It's my birthday tomorrow. We have friends coming over at 1pm and an engagement party to attend (not ours) tomorrow evening at 7pm. We also have an electrician appointment at 10am. I asked DH if he had anything planned for my birthday (like a nice breakfast or had he bought a cake as DD keeps pestering about it). He said no as we're too busy with other things and 'no time' to do anything nice for my birthday. Fair enough. If that had been me, I would have organised breakfast/ a cake/ lunch with the friends who are coming or SOMETHING to make a little fuss of him but whatever... he clearly doesn't think like that. I can accept that.
But...
Today we went into town as I had booked myself an antenatal massage. I reminded him directly to get me a card and DD said she wanted to get me a gift. her and DH went shopping while I went for my massage. When we get home, he leaves a charity shop plastic bag in the middle of the living room floor. He tells me he found some bargain jeans in a charity shop for himself, I pull them out the bag to have a look and two paperback low-brow granny type Mills and Boon books fall out (two for £2) and a 50p bracelet. He says 'oops' and grabs them back. Tells me they are my birthday presents. Now, I am an English teacher - I collect Booker Prize winner books and both my undergrad and postgrad degrees are in literature. I value good books, I spend my life reading books, talking about books and telling him about the current book I am reading. It is the thing I am most passionate about. I am a book snob - I care about 'good' literature. He knows this. So he decides to buy me two for £2 granny-type 'filler' books from a rack from a charity shop? I have also been asking and asking and asking for a new necklace pendant as my other one snapped two years ago. I still have the chain. I am not a jewellery person but I do like a nice necklace. Two years later and he still hasn't got me one.... fair enough. But to get me a 50p kids bracelet from a charity shop?! When I've never worn a bracelet in the whole time we've been together?
Also: we are relatively comfortable financially too.... so money isn't an issue. Besides, it absolutely is the thought that counts - but where was the thought in this? I have also ALWAYS been a fantastic gift buyer for him - not just materialistically (although I've always done well here) but also thought wise!

So... AIBU to be as hurt as I am? I have genuinely sat and cried about this. We've been having such a hard time, I'm very pregnant and just wanted to feel valued. Even stupid things like he knows I've ran out of bubble bath or I liked a dress in the sale in Sainsburys yesterday that I didn't buy. I've pulled him up on it and have been told I'm materialistic, selfish and 'shouldn't have planned a day full of events if I wanted him to organise something for me' (which he never would have done).

Sorry for length.

Tell your DH for next year that there are some things, easy to buy, that just about everyone likes as birthday presents: a special drink - wine or some sort of posh no alcohol drink; chocolate or sweets, flowers or a plant, some sort of nice toiletries like bubble bath or nice hand wash. Can't go too far wrong and can be bought in any supermarket. For the really nice stuff you just have to buy it yourself

I would be upset too, it’s not about spending a lot of money, it’s about caring enough to be thoughtful. I think it’s bad show on his behalf, I would tell him how hurt you feel.

Yes, exactly this. I'm going to stick my neck out and say hubby has never been much of a birthday person, gift-buyer, judging by the fact the OP feels the need to constantly remind him. The OP, I think, is judging him by her own standards, expecting him to behave as she would, but they are not the same person. It almost seems as though she's pushing him to fail.

I have never responded to any message on this site, until now! You are carrying this man's child and suffering all the aches and pains of pregnancy. The absolute VERY least he can do is spoil you a little on your birthday. As you say, nothing big, a card, a voucher and a bubble bath, I'm sure would have sufficed. You are quite right to feel disappointed and hurt. Wishing you a better week ahead!

Except OP is 39 weeks pregnant with a toddler and her DH is ok on all other fronts.
He's a rubbish present buyer, it's not great but not worth leaving over. Just send him a link to exactly what you want - that's what I do to avoid disappointment

You are being unreasonable.
firstly your immensely pious attitude to your taste in books and secondly your Daughter could have chosen those books and necklace for you.

But she didn’t. She chose the bracelet. I’ve never heard the word piety applied to reading habits before, on that basis I must be destined for sainthood.

You're entitled to some thought from the person who is supposed to love you

Happy birthday lovely, that’s shit it’s not ok
agree with other poster it’s passive aggressive.
I had this crap for years , why I didn’t get it when for Christmas one year my ex brought me a set of measuring spoons , my friends always said they loved the way I cooked I never measured anything he knew that !
the lack of care is palpable.
call him out , stamp this out now don’t put up with it
it’s horrible a bunch of supermarket flowers would be a step up .
really sorry for you , treat yourself to something nice and enjoy it
😊

I am not a book snob and Id hate a Mills and Boons book, straight in the bin it would go.

Make sure you do the same to him. No Father’s Day. No birthday.

I hope he has something planned after the baby's arrival. If he could buy jeans for himself he could buy something special for you, pregnant, birthday. Tell him it's not materialism you're after, although something you really enjoy would help, but more thoughtfulness about you and understanding your wants/needs, not second hand crappy presents and not given in a loving and courteous manner.
I wish you well with the birth of your child and a more thoughtful husband. X

Men can be so shit. I’d be pretty unimpressed.

And if your daughter wanted to buy you a used jock strap from a charity shop, you wouldn’t expect your DH to steer her to something else?

get a fucking grip!

YANBU to be upset. Thoughtless idiot DH. But don't wallow in self pity, do something positive to make yourself feel good, particularly as pregnant and need to be indulged. Buy yourself that dress in Sainsbury's. Order a dozen books you'd like to read. But a beautiful pendant you like and some posh bubble bath.
Spoil yourself. Now and always. Not against the law. Whether you have a dh or not, regular nice small things are very good for mental wellbeing. Happy birthday

Or after he’d spent £2.50 on what DD wanted to buy, then going somewhere and getting his wife a decent present.

I assume you’re a martyr and therefore expect everyone else to have such low expectations?

You’re comparing a bracelet to a jock strap? It’s you that should get a grip.

Oh give over a bloody 50p “bracelet”!!!

You think that’s an admirable “gift” from your DH? Raise your standards!

If DD chose the bracelet that's one thing, but to buy books that are so far away from your reading habits shows very little thought – "Ooh books! They'll do."

You've been together long enough that he should have a vague idea of your reading habits.

I have been married to DH for 37 years and have 3 sons with him. They are all rubbish at buying presents. Not because they don’t care, all show love in different ways, but they are just not wired to pick up on subtle signals. They literally need a sledgehammer over the head. They can buy each other nerdy presents that are perfect, but not woman stuff. I give hubby a list now for them all of stuff I would love, and they choose something. Funny enough they are great at one thing. I love the schwarvoski limited edition annual Christmas stars (still can’t spell it after 30 years) and I said when oldest was born just before christmas, I want one every Christmas as a reminder of the lovely first Christmas as a family. They would climb mountains and slay dragons to make sure I open a box with a star every Christmas morning.

My DS had chosen some shocker of presents when he was tiny……… all cherished and celebrated and kept.

my DH didn’t use them as an excuse to not buy me a present, that present he bought was not celebrated I front of DS, because as far as he was concerned his was the best (which I made sure he felt it was).

these women saying bit DD chose it, well I bet she wouldn’t have been able to choose it if it was ££££££!

Funny that!

I shd say ur more emosh atm but you're not being unreasonable.
Hoping he's on a wind up and you have a lovely birthday 🎂
Please let us know 😊

I think it's the books that are being compared to the jock strap surely? It's Mills and Boon after all, seems apt.

I hope he made note of your comments and rushed out and got you something or ordered something on line…

if not …. You know what to do for his birthday…..

You have said ’I can accept that’. But you would not be posting here if you could. It seems to me that a present or some other acknowledgement of your birthday by your husband represents a measure of his regard for you. It is also difficult for children to understand why Mummy’s birthday isn’t celebrated with a cake and that adds to the hurt. Perhaps at the moment you feel vulnerable and things will settle down when you have your baby, but to me your husband sounds as awful as mine was. We divorced. It’s tough being a single parent but my self esteem improved immeasurably when I was on my own.
I can honestly say that when you feel loved and appreciated, as I do now in my current relationship occasion cards eg Valentines, don’t matter.
I hope you work things out. Good luck x