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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be irrationally heartbroken about DHs birthday 'gift'

376 replies

WoolyOctopus · 26/05/2023 16:23

I am 39+2 weeks pregnant. DH and I have had a rough ride recently due to slow baby growth, lots of scans, our stressful jobs, moving house and DD aged 5. We've argued lots and things have been stressful. We are slowly coming out the other side of this and things are getting smoother.
However...
It's my birthday tomorrow. We have friends coming over at 1pm and an engagement party to attend (not ours) tomorrow evening at 7pm. We also have an electrician appointment at 10am. I asked DH if he had anything planned for my birthday (like a nice breakfast or had he bought a cake as DD keeps pestering about it). He said no as we're too busy with other things and 'no time' to do anything nice for my birthday. Fair enough. If that had been me, I would have organised breakfast/ a cake/ lunch with the friends who are coming or SOMETHING to make a little fuss of him but whatever... he clearly doesn't think like that. I can accept that.
But...
Today we went into town as I had booked myself an antenatal massage. I reminded him directly to get me a card and DD said she wanted to get me a gift. her and DH went shopping while I went for my massage. When we get home, he leaves a charity shop plastic bag in the middle of the living room floor. He tells me he found some bargain jeans in a charity shop for himself, I pull them out the bag to have a look and two paperback low-brow granny type Mills and Boon books fall out (two for £2) and a 50p bracelet. He says 'oops' and grabs them back. Tells me they are my birthday presents. Now, I am an English teacher - I collect Booker Prize winner books and both my undergrad and postgrad degrees are in literature. I value good books, I spend my life reading books, talking about books and telling him about the current book I am reading. It is the thing I am most passionate about. I am a book snob - I care about 'good' literature. He knows this. So he decides to buy me two for £2 granny-type 'filler' books from a rack from a charity shop? I have also been asking and asking and asking for a new necklace pendant as my other one snapped two years ago. I still have the chain. I am not a jewellery person but I do like a nice necklace. Two years later and he still hasn't got me one.... fair enough. But to get me a 50p kids bracelet from a charity shop?! When I've never worn a bracelet in the whole time we've been together?
Also: we are relatively comfortable financially too.... so money isn't an issue. Besides, it absolutely is the thought that counts - but where was the thought in this? I have also ALWAYS been a fantastic gift buyer for him - not just materialistically (although I've always done well here) but also thought wise!

So... AIBU to be as hurt as I am? I have genuinely sat and cried about this. We've been having such a hard time, I'm very pregnant and just wanted to feel valued. Even stupid things like he knows I've ran out of bubble bath or I liked a dress in the sale in Sainsburys yesterday that I didn't buy. I've pulled him up on it and have been told I'm materialistic, selfish and 'shouldn't have planned a day full of events if I wanted him to organise something for me' (which he never would have done).

Sorry for length.

OP posts:
whatkatydid2013 · 27/05/2023 05:46

abmac95 · 27/05/2023 05:10

Nobody is entitled to a gift.

People are however entitled to expect that their partners will care enough about them to bother understanding if it’s important to them to celebrate a particular event. They are also entitled to expect that if they care about getting a birthday gift their partner will bother to spend a bit of time/effort (& a bit of money if it’s available) to get them something. Even if you don’t care about something you generally do it at least occasionally for people you love if they do care about it. It’s maybe 4/5 times a year there is some expectation you’ll sort a gift out for an event for your partner.

Zampa · 27/05/2023 05:52

Happy Birthday @WoolyOctopus !

NashvilleQueen · 27/05/2023 05:56

I do wonder whether it's an elaborate joke and tomorrow you'll get something much nicer as a surprise. The casual leaving out of Mills & Boone given what you've said gives me some hope.

Happy birthday OP

CurlewKate · 27/05/2023 06:20

@abmac95 "Nobody is entitled to a gift"

Oh, stop being an arse. It's not big and it's not clever.

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 27/05/2023 06:27

He is truly shit. What a failure. Having someone’s lack of care evidenced so clearly is painful. Especially when you throw in late pregnancy and pregnancy complications, and him lashing out at you for being upset with two charity shop ‘romance’ paperbacks… which are favoured by older women.

He’s more than happy to receive thoughtful and valuable presents from you, but can’t put one iota of thought into anything for you. Ugh.

ImustLearn2Cook · 27/05/2023 06:27

Happy birthday @WoolyOctopus 🥳

If your husband doesn’t step up and show a bit more thoughtful celebration of your birthday today, for his next birthday buy him a birthday present that is for you to enjoy. Like a book from one of your favourite authors 😉

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 27/05/2023 06:28

abmac95 · 27/05/2023 05:10

Nobody is entitled to a gift.

You never bring much to the table do you, just shitty one liners to try to get yourself some attention.

Modestandatinybitsexy · 27/05/2023 06:44

Happy birthday! CakeFlowersWineStar

I hope your DH can redeem himself and you can have a lovely celebration at some point this weekend.

Regholdsworthswaterbed · 27/05/2023 08:40

abmac95 · 27/05/2023 05:10

Nobody is entitled to a gift.

I am!

rookiemere · 27/05/2023 08:46

Even if it is a hoax - which I very much doubt - it's still a cruel gesture for a heavily pregnant DW who has always provided generous and thoughtful gifts.

LuckySantangelo35 · 27/05/2023 09:05

abmac95 · 27/05/2023 05:10

Nobody is entitled to a gift.

@abmac95

actually I would say you are on your birthday

coodawoodashooda · 27/05/2023 09:11

ButterflyOil · 26/05/2023 16:41

An ex of mine once did something very similar. It was absolutely a passive aggressive move and meant to make me feel like shit. The fact that he’s trying to make you take bad guy here makes me suspect this was a very pointed move.

Yeah op. It's a strategy. It's designed with the intention of making you sad. You'll slowly get used to it. Or get rid of him.

Iwasafool · 27/05/2023 09:18

WoolyOctopus · 26/05/2023 20:59

So many of these witty and fantastic responses have made me laugh out loud (in a nice way) at the amazing support from so many women! Thank you so much... a more exciting birthday than usual. Thank you all for the birthday wishes.

For those saying about the granny book comment - I think you are finding things to be offended about! The granny comment was simply because my 85 year old grandmother has books by the same author as what he has bought me. The rack he has clearly selected them off is also her first port of call in any charity shop (usually by the window). Of course older women can read 'proper books' just as many old/young/fat/thin/white/Asian etc etc etc women can. Just as many may choose to read the type of books he bought me. Each to their own! It was never meant as an insult... it was simply trying to convey what type of book I meant without uploading a photo. People find things to be offended about so easily. Some of the most amazing professors that taught me were 'older women' and far more accomplished than I will ever be. I would just say, stereotypically, the type of book he bought me is favoured by my gran and her circle of friends.

Wriggle as you might it was an ageist comment and it isn't up to you to decide if people are offended. It wasn't an insult? Really, did you think it was a compliment? If it was like your granny's books then why not say that? Do you think no younger women, women who aren't mothers let alone grandmothers read those books?

The problem is that many people on MN seem to think ageism is OK, people who wouldn't dream of making comments about the disabled/BAME people or any other group but the elderly, the boomers? Yes we are fair game.

Instead of justifying yourself you really should just apologise and say you didn't intend to offend.

So people look to be offended, is that including you about your birthday presents? Or are you entitled to be offended when other aren't?

Iwasafool · 27/05/2023 09:24

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 27/05/2023 06:27

He is truly shit. What a failure. Having someone’s lack of care evidenced so clearly is painful. Especially when you throw in late pregnancy and pregnancy complications, and him lashing out at you for being upset with two charity shop ‘romance’ paperbacks… which are favoured by older women.

He’s more than happy to receive thoughtful and valuable presents from you, but can’t put one iota of thought into anything for you. Ugh.

He might not like the presents but be too polite to mention it. He might think valuable presents are a waste of money. I always love the assumption from people that their presents are so appropriate, I've known people like that and frequently what they think is a wonderful thoughtful present is something I say thank you how wonderful and then put it in a drawer or give it to the charity shop.

Billyho · 27/05/2023 09:33

Iwasafool · 27/05/2023 09:18

Wriggle as you might it was an ageist comment and it isn't up to you to decide if people are offended. It wasn't an insult? Really, did you think it was a compliment? If it was like your granny's books then why not say that? Do you think no younger women, women who aren't mothers let alone grandmothers read those books?

The problem is that many people on MN seem to think ageism is OK, people who wouldn't dream of making comments about the disabled/BAME people or any other group but the elderly, the boomers? Yes we are fair game.

Instead of justifying yourself you really should just apologise and say you didn't intend to offend.

So people look to be offended, is that including you about your birthday presents? Or are you entitled to be offended when other aren't?

Show quote history

Stop derailing the thread! It’s boring!

MyMILisLovely · 27/05/2023 09:46

Many happy returns, @WoolyOctopus !

Iwasafool · 27/05/2023 09:49

Billyho · 27/05/2023 09:33

Stop derailing the thread! It’s boring!

Show quote history

Prejudice isn't OK and it needs challenging. The OP opened the door so don't blame offended people for walking in. Being told we are looking to take offence is the icing on the cake.

PaigeMatthews · 27/05/2023 09:50

Happy birthday op!

NImumconfused · 27/05/2023 09:54

Happy birthday OP, hope you have a nice time with your friends at least.

Re the books, I remember being stunned to discover my uni lecturer in 18th and 19th century English literature used to write Mills & Boon historical romances on the side!

MyMILisLovely · 27/05/2023 09:57

@Iwasafool , OP has explained why she said it.
OP is heavily pregnant and is upset, and it's her birthday. Drop it.

Theeyeballsinthesky · 27/05/2023 10:09

Happy birthday @WoolyOctopus i hope DH has had a think, realised he’s been an arse & gone out to buy you cake 🎂

GeorgeA12 · 27/05/2023 10:09

I remember my dad buying my mum a VHS tape and wrapping it up in newspaper for her. That was 40 years ago. Still sits with me.

Billyho · 27/05/2023 10:18

Iwasafool · 27/05/2023 09:24

He might not like the presents but be too polite to mention it. He might think valuable presents are a waste of money. I always love the assumption from people that their presents are so appropriate, I've known people like that and frequently what they think is a wonderful thoughtful present is something I say thank you how wonderful and then put it in a drawer or give it to the charity shop.

Show quote history

Well how disingenuous are you!

Billyho · 27/05/2023 10:18

Iwasafool · 27/05/2023 09:49

Prejudice isn't OK and it needs challenging. The OP opened the door so don't blame offended people for walking in. Being told we are looking to take offence is the icing on the cake.

Show quote history

Move on….

AbreathofFrenchair · 27/05/2023 10:28

AnObserverInThisDarkWorld · 26/05/2023 16:39

OP admits to being a book snob

And going on about only reading Booker Prize novels and having lit degree does come across as "I only like 'proper' books"

Show quote history

Agreed. Its not snobby to not want to read certain books but when you go ahead and admit your a book snob and most likely judge other peoples reading choices too (because you only read Booker prize winners) makes you more of a dick tbh.

You're no better because of what you read and having this attitude towards books says more about you than the type of books you think make you a better person.

As for the OPs birthday presents, send them back the charity shop. Either your husband has always been like this or its something new. If he's always like this, why are you so surprised now? Has he ever got you books before? And if this new, ask him why rather than weeping and pearl clutching over the lack of "proper" books.