To be irrationally heartbroken about DHs birthday 'gift'

[WoolyOctopus]

I am 39+2 weeks pregnant. DH and I have had a rough ride recently due to slow baby growth, lots of scans, our stressful jobs, moving house and DD aged 5. We've argued lots and things have been stressful. We are slowly coming out the other side of this and things are getting smoother.
However...
It's my birthday tomorrow. We have friends coming over at 1pm and an engagement party to attend (not ours) tomorrow evening at 7pm. We also have an electrician appointment at 10am. I asked DH if he had anything planned for my birthday (like a nice breakfast or had he bought a cake as DD keeps pestering about it). He said no as we're too busy with other things and 'no time' to do anything nice for my birthday. Fair enough. If that had been me, I would have organised breakfast/ a cake/ lunch with the friends who are coming or SOMETHING to make a little fuss of him but whatever... he clearly doesn't think like that. I can accept that.
But...
Today we went into town as I had booked myself an antenatal massage. I reminded him directly to get me a card and DD said she wanted to get me a gift. her and DH went shopping while I went for my massage. When we get home, he leaves a charity shop plastic bag in the middle of the living room floor. He tells me he found some bargain jeans in a charity shop for himself, I pull them out the bag to have a look and two paperback low-brow granny type Mills and Boon books fall out (two for £2) and a 50p bracelet. He says 'oops' and grabs them back. Tells me they are my birthday presents. Now, I am an English teacher - I collect Booker Prize winner books and both my undergrad and postgrad degrees are in literature. I value good books, I spend my life reading books, talking about books and telling him about the current book I am reading. It is the thing I am most passionate about. I am a book snob - I care about 'good' literature. He knows this. So he decides to buy me two for £2 granny-type 'filler' books from a rack from a charity shop? I have also been asking and asking and asking for a new necklace pendant as my other one snapped two years ago. I still have the chain. I am not a jewellery person but I do like a nice necklace. Two years later and he still hasn't got me one.... fair enough. But to get me a 50p kids bracelet from a charity shop?! When I've never worn a bracelet in the whole time we've been together?
Also: we are relatively comfortable financially too.... so money isn't an issue. Besides, it absolutely is the thought that counts - but where was the thought in this? I have also ALWAYS been a fantastic gift buyer for him - not just materialistically (although I've always done well here) but also thought wise!

So... AIBU to be as hurt as I am? I have genuinely sat and cried about this. We've been having such a hard time, I'm very pregnant and just wanted to feel valued. Even stupid things like he knows I've ran out of bubble bath or I liked a dress in the sale in Sainsburys yesterday that I didn't buy. I've pulled him up on it and have been told I'm materialistic, selfish and 'shouldn't have planned a day full of events if I wanted him to organise something for me' (which he never would have done).

Sorry for length.

I really want to know if he surprised you on your birthday?

Make a wish list. If he fails at that then dump him.

”I found a pile of ancient ( 1960’s) Mills and boon slim paperbacks in an old house we were staying at- Nothing else to read at all, so read them- very formulaic.

Jane Eyre they were not, but similar outcomes- Girl gets her handsome, initially unpleasant brooding man.”

Who presumably buys every present a girl could wish for! 🤣

This, beautifully explained too.

On the plus side OP, you've done well here.

Normally complaints about lack of presents or presents without thought are met with multiple replies about how adults are too old for presents (especially at Christmas!) At least you've got sympathy and understanding here!

You obviously aren't on the same page re birthdays and Christmas. He's obviously not going to move to yours so I suggest that you now downgrade your gift buying to his level. Fathers Day - no gift just a handmade card from DD - fold a piece of paper in half and tell her to get on with it. No special food/ meal out/ present etc. His birthday - just buy £2 of crap from the charity shop - tell him that its the equivalent of the Mills & Boon and don't bother with a cake. You could of course "regift" the Mills & Boon on the grounds that he must have thought them interesting since he bought them in the first place.) Certainly no more £500 specially engraved presents for Christmas. His reaction to this will tell you whether he is not good at presents because he doesn't think they're important (in which case he won't care as he's not "materialistic") or if he simply cba/doesn't think you're worth the effort (in which case he'll be pissed off). If the latter then you might have some thinking to do.

In contrast my DP who only reads utter shite like James Patterson, knows I'm a book snob, so went out of his way to google reviews for books and got me a classic ghost story. It is possible for a non-book-lover to manage to not be shite.
I would be buying him the worst piece of tat from a charity shop for his bd/Christmas, whichever came first.

Just another selfish, self centred male. Full of bullshit ! How hard is it to just make a little effort.. I’d be pissed off too, and no you are not being unreasonable.

I’m so sorry this has happened to you OP. It made me so sad to read…especially given your very pregnant situation. Your DH’s behaviour is thoughtless, lazy, selfish and unkind. And to then accuse you of being materialistic and selfish is nothing more than blame shifting projection. If I was in your position I’d let this go. Buy yourself a cake and celebrate with your DD. Go online and treat yourself to whatever pendant you fancy - Wolf and Badger is fab…and mostly look forward to your imminent arrival. Some things are best put on the back burner - you have something way more important cooking. But don’t forget. Once DC is safely delivered and settled read this post and revisit this with DH. I’d want to discuss this fully, and I’d expect behavioural change … it’s not acceptable. I’m a book snob too and I’d resent the fuck out of my DH if he bought me what you described.

Absolutely right, I really laughed at “ I collect Booker prize winners”. Don’t actually read them, but there they all are in a row.

The presents sounds like your DD had a hand in.

You have packed too much into your birthday. At this stage of your pregnancy you should be relaxing without added stress of hosting visitors at your house. You should have given your DD and DH time to bake a cake and cook a lovely lunch at home. Something they could do for you.

Cramming too much into your day tbh.

I don’t give a monkeys about birthdays. DP and I are equally rubbish but we still exchange gifts. I buy what I want and tell him to give it to me as a present on my birthday! The rest of our family all do Amazon wish lists for the rest of the year/Christmas. The kids make/design nice cards and that’s always appreciated more.

Buy yourself a lovely expensive pendant for your necklace and that dress you saw and any other damm thing you want!
he better step up with Dc number 2 coming and sending you Birthday wishes, good luck for the Birth and lots of love xxx

Liking decent literature isn't being a book snob - just like not watching Love Island isn't being a television snob. It's being discernible in your taste. I would be absolutely raging if my husband did all this about me some crap books.

Some men are hopeless at gift buying. Mine bought me a thing for filing the hard skin off my feet one Christmas!

Yes... But it's a preference!!

Ot

I agree there is something wrong here and this was designed to get a reaction so he can tell you how selfish you are. Not even sure he’d be receptive to talking. Say (nicely) that in future let’s just treat ourselves at birthdays; it’s so much easier as we each know exactly what we like - maybe just buy each other cards. He has shot himself in the foot as he always did so much better from your thoughtfulness. Best never to react as I think he’s trying to hurt.

I’d be really disappointed too and especially being pregnant. My husband is the same sometimes, he genuinely tries to think of things we’ve talked about but they tend to just miss the mark of being appropriate presents. I’m pregnant too and due 2 weeks after my birthday so can only imagine what I get! I’ve also hinted pregnancy massages would be greatly appreciated.

For my last birthday he decided to inject some passion and bought a terrible see through lace babydoll type thing, then got in a panic about sizes so ordered a second bigger one and gave me the smaller one to open on my birthday (in front of our 3 year old) then left it too late to return so I ended up with both! And no it didn’t contribute to the baby making!!

For Mother’s Day he bought me a fondue set because we always joke about it being the crappy prize we would choose on a quiz show we watch. Both times he said they were just joke presents really. He also has a habit of buying me a bottle of supermarket wine or presecco wrapped up in a gift bag. Yes I love wine but you buy friends and neighbours a bottle not your wife! In comparison I bought him personalised number plates for his car. Other times he can do something really sweet and I get flowers quite regularly even without a special occasion which is nice.

My advice would be stop the physical gifts and instead plan a trip. I just said lets not waste money on things we don’t even need and put the money towards a day out so now we go to a zoo, toddler theme park, overnight city stay just us two, we’ve been to concerts and even the commonwealth games and saying it’s our present to each other. So much easier!

@LifesTooShortForYourNonsense

why should she?!
her DH needs to do better

At the moment you both have a lot on your plate. What DH and I have done in the past is promise a belated celebration. When thing have cleared up a bit do something nice, a meal out or a weekend away sans les enfants.

As for the books, yes Mills and Boon are low brow and formulaic but they are great escapism. Ideal for reading in the bath, and not so engrossing that the bath gets cold with you still in it.

Anyone else hoping there’s an update on the birthday present

How was your birthday OP?

Joking aside, with all the hints and the fact op is heavily pregnant I do think he’s being a bit selfish.

Yeah, I am. Hoping the Op is ok.

Men are just crap at gift giving. My partner got me 2 books for a present. 1 from Dawn French and 1 Paul O'grady. I asked him why, I have a handful of authors that I like. When I read a book, it has to keep my attention if it doesn't I cannot read it, odd but that's how it works with me. He said I liked Dawn French, I said yes as a comedian, I have never read any of her books. Paul, I love his dog TV programme, again not his books. Both are sat on the book shelf, dawns not read, Paul's I tried but about 1 chapter in, that's where it has stayed. After that, I went through a faze of buying what I want for birthday or Christmas, then give it to him to wrap. I have dropped loads of hints, that he never picks up on, or epic fails on, like the valentines day present that was a stepper, so happy valentines day fatty, you need to loose weight.
Make sure you make him you, inflict pain on him during labour.