To be irrationally heartbroken about DHs birthday 'gift'

[WoolyOctopus]

I am 39+2 weeks pregnant. DH and I have had a rough ride recently due to slow baby growth, lots of scans, our stressful jobs, moving house and DD aged 5. We've argued lots and things have been stressful. We are slowly coming out the other side of this and things are getting smoother.
However...
It's my birthday tomorrow. We have friends coming over at 1pm and an engagement party to attend (not ours) tomorrow evening at 7pm. We also have an electrician appointment at 10am. I asked DH if he had anything planned for my birthday (like a nice breakfast or had he bought a cake as DD keeps pestering about it). He said no as we're too busy with other things and 'no time' to do anything nice for my birthday. Fair enough. If that had been me, I would have organised breakfast/ a cake/ lunch with the friends who are coming or SOMETHING to make a little fuss of him but whatever... he clearly doesn't think like that. I can accept that.
But...
Today we went into town as I had booked myself an antenatal massage. I reminded him directly to get me a card and DD said she wanted to get me a gift. her and DH went shopping while I went for my massage. When we get home, he leaves a charity shop plastic bag in the middle of the living room floor. He tells me he found some bargain jeans in a charity shop for himself, I pull them out the bag to have a look and two paperback low-brow granny type Mills and Boon books fall out (two for £2) and a 50p bracelet. He says 'oops' and grabs them back. Tells me they are my birthday presents. Now, I am an English teacher - I collect Booker Prize winner books and both my undergrad and postgrad degrees are in literature. I value good books, I spend my life reading books, talking about books and telling him about the current book I am reading. It is the thing I am most passionate about. I am a book snob - I care about 'good' literature. He knows this. So he decides to buy me two for £2 granny-type 'filler' books from a rack from a charity shop? I have also been asking and asking and asking for a new necklace pendant as my other one snapped two years ago. I still have the chain. I am not a jewellery person but I do like a nice necklace. Two years later and he still hasn't got me one.... fair enough. But to get me a 50p kids bracelet from a charity shop?! When I've never worn a bracelet in the whole time we've been together?
Also: we are relatively comfortable financially too.... so money isn't an issue. Besides, it absolutely is the thought that counts - but where was the thought in this? I have also ALWAYS been a fantastic gift buyer for him - not just materialistically (although I've always done well here) but also thought wise!

So... AIBU to be as hurt as I am? I have genuinely sat and cried about this. We've been having such a hard time, I'm very pregnant and just wanted to feel valued. Even stupid things like he knows I've ran out of bubble bath or I liked a dress in the sale in Sainsburys yesterday that I didn't buy. I've pulled him up on it and have been told I'm materialistic, selfish and 'shouldn't have planned a day full of events if I wanted him to organise something for me' (which he never would have done).

Sorry for length.

@AbreathofFrenchair , did OP actually say she judged other people's choice of reading matter? No.

It does like some are actively looking to take offence tbh.

No she didn't say that. And I never said she did either. What I said was she most likely judges other peoples choices of books, which from her wording, is how she comes across.

So before you try and trip me up and accuse me of saying things I didn't, do what you think I should have done and read my post properly.

Yep, absolutely thoughtless. It doesn't take much to buy your spouse even a little gift of some kind.

Happy birthday for tomorrow

@AbreathofFrenchair , I did read your post properly thanks, and as OP is an English teacher with undergrad & postgrad degrees, and collects Booker prizewinner books, she's entitled to be fussy about which books she'd like to read.

In all fairness, if you dont collect booker prize winners or have a degree or under/post grad qualifications then you are just as entitled to an opinion on what others choose to read.

Still doesn't make you the better person though does it? Those credentials you reeled off that have wowed you doesnt mean the person who has them is superior in any way shape or form. That image is solely conjured up inside their own head.

Congrats to op on her birthday ❤️

Wishing you a Happy Birthday, OP.

@AbreathofFrenchair , the qualifications haven't wowed me. I have similar qualifications myself, although, I don't collect Booker winners.

Happy Birthday OP !

Listen can we stop derailing with the M&B sub discussions. The point is that it is a genre that OPs DH should be aware is not to her taste.

Agree. She said her preferences which her own DH should know by now. Those who keep bringing this up after she explained what she meant and focusing more on that then the actual issue she is having are choosing to be offended.

What I said was she most likely judges other peoples choices of books, which from her wording, is how she comes across.

Or she just said her preferences to show how specific they are and her DH should have known not to choose the books he did.

When your friends come over for lunch and presumably wish you a happy birthday, be very upfront about what effort your H has made for you. Then see how eager he is to make out that you are unreasonable and materialistic.

Effort goes both ways - I suggest you think very carefully about Father's Day and his birthday going forward

OP I have / had this same problem with my DH. He doesn’t care about birthdays (his or anyone else’s, including our DC). Doesn’t care about Christmas (apart from having a nice time, which is not something he took a role in) or Valentine’s Day, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, and so on.

I spoke to him about this a few years ago. I told him I know these things aren’t important to him but they are important to me, and DC, etc. I wasn’t confrontational or blamey, and he conceded that I was right, and that he’d try harder.

He has, but is still fairly shit. But I do get fairly thoughtful birthday presents now, and he does what I tell him to for DC’s birthday and Christmas (even if he doesn’t take on any of the emotional labour).

He was raised by a mother who did everything for everyone. He was modelled that men don’t do anything except go to work.

Anyway, longwinded way of saying, when you’re feeling calmer about it and able to talk without accusing so he doesn’t have to defend, explain that - even if it isn’t important to him - it is important to you. Be careful you don’t get into an attack and defend conversation because those only lead to a fight. Hopefully he’ll step up.

Happy birthday, Op! I hope you have a lovely day in the end.

I don’t know any grannies who read pulp fiction
Most older women are very well read in my experience- but if someone wants to read “ Trashy books” it’s up to them-

At least they are reading!

I found a pile of ancient ( 1960’s) Mills and boon slim paperbacks in an old house we were staying at- Nothing else to read at all, so read them- very formulaic.

Jane Eyre they were not, but similar outcomes- Girl gets her handsome, initially unpleasant brooding man.

Sorry you expect so little of the people around you. Wonder why this has happened to you?

Because her love language is gift giving. I’d feel the same.

Your both busy. Be kind to yourselves and each other. Deep breath and let it go. YABU

@WoolyOctopus Did your DH surprise you with a glorious gift and treat you like a princess?

Your DH is a thoughtless prick.

I would totally associate Mills and Boon with my mums generation and older. And I find it weird people are getting so offended by that! Books and music are similar- not everyone likes every genre.

Op I think you need to sit down with him sometime after your bday has passed and when someone is watching your other child or they're in bed so you're not distracted and just say that you know things had been rocky recently and you have felt they were improving which has been important to you because with a new baby coming you want to be as strong as you can as a couple. However , you were thrown by what felt like a lack of effort to show appreciation for you on your birthday. I would acknowledge that different people have different ways of showing love but that for you thoughtfulness is very important so it was hard for you to move past the lack of card/cake and the present which felt like an afterthought. I would point out that you spend a lot of time thinking about what to get him and your child for their birthdays because you want them to feel loved appreciated and special and you feel its not too much to ask to expect a cake card and a decent present in return for the effort you put in for everyone else. My dh isn't a fab present picker but I can always tell that he's put thought into it eg he might get jewellery I wouldn't pick for myself but it'll be onto the right lines. I do tell him if I've seen something I like and he'll generally try to get that for me.

I agree that you've planned stuff for your birthday so he probably hasn't wanted to plan over that but he could do a nice breakfast in bed and cake with your guests. In future I'd ask him to plan the day for you and then keep the day free. He can plan things- he's choosing to be lazy and thoughtless and I'd be hurt by that too.

She readily admitted she was a book snob. Book snobs usually judge other readers, especially ones who are keen to point out things they believe elevate them above everyone else.

Being the book snob that she is, I'm surprised her husband doesnt already know these very strict views and tastes. Book snobs are like vegans, very keen to tell you..

Sounds like your daughter chose the present and he was clever in not wasting money indulging your daughter’s choices. Be grateful they didn’t spend a lot of money on something you don’t want and treat yourself to something you do.

Very saddened to read your plight. Let's hope other family members spoil you on your birthday. I would be hurt too but try to be positive because of your daughter and unborn baby. Be kind to yourself and know lots of people are wishing you well.

He’s an absolute arsehole. Buying you Mills&Boon when you have a postgraduate literature degree is an insult. He’s made no effort to show he cares. Which suggests he doesn’t. Don’t waste any more time, dump him.