To be irrationally heartbroken about DHs birthday 'gift'

[WoolyOctopus]

I am 39+2 weeks pregnant. DH and I have had a rough ride recently due to slow baby growth, lots of scans, our stressful jobs, moving house and DD aged 5. We've argued lots and things have been stressful. We are slowly coming out the other side of this and things are getting smoother.
However...
It's my birthday tomorrow. We have friends coming over at 1pm and an engagement party to attend (not ours) tomorrow evening at 7pm. We also have an electrician appointment at 10am. I asked DH if he had anything planned for my birthday (like a nice breakfast or had he bought a cake as DD keeps pestering about it). He said no as we're too busy with other things and 'no time' to do anything nice for my birthday. Fair enough. If that had been me, I would have organised breakfast/ a cake/ lunch with the friends who are coming or SOMETHING to make a little fuss of him but whatever... he clearly doesn't think like that. I can accept that.
But...
Today we went into town as I had booked myself an antenatal massage. I reminded him directly to get me a card and DD said she wanted to get me a gift. her and DH went shopping while I went for my massage. When we get home, he leaves a charity shop plastic bag in the middle of the living room floor. He tells me he found some bargain jeans in a charity shop for himself, I pull them out the bag to have a look and two paperback low-brow granny type Mills and Boon books fall out (two for £2) and a 50p bracelet. He says 'oops' and grabs them back. Tells me they are my birthday presents. Now, I am an English teacher - I collect Booker Prize winner books and both my undergrad and postgrad degrees are in literature. I value good books, I spend my life reading books, talking about books and telling him about the current book I am reading. It is the thing I am most passionate about. I am a book snob - I care about 'good' literature. He knows this. So he decides to buy me two for £2 granny-type 'filler' books from a rack from a charity shop? I have also been asking and asking and asking for a new necklace pendant as my other one snapped two years ago. I still have the chain. I am not a jewellery person but I do like a nice necklace. Two years later and he still hasn't got me one.... fair enough. But to get me a 50p kids bracelet from a charity shop?! When I've never worn a bracelet in the whole time we've been together?
Also: we are relatively comfortable financially too.... so money isn't an issue. Besides, it absolutely is the thought that counts - but where was the thought in this? I have also ALWAYS been a fantastic gift buyer for him - not just materialistically (although I've always done well here) but also thought wise!

So... AIBU to be as hurt as I am? I have genuinely sat and cried about this. We've been having such a hard time, I'm very pregnant and just wanted to feel valued. Even stupid things like he knows I've ran out of bubble bath or I liked a dress in the sale in Sainsburys yesterday that I didn't buy. I've pulled him up on it and have been told I'm materialistic, selfish and 'shouldn't have planned a day full of events if I wanted him to organise something for me' (which he never would have done).

Sorry for length.

I can’t believe you’re getting stick about books 🤦🏼‍♀️

I’m sorry OP, this really is piss poor. Like a PP I also don’t buy into this “DH/DP is shit at gift giving” thing - it’s just lazy and selfish. If men truly don’t know what to get their partners and can’t pick up on hints, they can ask family and friends if there is anything they could suggest. It’s not hard if you give a shit about the other person. IMO it’s another form of weaponised incompetence - do something badly so you’re never expected or asked to do it again.

Happy birthday for tomorrow and best wishes for the rest of your pregnancy ❤️

Not sure if you read the whole OP but she clearly said she told him exactly what she wanted, and basically sent him off to get it.

Dd has English literature degrees I buy her a book token because her tastes are not mine and although I would love to buy her a book she would love im afraid I would get it wrong 😅

The attitude on MN tends to be that anyone wanting a fuss or acknowledgement for their birthdays is greedy/grabby/childish.

I can completely see why you’re upset.

I think you should tell him, you do not want him to give you those books or bracelet and to give them back to the charity shop.

give him a list of books he could get you. Tell him you want a pendant for your necklace as you’ve been asking for the last year. Describe in detail the pendant you want.

and tell him you want a cake regardless of his personal opinion about it.

how do you celebrate his birthday? Maybe you should get him charity shop books he wouldn’t read and a child’s toy for his next one.

I would be upset if on asking previously my DH turned up with tat I wouldn’t use for my birthday. It’s thoughtless and hurtful.

Thank you for all your responses. I'm glad to hear a lot of DP/DHs are bad with gifts! In answer to some questions:

• The past few years we have always been away for my birthday. I have booked the whole trip (hotel, restaurant, travel etc) and he has paid for 3/4 of it and got me some flowers so his lack of thought has largely been hidden by this.
• Christmases tend to be poorly planned (last year I got out of date chocolate and some bath bombs after I spent £500 on engraved equipment for his job and special 'daddy' stuff as I was newly-ish pregnant). However, I love Lush bath bombs so tried to take the good out of it.
• On the whole he is a decent H - very loyal, does his share round the house, very affectionate. We have a good time together. However, can also be short tempered and very 'unromantic' in that sense. When challenged, will say it's all on me (as with the gift thing today - I am 'materialistic'... not 'I should put more thought into it').

I have tried doing the hinty thing about what I want but it doesn't seem to work! Also, I guess part of me feels like he should be able to put the thought in himself...

Yeah it's shit. The lack of thought is upsetting. It baffles me when people (not always men) get gifts so wrong when there's so many potential great gifts for the recipient and it's easy to work out. Like, a book voucher probably would've been better right?! 🤦‍♀️

Happy birthday for tomorrow anyway, I hope he feels bad and sorts something better out for you!

So what if OP only likes a certain type of book. We all have preferences. And the whole I have a lit degree thing was obviously to illustrate how wrong DH had got it and how he should have known better. I would insist on the cake, he can take DD to the supermarket and let her choose. Then I’d buy my own present, and make it as indulgent as family finances permit. And going forward he’d get zero acknowledgment of his birthday or father’s day. Unless it’s all a joke? My DH always buys me a piss take book, usually weird celebs autobiographies but mills and boon would fit that criteria too. But then I get real presents too! It’s our running joke.

Awful OP.

I can absolutely understand your upset.

I think unfortunately he isn't a very thoughtful person.

The bracelet is one thing.
The books are a "does he even know me" moment!

It's funny how some people who accept thoughful gifts can be so obtuse in returning the kindness.

Years ago my friend had this with her husband and she just got on with it.

Her 39th went by.

They attended a great 40th of his friends and he said oh I'd love a surprise party yada yada.

He was genuinely surprised when she never made any effort whatsoever for it, just like he has done for the past decade.

She said I didn't think you liked that type of thing.
She told us she had zero interest in all the effort required.

For her 40th she organised a weekend away with 2 close friends and told him close to it that she was heading off for 3 nights.

They seem happy enough in their marriage.

Instead of allowing it to wound her, she simply mirrored his effort and celebrates with others.

Funny how some men can be at their most uncaring during pregnancy.

They often have little idea how it can permanently change how a woman holds them in regard.

I hope you do something for yourself soon.

And they sell “proper books” in charity shops too! Most of my books are second-hand.

Most likely DD chose the books and bracelet for you?

Completely agree

As you've got a five year old, you've obviously been together for a few years now - what's he done/give you for your previous birthdays? Has he previously made an effort to arrange something, or at least got you something you've asked for or that he'd be reasonable in assuming you might like?

I think if he's always like this, and you've previously put up with it, then YANBU for thinking he's a twat but YABU for being surprised or expecting this year to be different. But if, in previous years, he's at least tried to do something/get you something you like, and this year's 'gift' is completely out of character for him, then YANBU in any way.

My partner and I don't do massive expensive gifts for birthdays, but we do put thought into it and if we're really stuck for ideas, we'll ask for suggestions so we can pick something the other one definitely wants. If my partner got me two shit books from a charity shop that he knew full well were nothing like the kind of thing I read, I would think he was trying to deliberately hurt me.

Give him an old cloth for his next birthday. See how he likes it.

Presumably her husband knows what kind of book she likes?

But you never need to do anything for your husband's birthday again OP. So there is that

My DH is a crap birthday organiser, and it doesn't help that my birthday is just a few weeks after his - so we've had a lovely time on his (often away as it's the summer hols), nice presents/cake etc, then mine comes along and it's like no one bothered. DH says I'm so hard to buy for, when really I'm not. I like your typical present, perfume, jewellery, I'm not even that fussy. It makes me feel like really he can't be bothered to put the thought into it.

Luckily he has other redeeming features..

This “men are shit at presents” is absolute bollocks.

I speak from personal experience - after 16 years of having one of these, I told him I wanted to leave (not because of the lack of gifts, but the selfishness and uncaringness was - surprise - not limited to gift buying). After blowing up our lives and him finally realising I was serious, guess what? On my last birthday I got a beautiful piece of jewellery, morning cake and cards from kids, he bought me a thoughtful gift for our wedding anniversary etc.

They do it because they can get away with it. I’d rip him a new one OP and stand your ground. It’s symptomatic of a selfish state of mind and with a new baby on the way I’d get him focused on your needs and wants now, even if they’re not personally important to him. I wish id done it years ago.

Don’t let him get away with it. Say, I would still like a book and a necklace for my birthday and then send him a link.

YANBU he’s been a lazy inconsiderate arse.

i would respond in kind & be equally lazy & inconsiderate on Father’s Day/his birthday

And?

OP I really hope you're back tomorrow to say that he surprised you with something lovely 🤞 but if not you should treat yourself to what you want, this time and every birthday/Christmas/anniversary from now on. His birthday? Well Poundland gift shopping from now on, don't you think?

OP, I don't want this to sound harsh but he isn't your person. He doesn't know you, he has no affinity with you and he seems to not give the tiniest damn about you either. Hell, he doesn't even know you and has no interest in getting to know you. How on earth did you end up married to him?

If you are honest with yourself, this is how he is pretty much all the time and you have been taking up the slack so it's not that evident but his response to you stating what is pretty much what I have put here, is telling in it's own right.

In your shoes I would be rethinking everything - sorry. No way could I go into old age with someone like that.

Some of those "granny" style books are actually pretty good stories.
I read that genre a lot.
What ones are they @WoolyOctopus

Is there any chance that he will actually give you a different present tomorrow?

Maybe wait until tomorrow - he may just surprise you on the day?

And if he doesn't you may have a lovely surprise of a new baby (not sure why you are so busy tomorrow when 39+2 - surely you be resting and he should be pampering you!
LTB

It is truly shit.

I do apologise for finding it fairly amusing though.

Some people are natural, thoughtful gift givers. I'm not. If I try to think - what do they like? My mind goes blank. Oh...! They mentioned a program once... Here's the box set! Turns out they mentioned it negatively.

I bought DDs dad a wok and a chopping board for Christmas years ago 🤣. He wasn't impressed. We've been separated a long time now!