to upset DD by moving 20 miles away

[Scandimandy]

We have just put our house on the market and being in our 50's and 60's my partner and I decided we would like to move to a more rural area and near the sea. We are both self employed so can effectively live anywhere. We have found the ideal village about 20 miles away from our current location but my adult DD who still lives with us (she is 23) is very upset for us contemplating moving this far away from our current house, I think mostly because all her friends are local. DD drives and works full time locally but is going to give up her job in November and go travelling for a year so she'd be looking for a new job when she arrived home anyway. Obviously she doesn't have to live with us, she is a grown up and could make her own way in the world. She doesn't earn loads but she has some inheritance money - she has enough for a deposit but doesn't earn enough to sustain a mortgage. Is she behaving selfishly and spoilt or are we being unreasonable for moving this far away from our current location? In one way I feel she shouldn't be living at home now at her age anyway - she has moved away for uni and then come back - but on the other hand I feel like we are forcing her out if she doesn't want to come with us. Have we raised an entitled brat?

Yes she's being selfish and ridiculous!

I’m guessing the backdrop to this is that you and her aren’t at all close and lots of other issues?

how long have you been with your partner?

Dear god! I think you know the answer op!

I’d wait until she’d gone off travelling myself but then again - I love having my children at home!

I think it's normal for her to feel uneasy and upset with change, but you're absolutely not in the wrong for wanting to move. Particularly as she will be travelling and who knows what decisions she will make after that.

Twenty miles is nothing if she drives.

I think OP that you are in danger of enabling her behaviour. Many of us, now and when younger, had to travel some distance to work and I think it will help broaden her horizons and give you some perspective about how much she is capable of doing. Look to your own future and enjoy it!

Time for her to fly the nest.

She'll get used to it. I have friends who have done exactly what you and your partner are doing to get their children to move out 😂. Move where you like, you have done your job and raised your dd, now it's time to cut the apron strings. She'll grow up lots when she is travelling and good for her to have to find a new place when she comes back. How is she planning to increase her salary in the future?

Sadly you have an entitled brat as you describe. As long as you are willing for her to continue to live with you, and space is not reduced, you are being perfectly reasonable.

She’s an adult now and she has absolutely no say in where you chose to live, or no right to make you feel guilty about that. She has the choice to live there with you (which is very generous of you) or she can rent a room/flat in whichever location she chooses to live in.

I don't think you're remotely unreasonable to want to move and your daughter will be away travelling for a while anyway. She can look for more suitable accommodation when she gets back. So go for it.

But, but, but, there's something about your tone that makes me feel a bit uneasy. Is your partner your daughter's father?

She is allowed to be upset, but please don't let that stop you. If it is the house she grew up in it may be very emotional for her. If it's just because it's a handy location for work/ shops/ nights out, then she is being absolutely ridiculous yes, spoilt and entitled.
You moving might be the push she needs for the next step in her independence.

Yes it’s the tone. Clearly there is more to this

There's a good chance she'll be preparing to travel by the time you move anyway. We put our house on the market last November and still haven't moved.

I had a mortgage at 24 (and I am in my 30s). Regardless of whether this move is your partner's doing, as some of the posts imply, you are the homeowner and free to move house. If she was 15, she'd have no say, so why does she at 23?

20 miles is nothing, but also 23 is fairly young so it's pretty normal for her to be living at home still now property prices are so high. Suggest a house share with friends if she doesn't want to move with you.

@yepgoingforarun we are close and My partner has been with us since DD was 2. We have to move before Jan 2024 due to mortgage deal expiring and think in reality we will be physcially moving whilst she is away. I do love having her at home but I think that sometimes she forgets how lucky she is.

Exactly @mrsbitaly she's already joking that she may never come back.

This is my worry @weathervane1 I don't want to wake up one day and find an adult toddler on my hands because she has made me feel guilty when doing something she doesnt like!

we are close

and yet you genuinely seem to think she’s “an entitled brat”

and as for .* In one way I feel she shouldn't be living at home now at her age anyway *

she went away to university between 18-21, correct.

she graduates In covid. The economy has gone to shit and the likelihood of her getting on the housing market is drastically reduced as to the same situation when we were her age.

She's planning on travelling the world but can't cope with home being 20 miles further away than it used to be when she gets back?

Lazy response

So she has enough money for a deposit but instead of getting a job to get on the housing ladder, she's going travelling for a year? Yeah, she's spoiled.

You should not feel guilty at all, she's going away when you move house!

YANBU - 20 miles?! 😂 That’s about 30 mins drive or thereabouts! My mom moved to Spain and I didn’t get the hump with that.

I personally wouldn't sell our family home if one of my children still lived with us. I'm a way off that, but have always planned to stay put until they are both permanently settled with homes of their own. I don't think my children should consider themselves lucky for that either.

My feelings on that may be somewhat coloured by the fact that my parents downsized when I went to university at 18 though!)

That being said, you are only talking about moving 20 miles, which really isn't that far.