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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to upset DD by moving 20 miles away

136 replies

Scandimandy · 26/05/2023 15:51

We have just put our house on the market and being in our 50's and 60's my partner and I decided we would like to move to a more rural area and near the sea. We are both self employed so can effectively live anywhere. We have found the ideal village about 20 miles away from our current location but my adult DD who still lives with us (she is 23) is very upset for us contemplating moving this far away from our current house, I think mostly because all her friends are local. DD drives and works full time locally but is going to give up her job in November and go travelling for a year so she'd be looking for a new job when she arrived home anyway. Obviously she doesn't have to live with us, she is a grown up and could make her own way in the world. She doesn't earn loads but she has some inheritance money - she has enough for a deposit but doesn't earn enough to sustain a mortgage. Is she behaving selfishly and spoilt or are we being unreasonable for moving this far away from our current location? In one way I feel she shouldn't be living at home now at her age anyway - she has moved away for uni and then come back - but on the other hand I feel like we are forcing her out if she doesn't want to come with us. Have we raised an entitled brat?

OP posts:
Original poster
Scandimandy · 26/05/2023 16:20

@Butchyrestingface @yepgoingforarun there is no back story honestly and if anything I wear the trousers in our house. He is not her Dad, her Dad and I divorced when she was 1 and he died when she was 8. We currently live in a 1930's bungalow with a very large garden and the main reason for moving is to move one step closer to retirement and reduce our mortgage. We have found a particular house type by a housebuilder that is perfect for us, same size living space, much smaller garden and she also likes the house type (she'd have her own ensuite which she is over the moon about) it's purely the location she doesn't like. This particular house is being built in 3 locations. In the nearest location it's too expensive for us, we don't like the next nearest location (too busy) and then this one in the village 20 miles away.

The company that DD works for has other locations, including closeish to where we want to move to but she doesn't really want to work for them when she comes back so its not a commute/work issue. I think it really is about her friends. She is very sociable and goes out 3-4 times a week to see her friends - to their houses, to the gym, out for coffee etc.

OP posts:
JudgeRudy · 26/05/2023 16:21

She's entitled to be a bit peeved. I mean it has messed things up for her but as long as she's not wallowing in it, or worst still accusing you of being selfish then just accept it and continue with your plans.
Things are very different for youngsters now regards home ownership however she has a lot more options than many other people. She's chosing to not work and spend her savings on an adventure. She's degree educated so should be employable when she's ready. She has loving parents who will give her a roof over her head.

It's not a case of who's right or wrong. You're both right.

AlecTrevelyan006 · 26/05/2023 16:21

Six of one, half a dozen of the other.

Changingplace · 26/05/2023 16:22

Bizarre contradiction that she’s happy to go off travelling the world but doesn’t want you to move just down the road, how odd! 20 miles is absolutely nothing at all, go ahead with your plans, she’s not even going to be here…

ASimpleLampoon · 26/05/2023 16:22

You are not unreasonable in wanting to move.

She is perhaps not unreasonable being upset. Is this her childhood home?
Maybe you could have been more upfront from the start of the process?
I don't think labelling her an entitled brat for having big feelings about a big change is helpful.

Have you thought about what you can do to kindly help her process this ?

Fwiw I think once she's travelling shell be fine but be careful as how you treat her now might set the scene for your future relationship.

Serena73 · 26/05/2023 16:23

You must do what you want. 20 miles is hardly any distance anyway. Your daughter should not expect you to stay where you are because of her - she should be thinking of her own life and if she wants to continue to live with you will have to move to the village and drive to work. And if she is going travelling soon then she won't be there anyway!

MuggleMe · 26/05/2023 16:24

Sounds like she needs to buy a house and get lodgers.

Turfwars · 26/05/2023 16:24

She drives and has a car.

20 miles is nothing. I drive 60 miles round trip to work and back every day.

WoolyMammoth55 · 26/05/2023 16:25

Hi OP, one thing that might work is to tell her that when she's back from travelling (and perhaps mortgage rates have come down a bit - let's live in hope!) that you could help her hunt for a place to buy in your current area, with an extra room or 2 to rent out.

I had a couple of friends at Uni who did this, split bills like any flatshare but one flatmate was the landlord and the rental income covered the mortgage plus some extra... Could be a good option for her? Better to get on the property ladder than waste money paying someone else's mortgage!

Hope that it all works out ok. YANBU to live where you want to, but it sounds like your DD still needs your support - maybe this would be a happy medium.

Original poster
Scandimandy · 26/05/2023 16:25

Not the only child, She has a Brother who is a year older who lives with his partner in a rented flat about an hours drive away from us due to his work location. My partner has two older children who live 45 miles away from us with their respective families and that distance will stay the same when we move.

OP posts:
PleaseJustText · 26/05/2023 16:25

Exactly @mrsbitaly she's already joking that she may never come back.

She might think she's joking now but you never know. I went backpacking for a year and it never occurred to me that I'd be gone any longer than that. I finally came back to the UK 7 years later. Luckily my parents weren't waiting for me. They'd already had the chance to move overseas and took it while I was gone.

yepgoingforarun · 26/05/2023 16:26

SpookySpoon22 · 26/05/2023 16:12

Lazy response

Show quote history

Yours is the lazy one

because if she was an only child, then might partly explain her feelings more so than if had siblings. Her mother. Her only immediate family. Moving from the family home.

not an excuse but maybe a reason.

and another reason Why relevant to ask is because my follow up would be”and how are your other children taking it”

so you can get off your high horse! 😂

pigsDOfly · 26/05/2023 16:27

She's 23, it's 20 miles, she's being ridiculous.

So what is she going to do while she's travelling? I'm assuming she's going to be more than 20 miles away from you during that year.

Meanwhile, you've got to say put so that when she decides to come back from her travels you will still be where she wants you to be so you can provide a home for her.

Yes, she's spoiled.

yepgoingforarun · 26/05/2023 16:29

The reason I wondered if a backstory is because I honestly can’t imagine talking about my daughter as you did in your op… wondering if she’s selfish, entitled, spoilt, a brat…. Unless there was a backstory

nosunshinewhenshesgone · 26/05/2023 16:31

I know some people whose parents moved whilst they were at university, and whilst they were adults, that was really unsettling for them because they lost a permanent base and, in some cases, their childhood home.

Most people don't like change, even when it's reasonable and expected. I'd allow her to have feelings about the move and to express those feelings, but not to guilt you into changing your plans.

I assume she's still welcome to visit (or perhaps even live with you), and her friends are also willing to put her up - so she can go off travelling the world, having grand adventures and then find herself a permanent base wherever she likes when she's back. She's not being made homeless or friendless; she's just having to think a bit more about her plans.

Your moving has probably forced her to think about growing up, and let's face it, who wants to be an adult?

Original poster
Scandimandy · 26/05/2023 16:33

@yepgoingforarun It may sound a bit odd but I think my way of seeing things sometimes isn't the same as others would be so I just wanted to ensure I'm not being unreasonable. I wasn't suggesting she was an entitled brat I was asking if I was turning her into one :)

OP posts:
SchoolShenanigans · 26/05/2023 16:33

Neither of you are unreasonable.

YANBU to want to move away and do so, it's completely your choice. She also isnt unreasonable to want you to stay, wouldn't everyone want their parents to stay if they lived with them? Surely her feelings are very normal.

Sounds like she's going to have to just accept it. Chances are it will tie in nicely for when she travels.

ManateeFair · 26/05/2023 16:34

I can't believe you're even having to ask this question. Your DD is being spoilt, infantile and downright weird about this. She's a grown woman and you're only moving 20 miles. She should, frankly, be embarrassed at her own immaturity.

MammaTo · 26/05/2023 16:34

If she is a good daughter I think you should of had the discussion with her on what her thoughts are.
It’s really hard to live on a single income these days, it’s all well and good having money for a deposit - but the rest is out of her hands a little.

ManateeFair · 26/05/2023 16:36

Surely her feelings are very normal.

It's normal that she might feel a bit stressed by the inconvenience/change, yes. What's not normal is kicking up a fuss about it and/or complaining that it's unfair, because she is 23 and not 12.

yepgoingforarun · 26/05/2023 16:36

Scandimandy · 26/05/2023 16:33

@yepgoingforarun It may sound a bit odd but I think my way of seeing things sometimes isn't the same as others would be so I just wanted to ensure I'm not being unreasonable. I wasn't suggesting she was an entitled brat I was asking if I was turning her into one :)

shes your daughter. Of 23 years.
you live with her
and you say you are close to her

So you were going to take the word of anonymous posters as to whether she was spoilt and entitled over one incident?

oakleaffy · 26/05/2023 16:37

YourWinter · 26/05/2023 15:56

Twenty miles is nothing if she drives.

This! It’s hardly Emigration.
20 miles isn’t far if you drive.

TrashyPanda · 26/05/2023 16:38

Grumpy67i8 · 26/05/2023 16:19

So she has enough money for a deposit but instead of getting a job to get on the housing ladder, she's going travelling for a year? Yeah, she's spoiled.

You should not feel guilty at all, she's going away when you move house!

Totally

do not let her dictate your life.

loislovesstewie · 26/05/2023 16:41

It's 20 miles away for goodness sake! She is confident enough to travel around the world, so 20 miles is nothing. She might do what a friend did:get to Australia and decide to stay! Look, I suspect that whenever, wherever you moved she would complain. You are of an age where having, in all likelihood, had to make certain sacrifices for your kids, now want a bit of 'me time'. And that's fine. Just get on with what you want and wave her off on her adventure when the time comes.

willWillSmithsmith · 26/05/2023 16:41

yepgoingforarun · 26/05/2023 15:54

I’d wait until she’d gone off travelling myself but then again - I love having my children at home!

Twenty miles is nothing. It’s even less of a nothing as she drives. I also love having my children home but that wouldn’t stop me moving twenty miles.

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