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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to upset DD by moving 20 miles away

136 replies

Scandimandy · 26/05/2023 15:51

We have just put our house on the market and being in our 50's and 60's my partner and I decided we would like to move to a more rural area and near the sea. We are both self employed so can effectively live anywhere. We have found the ideal village about 20 miles away from our current location but my adult DD who still lives with us (she is 23) is very upset for us contemplating moving this far away from our current house, I think mostly because all her friends are local. DD drives and works full time locally but is going to give up her job in November and go travelling for a year so she'd be looking for a new job when she arrived home anyway. Obviously she doesn't have to live with us, she is a grown up and could make her own way in the world. She doesn't earn loads but she has some inheritance money - she has enough for a deposit but doesn't earn enough to sustain a mortgage. Is she behaving selfishly and spoilt or are we being unreasonable for moving this far away from our current location? In one way I feel she shouldn't be living at home now at her age anyway - she has moved away for uni and then come back - but on the other hand I feel like we are forcing her out if she doesn't want to come with us. Have we raised an entitled brat?

OP posts:
EwwSprouts · 26/05/2023 17:21

If you've lived there a long time it will seem like a bit change to her but that's life. You're still offering her a home. I read recently 25% of 28 year olds are still living with their parents. Doesn't mean life has to revolve around them.

DanceMumTaxi · 26/05/2023 17:22

She’s being massively selfish. My parents moved 200 miles away when I was at uni. 20 miles is nothing.

DrDavidStarKey · 26/05/2023 17:22

Move. Do your own thing. My brother and his wife allowed their adult daughter to stay at home and she is still there. She's never even washed a cup. Their life is a nightmare.

midsomermurderess · 26/05/2023 17:24

Your daughter is going to give up her job in November to travel; it’ll take you about that, if not longer, to find a new house. It’ll barely affect her. Is she intending to live with you when she gets back?

midsomermurderess · 26/05/2023 17:25

yepgoingforarun · 26/05/2023 15:53

I’m guessing the backdrop to this is that you and her aren’t at all close and lots of other issues?

how long have you been with your partner?

‘I’m reaching’ seems more on point.

AuntieMarys · 26/05/2023 17:25

She is being ridiculous.

Yoyooo · 26/05/2023 17:27

How long have you and your partner been together?

midsomermurderess · 26/05/2023 17:29

Yoyooo · 26/05/2023 17:27

How long have you and your partner been together?

Read her posts, she’s said. Click on ‘see all’, that’ll bring you up to speed.

Bluebellbike · 26/05/2023 17:32

My parents sold up and moved almost 25 miles away to a rural location when I was 20. My father and I were still working back in the city we moved from, so he drove us there and back Monday to Friday every week. I spent some week nights and most weekends staying with friends and relatives so I could have a social life. I felt like a bag lady.

After being snowed in a couple of times and unable to get to work or home from work I bought a house near work at the age of 21. Best thing I ever did and set me up for decent housing for the rest of my life. Mortgage interest rates were 15% but house prices were low.

Allrightmylover · 26/05/2023 17:34

Well we are getting close to both of us being retired. I really want to return home but it’s almost 250 miles from where we settled almost 30 years ago and also a boat ride away as it’s the Isle of Wight. I visited a couple of weeks ago and as usual cried on the boat as I hate leaving my sisters, cousins, nieces, great nieces, nephews and school friends. That is an issue, 20 miles is bugger all distance and she is being ridiculous.

inadarkdarkhouseinadarkdarkstreet · 26/05/2023 17:40

As another PP mentioned covid happened. Huge deal particularly for younger ones. She is only 23, but I appreciate you want to move on. I find it odd you describe her as an entitled brat when she drives herself and works full time. Does she not do her bit in the house? She clearly considers it her home and is happy there. Twenty plus years ago you could rent a room in a shared house for virtually nothing outside the south east. I had friends who bought so-so two bed houses in the Midlands for approx £30k. Sadly it's harder to do now, but If she were my daughter, I would be persuading her to get on the housing ladder herself NOW, not travel - leave that for a few more years till she has a property - she could rent it out whilst travelling - and stay working here for now. If she has inheritance she should be using that to get on the property ladder, a shared ownership maisonette with a lodger if that's what she can afford, and not fritter the money away. Having a home is obviously important to her if she is concerned about you moving. I am quite opinionated on this as I have friends in their forties who could have bought property years ago but didn't. They will sadly be paying landlords for the rest of their lives with no asset at the end!

OriginalUsername2 · 26/05/2023 17:48

What’s the difference between “spoiled” and “supportive”?

Women who bristle at the thought of young women getting any extra kindness from their mothers make me feel uneasy.

It’s not easy to set yourself up right now. For example I left home at 16 and got a cheap room from a random man in the paper that I could afford working part time. Now you need a huge deposit, guarantor, history of reliable wage, a certain income, credit check, and you’re competing with 50-100 other applicatamts.

OP would be reasonable to move but equally reasonable to support DD through her transition to adulthood and make it easier for her if that’s what she wanted to do.

I imagine planning on traveling the world knowing you have your familiar home base and friends to come home to feel’s different to not knowing that.

inadarkdarkhouseinadarkdarkstreet · 26/05/2023 17:55

Sorry, missed your part about an ensuite! If you are happy to continue arrangement but in a new home you are being perfectly fair. Is it the shock at the change? Maybe she saw you living there for ever and it's shaken her a bit? Might just need time to adjust.

MarkWithaC · 26/05/2023 17:58

I thought you were going to say your DD was about 6 and was upset at leaving her school friends!
She's being ridiculous. At 23 she could easily be living independently. Why can't she get a place in your current location if she wants to stay close to her friends?

SleepingStandingUp · 26/05/2023 17:59

She's just having a wobble about being the sort of grown up that doesn't have a childhood home to return to. It might not be the most mature response, but given her brain isn't either, I'd let her off.

Remind her you love her. But she's going off and living her best life travelling and you have to do the same, in your own way.

toomuchlaundry · 26/05/2023 17:59

@curtainsfringe 20 miles is close!

MikeWozniaksMohawk · 26/05/2023 18:03

20 miles?! That’s hardly any distance! I live 120 miles from my parents’ house and have done since your DD’s age. My brother lives 75 miles from their house in a completely different direction. She needs some perspective. I suspect when she returns from travelling she will have some.

kingtamponthefurred · 26/05/2023 18:09

I'd be disappointed if a child of mine who was employed, solvent and mobile hadn't already made plans to move on.

Seymour5 · 26/05/2023 18:10

slowrunner07 · 26/05/2023 16:04

20 miles is nothing, but also 23 is fairly young so it's pretty normal for her to be living at home still now property prices are so high. Suggest a house share with friends if she doesn't want to move with you.

Isn’t house sharing in their 20s the norm any more? Its what my DC did more than 20 years ago. After starting their careers, and finally earning reasonable money, they wanted to enjoy themselves for a bit before settling into home ownership. Most of their single friends did the same.

Dutchess46 · 26/05/2023 18:11

20 miles is managable

Frenchtoadt · 26/05/2023 18:14

She isn’t an entitled prat OP .. 23 is very young still and it’s a lot harder for them to make their way than it was for our generation .. my first house was under £40k .. make your own plans but it’s ok for her to feel how she does ..it’s great that she’s going travelling

HerMammy · 26/05/2023 18:15

It's 20 miles not 200! The fact she can drive makes her reaction more silly.

Sceptre86 · 26/05/2023 18:18

Is it her childhood home? If so then I think a little bit of understanding goes a long way but ultimately you have to be clear that she is an adult now and you will do what you want. Maybe she just wants to know she will still have a home with you if she wants it? I'd speak to her, let her know that once she comes back from travelling she can bunk at your new home for a while (if you are OK with that) but at some point she will have to strike out on her own.

I'll feel sad when my parents sell our family home but I haven't lived there for many years and know I don't get to sulk over it. She's young and sounds like she has been babies a bit. Be understanding but firm and don't entertain any sulking.

GrannyRose15 · 26/05/2023 18:18

This is a difficult one and one I have had to think about several times in my life. I have made it clear to my three children that there will always be a home for them with me if they need it while at the same time hoping that they will become independent. I do not think either you or your daughter are being selfish but I do think that maybe you should have a heart to heart with her and try to find out what is really worrying her. Is she reluctant to leave her family home? is she worried about being on her own? is she simply scared of the unknown? Don't give up your dream of moving to your desired house but let her know that it is not because you want to abandon her. 23 is still very young in today's world.

innerspace · 26/05/2023 18:19

PleaseJustText · 26/05/2023 16:25

Exactly @mrsbitaly she's already joking that she may never come back.

She might think she's joking now but you never know. I went backpacking for a year and it never occurred to me that I'd be gone any longer than that. I finally came back to the UK 7 years later. Luckily my parents weren't waiting for me. They'd already had the chance to move overseas and took it while I was gone.

Same here. Stayed for 6 years before coming back, and even then I wasn’t sure of moving back.