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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to upset DD by moving 20 miles away

136 replies

Scandimandy · 26/05/2023 15:51

We have just put our house on the market and being in our 50's and 60's my partner and I decided we would like to move to a more rural area and near the sea. We are both self employed so can effectively live anywhere. We have found the ideal village about 20 miles away from our current location but my adult DD who still lives with us (she is 23) is very upset for us contemplating moving this far away from our current house, I think mostly because all her friends are local. DD drives and works full time locally but is going to give up her job in November and go travelling for a year so she'd be looking for a new job when she arrived home anyway. Obviously she doesn't have to live with us, she is a grown up and could make her own way in the world. She doesn't earn loads but she has some inheritance money - she has enough for a deposit but doesn't earn enough to sustain a mortgage. Is she behaving selfishly and spoilt or are we being unreasonable for moving this far away from our current location? In one way I feel she shouldn't be living at home now at her age anyway - she has moved away for uni and then come back - but on the other hand I feel like we are forcing her out if she doesn't want to come with us. Have we raised an entitled brat?

OP posts:
YukoandHiro · 26/05/2023 16:42

YANBU. She's being ridiculous. My parents moved abroad when I was a 20 at uni.
It was an adjustment but basically fine - I loved my "holidays" at their house.
She's 23 and lives very nearby. If she wants to move nearer you later on, that's her choice too.

Pot8ohs · 26/05/2023 16:43

Sounds like she has regressed to being a self absorbed 15 year old!

20 miles is nothing. She ought to have anticipated this really. It’s what lots of people choose to do, or have to do.

It’s a slight inconvenience for her but she ought to have the grace to realise she has been lucky until now. Complaining just makes her sound spoilt and immature. Cringe!

yepgoingforarun · 26/05/2023 16:44

willWillSmithsmith · 26/05/2023 16:41

Twenty miles is nothing. It’s even less of a nothing as she drives. I also love having my children home but that wouldn’t stop me moving twenty miles.

Show quote history

I was meaning from the convenience point of view.

AgnesX · 26/05/2023 16:45

Children expect their parents and everything associated with them to stay the same so it generally comes as a bit of a surprise when something like this happens.

She sounds a bit immature and you perhaps need to gently explain that you do have lives away from her, that life moves on and 20 miles isn't that far really.

MooMooSharoo · 26/05/2023 16:45

20 miles is nothing. I live 20 miles away from work. That said, 20 miles in the centre of London, or 20 miles in the wilds of Norfolk feels a lot further than 20 miles along a motorway.

I am, however, in my 40s and have matured. Your DD sounds immature and self-centered as many late teens/early 20s are, when they believe the whole world needs to revolve around them.

Move, let her go off travelling and if/when she wants to move back home, set her a timescale for getting a job and then take a reasonable amount of housekeeping from her, even if you ultimately bank it to give back to her when she moves out properly.

2bazookas · 26/05/2023 16:47

Astonishing that she wants to make her own life but resents her parents doing exactly the same. It's high time she was weaned and potty trained.

LakieLady · 26/05/2023 16:47

Twenty miles is no distance. Plenty of people do a daily commute of more than that.

ditalini · 26/05/2023 16:48

I'd be a bit disappointed by my child if they sounded off like this about a move that they knew was on the cards when they're - quite rightly - making their own plans and moving on with their life themselves.

Having a good moan to her friends would be reasonable, but to you she should be putting on a brave face and helping you plan for the move and the next step in your life. Just like you would put on a brave face and wish her the best if she was moving away.

Op, it's not reasonable for you to put your life on hold indefinitely for your adult child when the inconvenience to them is really very minimal. You're not chucking her out or depriving her of a home.

Part of growing up is recognising that your parents live a life that's separate from you. It doesn't mean they don't love you or want the best for you, but that quite naturally your wants and needs will diverge. Loving and providing for your child wholeheartedly doesn't need to mean preserving their childhood room at all costs in case they ever want to move back again.

Original poster
Scandimandy · 26/05/2023 16:55

Very eloquently put @ditalini, thanks. Will have another chat with her this evening x

OP posts:
piedbeauty · 26/05/2023 16:56

You're moving 20 miles, not 2000. You're not being u.

gamerchick · 26/05/2023 16:58

Tell her she'll always have a bed if you and she wants but that it's time you move on to the next stage of your lives. Let her tantrum and carry on with your plans.

Shadowworry · 26/05/2023 17:00

Scandimandy · 26/05/2023 16:20

@Butchyrestingface @yepgoingforarun there is no back story honestly and if anything I wear the trousers in our house. He is not her Dad, her Dad and I divorced when she was 1 and he died when she was 8. We currently live in a 1930's bungalow with a very large garden and the main reason for moving is to move one step closer to retirement and reduce our mortgage. We have found a particular house type by a housebuilder that is perfect for us, same size living space, much smaller garden and she also likes the house type (she'd have her own ensuite which she is over the moon about) it's purely the location she doesn't like. This particular house is being built in 3 locations. In the nearest location it's too expensive for us, we don't like the next nearest location (too busy) and then this one in the village 20 miles away.

The company that DD works for has other locations, including closeish to where we want to move to but she doesn't really want to work for them when she comes back so its not a commute/work issue. I think it really is about her friends. She is very sociable and goes out 3-4 times a week to see her friends - to their houses, to the gym, out for coffee etc.

Why doesn’t she put her deposit in and you buy the closer one? I feel sorry for her - Covid was shit and she doesn’t have a chance of a mortgage

  • why don’t you buy it as a three way split? Might save a fortune in inheritance tax
Bonbon21 · 26/05/2023 17:02

Going forward you need to be in the type of accommodation that will suit you as you get older. You are being organised and pragmatic... unless she is volunteering to stay at home and become your carer??😉

OrwellianTimes · 26/05/2023 17:02

calling her a brat is pretty harsh.

Of course you should do with your life what you want. Your adult daughter can decide to rent somewhere, stay with friends, buy, or drive. It might be a bit unsettling for her, but that’s life. She needs to fly the nest.

Original poster
Scandimandy · 26/05/2023 17:05

@Shadowworry funnily enough we have suggested this but she would prefer not to live with us if possible which is fair enough.

OP posts:
DemonicCaveMaggot · 26/05/2023 17:07

She is going travelling for a year and when she comes back she may decide she wants to move to a different part of the country or she may have to depending on work.

YANBU to want to prepare for retirement. Don't buy a house together with her, what will happen if she comes back and wants to live somewhere else or down the road wants to buy with a partner or husband? You will have to buy her out and if you are retired, you might not be able to get a loan or mortgage to do that.

CeliaNorth · 26/05/2023 17:07

I think it really is about her friends. She is very sociable and goes out 3-4 times a week to see her friends - to their houses, to the gym, out for coffee etc.

Her friends will move on with their lives while she's away. She might come back to find they're no longer living that kind of lifestyle, or that she herself no longer wants to.

OP can't put her life on hold because her daughter expects to be able to go away and then come back and pick up her life exactly where she left it.

Hbh17 · 26/05/2023 17:08

Er, I would say 20 miles is local! She needs to think about moving out ASAP.

Blossomtoes · 26/05/2023 17:09

yepgoingforarun · 26/05/2023 16:08

we are close

and yet you genuinely seem to think she’s “an entitled brat”

and as for .* In one way I feel she shouldn't be living at home now at her age anyway *

she went away to university between 18-21, correct.

she graduates In covid. The economy has gone to shit and the likelihood of her getting on the housing market is drastically reduced as to the same situation when we were her age.

You can be close to someone and still not approve of their behaviour, the two can coexist.

loislovesstewie · 26/05/2023 17:12

Please don't buy with her! At some point she will want the money back and then you'll have another, bigger problem.

yepgoingforarun · 26/05/2023 17:12

Blossomtoes · 26/05/2023 17:09

You can be close to someone and still not approve of their behaviour, the two can coexist.

Show quote history

Absolutely

but asking if your daughter is “entitled” “spoilt” “selfish” and a “brat” is a touch different to asking if someone is unreasonable

curtainsfringe · 26/05/2023 17:14

Personally I think it's good to have family close but it depends on the relationship.

Hairpinleg · 26/05/2023 17:15

I think it's perfectly natural for people to have a bit of a moan if there's a lifestyle change that doesn't suit them. Your daughter is allowed to frown at the new location and you're allowed to say 'that's a pity' but you're moving anyway. You mentioned her having her own ensuite at the new place so she'll know it's still her home and you're happy to have her there for the next few years. Stress that she has 'her room' but she'll also have the excitement of looking to buy a place with her deposit if she really wants to (and her salary works for the mortgage).

Hairyfairy01 · 26/05/2023 17:18

20 miles is local! Your dd is being ridiculous. Buy whatever house you want OP and encourage your dd to be more independent (hopefully the travelling will help).

TeaParty4Me · 26/05/2023 17:19

Has she always lived in the same area?

It could be that she’s just worried about the change, rather than being an entitled brat.

Either way it doesn’t matter as it’s not up to her and if she wants to stay in the area then she’ll have to move out.

You may have to be a bit more blunt with her and tell her it’s happening and it’s up to her whether she comes with you or gets her own place.

The fact that she’s travelling for a year anyway makes it even more odd.

FWIW I don’t think 23 is too old to be living at home but she does need to pay her way and treat you with respect.