Page 5 | to upset DD by moving 20 miles away

Scandimandy · 2023-05-26T14:51:20+00:00

We have just put our house on the market and being in our 50's and 60's my partner and I decided we would like to move to a more rural area and near the sea. We are both self employed so can effectively live anywhere. We have found the ideal village about 20 miles away from our current location but my adult DD who still lives with us (she is 23) is very upset for us contemplating moving this far away from our current house, I think mostly because all her friends are local. DD drives and works full time locally but is going to give up her job in November and go travelling for a year so she'd be looking for a new job when she arrived home anyway. Obviously she doesn't have to live with us, she is a grown up and could make her own way in the world. She doesn't earn loads but she has some inheritance money - she has enough for a deposit but doesn't earn enough to sustain a mortgage. Is she behaving selfishly and spoilt or are we being unreasonable for moving this far away from our current location? In one way I feel she shouldn't be living at home now at her age anyway - she has moved away for uni and then come back - but on the other hand I feel like we are forcing her out if she doesn't want to come with us. Have we raised an entitled brat?

GrannyRose15 · 26/05/2023 18:21

kingtamponthefurred · 26/05/2023 18:09

I'd be disappointed if a child of mine who was employed, solvent and mobile hadn't already made plans to move on.

I wonder how old your children are. I think you may have to get used to being disappointed.

whiteroseredrose · 26/05/2023 18:28

Allthegoodusernamesareused · 26/05/2023 16:20

I personally wouldn't sell our family home if one of my children still lived with us. I'm a way off that, but have always planned to stay put until they are both permanently settled with homes of their own. I don't think my children should consider themselves lucky for that either.

My feelings on that may be somewhat coloured by the fact that my parents downsized when I went to university at 18 though!)

That being said, you are only talking about moving 20 miles, which really isn't that far.

Me neither.

And I'm also that DC. My parents moved when I went to University, also about 20 miles away, so two buses. I lost touch with my school friends because I never bumped into them. DH is still in touch with his (we have sold his family home at the age of 55!)

MayThe4th · 26/05/2023 18:30

Honestly the way that adults are infantilised on here is ridiculous. She’s 23. She’s not a baby, and her mum hasn’t told her to move out, she’s suggested that they want to move, and given’t she’s going travelling anyway it’s not going to affect her.

And she’s got a car, and it’s twenty miles fgs. At 23 I moved out and did a three hour round commute every day until I got a job closer to home and then I got a mortgage.

We need to stop with the “but then covid” attitude. If we’re not careful we’re going to end up with a generation of adults who are expected to be pandered to like children.

If she wants to be close to the friends who she’ll only be seeing for another five months and who will probably have moved on before she gets back then she can drive to see them.

TinyRebel · 26/05/2023 18:33

I was 19 and my younger sibling was away at university when my parents decided that they would up sticks and move 2 hours away to the house they’d bought years ago and rented out.

I’d been in a flat share but had to leave as the LL was developing it, so had moved back ‘home’.
Parents spotted that some HA properties were being built in a local hamlet, and so dealt with the inconvenience of having me around (albeit temporarily) by writing to the council and informing me they were making me homeless.

It worked! I had my own rented flat in the middle of nowhere to carpet and furnish by myself, then worked F/T plus five evenings a week to just about afford it.

My sibling, who had serious mental health issues in sixth form, suddenly found they had no ‘home’ to go to where he could catch up with friends in the holidays.

By the time I was your daughter’s age though, I’d moved abroad. 20 miles away would have been nothing - my friends regularly used to drive far more than that for a night out!

Go for it OP. Just don’t chuck out all your daughter’s stuff during the move if she inadvertently leaves it behind (I’m sure you won’t).

SpookySpoon22 · 26/05/2023 18:45

yepgoingforarun · 26/05/2023 16:26

Yours is the lazy one

because if she was an only child, then might partly explain her feelings more so than if had siblings. Her mother. Her only immediate family. Moving from the family home.

not an excuse but maybe a reason.

and another reason Why relevant to ask is because my follow up would be”and how are your other children taking it”

so you can get off your high horse! 😂

Show quote history

Fair enough 🤣 I just hate when people jump to the conclusion that “an entitled brat” is likely to be an only child. Now you've explained, I appreciate you weren't meaning it that way and I'll happily get off my high horse now and sit in a comfy chair.

InanimateObjects · 26/05/2023 19:30

yepgoingforarun · 26/05/2023 16:29

The reason I wondered if a backstory is because I honestly can’t imagine talking about my daughter as you did in your op… wondering if she’s selfish, entitled, spoilt, a brat…. Unless there was a backstory

This. It's disturbing that someone could speak about their child like this, whom they presumably adore. It isn't how parents normally refer to their child. Unless you have a very dysfunctional relationship. Or - as it sounded to me having seen this before - you are repeating phrases/ terms your partner uses about your DD and they are influencing your relationship with her and how you view her. Do they talk to you a lot about her without her present, say horrible things like this about her? Go on about how she should "grow up" and "move out", when something like two thirds of kids her age still live with parents?

InanimateObjects · 26/05/2023 19:34

Bluebellbike · 26/05/2023 17:32

My parents sold up and moved almost 25 miles away to a rural location when I was 20. My father and I were still working back in the city we moved from, so he drove us there and back Monday to Friday every week. I spent some week nights and most weekends staying with friends and relatives so I could have a social life. I felt like a bag lady.

After being snowed in a couple of times and unable to get to work or home from work I bought a house near work at the age of 21. Best thing I ever did and set me up for decent housing for the rest of my life. Mortgage interest rates were 15% but house prices were low.

Oh dear. Is this a story from the 80s trying to compare it to the 2020s? 🙄

UCknowitall · 26/05/2023 19:41

OP - you obviously don't know the RULES !!!

Any man you live with who isn't the biological father to your children is at best a malign influence and at worst evil personified . It is OBVIOUSLY he who wants this move . You should definitely LTB for even suggestion it !

Children are children for ever. They should always have every wish and desire catered for until they say otherwise. If they don't like it then tough - doesn't matter if they are 23 or 43 ITS THEIR CHILDHOOD HOME FGS stop being so selfish. You had kids . You must martyr yourself until you die.

How can you possibly wonder if you are enabling your child to be a selfish brat. !!! Such introspection and self examination must be expunged from your mind. You child is fabulous in every way , every day and for always (even when displaying selfish behaviour because it's cos she's 'ankshush' about her childhood home (despite having been an adult for 5 years) innit. ?

You need to give your head a bloody good wobble whilst getting your ducks in a row !

InanimateObjects · 26/05/2023 20:15

If that was aimed at me @UCknowitall then:

a) nobody said he is a malign influence. But many are, as they have no love for the child in many cases. And I've only ever heard a parent speak about their child in these terms when an unrelated partner has influenced them.

b) children ARE forever. Parents usually consider the impact of things we do or say on our children always and show them love and support, yes: even as adults. This is not being a martyr.

c) you can wonder whether you are "enabling your child" without referring to them as a "brat". That's horrendous. The child does not have to be "fabulous in every way" for the parent to consider how they feel and try to talk about them in a respectful manner and show enough empathy to try to understand how they might feel, and speak to them about it.

Some very strange attitudes to family on this thread. I didn't say the daughter was "correct" btw, I was just very peturbed by the way the OP spoke about her which made me wonder why that is.

UCknowitall · 26/05/2023 20:28

InanimateObjects · 26/05/2023 20:15

If that was aimed at me @UCknowitall then:

a) nobody said he is a malign influence. But many are, as they have no love for the child in many cases. And I've only ever heard a parent speak about their child in these terms when an unrelated partner has influenced them.

b) children ARE forever. Parents usually consider the impact of things we do or say on our children always and show them love and support, yes: even as adults. This is not being a martyr.

c) you can wonder whether you are "enabling your child" without referring to them as a "brat". That's horrendous. The child does not have to be "fabulous in every way" for the parent to consider how they feel and try to talk about them in a respectful manner and show enough empathy to try to understand how they might feel, and speak to them about it.

Some very strange attitudes to family on this thread. I didn't say the daughter was "correct" btw, I was just very peturbed by the way the OP spoke about her which made me wonder why that is.

Stop being so ridiculous !! This 'child' is a bloody ADULT.. who feels she can call the shots - despite being quite happy to plan and live her own life . Yet still wants to dictate her mother and stepfathers ..

I moved 20 miles away when my last was 17. I made sure she passed her driving test . She is at Uni now but guess what ? She drives for half an hour and visits her old school friends.

Everyone lives .

InanimateObjects · 26/05/2023 20:37

What? I referred to her a "the OP's child". I did not say she was "a child". Your child remaims your child even when they are an adult. That is the name of the familial relationship.

I lived alone from 16 onwards and supported myself. What relevance has any of that? I even reiterated because you didn't seem to notice in my first post that I'm not saying the daughter is right. You seem to be having an emotional reaction to this because you moved away when your daughter was a teen. Did that happen to be a move with an unrelated partner by any chance? 😆

My point was not about whether the OP should move, rather how she is handling the situation and how she relates to her daughter, which given the way she speaks about her seems at best emotionally detached and at worst rather callous. This is not a normal way to speak about your child, to use the word "brat" etc. Hence the suspicion that a partner may be influencing how she views her daughter because generally parents do not speak about their children in such terms.

WiddlinDiddlin · 26/05/2023 20:53

She can 'not like it' if she wants - I mean I don't 'like' that we don't still own the house I grew up in. I don't like that I will never inherit to live in the house my father built and lives in now (because its too big, not accessible for me and would be half mine and half my sisters and neither of us can live in it if we did inherit it which of course, we may not.)...

Thats not a reason that should stop you doing as you want with your lives - I think you're being more than generous in factoring in a room with an ensuite for her, when she won't be living with you for a year at least and maybe longer.

Lots of people have to live with their parents and it is what it is, but shes saved to go travelling, shes comfortable enough to quit work and do that, she has a safety net of a room in your home if she needs it... I really don't see that she has any right to do anything more than quietly 'not like it', and let you get on with your lives!

UCknowitall · 26/05/2023 21:08

InanimateObjects · 26/05/2023 20:37

What? I referred to her a "the OP's child". I did not say she was "a child". Your child remaims your child even when they are an adult. That is the name of the familial relationship.

I lived alone from 16 onwards and supported myself. What relevance has any of that? I even reiterated because you didn't seem to notice in my first post that I'm not saying the daughter is right. You seem to be having an emotional reaction to this because you moved away when your daughter was a teen. Did that happen to be a move with an unrelated partner by any chance? 😆

My point was not about whether the OP should move, rather how she is handling the situation and how she relates to her daughter, which given the way she speaks about her seems at best emotionally detached and at worst rather callous. This is not a normal way to speak about your child, to use the word "brat" etc. Hence the suspicion that a partner may be influencing how she views her daughter because generally parents do not speak about their children in such terms.

No sorry luv.. sorry to disappoint. I l moved with the kids dad ..

GrannyRose15 · 27/05/2023 01:00

There seem to be some very emotional reactions to this post which probably say more about the posters than about the OP and her daughter.

Aslanplustwo · 27/05/2023 01:52

Or family home was sold when I was around 24, and I've never had one since (parents divorced). Somehow I coped, as will she, and tbh she is a little too old to be acting like a spoilt brat.

Aslanplustwo · 27/05/2023 01:53

This is not a normal way to speak about your child, to use the word "brat" etc

Wow, you have lived a sheltered life! If a child is a brat there is nothing wrong with saying so.

Aslanplustwo · 27/05/2023 01:56

because if she was an only child, then might partly explain her feelings more so than if had siblings. Her mother. Her only immediate family. Moving from the family home.

not an excuse but maybe a reason.

Here we go.with the "only child" rubbish again. I am an only child, my parents divorced and sold the family home, I didn't carry on like that. I was sad as I loved the house (not our original family home) but was old enough to realise that it was actually my parents' house, not mine.

celticprincess · 27/05/2023 09:25

I don’t think either are being unreasonable. She’s entitled to be upset. 20 miles where we live can take anything from half an hour to an hour. I went to uni when I was 18 and that was me moved out. What swayed it was my parents moving house, not far, and when I came home for the fort holiday I felt like a guest and that it wasn’t my home. My younger sibling lived there too and stayed living at home for uni and beyond. I went to uni a few hours away and did stay there after graduation as I had a boyfriend, friends and a job to go to. I soon got a mortgage after a year renting and bought. Quite a few years ago I needed to relocate back home and did live with my parents for a while but it didn’t feel like home, even for a year.

I think at 23 your DD is lucky she is able to travel. But with the COL and depending on where you live I think she was probably expecting to come back for a few more years. She might mellow after travelling. The change will do her good. I have 2 children and I know they will be living at home longer than I did. Especially one who is autistic (no learning disabilities and many wouldn’t know she is). I’ve talked about moving - this isn’t and was never a forever home but the cost of living and getting a divorce has meant I’ve stayed where I am. Neither kids are keen to move- even when I talk about lovely better homes nearby. Their dad has moved a few times but they’ve never felt his house is home.

You are entitled to move, she’s entitled to be upset. She will come around I think. If you’re happy for her to love with you when she’s home from travelling then make sure you’re buying a house with that in mind and that she will have a room as long as she needs it.

MrsSkylerWhite · 27/05/2023 09:27

We’re moving to our retirement place in a year or so, when our youngest has finished their course. They’ll be 21 and are delighted for us.

She is being unreasonable.

MamaBear4ever · 27/05/2023 09:29

20 miles is nothing when you have a car. She is going travelling, its time to put yourself first after 23yrs of raising her. Move to where you want to she will adjust

TheWomanTheyCallJayne · 27/05/2023 09:34

It’s worrying how many people can’t see the difference between a parent worrying that their parenting wasn’t very good and asking if they’ve raised a selfish brat and outright calling their child a selfish brat.

Op, keep going. It’ll be a shock to the system for her but she’ll be fine. She’s old
enough to be travelling then she’s old enough to realise you are not just there to be placeholders for her life. You may find the year of travelling will be the making of her.
And of course, keep that room for her

HerbsandSpices · 27/05/2023 09:47

20 miles is nothing.

I have one at home that age and I wouldn't consider moving at this time. They have their own 'wing', so to speak, and we're close to public transport and work opportunities. So the house still works for us at this time. Eventually though, we'll have to make a move when we get older. Not in a hurry though, it's such an effort. Might consider it if two suddenly flew the nest.

Original poster

Scandimandy · 27/05/2023 09:50

😁😁😁😁 @UCknowitall 😘

OP posts:

LuckySantangelo35 · 27/05/2023 09:53

willWillSmithsmith · 26/05/2023 16:41

Twenty miles is nothing. It’s even less of a nothing as she drives. I also love having my children home but that wouldn’t stop me moving twenty miles.

Show quote history

@yepgoingforarun

surely you don’t want them living with you forever though?!

LuckySantangelo35 · 27/05/2023 09:58

InanimateObjects · 26/05/2023 20:15

If that was aimed at me @UCknowitall then:

a) nobody said he is a malign influence. But many are, as they have no love for the child in many cases. And I've only ever heard a parent speak about their child in these terms when an unrelated partner has influenced them.

b) children ARE forever. Parents usually consider the impact of things we do or say on our children always and show them love and support, yes: even as adults. This is not being a martyr.

c) you can wonder whether you are "enabling your child" without referring to them as a "brat". That's horrendous. The child does not have to be "fabulous in every way" for the parent to consider how they feel and try to talk about them in a respectful manner and show enough empathy to try to understand how they might feel, and speak to them about it.

Some very strange attitudes to family on this thread. I didn't say the daughter was "correct" btw, I was just very peturbed by the way the OP spoke about her which made me wonder why that is.

@InanimateObjects

why do you keep saying child and children? OP’s daughter is 23 - an ADULT

oh and it definitely is being a martyr to base your entire life around, to pander to, and have all your decisions dictated by your adult offspring. Total martyr. It’s time for Op to start putting herself at the centre of things now