to upset DD by moving 20 miles away

[Scandimandy]

We have just put our house on the market and being in our 50's and 60's my partner and I decided we would like to move to a more rural area and near the sea. We are both self employed so can effectively live anywhere. We have found the ideal village about 20 miles away from our current location but my adult DD who still lives with us (she is 23) is very upset for us contemplating moving this far away from our current house, I think mostly because all her friends are local. DD drives and works full time locally but is going to give up her job in November and go travelling for a year so she'd be looking for a new job when she arrived home anyway. Obviously she doesn't have to live with us, she is a grown up and could make her own way in the world. She doesn't earn loads but she has some inheritance money - she has enough for a deposit but doesn't earn enough to sustain a mortgage. Is she behaving selfishly and spoilt or are we being unreasonable for moving this far away from our current location? In one way I feel she shouldn't be living at home now at her age anyway - she has moved away for uni and then come back - but on the other hand I feel like we are forcing her out if she doesn't want to come with us. Have we raised an entitled brat?

My parents did the same thing with my sister. Granted she was a bit older than your DD, more like 26/27.
Things had been tense for a while, with sister treating the place like a hotel, never spending any time with the parents etc (worth noting that I'm 3 years younger and had been moved out a couple of years at this point).

Parents basically said, "we're moving, and you're not coming with us." Sister moved in with her bf, and they've been happily together ever since.

I get the impression that you are more than welcoming to the idea of dd coming with you, which is far more generous than my parents were feeling! Frankly, she either comes, or she doesn't. Either way, don't let that stop you moving where you want to go. She's a fully formed adult, and it's time she grew up.

I drive that far to go shopping, I once drove 45 miles each way to my job! 20 miles is nothing of she drives and if she doesn't like it she has a solution.

We refer to our children as children because we have no word in English to distinguish our offspring who are young and those who have grown. I’ve been trying to think of one for years. Any suggestions?

My post was in reply to whoever asked why we were referring to an adult of 23 as a child. Couldn’t get the quote button to work🤫

Why can't she be upset though? And why does her being upset make her an entitled brat?

From what you've said she hasnt said you cant or that she isnt happy to move along with you, just that she is very upset yet you seem to think her feelings are something that are irrational. Has nothing ever upset you?

Whilst she doesnt get to have a final say in what happens, surely a normal family conversation would include letting her know the plans and your intentions as they happen, not just by the way we are moving 20 miles away without a thought to her.

But then it baffles me the amount of people on here who don't consider their children and do their best to get them out of the family home as soon as they turn 18 and refuse to have them back.

But not everywhere is affordable, even rent. It amazes me that people don't consider this when they try to push the child out of the home.

A studio flat in my area is £900 plus Bill's a month. A 1 bed flat is £1250 and houses are around £1600 plus a month and don't allow you to divide the rent between friends.

Even HOMO are £650 plus bills and are often single bedrooms.

I just dont get why letting them struggle is preferable to having them living at home , its though you're trying to teach them some weird lesson. At least at home they have a better chance of saving to get onto the property market.

My children are teens and I cant ever imagine forcing them out of home because they have a job. My parents never did it to me and it never had a negative impact, despite beliefs on here.

She's the unreasonable one. You have done nothing wrong. She wouldn't even have to buy a house at this point ... she could do a house share with others!
www.spareroom.co.uk

@Scandimandy you have to put your own needs first. I've just done a similar post where my ds 23 moved 200 miles away last year and has just come back. The home dynamics have changed since he's been gone and he's had to adjust and fit back in..rather than us changing everything back for him.
Whilst I disagree that it's time for her to fly the nest ext as long as you are providing her a roof over her head option it's up to her to either find something for herself or drive the 20 miles to catch up with her old friends ect.
You do have to bear in mind that it's not easy for young ones now to set themselves up in Thier own home..even if they have some money behind them.. because everything is so expensive.
I think you should find your dream home,move there and keep her a room which she will need if she's off traveling..maybe when she gets back she will have matured and see that 20 miles is nothing.

Laughing at the idea of calling one's adult child a brat as 'horrendous'
Honestly, how do some of you get through life when you're this precious?

Surely if she’s that bothered she can move out, I mean at 23 I had my own house and a baby my mum moved to Australia so at least you are only going 20 miles away. She can’t have her own way, she’s an adult with a job who could live independently if she wanted.

She’ll be off travelling no doubt not giving you a second thought, but you have to consider her hurt sad feelings because you want to move - it’s 20 miles she can still see friends etc or even stay over with them.

I think you've been very generous allowing her to move with you and give her an ensuite! 20 miles really is not far for her to travel for work or to see friends. Surely many of her friends anyway have moved away though and cope with not being near home. Many of my old school friends moved miles away and often stayed in or near their university towns. I stayed near where I went to university 500 miles away from home! You can't prioritise her requirements above your own anymore at her age.