Catfished and can’t get over it

[Lifesagamethentheytaketheboardaway]

Just as the title says really. Met a guy online about a month ago, and we hit it off so well. Our sense of humours went together, taste in movies and board games and general outlook on life. He wasn’t copying me on that stuff; he lead the conversation and went first with a lot of our comments and it was exactly the stuff I wanted in a man. He had multiple photos online and they all matched one another. We planned a couple of meetings but I cancelled the first one when stuck at work and he cancelled the next one when stuff came up.

Well, we met tonight and he was not the man in his photos. He was 10 years older, bald and had a huge beard and overweight. Just…. Nothing at all like his photos.

I can’t get over it. We’ve talked everyday for a month. We’ve messaged and had phone calls. And he was the perfect fit personality wise but then this totally different awful person arrived.

I know now I should have insisted on a video call or something but I hate video calls and never do them so it isn’t something I would as for.

I just can’t get over it. I can’t sleep and feel sick and so upset.

Someone knock some sense into me.

Op didn’t say that though.

She said he was awful for doing what he did.

So yes if this imaginary man said ‘well she was an overweight frump and behaved awfully’ I think that’s fine.

They're all lies 🤷‍♀️
At least he was efficient about it.
I'm very glad I'm not a man looking for a woman! Most women lie about their appearance far more than men, and on a daily basis too.

Ok? And someone online thinks I am awful? Because they don’t like it being pointed out that they are trying to tell women ‘you are awful if a man lies to you and you don’t accept it. It makes you shallow’

It doesn’t change that you are lying about what the Op said, to try and twist it so you can claim she is shallow.

How do they lie in a daily basis?

I can full well imagine many women, do what this man has done here and it’s not ok.

But how are women lying on a daily basis?

The OP called him 'awful' because that's what he was - he deliberately misled her, deceived her and wasted her time.

He wasn't awful because of his looks, but because of his personality.

It'd be fine for a man to call a woman an awful person too, if she catfished him.

I'm not sure why you're defending his behaviour.

I don't think I've ever come across a man saying he went a date with a woman who posted a picture of a completely different person online.

I guess it may happen but you hear about it the other way round all the time.

I'm in awe too. I can imagine blokes in this situation trying to guilt trip you into making you feel sorry for them and 'giving them a chance' .. like that's a good dynamic to start off with! Well done.

Of course it’s catfishing, he used someone else’s photos. And yes, he probably did because unlike men, women are expected not to have their own sexuality and therefore not care about looks, otherwise they’re shallow. If OP had been 10 years older and looked nothing like her photos though, I doubt he would have expected to be understanding.

Well done you for walking out OP.

See previous post:

Don't compare hair dye, make up and Spanx to what this guy did. It doesn't compare.

Oh sure, it’s sooo shallow of women not to be attracted to men who have LIED about how they look (so presumably they’re shallow too?) and end up being TEN years older, bald and overweight. How dare women not be attracted to any old lying arse who demands their attention 🥺

Because according to some on her, everything is a woman’s fault.

A man does something wrong let’s blame women. The poor little men are never at fault, it’s us women that make them lie and cheat.

Same old misogynistic BS

hopefully he will be able to find someone who will love him for who he is, not what he looks like.

Well, that's up to him isn't it? If he really wants to find someone who accepts him for who he is, he needs to show them who he really is, instead of trying to deceive women into thinking he's someone else.

There are plenty of bald, overweight men out there with wives and partners, so clearly these things are not a deal breaker for everyone! But deliberate deception is a deal breaker for many women and that's completely reasonable.

Starting every relationship on a lie cannot be the key to finding someone who will love and accept you for who you are.

It’s not the same is it?

I am with you in the filters and editing photos for online dating.

But if you dye your hair, that’s still your hair and the colour that someone sees when they look at you.

If you get Botox (which many men do) you are the same person and you don’t all of sudden look 10 years older when it wears off. If you use Botox AND lie about your age, it’s the lying about your age that’s the issue.

Spanx don’t make you appear as a completely different body type, how is that different to dressing in a way that flattering? Do you also think men that have shirts and suits fitted to flatter their frame are also misleading people?

If you wax your eyebrows, they look how they look. You can see how they look.

If someone is wearing a lot of make up, it’s obvious they are wearing a lot of make up and obvious they will look differently without it. How is that deceiving anyone?

If a woman posted a heavily filtered photo that mistral wants them, their age, their body type and then it’s dishonest. spending time on your appearance isn’t deceptive. If you are someone who does all these things that’s how you look. People can see how you look.

But if you start dating someone who spends a lot of time grooming themselves and you like that appearance and then they stop, it’s ok not to be attracted to them.

Besides which, it’s not like this man decided to grow a beard and not tell her. It wasn’t even editing or old pictures. It was a different person.

By your standards the only way someone could not be deceptive is if no one did any personal grooming and were naked all the time.

To all the weird defenders hung up on the word "awful": when someone is upset, they often conflate ideas or language in their speech or writing. The OP's meaning was extremely clear. The man was awful for lying, and he misrepresented himself, and she wasn't attracted to him.

Also, no one owes anyone instant attraction. If you're suddenly confronted with someone who has lied, it gives you the ick. She's not a bad person for not being attracted to a bald bearded overweight man if that's not her thing. Everyone has preferences. And most of us prefer not being lied to.

I can't believe the amount of women defending this shit - it's depressing, talk about handmaidens. Are we really not allowed to have boundaries?

He clearly wanted a younger, attractive woman. If he had put up actual photos he may well have gotten interest from some women, but just not the women he felt entitled to date.

It's these guys who are obsessed with looks and age, not the other way around - no way would they overlook a woman who turned up 20 years older and 200 pounds heavier than her photos - they would run like hell.
Instead they target younger women, and try to shame them into 'giving them a chance', coz for some reason women are supposed to ignore our boundaries and feel sorry for him...fuck that!

And in no way is it comparable to dyeing your hair, or even using soft focus photos as some people are claiming.

very straight talking there greycloud but a lot of truth in your post I fear. And empathy, so lacking in many of the responses.
ok - admission - am bloke.
Yep, the guy obviously had issues/things he needs to work on, and that is rather sad. And of course he blocked the OP afterwards - clearly best for both parties - why the OP should be so outraged by this blocking I don't know.
For info, not unknown for women to do the same/similar things. I OLD'ed for a short time. (Unlikely will again) A fair few women chatted and chatted but had a curious reluctance to meet. One I seem to recall said that I was cheeky/pushy/rude/out of order for even suggesting that after so much chat we meet. Have also met women who looked not a lot like their photos. (maybe very old ones of them). Or supplied pics shot from very odd angles. One I am pretty certain sent a photo of someone else entirely. And oddly/tellingly very soon asked if I thought she looked like her photo. We had a short somewhat stilted conversation for a while then I made my excuses and left. I felt she had wasted my time, nothing worse, though in truth wasted more of hers. And I felt a bit sad for her.

OP, I think I would be more philosophical about the experience, move on, get out there - maybe less time on the D&D (took me a while to work out what that was). Oh and in your posts/ads, specify no beards. You are also perfectly entitled to say that you don't go for men you consider to be overweight. As long of course as you don't take umbrage at any men who might specify same.

Be kind to yourself and others.

I'm still waiting for the day that I'm talking to a middle aged, overweight woman online and a victoria secrets model turns up on our first date. Not happened yet.

😂😂😂

Hang in there! It will happen for you. I just know it 🤞

It’s not women’s job to stroke the ego of random lying older men. Sorry.

@Stravaig You are deluded if you think men dont do this stuff. I personally know of at least three different men who have had hair transplants, the nurse who does my botox told me that in recent years, 40% of her clientele are now men (of varying ages), men also wear fake tan and go on any cosmetic surgeons website and you'll find before and after pics with male patients, some men also take steroids to assist them with their gym routine so its ridiculous to suggest that only women engage in "deceptive" appearance enhancing methods.

Hey, I'm just advocating for less outrage that a man faked an attractive appearance when women do it all the time 🤷‍♀️

A little more thought given to double standards, especially as women are generally on the losing end. A lot less emphasis on appearance would be helpful all around.

Don’t be ridiculous, we’re attracted to what we’re attracted to, we shouldn’t be guilted into dating men 10 years older that we have zero attraction to just because they feel entitled to lie about their age and appearance to get someone much younger.

"She said he was awful for doing what he did."

No she didn't. She said:

"Well, we met tonight and he was not the man in his photos. He was 10 years older, bald and had a huge beard and overweight. Just…. Nothing at all like his photos.

I can’t get over it. We’ve talked everyday for a month. We’ve messaged and had phone calls. And he was the perfect fit personality wise but then this totally different awful person arrived."

You might think it's OK to call someone an awful person because you don't find them physically attractive. I don't.

Hey, I'm just advocating for less outrage that a man faked an attractive appearance when women do it all the time 🤷‍♀️

He didnt fake an attractive appearance with makeup or lighting though, he posted someone ELSE's photo. An entirely different person!