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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH completely inflexible

144 replies

Senzi · 25/05/2023 21:37

DH is great (mainly). Kind, honest, funny, dependable, great Dad, works hard to support us financially……

but

I’m struggling with his inflexibility to certain parts of life. He has ASD and struggles with certain tasks which is starting to really annoy me. He won’t do any kind of food preparation, he finds following cooking instructions difficult and gets all flustered. He can just about cope with putting a pizza in the oven if I’m not around. He won’t do errands such as pop to the shops, return a parcel to the post office, doesn’t like giving the children lifts, won’t share his stuff, has to have his ‘own’ toothpaste for example etc. I won’t bore you with all the other

He’s always been like this and I’ve always supported him. However for some reason it’s now irritating me hugely. We both work (him at home, me out) and sometimes I don’t want to come in from work and find the washing machine full of damp clothes, have to think about dinner, tidy up etc.

He’s not lazy, these things just don’t cross his mind. He apologises a lot when I tell him off. He often can’t see the bigger picture with what happens if you don’t do something. (Like laundry doesn’t dry if it’s still in the machine or if you don’t put cans of Tango from the pantry into the fridge then when you want one they’re not cold 🙄) He can’t seem to remember things I’ve reminded him about.

I keep reminding myself overall we’re a good team and to be fair he does loads of stuff I don’t want to do like life admin.

Not sure if IABU to find him such hard work (I sometimes feel like I have an extra child) as I’m sure he can’t really help it. How can I change how I feel and get past this frustration? Or is this just what marriage and family is all about?

OP posts:
MichelleScarn · 25/05/2023 21:39

How did he cope before you? Shopping eating etc?

Dacadactyl · 25/05/2023 21:39

You do stuff that annoys him too. I would say it's just living with another person tbh. He sounds fine on the whole to me, although I'd be looking to work PT if I was doing all the chores. Is that an option?

Parisj · 25/05/2023 21:47

What leaps out is that he is willing to work on things. He doesn't need to change himself which is not possible, but to find workarounds. You're tired, you don't have to do everything, but remember the big picture of what works well. And remember the huge numbers on this forum who have similar issues with no ND involved.

Original poster
Senzi · 25/05/2023 21:49

MichelleScarn · 25/05/2023 21:39

How did he cope before you? Shopping eating etc?

His mum or his ex wife

OP posts:
SeaToSki · 25/05/2023 21:51

If he doesnt rember things as they dont cross his mind, would it help if there was a list somewhere - he could make the list in consultation with you and then use it as an aide-memoire for himself.

Original poster
Senzi · 25/05/2023 21:51

Dacadactyl · 25/05/2023 21:39

You do stuff that annoys him too. I would say it's just living with another person tbh. He sounds fine on the whole to me, although I'd be looking to work PT if I was doing all the chores. Is that an option?

I work less hours than him, I have no issue (generally) with doing chores and picking up the slack, but it’s the inflexibility that annoys me, it’s the fact that if I really don’t feel like doing something it just won’t get done.

OP posts:
Original poster
Senzi · 25/05/2023 21:53

SeaToSki · 25/05/2023 21:51

If he doesnt rember things as they dont cross his mind, would it help if there was a list somewhere - he could make the list in consultation with you and then use it as an aide-memoire for himself.

Yes, I have made him lists and sometimes this is effective but sometimes he feels defiant and deliberately won’t do what’s on the list as he doesn’t like being told what to do

OP posts:
Dacadactyl · 25/05/2023 21:54

I know. But for me, him being inflexible wouldn't override what you said in your first paragraph about him. So for that I think YABU. Hope you get it sorted.

Original poster
Senzi · 25/05/2023 21:54

Parisj · 25/05/2023 21:47

What leaps out is that he is willing to work on things. He doesn't need to change himself which is not possible, but to find workarounds. You're tired, you don't have to do everything, but remember the big picture of what works well. And remember the huge numbers on this forum who have similar issues with no ND involved.

Yes I agree, but I’m at a point where I seem to have run out of patience and tolerance. I feel like rather than having a marriage I have a project!

OP posts:
HadalyEve · 25/05/2023 21:55

We both work (him at home, me out) and sometimes I don’t want to come in from work and find the washing machine full of damp clothes, have to think about dinner, tidy up etc.

Im sorry, but do you expect him to do laundry, tidy up and cook dinner while working because somehow WFH is not really working??

Original poster
Senzi · 25/05/2023 21:55

Dacadactyl · 25/05/2023 21:54

I know. But for me, him being inflexible wouldn't override what you said in your first paragraph about him. So for that I think YABU. Hope you get it sorted.

Yes you’re right but I’m losing a bit of perspective I think!

OP posts:
ChaliceinWonderland · 25/05/2023 21:55

Jesus sounds hard going. Like a difficult child with sen needs. Alot of women wouldn't put up with.
Do you fancy him. . How's your sex life?
If I had to tell my dh off, that would be it, I'm afraid....

Original poster
Senzi · 25/05/2023 21:57

HadalyEve · 25/05/2023 21:55

We both work (him at home, me out) and sometimes I don’t want to come in from work and find the washing machine full of damp clothes, have to think about dinner, tidy up etc.

Im sorry, but do you expect him to do laundry, tidy up and cook dinner while working because somehow WFH is not really working??

He does work hard mostly but he’s also one of these people that looks busy even when they’re achieving not much. It only takes 5 minutes to hang laundry and he works for himself so has complete autonomy

OP posts:
gamerchick · 25/05/2023 21:57

Senzi · 25/05/2023 21:53

Yes, I have made him lists and sometimes this is effective but sometimes he feels defiant and deliberately won’t do what’s on the list as he doesn’t like being told what to do

Show quote history

I wouldn't be in a relationship with anyone with even a smattering of PDA.

You can't change him. It's either accept him the way he is or split up. This is it.

Original poster
Senzi · 25/05/2023 21:58

ChaliceinWonderland · 25/05/2023 21:55

Jesus sounds hard going. Like a difficult child with sen needs. Alot of women wouldn't put up with.
Do you fancy him. . How's your sex life?
If I had to tell my dh off, that would be it, I'm afraid....

Well he said he likes it when I’m stern with him 🤣

OP posts:
Testina · 25/05/2023 21:58

“Yes, I have made him lists and sometimes this is effective but sometimes he feels defiant and deliberately won’t do what’s on the list as he doesn’t like being told what to do”

If I couldn’t help being unable to do things, I’d damn well follow the list I was given with a good grace.

I think in this case the A in ASD stands for Arsehole.

Testina · 25/05/2023 22:00

It sounds like bullshit - can’t follow instructions yet can do life admin.
I’ll tell you something his “ASD” doesn’t stop him doing: cherry picking.

Ponderingwindow · 25/05/2023 22:02

I have ASD. I have a high powered job and manage that just fine. Home life can easily get overwhelming. It has so many variables. I cope by making lots and lots of checklists. I make one every day. If I start to get overwhelmed about the next 30 minutes or hour, I stop and write out the micro steps for the next bit of time.

DH doesn’t have a diagnosis and I’m not sure he would actually get one, but one of the reasons we get along so well is that he is very similar to me. He also gets extremely flustered with things like cooking and putting things away. It went against every feminist bone in my body, but I finally broke down and started making lists for him too, and he does things just fine if he has written instructions to follow.

Original poster
Senzi · 25/05/2023 22:03

Testina · 25/05/2023 22:00

It sounds like bullshit - can’t follow instructions yet can do life admin.
I’ll tell you something his “ASD” doesn’t stop him doing: cherry picking.

It does sound like cherry picking to me too, but in the bigger picture he ticks most boxes, I’m just struggling with this complete inflexibility

OP posts:
discobrain · 25/05/2023 22:06

I couldn't be doing with that. He needs to grow up.

Londonlassy · 25/05/2023 22:09

HadalyEve · 25/05/2023 21:55

We both work (him at home, me out) and sometimes I don’t want to come in from work and find the washing machine full of damp clothes, have to think about dinner, tidy up etc.

Im sorry, but do you expect him to do laundry, tidy up and cook dinner while working because somehow WFH is not really working??

Sorry when I work from home I use all the time I would use commuting t doing house chores or things for the family . I think Op Is reasonable to have some expectations that her DH steps up a bit more

Original poster
Senzi · 25/05/2023 22:12

Londonlassy · 25/05/2023 22:09

Sorry when I work from home I use all the time I would use commuting t doing house chores or things for the family . I think Op Is reasonable to have some expectations that her DH steps up a bit more

Show quote history

I agree, I don’t think I’m being unreasonable to expect a few things done whilst I’m at work. It’s not a time issue, he chooses his own working hours, sometimes he’s not even out of bed till 9, sometimes he’s having siesta at 3, sometimes he’ll work until late in the evening or on weekends- depends how he feels and what mood he’s in

OP posts:
HadalyEve · 25/05/2023 22:16

Londonlassy · 25/05/2023 22:09

Sorry when I work from home I use all the time I would use commuting t doing house chores or things for the family . I think Op Is reasonable to have some expectations that her DH steps up a bit more

Show quote history

Except she works “fewer hours” and her DH has a disability. So I’m not convinced it is reasonable that a DH with a disability who works more hours than OP should be expected to also do the laundry, tidying up and dinner while OP is out at her job?

HadalyEve · 25/05/2023 22:19

Senzi · 25/05/2023 21:57

He does work hard mostly but he’s also one of these people that looks busy even when they’re achieving not much. It only takes 5 minutes to hang laundry and he works for himself so has complete autonomy

Show quote history

So “looks busy even when they are not achieving much” tells me he has to work much harder than a NT person like you to get the same results. Are you honestly accommodating for this? Because I think it would take him more than 5mins to hang laundry.

Original poster
Senzi · 25/05/2023 22:19

HadalyEve · 25/05/2023 22:16

Except she works “fewer hours” and her DH has a disability. So I’m not convinced it is reasonable that a DH with a disability who works more hours than OP should be expected to also do the laundry, tidying up and dinner while OP is out at her job?

Show quote history

I don’t expect him to do all these things necessarily on the same day as he would be totally overwhelmed with too much information, and they are things which don’t take much time. One day I’ll see don’t forget to hang laundry, or another day, don’t forget to do bins & recycling

OP posts: