DH completely inflexible

[Senzi]

DH is great (mainly). Kind, honest, funny, dependable, great Dad, works hard to support us financially……

but

I’m struggling with his inflexibility to certain parts of life. He has ASD and struggles with certain tasks which is starting to really annoy me. He won’t do any kind of food preparation, he finds following cooking instructions difficult and gets all flustered. He can just about cope with putting a pizza in the oven if I’m not around. He won’t do errands such as pop to the shops, return a parcel to the post office, doesn’t like giving the children lifts, won’t share his stuff, has to have his ‘own’ toothpaste for example etc. I won’t bore you with all the other

He’s always been like this and I’ve always supported him. However for some reason it’s now irritating me hugely. We both work (him at home, me out) and sometimes I don’t want to come in from work and find the washing machine full of damp clothes, have to think about dinner, tidy up etc.

He’s not lazy, these things just don’t cross his mind. He apologises a lot when I tell him off. He often can’t see the bigger picture with what happens if you don’t do something. (Like laundry doesn’t dry if it’s still in the machine or if you don’t put cans of Tango from the pantry into the fridge then when you want one they’re not cold 🙄) He can’t seem to remember things I’ve reminded him about.

I keep reminding myself overall we’re a good team and to be fair he does loads of stuff I don’t want to do like life admin.

Not sure if IABU to find him such hard work (I sometimes feel like I have an extra child) as I’m sure he can’t really help it. How can I change how I feel and get past this frustration? Or is this just what marriage and family is all about?

He says he wouldn’t cope as he realises there are parts to life which he feels he just can’t do.

he has never wanted to pop to the shops or run errands

I’m off to work now, I’ve reminded him that laundry needs to be hung as it’s lovely and sunny. Hopefully it’ll be all dry when I get home!

he’s actually the first person to describe himself as quirky or eccentric.

The older I get, the less appealing I find people who describe themselves this way.

We laugh together at his ‘ways’

Really? Your OP isn't very funny.

You're unhappy. Quirks and hilarity aside, if he loves you he needs to work with you on this. His ASD doesn't absolve him from that.

What your calling inflexibility is actually a 'change to routine' this is what is difficult and gets forgotten because he's on autopilot with his set tasks for some with asd a simple extra task can absolutely throw out the whole day, that doesn't mean all hope is lost you need to find a way that he can cope and remember the easiest way is to add a job he needs to do everyday so that it can be fitted into his day and become new routine like putting a wash on when he makes his lunch it can be very very difficult to just do random tasks and then still have a productive day at work it's very likely alot of mental effort is being used up conforming to what is needed from him. I suppose as far as understanding goes it's hard to explain so I'll try say a neurological person has two buckets each bucket represents the days work load so one bucket is what we subconsciously do during the day like brushing your teeth, getting dressed, making a drink etc then your other bucket is your new tasks for the day assignments at work, drs appointments, conversations with colleagues etc a neurodiverse person only has the one bucket all tasks are in there and so it's pretty full and they all take conscious effort at first hence why many neurodiverse children are overwhelmed with smaller tasks like brushing teeth either forgetting its importance or a sensory issue it becomes a huge task and takes along time sometimes years to become routine in the bucket, eventually all the day to day tasks over the years become routine in the bucket to the now adult but they still only have that one bucket you add something new to it the whole lot gets messed up and has to be rearranged this is where it depends on the person's severity of neurodiversity as to whether their bucket has room for a new task or if its just full to the brim and going to overflow, then you get the meltdown can't cope situation by asking them to do something as simple as loading the dishwasher and it *seems like they are coping so the neurological person is mad and the neurodiverse person is frustrated usually at themselves because they can't do it. I live in a neurodiverse household there's 5 of us some on the spectrum some adhd lots of deep breaths 🤣

My DH is extremely likely to have ASD and I can tick off most of that list - special mug, same clothes bought on repeat, special towel, routine etc. He's also extremely hands on in our home. He has to be, he's a SAHD!

I don't really get involved in cleaning and laundry but what seems to work for him is having days assigned to certain tasks. We do not deviate from the laundry schedule no matter what! And certain parts of the house get cleaned on certain days. It works for him. He can't seem to do more than one thing at a time - so gets very focussed on eg laundry until is done - but that's fine, it gets done. I used to use The Organised Mum Method when I was on my own, and it's actually pretty similar in set up. There's an app that reminds you what to do each day?

We have a weekly planner which shows who needs to be where and when and that helps him. I also put meals on there so he knows what to expect.

he has never wanted to pop to the shops or run errands

Jut as well that he's never had to then!

🤣
I'm sorry - I know we're supposed to be very po-faced and tell you to LTB because he's not doing enough laundry, but this made me laugh in recognition.

FWIW, you sound like a really, really nice person and I am sure he appreciates this (especially so as he'll know that his "quirks" won't be easy to live with). As I say, if he's generally good humoured and a decent dad, I'd stick with taking the mickey out of him.

Get an Alexa and set reminders for him?

I can assure you laundry is an ASD thing and not a man thing. It took me 2 days from initial 'I need to wash that' to actually getting the load into the machine. All afternoon yesterday thinking I need to go and hang that up. I managed to take it upstairs to the airer, however I've found it this morning in a pile on the floor. So that was 3 days of mental work and I'm still no bloody further forward. I can assure you it would be much easier if I could just do it!

For the people who say oh he has a disability so you need to understand this is just how he is and you can't make him do chores the same way you can't make a person in a wheelchair walk etc, what happens if both partners in the house have the same disability? What if there are two autistic people living together, who don't do chores becauseof their autism? But they have children? What happens? Do they just live in a festering messy unwashed house? Normally one person ends up having to get organised and do things. Otherwise they'd be accused of being neglectful etc to the children. Obviously there are cases of parents having such severe difficulties they really cannot look after their own children due to this. But 2 professionals who have good jobs and a mortgage etc who's only issue seems to be not being able to hang up the washing or similar really do have to look at ways of managing themselves for their children's sake. Maybe that even involves hiring a cleaner but it's taking responsibility for their own issues and coming up with a solution.
Disclaimer. Myself and my partner are both autistic. Pretty sure he's adhd as well but not diagnosed. We have methods between us to get through things. Lists. Having chats to discuss the things we hate or struggle with the most and finding ways to get round them etc. We've also both had to learn when the other is genuinely overwhelmed and just needs a break.

He’s excellent at dealing with loads of things I absolutely hate such as paying all the bills, sorting out all car / house insurance. He recently sorted our sons PIP application which was successful. He does bins and all the gardening lawn mowing so I then wonder if I’m expecting too much when I ask him to peel some potatoes or put some laundry on.

He doesn't sound totally useless to me.

I think you need to decide if you want to play to each others strengths (so he's responsible for abc and you're responsible for xyz) or whether you want to split it all 50/50 regardless of what you find easy or difficult.

I mean, bills on a direct debit, insurance on auto renew, both can be discounted as a major contribution to running a household really. Bins are a minute or two weekly or fortnightly. Laundry is relentless.

I mean, bills on a direct debit, insurance on auto renew, both can be discounted as a major contribution to running a household really. Bins are a minute or two weekly or fortnightly. Laundry is relentless.

Like I said, if that's the case, OP could insist on everything being split 50/50 regardless of their individual strengths and weaknesses.

But doing that does mean acknowledging that someone with ASD will find certain jobs more difficult and therefore things may take much longer to accomplish, or may be done in what appears to be a totally fashion.

I did say upthread that ASD isn't an excuse to opt out of things you find difficult, but even neurotypical relationships organise chores around people's strengths and weaknesses, so it's hardly an outlandish suggestion here IMO.

I'm also married to someone with ASD (and ADHD). He sounds similar in many ways to your DH - self employed, lived by himself very successfully without the demands of family, but will definitely rely on other people to get things done. He lovingly acknowledges that I make his life a lot easier and he has the capacity to focus on job and kids because I do a lot in the home and with the mental load.

The above post is where I think you need to start from. What tasks can he do and take ownership of? And then try to balance it as much as possible.

My DH does the dishes, bins, manages dog walker, cooks a couple of times a week, does nursery runs. These are regular tasks that are always the same and generally have one or two steps. (The thing about laundry is you have to collect it, put it on, take it out, wait for it to dry, fold it, put it away. It's like the worst possible ADHD task because at any time you can just forget you're part way through and it all goes off the rails. I forget about washing and I'm NT.) He'll also always help out if I ask him to but he'll never really notice tasks that need doing until they impinge on something else e.g. I need to do washing to get a specific item of gym clothes, I need to hoover because someone is coming over (not just cause the floor is filthy).

Re cooking - it sounds like there are things your DH can cook, they just might not be gourmet. It's ok if a couple of times a week, dinner is pizza and bought in salad, or ready made lasagna and a vegetable. Would Gousto boxes work? My husband likes those because the portioned ingredients reduce tasks and the recipe is set out in a really orderly way that assumes no knowledge.

Your DH doesn't sound like an awful person and has a good sense of humour about himself. But he does sound like he's put a lot of effort into creating a life for himself with low demands and away from experiences he finds hard - which would be fine, except when it makes you miserable. Where the ND Vs arsehole will become apparent is if he's willing to acknowledge this, listen to you, and work together to find more that he can do or strategies for doing tasks in ways that work for him.

An interesting post. I haven't voted either way because I think you may 'sort of' be unreasonable but you're not unreasonable to feel how you feel. It's not a black-and-white question.
People irritate each other all the time, and it's up to you how you feel about any given irritation. (NT or ND)
Autism and laziness are two separate things, you can be autistic and lazy but you can be autistic and burnout, which makes it SO much more difficult to do things. This isn't laziness.
Only you can decide whether the level of frustration you feel is 'too much' but there are strategies you can work on together to ease that frustration. Could any of these help you work out whether he's 'choosing' not to do it or he's unable?

PDA
Object Permanence

End of the day, do you love him enough to have the tough conversations and work out strategies together, and does he love you enough to do the same?

Sounds exhausting. I think the cooking would be the first area I'd ask him to work on. If he wants to have set meals on certain days then that's fine, but he needs to work on overcoming his issues around cooking, so he can contribute to the household and ensure it happens. He decided to have children, so needs to make sure his kids are eating a balanced diet.

Has he has any sort of therapy, not sure if there's a form of CBT or similar which may be able to help him?

Put a timetable up and do washing on set days so he knows it’s coming up.

do a meal planner and if you know you have a long day then him putting a pizza in is enough.

would he go to the shops with you? Get online delivery for groceries or get him to Uber eats some groceries! You can Amazon prime some stuff on same day!

it’s exhausting the mental load women have to carry let alone with someone that is ASD
I know wfh and do extra jobs so just plan them in and if he does them then a little reward 😆 🍆

I have reminders set approximately every 2 minutes about things I haven't done and need to do. When the reminders go off, I find myself perplexed by why technology is nagging me, and set it to remind me again in a bit, when I feel like doing whatever it's telling me to do, then it's all muddled up with further reminders about different things which I don't like the look of. In the end, I mute them all and do something entirely different. I don't know about the OP's husband, but that's certainly how my brain works.

The problem is the entire mental load is on you and with 2 kids in the mix, that's a monumental task, which is probably why this was fine 25 years ago when you met but not so much now. You need to at least assign regular tasks to him, you're doing way too much.

Some kind of therapist for him would be good, because it does seem that at the moment he is just avoiding the things that make him uncomfortable because you will do it. But if he was on his own, he would have to tackle some (not all of course) of them. You're enabling him and supporting him which is wonderful for him but not for you.