DH completely inflexible

[Senzi]

DH is great (mainly). Kind, honest, funny, dependable, great Dad, works hard to support us financially……

but

I’m struggling with his inflexibility to certain parts of life. He has ASD and struggles with certain tasks which is starting to really annoy me. He won’t do any kind of food preparation, he finds following cooking instructions difficult and gets all flustered. He can just about cope with putting a pizza in the oven if I’m not around. He won’t do errands such as pop to the shops, return a parcel to the post office, doesn’t like giving the children lifts, won’t share his stuff, has to have his ‘own’ toothpaste for example etc. I won’t bore you with all the other

He’s always been like this and I’ve always supported him. However for some reason it’s now irritating me hugely. We both work (him at home, me out) and sometimes I don’t want to come in from work and find the washing machine full of damp clothes, have to think about dinner, tidy up etc.

He’s not lazy, these things just don’t cross his mind. He apologises a lot when I tell him off. He often can’t see the bigger picture with what happens if you don’t do something. (Like laundry doesn’t dry if it’s still in the machine or if you don’t put cans of Tango from the pantry into the fridge then when you want one they’re not cold 🙄) He can’t seem to remember things I’ve reminded him about.

I keep reminding myself overall we’re a good team and to be fair he does loads of stuff I don’t want to do like life admin.

Not sure if IABU to find him such hard work (I sometimes feel like I have an extra child) as I’m sure he can’t really help it. How can I change how I feel and get past this frustration? Or is this just what marriage and family is all about?

Oh my... I totally relate to some of these... and so does my wife. She has the plate thing where foods shouldn't touch, and I definitely have the matching clothes. I WFH but practically have a uniform... We've found that it's easy to get frustrated with each other, but we have learned over time that when one of us feels frustrated, we have a sort of 'family meeting' (just the two of us and the dog! 😂) to talk through our frustrations. It always helps to chat about stuff, even if we don't always come up with solutions. But sometimes we do, and it helps. Maybe you could do something similar? We also have a code word that either of us can say if things are getting a bit heated lol (I won't share it cause it's random anyway but it always seems to work to calm things down)

Are posters really apologising profusely for this man, saying he can’t possibly be expected to hang laundry because he works from home and is ND? What? Are they really saying the OP is unreasonable for expecting him to do one tiny house task a day, like stick some dinner on, put the bins out etc, because it’s too much for him?

A man who is self employed and presumably makes that work, or he wouldn’t be doing it? What the fuck?! 😆

I think you need to differentiate between ND inflexibility and bogstandard domestic avoidance common to many men.

Your latter list is all ND issues. Your earlier list of stuff he won’t do, other than cooking, is just domestic laziness.

Instead of giving him lists and asking him to do things, sit down with a spreadsheet, carve up the chores so part are your responsibility, part his. Then he has his task list, and you’re not asking him to do stuff.

Good idea, reading some of these responses it seems others either don’t understand what I’ve written or are jumping to conclusions which are neither accurate or helpful.

thanks everyone who posted a sensible, non judgemental post.

Yeah exactly, I’m struggling to differentiate between ASD and being an arse!

Good idea, he loves spreadsheets

He sounds like a nightmare to live with.

Why doesn’t he like giving the children lifts?!

Stuff like soaps needing to be antibacterial and specific food arrangement on the plate sounds like ASD.

Stuff like deliberately refusing to use the list out of spite and then sexing it up with liking you being "stern" sounds like arsehole syndrome.

He manages with his work.

He says his car is too big and worries about parking (he drives a pick up) although I’ve suggested he takes my smaller car he says he’s worried in case someone talks to him

How does he park when he’s not giving people lifts?

He sounds absolutely exhausting. I would 100% have lost my shit by this point. I grew up with someone like this. Everything had to be just so. Sometimes you just have to grow up. The fact he only coped before you because of his ex wife or his mum says a lot about what a man child he is.

I know this sounds harsh but I literally don’t know ANY women who go on like this. It’s always a man who gets a free pass.

I can relate to a fair bit of this. my husband has ASD but I wouldn't say he has as many particular traits about ways things must be compared to yours but he certainly likes routine, hates change and isn't very good at just doing what needs doing round the house. He says he just doesn't see it needs doing but he is happy to do it if we agree what he's doing and I just say it. Sometimes I do find it difficult though as i feel like it's always on me to remember to say and leave a list etc. but when I have my level head on I know he can't help the way he is and then feel bad for feeling the burden. I guess there isn't much that can be done there as its just the nature of us.

I think whilst I appreciate everything your husband says, he needs to be considerate of you and the compromise there is that you can agree a list or set days for him to do set tasks if that is better for his routine. Just saying I can't cope with xyz but I also don't want you to tell me what to do isn't fair on you in my opinion. I mean if you agreed what he was going to do at the beginning of the week for example, is that more mutual involvement and less like being told what to do for him? I appreciate he can't help a lot of his traits but not like being told what to do isn't a disability and he has to appreciate you also don't like taking on everything.

I think YANBU to want him to do more. But you also know he struggles. So the question is how you fix it - will a list work? Daily - straight forward - tasks he is responsible for every day he works from home so he knows what he is doing? Sometimes these things aren't about sharing everything equally in terms of I cook one day, you cook the next, but rather working out what works for whom.

And if all else fails, could you get a cleaner to take the load off?

Ridiculous.

How does he manage when he has to drive himself about then?

He has ASD.
He is disabled.
That will be tough sometimes, but it's an integral part of him, not active choices he is making.
If he was a wheelchair user and that started to irritate you, what would you do?

Ah so he can run his own company, it’s just the traditional women’s work he can’t manage? What a coincidence. How would he cope if you left him? What did he do when him and his ex wife split?

Sounds like “weaponised incompetence”!! Can you get a weekly cleaner to do the tasks you’re locking horns about? Might be the easiest solution. Also, many men suddenly want to do chores when the alternative is paying a third party to do it!

Every where else he goes there is loads of places to park and it’s spacious

I’ve suggested a cleaner but he doesn’t want a stranger in the house touching or moving our things

Seriously, why did you marry this man?!

I’ve read it all now. A woman being advised to go part time so that she can get the chores done. Whaaaaat?

Feels
like there a lot of people on this thread who have no understanding of the inflexibility involved with ASD. My DS has been diagnosed
with aDHD,
I also think he has ASD and possibly PDA. it is about how a brain works. Many of
the things on the list are
not unfamiliar. It can be difficult to deal
with, my Dad was the same- my Mum did cope with him because she obviously found that the benefits were worth it, but the inflexibility can be hard to live with. it helped me a great deal to understand it’s the way a brain is wired, not just selfishness.

I wouldn't either.
My ex was strategically incompetent. I still wouldn't put myself in that situation again though. ASD or not.
My role in life is not to micro manage my partner whilst tiptoeing around.

I can understand the cleaner issue from an ASD perspective, but some of this as I said is just a bloke not thinking domestic chores are his job.

I think some ND people use their condition as an excuse to be an arsehole. OP, you need to decide whether your DH is one of them.

(I stress "some", this isn't an able-ist slight against ND in general, most of whom don't).