Page 5 | DH completely inflexible

Senzi · 2023-05-25T20:37:02+00:00

DH is great (mainly). Kind, honest, funny, dependable, great Dad, works hard to support us financially…… but I’m struggling with his inflexibility to certain parts of life. He has ASD and struggles with certain tasks which is starting to really annoy me. He won’t do any kind of food preparation, he finds following cooking instructions difficult and gets all flustered. He can just about cope with putting a pizza in the oven if I’m not around. He won’t do errands such as pop to the shops, return a parcel to the post office, doesn’t like giving the children lifts, won’t share his stuff, has to have his ‘own’ toothpaste for example etc. I won’t bore you with all the other He’s always been like this and I’ve always supported him. However for some reason it’s now irritating me hugely. We both work (him at home, me out) and sometimes I don’t want to come in from work and find the washing machine full of damp clothes, have to think about dinner, tidy up etc. He’s not lazy, these things just don’t cross his mind. He apologises a lot when I tell him off. He often can’t see the bigger picture with what happens if you don’t do something. (Like laundry doesn’t dry if it’s still in the machine or if you don’t put cans of Tango from the pantry into the fridge then when you want one they’re not cold 🙄) He can’t seem to remember things I’ve reminded him about. I keep reminding myself overall we’re a good team and to be fair he does loads of stuff I don’t want to do like life admin. Not sure if IABU to find him such hard work (I sometimes feel like I have an extra child) as I’m sure he can’t really help it. How can I change how I feel and get past this frustration? Or is this just what marriage and family is all about?

DisquietintheRanks · 26/05/2023 07:31

Naunet · 26/05/2023 07:22

Ah so he can run his own company, it’s just the traditional women’s work he can’t manage? What a coincidence. How would he cope if you left him? What did he do when him and his ex wife split?

Lots of people with asd run their own businesses because it is less stressful than working for someone else and having to deal with all their rules (can you see a pattern here).

If the OP leaves then her dh won't have to cope with all the demands of having a wife and family and will likely have more energy to deal with washing. Its sad but true that the energy demands of dealing with other people can be huge if you have asd - esp if you love the person/people and are trying to function in a way that supports them.

Parisj · 26/05/2023 07:34

This does sound strategic. He's a parent, he needs to work out how to overcome anxiety about parking or talking to people. But he might not.

Naunet · 26/05/2023 07:36

Clementineorsatsuma · 26/05/2023 07:21

He has ASD.
He is disabled.
That will be tough sometimes, but it's an integral part of him, not active choices he is making.
If he was a wheelchair user and that started to irritate you, what would you do?

That doesn’t mean he’s entitled to have OP run around after him like a skivvy, she’s his wife, not his mummy.

Original poster

Senzi · 26/05/2023 07:39

guineacup · 26/05/2023 07:29

I think some ND people use their condition as an excuse to be an arsehole. OP, you need to decide whether your DH is one of them.

(I stress "some", this isn't an able-ist slight against ND in general, most of whom don't).

Yes I totally agree and this is why I’m struggling. As I’ve said earlier everything else in our relationship is good and he is a decent person. Not sure if I’m getting too wound up about day to day trivia when the important things are ok such as honesty, trust, we generally have a great laugh together and he’s actually the first person to describe himself as quirky or eccentric. We laugh together at his ‘ways’ and conclude that life would be very dull if we were all the same, which is true, but it doesn’t always stop the frustration I get from this inflexibility!

We’ve been married for 25 years and are overall a happy family I’m a very supportive person, I think I need to make a few tweaks such as get him a spreadsheet. That reminds me he once asked for a spreadsheet about where all the money goes when shopping- not sure whether he was joking but I did point out that someone who hasn’t been to a supermarket in over ten years probably doesn’t have a clue what things cost!

I gave him a receipt once and asked him to comment what he would buy or not and he didn’t really respond 😁

OP posts:

LittleBearPad · 26/05/2023 07:40

The spreadsheet sounds a plan but also figuring out some standard daily tasks? Ie he empties the dishwasher in the morning or similar.

Original poster

Senzi · 26/05/2023 07:40

Naunet · 26/05/2023 07:36

That doesn’t mean he’s entitled to have OP run around after him like a skivvy, she’s his wife, not his mummy.

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I’m not sure being in a wheelchair is a good comparison as that obviously would have completely different effect on expectations and abilities.

OP posts:

Naunet · 26/05/2023 07:40

DisquietintheRanks · 26/05/2023 07:31

Lots of people with asd run their own businesses because it is less stressful than working for someone else and having to deal with all their rules (can you see a pattern here).

If the OP leaves then her dh won't have to cope with all the demands of having a wife and family and will likely have more energy to deal with washing. Its sad but true that the energy demands of dealing with other people can be huge if you have asd - esp if you love the person/people and are trying to function in a way that supports them.

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This is just excuses. People with autism are still people, they’re not some other species, and they can still be lazy and sexist. My brother for example is severely autistic, can’t work, can’t vocalise properly and needs care. He’s still a lazy little sod when he wants to be, he’ll admit it himself and would rather have one of his helpers make him tea than do it himself even though he’s capable.
This absolute refusal to challenge men who claim they can’t do something because autism is ridiculous. If he’s not so autistic that he would need care, then he’s perfectly able to hang a bloody wash out, and at least make the effort to find a way to try and remind himself. He’s not trying to find any solution, just shrugging and saying he can’t - that’s not autism, that’s laziness.

Original poster

Senzi · 26/05/2023 07:44

Naunet · 26/05/2023 07:22

Ah so he can run his own company, it’s just the traditional women’s work he can’t manage? What a coincidence. How would he cope if you left him? What did he do when him and his ex wife split?

Yes spot on. He runs his own successful business. He often says he wouldn’t cope with life without me, but I guess he would have to find a way if I wasn’t around.

He had to move back with his parents briefly when he was getting divorced.

OP posts:

Original poster

Senzi · 26/05/2023 07:49

Naunet · 26/05/2023 07:40

This is just excuses. People with autism are still people, they’re not some other species, and they can still be lazy and sexist. My brother for example is severely autistic, can’t work, can’t vocalise properly and needs care. He’s still a lazy little sod when he wants to be, he’ll admit it himself and would rather have one of his helpers make him tea than do it himself even though he’s capable.
This absolute refusal to challenge men who claim they can’t do something because autism is ridiculous. If he’s not so autistic that he would need care, then he’s perfectly able to hang a bloody wash out, and at least make the effort to find a way to try and remind himself. He’s not trying to find any solution, just shrugging and saying he can’t - that’s not autism, that’s laziness.

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I understand what you’re saying but autism is a very wide spectrum and obviously everyone who has autism has different needs and abilities. My son who’s 16 for example will happily have a go in the kitchen and make different types of meals but can’t cross a busy road as he has no sense of danger.

my husband on the other hand can run a successful business but can’t always empty the dishwasher or hang laundry or peel potatoes. It’s about recognising areas of weakness and offering support- on the other hand I do find this difficult to understand but I don’t have ASD

OP posts:

DisquietintheRanks · 26/05/2023 07:49

Not sure what you're arguing here @Naunet . Is it that people with HF autism are not truly disabled, or that the affect of their disability is actually negligible, or that being disabled doesn't actually have any real world consequences? Or that anxiety isn't a common comorbidity with autism, or that it doesn't matter that it is, or - well what exactly?

Yes I'm sure the OPs dh could hang out a wash. I'm not so sure he can regularly do housework, and hold down a job, and be a supportive husband and father and just generally act as if his disability wasn't real and avoid a breakdown but hey, think of the fun they can have together finding out.

Original poster

Senzi · 26/05/2023 07:51

DisquietintheRanks · 26/05/2023 07:49

Not sure what you're arguing here @Naunet . Is it that people with HF autism are not truly disabled, or that the affect of their disability is actually negligible, or that being disabled doesn't actually have any real world consequences? Or that anxiety isn't a common comorbidity with autism, or that it doesn't matter that it is, or - well what exactly?

Yes I'm sure the OPs dh could hang out a wash. I'm not so sure he can regularly do housework, and hold down a job, and be a supportive husband and father and just generally act as if his disability wasn't real and avoid a breakdown but hey, think of the fun they can have together finding out.

Exactly I feel really torn between being supportive and understanding his issues and on the other hand wonder if he’s taking the piss

OP posts:

Mirabai · 26/05/2023 07:53

Senzi · 26/05/2023 07:49

I understand what you’re saying but autism is a very wide spectrum and obviously everyone who has autism has different needs and abilities. My son who’s 16 for example will happily have a go in the kitchen and make different types of meals but can’t cross a busy road as he has no sense of danger.

my husband on the other hand can run a successful business but can’t always empty the dishwasher or hang laundry or peel potatoes. It’s about recognising areas of weakness and offering support- on the other hand I do find this difficult to understand but I don’t have ASD

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Crossing the road is very different to emptying a dishwasher. Dishwasher, laundry - that’s not an ASD thing it’s a man thing - cooking - I can buy that he could struggle with that.

Original poster

Senzi · 26/05/2023 07:53

I’ve just gone downstairs and he’s emptied the dishwasher unprompted 🤣 maybe he’s having a good day today!

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coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 26/05/2023 07:56

I think you need to decide whether his inability to do things around the house are because he's autistic, or because he's a lazy sod who can't be bothered.

DH and I are both neurodivergent - I have autism and he has ADHD. Yes, that impacts on our ability to do certain things easily, but I'll be the first to admit that sometimes it's easier for me to opt out and get someone else to do it 😬

BUT doesn't mean I do opt out. I'm very sensitive to smell and texture and I've been known to throw up from having to (for example) sort recycling or empty bins - but I still do it because unfortunately that's part of life.

DH struggles with organising himself but that doesn't mean he gets to sit back and let me do it all for him - he's an adult with a job and he can do it, so he does it because again, that's part of life.

We do support each other though - unless he's not here, he'll do the bins and the recycling and anything that involves him getting his hands dirty, whereas I'll mostly do the food shop and putting laundry away as those are my strengths.

Being neurodivergent might mean life is a bit more difficult but it's not an excuse to just sit back and let someone else take over. If he's high-functioning enough to have a business and a family, he's capable of sorting the washing out, even if it does take him half an hour instead of five minutes.

vejazzlement · 26/05/2023 08:05

Your husband sounds very much like me, OP (including your very long list of additional information). I'm quite sure he's not taking the piss. I'm definitely not taking the piss - it's just the way my brain works. My DC have tried leaving me lists of things that have to be done, and I also feel mulish about that, and it makes me unco-operative. I don't know why!

I think it's just part of living with someone else. I'm glad I don't live with my partner because I couldn't cope with someone trying to keep me 'on task'. If he's otherwise a nice, kind, generous man, I wouldn't fret.

Original poster

Senzi · 26/05/2023 08:05

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 26/05/2023 07:56

I think you need to decide whether his inability to do things around the house are because he's autistic, or because he's a lazy sod who can't be bothered.

DH and I are both neurodivergent - I have autism and he has ADHD. Yes, that impacts on our ability to do certain things easily, but I'll be the first to admit that sometimes it's easier for me to opt out and get someone else to do it 😬

BUT doesn't mean I do opt out. I'm very sensitive to smell and texture and I've been known to throw up from having to (for example) sort recycling or empty bins - but I still do it because unfortunately that's part of life.

DH struggles with organising himself but that doesn't mean he gets to sit back and let me do it all for him - he's an adult with a job and he can do it, so he does it because again, that's part of life.

We do support each other though - unless he's not here, he'll do the bins and the recycling and anything that involves him getting his hands dirty, whereas I'll mostly do the food shop and putting laundry away as those are my strengths.

Being neurodivergent might mean life is a bit more difficult but it's not an excuse to just sit back and let someone else take over. If he's high-functioning enough to have a business and a family, he's capable of sorting the washing out, even if it does take him half an hour instead of five minutes.

Yes you’re right, but I just can’t work out if his inability is autism or laziness with certain things!

He’s excellent at dealing with loads of things I absolutely hate such as paying all the bills, sorting out all car / house insurance. He recently sorted our sons PIP application which was successful. He does bins and all the gardening lawn mowing so I then wonder if I’m expecting too much when I ask him to peel some potatoes or put some laundry on.

In the bigger picture he’s certainly not lazy, he’s inflexible with specific tasks, but maybe I just need to accept they will fall under my remit

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vejazzlement · 26/05/2023 08:07

Btw. the one attempt I made at having a job ended badly because of all the stupid and pointless rules involved in working for other people.

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 26/05/2023 08:08

So he works, holds down a job but does absolutely bugger all else because he 'doesn't see it'

This sounds like hell for me, I couldn't cope with working and doing everything else round the house and associated with the kids if there was another grown, capable adult in the house. You're essentially a single parent, and a carer for another adult and you work!

If he won't drive the kids around, does he ever sit and watch their sports or clubs? Is he involved in family holidays or days out?

Freeballing · 26/05/2023 08:09

I think you sound great OP and I empathise with your situation. My dh has asd too and we laugh a lot and have lof fun together but for sure it can be difficult. I think for me I go through phases where I cool with doing most things, understanding of his many needs etc but then there are times when it all feels like a lot. I think it's understandable when you have a caring role for your partner that sometimes it feels overwhelming. I think the same would happen if your partner was in a wheelchair, you would sometimes wonder if you are cut out for caring for them for the rest of your life or just want a day when you don't have to be someone's carer. And that's what it is when you have to do pretty much all of the household tasks for someone that isn't able to, I think lots of people don't think of it that way when they would if your partner was in a wheelchair.

Dh is also quite deaf and sometimes I think ffs when I have to repeat myself over and over, I know I'm a terrible person! We are only human and especially when you have children too sometimes you just feel 'cared out' or sometimes you are just irritated/stressed/gaving a bad month. No-one can be perfect 24/7 in a 20+ year long relationship, sometimes asd posters/parents to asd kids here hold NT partners to impossibly high standards forgetting that NT doesn't mean perfect, doesn't mean we don't have our own issues and not everything comes easily to us either. Caring is hard, whether you are a carer to a partner, a child or a parent.

I can't help you with what is asd and what is lazy because sometimes I have the very same thoughts and it's impossible to know without the person with asd telling you and well that's not going to happen is it? I was going to hang the washing our but then I felt too lazy and thought fuck it the wife will do it when she get home.

EasterBreak · 26/05/2023 08:11

ChaliceinWonderland · 25/05/2023 21:55

Jesus sounds hard going. Like a difficult child with sen needs. Alot of women wouldn't put up with.
Do you fancy him. . How's your sex life?
If I had to tell my dh off, that would be it, I'm afraid....

You did get the part where OP said he is autistic right? He would very likely have been a difficult child with SEN needs through no fault of his own. He has autism.

Original poster

Senzi · 26/05/2023 08:11

vejazzlement · 26/05/2023 08:07

Btw. the one attempt I made at having a job ended badly because of all the stupid and pointless rules involved in working for other people.

Omg this is him 🤣 he’s left every job he had in the past because he refused to follow the stupid rules and will not be told what to do by anyone. By his own admission he’s unmanageable and unemployable! Thank goodness he found a way to work for himself!

OP posts:

Original poster

Senzi · 26/05/2023 08:13

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 26/05/2023 08:08

So he works, holds down a job but does absolutely bugger all else because he 'doesn't see it'

This sounds like hell for me, I couldn't cope with working and doing everything else round the house and associated with the kids if there was another grown, capable adult in the house. You're essentially a single parent, and a carer for another adult and you work!

If he won't drive the kids around, does he ever sit and watch their sports or clubs? Is he involved in family holidays or days out?

Yes he’s always been involved in all the sports days and school plays etc. Although he would not attend if I wasn’t there (I always was there) as he couldn’t cope with the fact that another parent may talk to him. I’m the social interface

OP posts:

diddl · 26/05/2023 08:15

He often says he wouldn’t cope with life without me, but I guess he would have to find a way if I wasn’t around.

Why does he think he wouldn't cope?

Because he has never had to?

He won’t do errands such as pop to the shops, return a parcel to the post office, doesn’t like giving the children lifts,

Has he never wanted to be able to do these things?

Naunet · 26/05/2023 08:17

Senzi · 26/05/2023 07:49

I understand what you’re saying but autism is a very wide spectrum and obviously everyone who has autism has different needs and abilities. My son who’s 16 for example will happily have a go in the kitchen and make different types of meals but can’t cross a busy road as he has no sense of danger.

my husband on the other hand can run a successful business but can’t always empty the dishwasher or hang laundry or peel potatoes. It’s about recognising areas of weakness and offering support- on the other hand I do find this difficult to understand but I don’t have ASD

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That’s not what I’m saying, I’m saying just because someone is autistic, it doesn’t mean they can’t be lazy too.

Naunet · 26/05/2023 08:19

DisquietintheRanks · 26/05/2023 07:49

Not sure what you're arguing here @Naunet . Is it that people with HF autism are not truly disabled, or that the affect of their disability is actually negligible, or that being disabled doesn't actually have any real world consequences? Or that anxiety isn't a common comorbidity with autism, or that it doesn't matter that it is, or - well what exactly?

Yes I'm sure the OPs dh could hang out a wash. I'm not so sure he can regularly do housework, and hold down a job, and be a supportive husband and father and just generally act as if his disability wasn't real and avoid a breakdown but hey, think of the fun they can have together finding out.

What?! None of that, I’m saying people with autism are still people and can be lazy, selfish and have other negative traits just like the rest of us, that have nothing to do with their autism.