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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH completely inflexible

144 replies

Senzi · 25/05/2023 21:37

DH is great (mainly). Kind, honest, funny, dependable, great Dad, works hard to support us financially……

but

I’m struggling with his inflexibility to certain parts of life. He has ASD and struggles with certain tasks which is starting to really annoy me. He won’t do any kind of food preparation, he finds following cooking instructions difficult and gets all flustered. He can just about cope with putting a pizza in the oven if I’m not around. He won’t do errands such as pop to the shops, return a parcel to the post office, doesn’t like giving the children lifts, won’t share his stuff, has to have his ‘own’ toothpaste for example etc. I won’t bore you with all the other

He’s always been like this and I’ve always supported him. However for some reason it’s now irritating me hugely. We both work (him at home, me out) and sometimes I don’t want to come in from work and find the washing machine full of damp clothes, have to think about dinner, tidy up etc.

He’s not lazy, these things just don’t cross his mind. He apologises a lot when I tell him off. He often can’t see the bigger picture with what happens if you don’t do something. (Like laundry doesn’t dry if it’s still in the machine or if you don’t put cans of Tango from the pantry into the fridge then when you want one they’re not cold 🙄) He can’t seem to remember things I’ve reminded him about.

I keep reminding myself overall we’re a good team and to be fair he does loads of stuff I don’t want to do like life admin.

Not sure if IABU to find him such hard work (I sometimes feel like I have an extra child) as I’m sure he can’t really help it. How can I change how I feel and get past this frustration? Or is this just what marriage and family is all about?

OP posts:
Nowdontmakeamess · 25/05/2023 22:19

Rigidity is a pretty central part of being autistic. Have you tried therapy with an autism specialist, either as a couple or individually? Perhaps they could explore strategies or ways to work around the problems. You’ve said you work less hours, so it makes sense for you to do more of the household chores really. And if you don’t want to do so much would he pay for a cleaner? A meal delivery service? Maybe just start with one thing a day that he will agree to (emptying bins, hanging up washing etc). Schedule it for a set time every day eg after lunch and give it a few weeks to become part of his routine. Then add in another small thing and build it up that way. He could have a reminder set up on his phone, or a visual checklist just stuck up in his office. Does he understand how it makes you feel and is he willing to try and help more?

HadalyEve · 25/05/2023 22:20

Senzi · 25/05/2023 22:19

I don’t expect him to do all these things necessarily on the same day as he would be totally overwhelmed with too much information, and they are things which don’t take much time. One day I’ll see don’t forget to hang laundry, or another day, don’t forget to do bins & recycling

Show quote history

Well that is extra confusing for a person with ASD to change the routine with something new everyday.

Remaker · 25/05/2023 22:22

My husband is NT but some things really fluster him. Cooking is one! Microwaving of all things - he wants to be told the exact time to warm anything up and gets into a lather if I say well stick it in for x time then give it a stir, see if it’s hot enough, put it back in for a bit.

He also wouldn’t think to do a lot of household chores, like washing and emptying the cat litter. Just doesn’t notice.

However I am going through cancer treatment at the moment and it has taken some time but he is now doing pretty much everything around the house with just a couple of reminders. So the love and willingness to care for me and the family is there, which is why I married him. He’s also gained a lot of confidence in the kitchen and has enjoyed the experience so that’s something we will carry on with when I’m finished treatment. I think he just assumed that as I was the better cook he should leave it all to me.

The microwave still stresses him out though!

HadalyEve · 25/05/2023 22:22

Perhaps pick one thing to add to the routine he has, say washing up the breakfast dishes and putting them away when dry at lunchtime. And then scaffold so he can gradually get it built into his daily routine.

You can’t throw random different things at him that change every day. That doesn’t work with ASD. He is being set up to fail.

Original poster
Senzi · 25/05/2023 22:23

HadalyEve · 25/05/2023 22:19

So “looks busy even when they are not achieving much” tells me he has to work much harder than a NT person like you to get the same results. Are you honestly accommodating for this? Because I think it would take him more than 5mins to hang laundry.

Show quote history

He can do laundry in 5 minutes ( give or take) I don’t care too much if it takes him 10 minutes or longer, I think he should at least make the effort to try. Sometimes he’ll have no problem with things like this, other days I’ll find the laundry in the basket on the patio on the way to the washing line but he didn’t quite make it because he got distracted. I don’t tell him off when this happens be at least he tried

OP posts:
Original poster
Senzi · 25/05/2023 22:24

Remaker · 25/05/2023 22:22

My husband is NT but some things really fluster him. Cooking is one! Microwaving of all things - he wants to be told the exact time to warm anything up and gets into a lather if I say well stick it in for x time then give it a stir, see if it’s hot enough, put it back in for a bit.

He also wouldn’t think to do a lot of household chores, like washing and emptying the cat litter. Just doesn’t notice.

However I am going through cancer treatment at the moment and it has taken some time but he is now doing pretty much everything around the house with just a couple of reminders. So the love and willingness to care for me and the family is there, which is why I married him. He’s also gained a lot of confidence in the kitchen and has enjoyed the experience so that’s something we will carry on with when I’m finished treatment. I think he just assumed that as I was the better cook he should leave it all to me.

The microwave still stresses him out though!

That’s great, you’ve got him well trained! Good luck with the treatment 🤞

OP posts:
HadalyEve · 25/05/2023 22:26

Senzi · 25/05/2023 22:23

He can do laundry in 5 minutes ( give or take) I don’t care too much if it takes him 10 minutes or longer, I think he should at least make the effort to try. Sometimes he’ll have no problem with things like this, other days I’ll find the laundry in the basket on the patio on the way to the washing line but he didn’t quite make it because he got distracted. I don’t tell him off when this happens be at least he tried

Show quote history

Hmmm, ASD is linked to higher chances of ADHD and abandoning a task like that is a big red flag for ADHD. Perhaps he needs another assessment? ADHD can be medicated and that could be life changing for him (and you) as then he would be better able to focus on instructions, on tasks and so on.

Divebar2021 · 25/05/2023 22:27

i know this is painful but how about a routine that you stick with in the house - eg Monday wash towels, put bins out etc. You could have one of the organisation apps like Cozi which allows you to share calendars, to-do lists and shopping lists etc. You can set it to send a daily email to all the relevant members of the family group. ( my DH is hit or miss about seeing jobs that need doing and he’s NT!)

HadalyEve · 25/05/2023 22:27

I’m saying he might have both ASD and ADHD, it is very common and there is lots of overlap so certain traits like inflexibility, lots of effort not much done are amplified.

Original poster
Senzi · 25/05/2023 22:34

HadalyEve · 25/05/2023 22:27

I’m saying he might have both ASD and ADHD, it is very common and there is lots of overlap so certain traits like inflexibility, lots of effort not much done are amplified.

You’re probably right. I’m really accommodating (mostly) I just need to try and get through this frustration I feel. I’m in need of some new strategies I think. He quite liked the idea of me buying him a treat (cake or something) from the shops on my way home for good behaviour. He did text me one day to tell me he’d emptied the dishwasher and therefore deserved a choux bun so very motivated that day. Maybe I should get him a reward chart 😂

OP posts:
crimsonlake · 25/05/2023 22:37

'I won't bore you with the the bigger picture'... I think you should.

PostItInABook · 25/05/2023 22:55

I have ASD and if I had a partner that ‘told me off’ every time I did or did not do something they wanted I’d probably start to avoid those things even more to avoid being told off and made to feel wrong and useless.

I live on my own, also work from home a lot, and also really struggle with house maintaining. I know I need to put my bin out tomorrow. I also knew last week that I had to put my bin out. I didn’t do it. I’ve told myself repeatedly today. Must put the bin out tomorrow. There’s a 50:50 chance I will actually remember. I also end up leaving washing in the machine unless I set an alarm and even then sometimes it doesn’t get done.

Part of this is because I struggle with task switching. It is very difficult to just stop doing one thing to spend 15 minutes hanging out washing and then go back to the previous task. You can’t understand because you’re not ASD. To you, it’s just annoying and worthy of a telling off. You’re essentially telling him off for having a disability that makes this stuff much more difficult. And yes, some days he might do better than others…….that’s because the ASD profile can change daily. Some days are easier than others. You’re trying to force him into being neurotypical and placing neurotypical expectations onto him…….but he is not neurotypical. So you need to be a bit more understanding and work with him to figure out a solution.

PostItInABook · 25/05/2023 22:57

“He quite liked the idea of me buying him a treat (cake or something) from the shops on my way home for good behaviour”

Yeah. He’s not a child or a dog. I don’t actually think this post is real. It’s just another goady ‘ASD people are horrible’ thread. 🙄

Original poster
Senzi · 25/05/2023 22:57

crimsonlake · 25/05/2023 22:37

'I won't bore you with the the bigger picture'... I think you should.

Really? 🤣 ok

  • He’ll only use hand soap which has the word ‘antibacterial’ on the label
  • he’ll have a slight panic if I deviate the weekly menu, if fish and chips is on the meal planner board and I decide actually I fancy a curry tonight he’ll need an hour or so notice to ‘mentally prepare’
  • His food needs to appear on a specific part of the plate (ie protein too right, carbs top left, veg / salad lower third)
  • He has to have a specific towel that no-one else is allowed to use
  • anything nice to eat such as chocolate or expensive cookies he thinks because he likes them they are his
  • when he buys clothes he buys several of the same item, he has 4 identical navy polo shirts, 3 pairs identical jeans etc. He has at least 5 boxes of brand new identical trainers in case they are suddenly withdrawn from the market
  • i have to tell him every day when I’m back as he gets very anxious if he doesn’t know where I am
  • if we get anything new for the house he must be the first to use it
  • specific pillows on specific side of bed (eg softer pillow must be below firmer pillow)
  • will only drink tea from specific mug which no one else is allowed to use
  • will only wear socks that are ‘air flow’ or cushioned. If ribbing on the top of the sock is too long he can’t wear them.

that’s just off the top of my head! There’s plenty more I’m sure!

OP posts:
Original poster
Senzi · 25/05/2023 22:59

PostItInABook · 25/05/2023 22:57

“He quite liked the idea of me buying him a treat (cake or something) from the shops on my way home for good behaviour”

Yeah. He’s not a child or a dog. I don’t actually think this post is real. It’s just another goady ‘ASD people are horrible’ thread. 🙄

Not at all, just demonstrating he has a great sense of humour and can laugh at his quirks!

OP posts:
Original poster
Senzi · 25/05/2023 23:00

PostItInABook · 25/05/2023 22:57

“He quite liked the idea of me buying him a treat (cake or something) from the shops on my way home for good behaviour”

Yeah. He’s not a child or a dog. I don’t actually think this post is real. It’s just another goady ‘ASD people are horrible’ thread. 🙄

My son also has ASD and he’s far from horrible

OP posts:
PostItInABook · 25/05/2023 23:10

And now you’re mocking the things he does / needs to lessen anxiety and get by in a world not set up for him.

I also do / need a lot of the same things. I have 10 of the exact same t-shirts from Next, just in different colours. It’s what I know, what I like and what I feel comfortable in. Why are these things a problem?

Codlingmoths · 25/05/2023 23:13

Ummm so this would piss me off every single time. To the point of shouting. You need to be a person too in this marriage op and this one is just kind of nasty. anything nice to eat such as chocolate or expensive cookies he thinks because he likes them they are his ?? I mean how does that make you feel? Does he acknowledge that you are allowed treats too? Because this one says you don’t count.
The not giving kids lifts would also be very very difficult to cope with as would the forgetting stuff AND not following lists. Re the home stuff would it be easier for him if it were the same task every Monday etc? So you could have the weekly calendar of tasks and if you setting that up and writing it down meant he wouldn’t follow it because how dare you tell him what to do then he could fuck right off to be honest and he can see the kids when he wants to pick them up and drive them to his because you are freeeeee.

basically yes you can live with his condition but some items are a deal breaker and he needs to work really hard on them. Being able to do life admin is pretty high functioning, I find it endless, exhausting and very hard to do and would have booted my Dh if he couldn’t step up on this, so while it’s a disability he has capacity. Tell him how you’re feeling and that some things in particular really get you down all the time.

Codlingmoths · 25/05/2023 23:15

PostItInABook · 25/05/2023 23:10

And now you’re mocking the things he does / needs to lessen anxiety and get by in a world not set up for him.

I also do / need a lot of the same things. I have 10 of the exact same t-shirts from Next, just in different colours. It’s what I know, what I like and what I feel comfortable in. Why are these things a problem?

Shes not mocking anything. The man has worked out his coping techniques for everything essential or that he wants to do but isn’t working on similar for the household tasks.

Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 25/05/2023 23:15

if we get anything new for the house he must be the first to use it

This sounds somewhat self centred. What about if you wanted something just for you, could you use it first?

Why not suggest that he washes his own washing so he takes full responsibility for his clothes? Then if he doesn't put them out it is only him it affects. You will still end up doing more but gradually shifting over any jobs which directly affect him will help.

Original poster
Senzi · 25/05/2023 23:21

PostItInABook · 25/05/2023 23:10

And now you’re mocking the things he does / needs to lessen anxiety and get by in a world not set up for him.

I also do / need a lot of the same things. I have 10 of the exact same t-shirts from Next, just in different colours. It’s what I know, what I like and what I feel comfortable in. Why are these things a problem?

They’re not a problem? I didn’t say they were a problem

OP posts:
TeaAndTattoos · 25/05/2023 23:25

You do realise that everything your listing as having a problem with is part of his autism that’s how it works they don’t like change and have a set routine/order for everything if you can’t handle it then maybe you should split up because your never going change something that is down to a disability he’s not doing any of this on purpose just to annoy you he can’t help it.

SparklyBlackKitten · 25/05/2023 23:29

Aha

You say even with lists he doesnf do things

"Because he doesnt like being told what to do"

Well there you go

Asd is the explanation
Being lazy and defiant is the excuse

You basically have a grown up kid living in your house.
That is not a marriage
Thats a room mate agreement

Sparkleshine21 · 25/05/2023 23:29

Yeah all of those things you’ve listed are about routine and feeling safe by knowing what to expect. My daughter has autism and I hope she finds a more understanding partner when she grows up than you!

Spiderboy · 25/05/2023 23:29

I am neurodivergent and I wouldn’t leave my OH to do all the grunt work. I have had to come up with a way to make it work within my family. I work better under pressure for example so set a 10/20 minute timer and force myself to look around and do all the jobs that I see - starting with tidying up odd bits and then putting the washing on/putting it on the line etc. I do this 3x a day as I work WFH so take 10 mins in my lunch (usually putting out washing from a load that morning.) I race through it. There are work arounds but only if you are interested in making it work. It is possible to have ADHD and be lazy