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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH completely inflexible

144 replies

Senzi · 25/05/2023 21:37

DH is great (mainly). Kind, honest, funny, dependable, great Dad, works hard to support us financially……

but

I’m struggling with his inflexibility to certain parts of life. He has ASD and struggles with certain tasks which is starting to really annoy me. He won’t do any kind of food preparation, he finds following cooking instructions difficult and gets all flustered. He can just about cope with putting a pizza in the oven if I’m not around. He won’t do errands such as pop to the shops, return a parcel to the post office, doesn’t like giving the children lifts, won’t share his stuff, has to have his ‘own’ toothpaste for example etc. I won’t bore you with all the other

He’s always been like this and I’ve always supported him. However for some reason it’s now irritating me hugely. We both work (him at home, me out) and sometimes I don’t want to come in from work and find the washing machine full of damp clothes, have to think about dinner, tidy up etc.

He’s not lazy, these things just don’t cross his mind. He apologises a lot when I tell him off. He often can’t see the bigger picture with what happens if you don’t do something. (Like laundry doesn’t dry if it’s still in the machine or if you don’t put cans of Tango from the pantry into the fridge then when you want one they’re not cold 🙄) He can’t seem to remember things I’ve reminded him about.

I keep reminding myself overall we’re a good team and to be fair he does loads of stuff I don’t want to do like life admin.

Not sure if IABU to find him such hard work (I sometimes feel like I have an extra child) as I’m sure he can’t really help it. How can I change how I feel and get past this frustration? Or is this just what marriage and family is all about?

OP posts:
Spiderboy · 25/05/2023 23:34

Apologies - ASD

PurpleBugz · 25/05/2023 23:36

I'm autistic. My advice is checklists are your friend. Stick one to the fridge of regular household tasks so he can see the things you would like help doing regularly and be reminded without it being additional mental admin for you to constantly remind him. I have checklists and I manage to run my house.

I do frequently have to put a wash through again though because I've forgotten to hang it. My advice on that one is stick a post-it note next to the kettle or something used regularly throughout the day!

justasking111 · 25/05/2023 23:39

We have a big supply of shopping type pads things to do. We both fill it in for shopping if it's a short list he'll hop on his bike and pick stuff up. Ditto with jobs that need to be done. It's not his list or mine even DS started adding to the lists. He has ADHD, I can be forgetful sometimes. The pads sit on the kitchen worktop with a pen.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B07LCBKPQ2?pd_rd_i=B07LCBKPQ2&pf_rd_p=2d1697a8-8285-4129-ab8a-95df6bc275ed&pf_rd_r=SB8JYPQ8V5DG06PWJNT2&pd_rd_wg=dvFJu&pd_rd_w=A3JMD&pd_rd_r=43652169-ad34-4d52-9233-e742350bb955

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HundredMilesAnHour · 25/05/2023 23:46

Senzi · 25/05/2023 22:03

It does sound like cherry picking to me too, but in the bigger picture he ticks most boxes, I’m just struggling with this complete inflexibility

Show quote history

Actually it sounds to me like he may also have ADHD. A lot of the behaviours you're complaining about are ADHD behaviours. Which he can't help. Because that's how his brain is wired.

Fizzadora · 25/05/2023 23:53

Senzi · 25/05/2023 21:57

He does work hard mostly but he’s also one of these people that looks busy even when they’re achieving not much. It only takes 5 minutes to hang laundry and he works for himself so has complete autonomy

Show quote history

Ha reminds me of the comment our legendary headmistress and RE teacher made in my 3rd year report.
"Dora makes a great show of working but in fact gets little of real value done"
50 years and it still irritates the tits off me😤

Batalax · 25/05/2023 23:57

You need to laminate him a tick list to go through each day.

EL8888 · 26/05/2023 00:04

Spiderboy · 25/05/2023 23:29

I am neurodivergent and I wouldn’t leave my OH to do all the grunt work. I have had to come up with a way to make it work within my family. I work better under pressure for example so set a 10/20 minute timer and force myself to look around and do all the jobs that I see - starting with tidying up odd bits and then putting the washing on/putting it on the line etc. I do this 3x a day as I work WFH so take 10 mins in my lunch (usually putting out washing from a load that morning.) I race through it. There are work arounds but only if you are interested in making it work. It is possible to have ADHD and be lazy

Totally. My husband and l are both neurodivergent but don’t leave the other to do all of the grunt work. We have 7 week old twins and 3 cats so there is a lot of grunt work

Some of the insights about the husband sound like relatively minor quirks. Some of them however, make him sound like an entitled bellend e.g. chocolate or expensive cookies are “his”, any new things he has to use first. Hmm super convenient he’s not territorial about the Aldi biscuits and can’t / won’t cook

Ellie450 · 26/05/2023 00:40

He really sounds like another child you’re having to care for. He’s self-employed? Which of you is the higher earner? I’m afraid that at some point you’re going to have to take stock and decide if this is enough for you, or if you would rather have a more adult relationship with an equal partner as opposed to one where you’re mothering him.

His laziness and refusal to even follow a list are due to him being an arse, not to being autistic. The two are not synonymous and autism should not be used to constantly excuse shit behaviour.

Theroad · 26/05/2023 00:45

Sounds like you picked a defective one Op...

He is lazy by the way. And sexist - "defiant" and won't do what's on his list? The list that you have to write for him because he's a useless shite? Ugh who could be arsed?

Codlingmoths · 26/05/2023 01:42

Sparkleshine21 · 25/05/2023 23:29

Yeah all of those things you’ve listed are about routine and feeling safe by knowing what to expect. My daughter has autism and I hope she finds a more understanding partner when she grows up than you!

All of them? Ooh chocolate slice on the bench, I see it I like it I know I didn’t buy it, but it must be mine?

Londonlassy · 26/05/2023 02:03

HadalyEve · 25/05/2023 22:16

Except she works “fewer hours” and her DH has a disability. So I’m not convinced it is reasonable that a DH with a disability who works more hours than OP should be expected to also do the laundry, tidying up and dinner while OP is out at her job?

Show quote history

I’m neurodivergent. Yes it would be much more comfortable for me after my work day to do other stuff other than chores. Yes I could just leave it to my husband who is neurotypical but how is that ok for him to do the bulk of the house work. Just because I have a disability doesn’t mean I get a free pass in doing all the shitty parts of domesticity. I’m not saying it’s not hard but I want to have a relationship where both partners needs are met because it is meant to be a partnership

TeaAndTattoos · 26/05/2023 02:19

Theroad · 26/05/2023 00:45

Sounds like you picked a defective one Op...

He is lazy by the way. And sexist - "defiant" and won't do what's on his list? The list that you have to write for him because he's a useless shite? Ugh who could be arsed?

A defective one what a horrible way to talk about someone to autism.

TeaAndTattoos · 26/05/2023 02:20

with

namechangealerttt · 26/05/2023 03:36

There is a lot of talk on social media about weaponised incompetence, which it could be but it also describes the way I behave and I have ADHD. It's a sort of running joke with my ADHD pals how many times do you have to rewash a load of laundry before it gets hung out? It is actually exhausting being me.

Doesn't mean you have to put up with it. Marriage a patriarchal construct that serves men, and the belief that we have signed up for life traps women. In general I find women put up with a lot more in trying to serve their vows than men ever do.

I would see a therapist. If your partner is otherwise an all round amazing guy, therapy could help you mindset shift so you can deal with it. Or it may help you realise you have changed as a person and you are no longer happy and will not be happy under current circumstances and you can think about next steps in how you want your life to head.

PerryMenno · 26/05/2023 03:41

Assuming that you are happy overall and have reached a level of acceptance of who and how he is, I can only suggest splitting up the tasks differently.

Work out the things that really need doing that he's hopeless at, like laundry, and do that yourself. Give him all the things that he likes/is good at. Plus the things that don't really matter if they don't get done as you would like them (like putting Tango in the fridge!).

The aim is that it's pretty even, and also that you're both doing tasks independently of each other so you're not constantly relying on him then being disappointed.

someoneisalwaysintheloo · 26/05/2023 04:00

I understand why he was divorced.

He truly can learn some things. He just doesn't want to and knows you'll do it.

Has he had an official diagnosis or had any type of therapy?

AliceOlive · 26/05/2023 04:16

Do you have OCD?

I mean this kindly. Your DH sounds like me, which I understand can be difficult. But your list… that sounds like OCD to me.

Yeahno · 26/05/2023 05:00

It doesn't matter what anyone suggests. He doesn't want to do it, so he won't. It's part of your job. You do all the compromising. You put up or shut up. I suspect he is also the type that when you stop being useful, you're out.

bussteward · 26/05/2023 05:11

Senzi · 25/05/2023 22:12

I agree, I don’t think I’m being unreasonable to expect a few things done whilst I’m at work. It’s not a time issue, he chooses his own working hours, sometimes he’s not even out of bed till 9, sometimes he’s having siesta at 3, sometimes he’ll work until late in the evening or on weekends- depends how he feels and what mood he’s in

Show quote history

Funny how he’s never in the mood to lift a finger round the house, but has the drive and self sufficiency to be employed. How does he manage to do tax returns and run his business? Self care and personal hygiene? Hobbies? Or is it literally only household stuff he somehow can’t manage (because he knows you’ll do it)?

Hellenabe · 26/05/2023 05:19

There is a thread for people married to people who have this trait. Maybe post there for traffic?

DarrellRiversCriminalBehaviourOrder · 26/05/2023 05:26

Senzi · 25/05/2023 21:53

Yes, I have made him lists and sometimes this is effective but sometimes he feels defiant and deliberately won’t do what’s on the list as he doesn’t like being told what to do

Show quote history

So it isn't that it doesn't occur to him. If you make it occur to him, he ignores it out of spite.

And then says he likes you being stern with him?

Sorry, but I would find this all hugely unattractive and off-putting on so many levels. You are definitely not being unreasonable.

Goldbar · 26/05/2023 05:34

I think you need to leave him to feel the consequences of his own actions/inaction for a bit.

For the laundry, I just wouldn't do his laundry for a bit. Do yours and the kids' but not his. He'll put more energy into working out how to do it when it's him that has no clean/dry clothes.

I'd also be tempted to tell him that you've decided you're not cooking anymore, but (assuming your children are old enough) anyone in the family who wants can join a family 'meal club' where they cook twice a week for the family. Otherwise it's fend for yourself from what's in the fridge.

tuvamoodyson · 26/05/2023 05:35

Batalax · 25/05/2023 23:57

You need to laminate him a tick list to go through each day.

He doesn’t like being told what to do…

HadalyEve · 26/05/2023 06:15

Londonlassy · 26/05/2023 02:03

I’m neurodivergent. Yes it would be much more comfortable for me after my work day to do other stuff other than chores. Yes I could just leave it to my husband who is neurotypical but how is that ok for him to do the bulk of the house work. Just because I have a disability doesn’t mean I get a free pass in doing all the shitty parts of domesticity. I’m not saying it’s not hard but I want to have a relationship where both partners needs are met because it is meant to be a partnership

Show quote history

Yes, well that wasn’t what I was suggesting to the OP at all really. Simply that her DH has a recognised disability, that while she is working fewer hours outside the home, he is at home working more hours so there isn’t really time while she is gone for him to be doing work around the house. I made no mention of what they both do together or separately when they are both done with work.

DisquietintheRanks · 26/05/2023 06:35

Another disabled partner who refuses to switch off their disability when it gets irritating and inconvenient. Amazed you put up with it @Senzi I'm sure if he really loved you he'dget out of that wheelchair and mow the lawn be more flexible and less autistic.

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