DH ‘double booking’ constantly

[Justcantsayno]

For some reason this keeps happening. I’ll let dh know my work hours, just out of courtesy in conversation each week . He tells me his. I let honk know if I have any appointments or if he needs to pick up from school or nursery etc etc and write it on the family planner . Add things like family occasions.

EVERY SINGLE TIME he seems to have ‘double booked’ so it’s a case of the day before for example my friends wedding and I’ll mention it and he will say ‘oh but I’m taking mum shopping tomorrow ‘ or I’ll have a nail appt and he will say ‘it’s mums chemo appt tomorrow I said I’ll take her’

Recently we’ve had a lot of times where he’s said yes last minute to cover shifts at work -on days where we had already got something else to do.

I asked him why ? I said you can clearly see in the planner and we discuss so why do you keep double booking ? And then each time expect me to back down and change my plans so you can do whatever you’ve arranged AFTER we’ve already arranged something ? He said he just can’t say no so says yes to everything 🤦‍♀️

I’m just so frustrated trying to work , run an home, look after dc etc means we need to be organised and he’s making things so complicated.

honk - him (Interesting autocorrect !)

Must be annoying for him tbf when he can't go shopping or to the hospital or whatever. He's letting lots of people down here.

No to anyone but you and his children you mean...

What if he was asked to do two fun things on the same day, he would manage to say no to one then...

Do you always back down? If he has no consequences for his actions then obviously he is just going to crack on with his selfish ways...

(in saying that, a chemo appointment very much sounds like something that would take precedence, even with the annoyance of the last minute notice). But presumably the others ended with him cancelling his plans

If your stuff was in the calendar first, do it anyway and he can sort out the shitstorm of what to do with the kids while he's agreed to do another shift or take his mum somewhere.
A few times of being inconvenienced and I guarantee he'll stop doing it! If you bail him out and change your plans, he has no reason to do anything differently.
In short, he's okay with you being inconvenienced.

The only thing I'd put first is his mums chemo if there's no one else able to take her.

Can you take me shopping today?
No bit I can tomorrow as I've got the kids

• that isn't letting people down, it's life.

You expect him to say yes to anything he wants and op to sit at home looking after THEIR kids? What about the people she'd let down if apparently ever not immediately saying yes is so terrible?

99% of the time my stuff is discussed and on the calendar first , but I used to always back down up till about 6 months ago and since stopping it’s really causing issues as I feel me backing down was enabling his behaviour and increasing my workload as I’d have to rearrange things etc.

Ive told him he needs to just stop double booking, if work ask can he cover to say no, if mil wants a lift etc to set to her sorry no to get an Uber

Can you try to stop backing down / rescuing him? When the conflict becomes obvious ask him how he’s going to solve it. Make it really awkward for him.

You've misunderstood me, I'm saying it's annoying for him, that he has to cancel these things once he's found out he can't make them any more. That should stop him double booking anything.

I assume the OP isn't cancelling her plans.

Op is he a thoughtless arse or a controlling one?
Is it that he just doesn't consider yo u and thinks you'll just accommodate, or that he is trying to stop you go ming out?

Can you get a shared planner on your diary. Obv stuff like Mom's chemo, if he's the one taking her, goes on the planner as a priority. Nothing else gets booked in over something else without discussion.

That sounds very frustrating OP (although I'm not sure chemotherapy vs a nail appointment is the best example to illustrate this...)

Are they always thing relating to him mum or is it a more general issue? If they are mostly around his mum, does he have siblings that can step up a bot more?

That was meant to reply to @SleepingStandingUp

Well, he manages to say no to you doesn't he?

He's not being fair. He's not prioritising you or honouring arrangements he's made.

You need to be firm. 'I'm sorry you've agreed to do x, but I'm doing y then so you will need to also pick up the kids, like you agreed.'

And don't back down. He'll soon stop if he's being inconvenienced.

This is the thing there are other people to take her (her DH, SIL) but she seems to be pushing for DH to do it rather than ask anyone else who has less on

If you've told him and written it in a planner then it's his own fault for being unable to manage time effectively!

Does he have a calendar on his phone he can use?

Also if MIL is preferring DH to take her rather than other people who are available, that's absolutely fine. But he needs to manage that - not expect you to be at the last minute rescue!

Is your planner online or on the wall? How does he keep track of all his appointments? The only way we manage not to clash is having a shared google calendar. DH is meticulous at putting stuff in and is very accommodating when it’s me that screws up putting dates it. You’re going to have to sit down together and come up with a strategy that works for you both.

On one occasion he had plans with me and the dc, had agreed to take MIL shopping, had agreed to cover a shift at work as well . Apparently we all asked within 48 hrs of each other so he just says yes as had a couple of weeks to ‘work it out’ except he didn’t

He has plenty of time for himself though he manages to never double book if he’s got golf to go to ……

Is he abusive, controlling or jealous? My friend’s husband does this all the time so did my ex. It is a strategy abusive/insecure/controlling men use to separate you from your network of support.

Take this as a red flag and try to notice if there are other controlling behaviours that have crept in with you noticing (extreme love and clinginess is one of them)

My dh has only 5 days annual leave this year and is using two to bring his mother to a routine hospital check 2.5 hours away

I say nothing (he has three siblings)

so I think the chemo tops all but for other things you need to me unavailable and teach him a lesson really - just walk out

*Well, he manages to say no to you doesn't he?

He's not being fair. He's not prioritising you or honouring arrangements he's made.

You need to be firm. 'I'm sorry you've agreed to do x, but I'm doing y then so you will need to also pick up the kids, like you agreed.'

And don't back down. He'll soon stop if he's being inconvenienced.*

This. But without the word SORRY

Stand up for yourself op. Stop being a doormat!

We have both now one on the kitchen wall and one on back of door plus online calendar

No just horrendously unorganised and can’t say no it seems which is so infuriating

Do you or DC ever take priority?

But he says no to you once he has double booked