DH ‘double booking’ constantly

[Justcantsayno]

For some reason this keeps happening. I’ll let dh know my work hours, just out of courtesy in conversation each week . He tells me his. I let honk know if I have any appointments or if he needs to pick up from school or nursery etc etc and write it on the family planner . Add things like family occasions.

EVERY SINGLE TIME he seems to have ‘double booked’ so it’s a case of the day before for example my friends wedding and I’ll mention it and he will say ‘oh but I’m taking mum shopping tomorrow ‘ or I’ll have a nail appt and he will say ‘it’s mums chemo appt tomorrow I said I’ll take her’

Recently we’ve had a lot of times where he’s said yes last minute to cover shifts at work -on days where we had already got something else to do.

I asked him why ? I said you can clearly see in the planner and we discuss so why do you keep double booking ? And then each time expect me to back down and change my plans so you can do whatever you’ve arranged AFTER we’ve already arranged something ? He said he just can’t say no so says yes to everything 🤦‍♀️

I’m just so frustrated trying to work , run an home, look after dc etc means we need to be organised and he’s making things so complicated.

Does MIL have access to your calendar? Is she deliberately “needing” your DH when an event is scheduled? Just wondering as she is already obviously using the 3pm/6pm school/childcare pickup times very manipulatively to make sure her precious child doesn’t have to bother himself with the “wife work”?

Did you stop at the word chemo and completely miss the actual problem?

Literally no one is saying that his mum’s chemo doesn’t matter. But he should be putting those dates in the shared calendar so the everyone can work around them.

If there’s something already in there when he does that, he needs to speak to his wife and sort things out - as soon as he notices.

But he doesn’t do that. He just waits til
the day or day before and expects the OP to change her plans.

So the chemo thing just becomes yet another example of where the OP has to change the plans she’s made visible to him
on the family calendar because he thinks the OP matters less than he does.

Note he’s not rearranging his golf to take his mum to chemo. Which makes it abundantly clear that this is a male entitlement issue, not a ‘oh you horrible woman’ issue.

Even more so when his mother is berating the OP and making it clear that his wife and children are not her son’s ‘family’, MIL is.

There is no excuse for men who behave like this.

I wish you had never mentioned chemo OP. People are getting all distracted and outraged and missing the point.

Your husband is a selfish dick. I have known a couple of men like this who prioritise everyone over their nuclear family. It’s about being a hero. And it does not end well as the resentment builds up.

The only solution is a wave and a goodbye and carry on with your plans. And ignore the mil who needs firm boundaries. Your husband and mil are making your life difficult and need to stop. Good luck.

Given she started works part time, had own car, lives nearer and had no children, I think op would say this is a SIBLING thing rather than a XX chromosome thing.

I agree the siblings need to do a fair share, which may or may not be even, but this isn't about internalised misogyny or blatant sexism

Him getting arsey is controlling behaviour. He has no right to get arsey over the situation he's created. He's using nastiness as a tactic to bully you into backing down. That's abusive.

MIL is lining him up to be parental carer in old age. All the "poor little me you're the only one who can help me, son" act.

You've married a mummy's boy who won't stand up to her. You and DC are his primary family now not his birth family, you should come first. Instead he's prioritising himself first (golf and work) MIL second and you/DC last.

I'm certain chemotherapy isn't dished out last minute. MIL will know weeks in advance when it is. It can be factored into plans, absolutely no need for last minute cancellation of plans DH has already made. If she's dropping it on him last minute then she's being manipulative too.

My ex used to do this, it was to stop me going out (not even to clubs, just for a meal with friends or for self care etc) He'd turn up hours late and say something came up at work. Or he'd have meetings on the weekend or get suddenly ill when I had plans so he couldn't possibly look after the kids. I missed so much and let my friends and family down because they couldn't rely on me to show up or be on time.

When i finally decided to keep going out anyway despite the drama he blurted out that I shouldn't be going out because I'm with him and we have children and that it made me into a bad mum.

Make sure he's not trying to control you!

Start double booking his golf time

The problem with thoughtlessness is that it slowly but persistently erodes love.

That is deliberately cruel AND controlling. He has the capacity to schedule things, plan and help others but he's choosing not to do that for you, his wife.

That’s because thoughtlessness of that kind is the playing nice for the cameras face of contempt.

It’s also so massively gendered.

You don’t get people dismissing women who treat people this way as ‘thoughtless’. No. They’re selfish bitches.

But when it’s men, we’re all supposed to make excuses and pretend that it was unreasonable to expect them to give a basic consideration to anyone else.

‘He’s just thoughtless’ is a euphemism for ‘he is totally self centred and doesn’t give shit about other people’.

@noblesix ....I could really cry for posters like you,......so totally detached from ANY reality, not least, your existence....

He totally knows what he is putting you though.

May god help you, not seeing that.

Not least your poor children.

Women like you are the horrified quietly abused by a phenomenal level of lack of awareness.

You poor woman.

@noblesix time to start giving him copious helpings of his own medicine, everything he does, do it back to him, obviously you'll have to backdate the payback some to balance things out. Maybe go back 6 years worth of 'thoughtlessness'?

Do you have a family calendar on your phones that you share? We do this. Unless it's written in the diary, it doesn't count. Write EVERYTHING in the diary and share it.

“and write it on the family planner “

it’s not that the op somehow is not communicating things. He knows he can check and coordinate things.

The problem is that he doesn’t care and thinks he’s more important.

Write it on the family planner? Are you kidding?
This man is deliberately not bothering to prioritize his wife and family why should she bother to prioritize him.
She should just carry on as if he doesn't exist, cut him out of every loop.

I was quoting from the OP, where she’s clear that she already is doing what she can to make it easy to coordinate things. She writes things on the family planner that he knows about and can look at before agreeing to things.

You are right, though, that he clearly doesn’t give a fuck about anyone but himself and his golden son image.

It’s just that people are still somehow giving the OP advice about family planners. When she’s already got one. And the problem really, really isn’t her.

Apologies for my unnecessarily abrupt post@IncomingTraffic !
I was a bit triggered by OP's trying to placate & accommodate someone who shows her no consideration (probably because I have been that naïve person- I'm just ranting at my former self really😶)

Shame on you for prioritising your nails over his mother's chemotherapy !

Comprehension is sadly lacking on MN it seems.

He’s bloody annoying. You need a shared electronic calendar so put your things in there . He puts his things in there etc x

Do the op a favour and read the full thread before posting…

So your DH can't say no to anyone except you and his DC and your MIL likes to click her fingers on any day other than a golf day as your DH needs to relax while you perform your wifely and childcare duties?? Chemo or not she has made a crap job of bringing up your DH as he obviously sees you as subservient to him. I couldn't respect a man who had so little respect for me.

Put your foot down. If he has said he will look after DC or you can have the car hold him to it. If you let him say no to you then you will always be bottom of the pile.

@TeaKitten
I can’t see anyone who’s decided that. Many of us just think chemo is more important than nails 🤷‍♀️

Although obviously not more important than golf

Could he be having an affair and using these to cover for it? @Justcantsayno