DH ‘double booking’ constantly

[Justcantsayno]

For some reason this keeps happening. I’ll let dh know my work hours, just out of courtesy in conversation each week . He tells me his. I let honk know if I have any appointments or if he needs to pick up from school or nursery etc etc and write it on the family planner . Add things like family occasions.

EVERY SINGLE TIME he seems to have ‘double booked’ so it’s a case of the day before for example my friends wedding and I’ll mention it and he will say ‘oh but I’m taking mum shopping tomorrow ‘ or I’ll have a nail appt and he will say ‘it’s mums chemo appt tomorrow I said I’ll take her’

Recently we’ve had a lot of times where he’s said yes last minute to cover shifts at work -on days where we had already got something else to do.

I asked him why ? I said you can clearly see in the planner and we discuss so why do you keep double booking ? And then each time expect me to back down and change my plans so you can do whatever you’ve arranged AFTER we’ve already arranged something ? He said he just can’t say no so says yes to everything 🤦‍♀️

I’m just so frustrated trying to work , run an home, look after dc etc means we need to be organised and he’s making things so complicated.

Unfortunately I think it's more than being just thoughtless. I think it's rather a deep lack of respect and care. I think it's the idea that a wife is an object, a service appliance. No matter how many times you remind them that you have an important appointment that day, they "forget." That's because they aren't thinking about it because they do not care about it because they do not care about you. Why? You don't think or care about the needs of an appliance. You don't give up things you want to do for an appliance. An appliance doesn't have needs or wants or the right to be cared for or treated with respect; instead IT serves YOU. "It" may serve other people as well as you, without consideration for whether that affects "it", because that's the function of an appliance.

I think this can be changed if you can find a way to convince him that you are a person, not a service object. But I think it does quite deep damage to the marriage.

I actually have quite a lot of sympathy for the MIL here, because I do think as women get older and become less "useful", that the reality of their being seen as an object starts to show. Unlike a young and healthy wife, who may just sigh and do whatever's needed, even when her DH messes up the schedule or asks too much, a sick MIL cannot do that and does (and should) speak up for her needs. But I think the problem is when the person caring for her, does so by offloading his burdens onto his own wife, for example scheduling to help his mum at times that conflict with his wife's leisure time, but never at times that conflict with his own leisure time.

No, we're not - I'm a man and manage to organise life around my DW and our DC. 😊

He said he just can’t say no so says yes to everything

@Justcantsayno He could say No. He chooses not to

I think you hit the nail on the head there!

YANBU and I'm glad to hear that you've started putting your foot down OP. If you continue to do that, he'll get the message eventually.

I wouldn't pull out of a wedding to take someone to chemo who had 2 other people available to take them!

Messing you around line this and showing no respect for your time, is ltb territory for me. Respect is a really important thing and a spouse shouldn't be expected to just suck it up because their partner has decided at the last minute that being at their mums beck and call is more important, no matter what.

@noblesix of course it's deliberate. He's deliberately letting you know that you and your needs/wants aren't important. A pp got it spot on, he doesn't consider you as a person. He's deliberately creating chaos and uncertainty. It isn't surprising that you are struggling, no-one has your back.

@TeaKitten it's amazing that the MIL never has an appointment that the DH is needed for when he is playing golf

Train him to say, "I'll get back to you." Then he needs to consult with you, and say it doesn't work for him. Or train him to be ever so apologetic and say, "That doesn't work for me, so sorry".

Also, hit him over the head with a frying pan remind him he's already said yes to you when he agreed to the contents of the family planner - does that not count at all in his eyes?

He seems to have no problem saying no to you, in effect. Why are your time and your plans less important than the wishes of people outside the home?

This is a boundary issue. He's not respecting you at all.

Next time he tries to cancel one of your appointments Id tell him you will check when you can change it to, you won't check but you will check when he has golf next booked and say you can swap to then but he has to cancel golf. Then go out for the day. If he tries to fight tell him to tell his mum no and of she complains tell her it's her fault.
Mil and your husband have a very enabling relationship. He needs to grow up and worry about his wife and kids, yeah his mum took but her retired husband needs to be her default. I probably wouldn't be shy in pointing that out to her

I wouldn't put up with this.

What's most telling is his ability to say no, when he's booked doing something he wants to do (golf).

The subtext here is that he CAN manage his time when he wants to, he just thinks he doesn't have to when HIS priorities (which includes pandering to his mother and work) aren't comprised.

Is a matter of respect.

He's demonstrating exactly where the OP and his children are in the pecking order - at the bottom.

It's reminiscent to me of people who never turn up to meet you on time, but are never late for work/flights etc. It's not that they have genuine issues with time management, they simply don't value other people's time as much as their own.

At this juncture I'd lay it on the line and spell out clearly that as annoying as his behaviour is and the OP's ability let him sort his own double booking out, in reality the worst thing here is what he's telling the OP and his children about how little they are valued by him.

A childhood friends father was like this (similar to how a pp described) and their relationship has been very tenuous since she became an adult.

He might was to think about what the future holds in that respect. When he's spent their childhood showing them they are a low priority there's a good chance that sentiment will be repaid back in kind.

You lost me at "she has no DC." Your DH doesn't get a get-out-jail card on account of his breeding status. Agreed the siblings ought to take turns, but this sounds like MIL isn't the only one dumping on women.

No, his obligation is childcare. He has to take care of his children because his wife is unavailable.

It doesn't really matter what she is doing, the fact is that it is his responsibility to ensure childcare is happening once he and his wife have agreed (via the calendar) that she will not be doing it.

Now, whether or not they as a couple decide to prioritise the chemo is completely beside the point. Assuming that your partner will always pick up your slack is disrespectful and infuriating.

Clearly someone who thinks all the H does is ferry people to their chemo appointments...

It's the Mumsnet way!

That’s fair.

honestly @Justcantsayno this isn’t your problem. You need to disengage.
shrug, say ‘oh I guess you’ll have to figure out childcare/work/cancel with mum/whatever and then grey rock.

don’t enable him.

don’t stress about it.

it’s not your problem.

I assume he doesn’t have any cognitive disabilities, that he works etc? In which case he’s capable of using a diary 🤷‍♀️

Many of us just think chemo is more important than nails

In a vacuum possibly. But when there is a myriad of other options, and an opportunity to discuss and reach conclusions much earlier, and when golf is sacrosanct, it's a little grayer.

The only way I can see to make sure OP gets a nail appointment is to schedule one on golf day. MIL treats that as important, as does DH so no one will double book.

So it’s a unilateral obligation only one way?
The idea that someone must look after children do a trivial appointment can go ahead, I stead of that appointment being rescheduled and supporting someone through a highly invasive, weakening and all round horrible medical procedure is so ridiculous. You’ve clearly got no idea what you are talking about. Same case for @TomatoSandwiches - vile ignorance.

if Chemo is so important you’d think he’d remember, check the calendar and say actually mum has an appt I’d like to take her to could you do pick up and I’ll do x later? He’s not doing that, he’s ignoring anything the op has on and assuming he’s a free man and the op will drop everything to facilitate this. Chemo is not the issue here, it happens for everything. And if my mum had chemo, my siblings and I would arrange the appts and who was driving her to suit everyone. We’d plan it and put it in the calendar, because it’s important. Nobody regularly has the hospital call and say oh we’ve got a free chemo slot tomorrow 9am can you come on down? It’s extremely plannable.

Id be arranging for him to take his mum for dinner when he had golf arranged. You of course couldnt say no.

he is being selfish.

Jesus fucking Christ. He would drive me insane. What a complete pain in the arse. What is he thinking??

And as for his mother messaging you saying you should be looking after the kids (so her believed son can run her around as she chooses) when you’re working, what a manipulative thing to do.

People have been blinded by the chemo thing, but even manipulative nightmare MILs can require chemo therapy. It doesn’t automatically make them a better person.

I went through a phase of scheduling difficulties with DH. Not quite like this (not being home when he said he would be, holding up our plans by doing his own thing that took up half the day). In the end, I decided to not inconvenience ourselves over it. We've agreed we leave for an event at 5pm and he's not home? We leave at 5pm and he can work it out. He decides to do his sport well into Saturday so that we can't get to the zoo in decent time? We're going to the zoo and he can miss out. This fixed it. He didn't like missing family outings and got to be a better time keeper when we stopped adjusting around his timetable.

Stop backing down you yourself and when you enter things into the calandar try another system of colour coding the things that are especially important or that you can not change.

That means that there will be sometimes you can compromise and other times he should be abe to.
Other than filling out a planner, you need to talk regularly once or twice per week while having the planner in front of you.

Remind your husband that he should find it hard to say no to you and the family and that he has to be reliable and dependable for the family to operate.

In regards to his mother, how about you take her to an appointmment every now and again so that she gets to know that your husband is not always available.

My exdh used to do this, however I twigged it was actually a form of control.

I'd have an appointment, sometimes work, sometimes personal and he'd suddenly 'double book' me. I also saw that if I was doing something nice for myself, just as I was about to leave he'd suddenly remember that the car tyres needed pumping up, or there was an issue with the car. I remember one day he went to 'sort the car' before I left, and whilst he messed about he left the ignition and lights on, I'm absolutely convinced he was trying to drain the battery so the car wouldn't start. So even if I did force the issue, I was usually late due to some phantom thing that 'had to be done'

You could start booking your 'trip' the day before you're actually due to do it, if he double books simply say 'oh' and then a few hours later you can tell him it's been rescheduled to the following day. If the appointment suddenly changes to the next day, you'll know it's being done deliberately.