DH ‘double booking’ constantly

[Justcantsayno]

For some reason this keeps happening. I’ll let dh know my work hours, just out of courtesy in conversation each week . He tells me his. I let honk know if I have any appointments or if he needs to pick up from school or nursery etc etc and write it on the family planner . Add things like family occasions.

EVERY SINGLE TIME he seems to have ‘double booked’ so it’s a case of the day before for example my friends wedding and I’ll mention it and he will say ‘oh but I’m taking mum shopping tomorrow ‘ or I’ll have a nail appt and he will say ‘it’s mums chemo appt tomorrow I said I’ll take her’

Recently we’ve had a lot of times where he’s said yes last minute to cover shifts at work -on days where we had already got something else to do.

I asked him why ? I said you can clearly see in the planner and we discuss so why do you keep double booking ? And then each time expect me to back down and change my plans so you can do whatever you’ve arranged AFTER we’ve already arranged something ? He said he just can’t say no so says yes to everything 🤦‍♀️

I’m just so frustrated trying to work , run an home, look after dc etc means we need to be organised and he’s making things so complicated.

Only if I point blank refuse to change my plans . Eg he will be the one to do pick up one day but on the morning he will say ‘oh no can’t as have to take mum shopping !’ And I’ve had to say that I will not leave work early to do it he’s got all arsey then I’ll get MIL texting that I should be looking after the kids as he’s busy with his job and his family !

So according to your MIL HIS CHILDREN are not his family? Wow. I'd have had a hard time not going off on her saying that you and the children are his family and should be his priority. Your MiL should be her husband's priority.

Get a family organiser calendar, or do a family calendar on Google Calendar. I do both. If he doesn't put it on the calendar it doesn't happen.

@Catspyjamas17 sounds as if they already do that, it's just that the DH prioritises what he wants to do

Yeah… aren’t they all? Either way he is choosing hurting you over inconveniencing anyone else and that is never good news.

@Catspyjamas17sounds as if they already do that, it's just that the DH prioritises what he wants to do

OP needs to put her foot down then. Either he's in the family and has to be considerate of others and make compromises, or he leaves.

"He can't say no" but he says it to you all the time. He also expects you to sort out his mess. And seeing his mother's attitude I can see where he gets it!

You and the kids should be the priority on his schedule, but you're clearly not. I think this is more of a respect problem than a disorganisation problem.

This!

It's incredibly disrespectful of him.

Although I am very confused by your system that seems to involve two hard copy calendars plus a Google calendar? How on earth does that work? How do you keep them all synchronised?

We have a shared Google calendar that we all (me, DH and DC) use consistently. I couldn't manage with a wall calendar, how do you make arrangements if you're not at home? I have to say it drives me quietly potty when making plans with friends and they say "ooo, I'll just have to check the calendar when I get home". It's 2023 people!!!!

Block your mil from your phone. She can't text you to complain if she's blocked.

Tell dh you won't be cancelling anything that you have put on the calendar, barring an emergency with your children. So if he double books, you don't care what mil or anyone else has to say about it, you will be going ahead with your plans and expect him to accompany you (if it's a wedding or day out with your kids) and if it's a work thing or mil wanting yo go shopping, he'll have to manage the kids.

Be brutal and insistent.

On the day he has golf, get up early and go out, leaving him with the children and then tell him you decided to take your mum shopping, cos that's okay in his world isn't it?

Sounds like you are trying to micro manage his life. I would hate this. Take a step back.m

He sees you as the default carer f9r the kids.

When he has double booked, tell him that hile needs to take his kids as you had agreed that you were busy in that time

Very annoying and feels disrespectful of you.

Is he saying he really struggles with saying no to people? Or is that just an excuse? If its a real struggle (it can be for some people) it might help him to have a pre-rehearsed stock phrase to trot out on autopilot such as "I'm not sure. I'll need to run that by DW to make sure we don't have anything on that day- ill get back to you tomorrow".

And just leave the children at school like luggage?

That said, all of MILs chemo appointments could do to be on your calendar well in advace. Even if someone else is taking her it's good to be aware in case they are ill and have to drop out at the last minute.

How is she micromanaging his life, by expecting him not to book things when he knows she's unavailable to have the kids or when he has a pre existing arrangement with her?

Eg he will be the one to do pick up one day but on the morning he will say ‘oh no can’t as have to take mum shopping !’ And I’ve had to say that I will not leave work early to do it he’s got all arsey then I’ll get MIL texting that I should be looking after the kids as he’s busy with his job and his family !

And then what? Do you back down. I think if you do then you are part of the problem as he will always expect this. Ignore MIL or just send her a thumbs up.

As for him getting aresey - there's a saying - 'Failure to plan on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine'

I can’t get over his mother thinking she is his priority family rather than you and your children. Who the hell does she think she is? What a mummy’s boy.

He has plenty of time for himself though he manages to never double book if he’s got golf to go to ……

So I'd double book him for golf.

Actually I wouldn't but I'd be tempted. What I would do is When, I Feel, Because, Please.

When you double book yourself over family commitments, I feel angry/sad/stressed. Because our shared children are both our responsibilities. Please check the calendar or make other arrangements if you can't say no.

Then stop and se what he says.

On the nail appointment vs chemo thing, I think it's reasonable to reschedule the nails though he should give you as much warning as possible.

More generally, this is shit behaviour and I'm not surprised you are fed up.

If he wanted to do this, he could. He doesn't.

My empathy...

It's so bloody frustrating and tiresome abd unnecessary. Im sure other people just see hin as an easy option as he always says yes.

I grew up with a father who constantly prioritised EVERYONE outside the family.... The lot... Weekends away, us kids birthdays, holidays cancelled atnlast minute.

Always double booked... And then he would NEVER cancel others.. We just had to suck it up...

It was ALL about control and wanting to be seen as an alpha male....

It was truly shit for us.... The feeling we were never considered.

30 plus years later our relationship has never recovered. He wonders why he's not first priority for me.

Do you really want this for your kids??

"Less on" - what than your nail appointment (your example)?

I feel you OP with a DP who no matter how often I told him or where I wrote it down constantly forgot about various appointments. I have resorted to sending meeting calendar requests to his work email (the only diary he seems to obey) which block out the time involved and 30 minutes travel time either side. He has no excuse now as it is there before him in black and white.

Ah I see, I assumed she WAS baking down given it keeps happening. Cross wires