DH ‘double booking’ constantly

[Justcantsayno]

For some reason this keeps happening. I’ll let dh know my work hours, just out of courtesy in conversation each week . He tells me his. I let honk know if I have any appointments or if he needs to pick up from school or nursery etc etc and write it on the family planner . Add things like family occasions.

EVERY SINGLE TIME he seems to have ‘double booked’ so it’s a case of the day before for example my friends wedding and I’ll mention it and he will say ‘oh but I’m taking mum shopping tomorrow ‘ or I’ll have a nail appt and he will say ‘it’s mums chemo appt tomorrow I said I’ll take her’

Recently we’ve had a lot of times where he’s said yes last minute to cover shifts at work -on days where we had already got something else to do.

I asked him why ? I said you can clearly see in the planner and we discuss so why do you keep double booking ? And then each time expect me to back down and change my plans so you can do whatever you’ve arranged AFTER we’ve already arranged something ? He said he just can’t say no so says yes to everything 🤦‍♀️

I’m just so frustrated trying to work , run an home, look after dc etc means we need to be organised and he’s making things so complicated.

She has a dh and still gets her son to take her to chemo instead? My mind is boggling tbh.

It doesn’t matter what his double booking the fact is that he is and expects the op to give in. He needs to check his calendar before he agrees to something or make plans for the children that then don’t inconvenience op meaning she has to stop
what she’s doing because he couldn’t be bothered to check a calendar

Why did you marry someone so unorganised?

OP I think the time has come to do more than simply refuse to accommodate his deliberate over bookings, because he's still doing it.

It's clear that it's because he doesn't mind you being 'inconvenienced' and is happy to make you the one 'responsible' for sorting it out, rather than him to say 'no' to other people.

Now it's time to do more.

It was interesting to note that he never over books when he has golf ?
OK, so now you need to deliberately over book when he has golf !
Just ensure that your 'appointment' starts before his, so you leave the house before him ! Leave him with the kids (preferably it coincides with a 'play date' or a kids party too !) so that he has to cancel his 'plans' last second !
And keep doing it until he is certain that he will never simply say 'yes' to his boss/mother/any other person without checking the damn calendar first !

You're going to have to play him at his own game to force the change, as he's more interested in being 'Mr Popularity' than he is with fitting into his own wife and kids life !

No just horrendously unorganised and can’t say no it seems which is so infuriating

Not true at all- he manages the golf.

Kindly meant OP but he really couldn't care less about you or your children.

Such a deep profound fundamental lack of respect for you.

Doesn't mess up his golf.

He has some fool made of you and you mustn't have any respect for yourself that you would tolerate such treatment.

Truly unbelievable.

God help you that you would remain married to such a total waster.

Your poor children with such a total loser for a father.

You all deserve so much better.

I would want him gone, him and his awful family.

To chemo she needs to ask her own dh first or her daughter and have dh as the third option not the first. Getting an Uber was meant in relation to the shopping

Yeah and if OP hadn’t made it sound as though all of the DPs appointments were last minute overtime and pub maybe I would be more prepared to give her the benefit of the doubt more that she would mention it that way.

DH did this a lot - double or even a few time triple booking despite it all being on wall planner and discussed.

Few years ago I started pushing back and letting him sort of the resultant chaos it did mean he did some insane travel and once had to get his parent to help- and they usually don't.

It happens much less often - and once or twice it has it's had little impact as kids are older are capable of doing/being left themselves - which seem to really take him back and vaguely annoy him.

IL also used to just announce visits or get DH to agree without checking and often found it was really awkward with things we had booked/had to do and often IL were upset things didn't revolve around them- took years but now he checks with me to be sure before saying yes - and if there is something we can all have a discussion about expectations or way round any conflict.

I think she uses the hospital appts almost as an emotional thing to get dh to jump to her aid , she knows that her dh or dd would take her but she prefers for dh to

Sounds like the MIL is the controlling one here...

but she prefers for dh to

TBF some family I can't deal with if I'm ill or upset so perhaps DH is better bet to have around her for appointments - he just needs to talk to you before saying yes so adjustments to plans can be made.

He needs to prioritise his family ie wife and kids over his mother. The MIL clearly doesn't like the OP hence makes it as awkward as possible for him to spend time with them/do family stuff.

YANBU but you need to find a new system.

She can do online shopping when it suits her she seems to suddenly want to go at 3 or 6 pm some days (school or nursery pick up time ) so I feel it’s an engineered situation. I’ve got dh unable to say no to anything and MIL manipulating things and saying I should be dealing with everything child related

Why 3rd option and not second? Why do you get to decide who supports her through chemo? Other than this ridiculous chemo point I’d have been in agreement with you, but this shows you’re argument isn’t as simple as you’ve made it out to be as you are also unreasonable at times.

Does his golf ever conflict with his mother's chemo? Does his work ever conflict with his mother's chemo? What does he do in those cases? I bet he doesn't double-book then.

I agree that chemo takes precedence over many things, but not everything. It does not necessarily take precedence over your work, for example. Even if your appointment is "lower priority," that does not mean you should necessarily have to cancel. Just as he can have golf, you can have your nails done. Both of those are leisure activities. Same priority level! It is unreasonable to expect you can never schedule leisure activities because of her chemo, especially if he is able to schedule leisure activities for himself.

Another factor is that her "need" to have him take her to chemo is only truly a "need to have" if she actually does not have someone else who can take her. However you say she has a husband and another adult child. Either of those people should be able to take her, if your husband cannot. In fact, her husband should be the default person to take her as she should be her husband's top priority, whereas YOU should be YOUR husband's top priority. If she has another ride to chemo, then your husband giving her a ride becomes a "WANT" and no longer a "NEED."

I suspect what she's doing here is showing you that she is a higher priority to him than you are.

I think this sort of thing is rather tricky to manage because if she raised him to believe she comes first, before even his wife or kids, then that value system has its tendrils throughout his psyche. It's subconscious and therefore more difficult to change, because he doesn't even know he's doing it. It's just emotionally what makes him feel like he's doing the right thing.

The golf though, that's just selfishness. And based on the way you say his mother talks to you, suspect that comes from the idea that men are just more important than women, which again, if she raised your dh that way, it's going to be hard to unwind it. However her attitude to men (vs women) may not initially have come from your MIL. It may be something she was taught (or forced to live with) by her father and/or husband. Maybe that's why she doesn't want to ask her husband to take her to chemo - she doesn't want to impinge on his time or effort, or she doesn't want to "overburden" him with her problems. It might be interesting to know if she actually asks her husband for rides to chemo and he says "no" because he thinks her chemo should not take up his time. Does he treat her like her cancer is a burden she has inflicted on him, that prevents her from serving him "properly?" It wouldn't necessarily change your own outlook (you still need to work, should still be able to have a functioning calendar, go to weddings etc) but it might make you less resentful of what she's asking your dh to do, which in turn might allow you to solve the problem by working on its root rather than its symptoms.

@TeaKitten because her daughter may be child-free, unemployed and generally less busy so is more able to take her mother to the hospi.

Because her dh is retired and drives and her dd works part time, lives nearer and drives her own car and has no dc.
We have work and dc and only one car !

I don't think I could feel anything but supportive of someone who wanted to take their mother to a cancer treatment appointment or take the same person shopping. Take the children to your nail appointment or find someone who can come to your house - be supportive. MIL doesn't sound like the controlling one in this situation...

For hospital appointments you are being unreasonable, he can't get them onto the calendar 6 months in advance because he doesn't have them, with shopping it's tricky because he is trying to help his ill mother, but surely the kids can tag along if needed? For nails yabu

Because her son has obligations towards his own wife and kids. Good grief. The first option should be her husband because that's how marriage works. Her son is not her husband and should not be asked to take on a support burden that conflicts with his obligations to his marriage.

Shopping is something that can be rescheduled. Again, why on earth can't her own husband take her shopping, or, even better take OVER the chore of shopping so his wife with cancer doesn't have to do it?

You need a single calendar or single calendar app and anything not in there isn't happening. Standard family rule - if it's not in the diary it's not happening.

That’s why I said SECOND option after her own husband… I agree the husband should be first choice. Glad you agree with me.

All the stuff about the MIL is just distraction.

The issue is - if it's not on the calendar, it isn't happening.

I would say to your DH that there are now two non-negotiable family rules.

1. If it's not on the calendar, it isn't happening
2. if anyone asks you to do something the answer is 'I'll check the calendar' and NOT yes

Once he's checked the calendar, then he can call the person back and say yes/no. And he then needs to write it on the calendar.