DH ‘double booking’ constantly

[Justcantsayno]

For some reason this keeps happening. I’ll let dh know my work hours, just out of courtesy in conversation each week . He tells me his. I let honk know if I have any appointments or if he needs to pick up from school or nursery etc etc and write it on the family planner . Add things like family occasions.

EVERY SINGLE TIME he seems to have ‘double booked’ so it’s a case of the day before for example my friends wedding and I’ll mention it and he will say ‘oh but I’m taking mum shopping tomorrow ‘ or I’ll have a nail appt and he will say ‘it’s mums chemo appt tomorrow I said I’ll take her’

Recently we’ve had a lot of times where he’s said yes last minute to cover shifts at work -on days where we had already got something else to do.

I asked him why ? I said you can clearly see in the planner and we discuss so why do you keep double booking ? And then each time expect me to back down and change my plans so you can do whatever you’ve arranged AFTER we’ve already arranged something ? He said he just can’t say no so says yes to everything 🤦‍♀️

I’m just so frustrated trying to work , run an home, look after dc etc means we need to be organised and he’s making things so complicated.

This!! He needs a rehearsed answer that he gives to other people every time.

The only thing I can think of (and I don't really recommend it as it's petty) is to do the same to him.

Wait until he has golf then the day before suddenly announce he can't go to golf because of and give a reason.

"Less on" - what than your nail appointment (your example)?

Isn't that a snippy little comment. Isn't OP allowed to get her nails don, pre-booked, arranging her time according and asking her DH for cover? She just has to have no frivolous things at all because her twat of a DH can't organise himself?

I can’t believe your MIL’s comment about family. I am generally quite diplomatic, but I would have hit the roof at that and MIL would have known about it 🤬

You both absolutely need to sign up to the online calendar - if it's in the calendar and no one mentions a clash, then that usurps the last minute 'event'

The online calendar saved our marriage.

Do you not drive? I cant understand why his mum's chemo would not actually trump a nail appointment. Surely he takes his mum and you go have your nails done. He doesn't need to attend a nail appointment or is it childcare aspect that needs covering?

However I think the wedding does trump going shopping. Pick your battles.

Quietly book your time out ahead of his next golf slot, then head out away before he realises. Leave him to sort out what it’s like when your partner double books and expects you to sort it out. He’s taking you for granted OP, putting him in your shoes is the only thing to make him take responsibility

You need to ditch the wall planner to reduce ambiguity. Just use the online calendar

The childcare aspect is in the first post.

We do similar as having a personal calendar, a work diary and a kitchen calendar didn't work and stuff got missed.

So everything now goes in our work diaries. If it's not in the diary it's not happening!

When does he play golf? I’d be out the door those times for a little while without announcing it much beforehand. Bye I said I’d take mum to the garden centre. Then after a few rounds of that you’d sit down and say we can both treat each other like we don’t care one bit about them or their work or their commitments, or we can both respect each other. There’s no path here where you carry on treating me like I don’t matter and I say ok honey I won’t book anything for when you are playing golf. If we decide the respect path, then you also need to tell your mum to stop sending me nasty messages.

Chemo v getting your nails done?? or even just taking his sick mother supermarket shopping??

Fuck me, there is no empathy in your posts at all.

And yes, I've been there, with both of my parents with cancer. My DH didn't complain, he just carried on and picked up the slack.

It's really not fun for him.

It's really not a day off for him.

Get over yourself.

Theres always someone who has to twist it..

Chemo - when she is capable of asking a variety of other people, who all have less busy lives, fewer commitments etc, and yet she insists on asking him and asking him at the last minute... yes that is unreasonable.

As long as someone is taking her, it doesn't matter who. She may prefer it to be him, but tough shit, she's a grown up, she can attend with her second or third favourite person instead!

I don't see that the OP says her husband can NEVER do this particular favour - just that there needs to be more notice and as chemo is a regularly scheduled thing not a 'last minute' thing, DH's mum COULD actually ask him far sooner and he could tell her to do that, and it'd be fine!

Taking his Mum to chemo is not unreasonable and that should take priority over things like a nail appointment. However, he should make sure you know in advance so you can make other plans/reschedule the appointment. Maybe the Mum wants him to take him because she feels more comfortable with him there than with another family member. Perhaps she's anxious and he's the one who has the best manner for making her feel more at ease.

However, the rest of it is shit and he's double-booking stuff on purpose. You're going to a friend's wedding, it's in the calendar and he says he's taking his Mum shopping? That's not on at all. He can take her shopping another day/time or ask one of her other relatives to take her.
Do you then cancel your plans because of him? What happens if you try to hold firm? Or does he just walk out anyway and leave you with the kids and therefore having to miss out on whatever you had organized?
What would happen if you just got up and left earlier? So you have a nail appointment at 10.30 and he's said he's taking his mum shopping, so you just get up and leave before he does and then he can't leave because the kids are there?

I was already to vote that you were being reasonable until you explained the double booking was for things like chemo appointments. From experience those can very much get moved around last minute depending on blood counts, and they’re not the kind of thing you put something on public transport from so yes, you are being unreasonable. This is the kind of thing everyone needs to muck in on.

Shame, I was reading on to find out who Honk was!

It really can be a bit of a last minute thing depending on how it’s going actually. Blood counts mean it can suddenly be moved around a week or so in advance.

On that occasion she had asked him 2 days prior apparently whereas we had already arranged he would have the kids that morning. I had to say to him to take them as well as it was in the Easter holidays and he wanted me to cancel my appt so he could take MIL alone but for the last 6 months I’ve not been putting up with this. He just continues to do it though saying he can’t help it he just says yes to everyone

I wouldn’t say to him he can’t take her and obviously it’s more important but she still got her lift it was just he had to take the dc too (this got a comment as well she literally thinks it’s women’s work or men’s work I think and separates jobs accordingly)

There’s definitely that element to it. She makes no secret of the fact she has a favourite child and that she wants to have DH take her to appts/shopping etc rather than her own dh or SIL who are more available

We don't even double book on plans to do nothing. Sometimes even nothing is an activity of value. Did have to train my husband to that one when younger, but now he gets it.

And I'm sure if OP said, "once in a while MIL's chemo gets rescheduled at the last minute and DH knows I have a nail appointment then" she would get her arse handed to her.

But that's not what's happening. He's just expecting to turn his lack of planning into her problem all the time. It's disrespectful.

Get an Uber to chemo because you have a nail appointment? Are you serious?

I would love in her face and say “Exactly- he is busy with his children”

I agree re chemo.

But expecting her to pull out of a wedding last weekend because someone has decided they have to go shopping that day and it can only be with X (op has clarified there's other family) isn't reasonable.

What your suggesting means op having the kids any time she's not in work and never putting any expectations on your partner for any parenting or partnering because his Mom should have full and unfettered access