Leaving newborn alone for 5 mins at a time?

[Birminghambabe]

This might sound ridiculous but I’m a FTM and unsure if I am BU.

If my 4 week old is asleep in our bedroom but I need to do some washing up, have a quick shower etc I leave him for 5 mins at a time (always checking on him every 5 mins). Sometimes if I move him into his Moses downstairs he wakes up so I try and keep him asleep in his crib upstairs.

My friend who is also a mum to a newborn said she could never do that and would just move him even if it disturbs him into the same room as her.

Now as a FTM I’m now paranoid that I shouldn’t be leaving him - someone please tell me if I’m doing this wrong!

I do feel that new Mums are put under such pressure now and it sucks the joy out of everything. You cannot be with your baby 24 hours a day. That is a simple fact - so do not even try - you will drive yourself nuts.

This age is the one time when you CAN leave them easily because they ain't going nowhere! Wait till they are crawling!! - or toddling!! THEN it is hard to leave them.

Those of us with more than one child know that babies have to be left on their own sometimes when attending to their sibling. Babies are programmed to survive and, although there are sadly be times when SIDS occurs, this is very very rare. All you can do is to take sensible precautions ... it is like driving. We know this can be dangerous at times, but we do not stop doing it. It is about balancing risk.

Relax and enjoy that lovely new baby of yours!

I used to shower with DS in his moses basket just outside the door - downstairs bathroom built as an extension on an old house, and with the shower on and a two foot stone wall and the kitchen between us I wouldn't have heard him cry if I'd left him in the living room.

But making a cup of tea/lunch or putting the washing on and hanging it up etc, I'd leave him in the living room. We never had a baby monitor.

On the other hand when he was about 4 months he was left alone in his crib in the bedroom, not even for very long, we were busy as we were moving house and I was in and out of the room. He managed to get his leg stuck between the bars, screamed the place down, and though no actual harm was done to him (no bruise or mark) it was months before I left him alone in the crib again for even a few minutes. And the next time I did he did the same thing again.

Has your friend never heard of a baby monitor. You can’t literally physically be with the baby every minute of the day. It’s unhealthy. If they are safe, asleep & you have a baby monitor with you then crack on with the stuff you need to do.

I know people who are doing as your friend did and they are generally all the ones struggling the most with how difficult it is to look after a baby. I had no issue whatsoever with leaving my baby for 5, 10 minutes to do what I needed to do.

I have had 4 children I think the pressure on mums and the guilt that they try to put on them is unnecessary. No such thing as a perfect parent sorry it doesn't exist. You watching your baby all the time doesn't make you a better parent against another who puts them for a nap in their cot and checks on them.

Bringing your baby to the toilet with you while you have a shit is not nice for them or their nose.

I’m a FTM and I’ve just left my 4 week baby in his Moses basket downstairs asleep so I could wash my hair 🫠

it’s impossible to get anything done if you just watch them sleep 🤦🏻‍♀️
I think small intervals is fine, it’s not like you’re leaving them for elongated periods!

but then again I am a FTM so maybe I’m wrong 😂

I agree with you I struggled big time. I had no support from parents not even advice. Looking back now I could have had a better experience and enjoyed my babies more.

thank you everyone for your comments!

It sounds like it’s quite split on the people who think you shouldn’t leave them for even a min and people who think it’s fine to pop out the room here and there

I also do agree with those saying you risk the baby more every time you take them in the car etc - surely the risk of car accidents is higher than SIDS? Or taking baby out in pram crossing roads etc

What I have realised is that every mum is different and has different views on what is right or wrong! and that is fine

@Cahaco I think that what you said is my overall view on it - small periods I am comfortable with and don’t see an issue with as I still need to get on and do basic bits but anything longer I would take baby with me or wait until DH is home

this!

plus women also deserve a bit of privacy and dignity. It’s not too much to ask to be able to go to toilet alone and have the door closed for some privacy for yourself!

Yeah, I wouldn’t be leaving him for long periods of time to bath or whatever, waiting for my OH for that, but washing my hair. Or doing the dishes is fine IMO x

I couldn't agree more.

I use the toilet alone
I shower alone

If baby is awake and I'm alone, he can wait 5-10 minutes.

Why are you quoting me? When did I say I have a shit in front of my baby???!

Privacy and dignity??? Why on earth would you want privacy and dignity from your 4 week old baby? - they actually come from your naked body! All privacy and dignity goes when you give birth!

For many reasons, but even the NHS guidance says popping to the loo or making a cuppa is acceptable

Popping OUT of the room where baby is sleeping is fine. Popping INTO the room where baby is sleeping is different.

Firstly, is OP setting an alarm to know it's 5mins? Or is she going in when she remembers and it could be more like 15mins?

The reason you shouldn't leave a baby is not in case you miss them crying. It's about being in tune with them, noticing their cues and checking their breathing etc. It's also for the baby who uses your breathing to regulate theirs. Holding them in a carrier is even better as they use your heartbeat to time theirs too.

Nothing is going to happen to your baby if you leave them for 15 minutes vs 5.

Nothing.

The increase in risk is so incredibly miniscule you could not even calculate it.

Popping in and out while they nap is not the same thing as leaving them in their own room to sleep overnight for 8+ hours.

And even putting them in own room overnight is a small difference in risk - the overall SIDS rate is around 0.03% - if you have a healthy, full term, normal weight baby with non-smoking parents and you're following every other guideline (dressing, flat surface, sleep on back) it will be even lower than that.

YES be aware of the guidance, but there is no sense in letting fear of SIDS rule your life.

TRIGGER
Only two weeks ago a family friend of ours lost her baby on the 3rd day of its life baby wasn’t breathing well in the night and sadly passed away. It’s too soon to know why, I know we can’t let the fear of SIDS rule and who knows if anything would be different for this family (it happened in the night and the mum got up to check the baby who was struggling with breathing) but I now would say don’t leave your baby alone. It is possible to bring like the carrier for the Moses basket to outside the bathroom etc. I know there is no answer for my friend and it wouldn’t have made any difference as they didn’t leave baby alone. Baby was in the same room as them.

@SapphireStar77

i dunno I just think that privacy and dignity are just basic human needs/rights and that doesn’t stop just because you give birth and become a mother. You’re not just a vessel, you’re still a person. I think a lot of people lose sight of that which is why there are such deficits in maternal health care.

Sorry to hear this, how awful xx

That's a very sad story, although, as you point out, they were with their baby the whole time. I think most mums would do pretty much anything for their baby, and to me it seems that guidance tends to take advantage of that, sometimes to the detriment of the mother's mental health. As someone pointed out upthread, when you become a mum, you don't stop being a person. You aren't just a vessel. But I feel that sometimes medical guidance for mothers expects mothers to go to any lengths, no matter how burdensome on the mother, and fails to incorporate sufficient attention to the welfare of the mother. I see that on this thread there is a split between mums who think it's ok to leave your baby for a few minutes to go to the bathroom or have a shower or something to eat, and those who think that's not ok. I guess I would ask those who think it's not ok, what is a woman supposed to do if her baby is a poor sleeper who wakes when you move him? Suppose she has just gotten him down for a nap and needs to go to the bathroom. Is she supposed to move him even if it means waking him, even if it means she'll have to start over with rocking him for another couple hours?

I feel really sad for young mums. It was hard enough when I had my kids, over a decade ago, and it feels like guidance has become even more burdensome on women since then.

Hugs to all of you. Take care of yourselves, you matter too!

Every 5 minutes your gona exhaust yourself...baby monitors are fairly reasonable to buy and more than did me with our newest the twins and a single

I think the mental health of new mothers is being risked to prevent a very rare but dreadful occurrence.

@CremeEggsForBreakfast No definitely not 15 mins - 5 mins or less. I hardly leave him I just posted this about the few times a day I need to make a tea/lunch or use the bathroom

@SapphireStar77 You asked when so I am responding at Yesterday 22:11 "well I used to be able to keep an eye on my babies whilst using the loo."

Your poor babies what you subjected them to I hope the poos weren't that smelly.