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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Tricky situation

331 replies

Blondewithredlips · 24/05/2023 23:21

My Ex-H and I have grown up children. I have not seen or been in contact with him for years.
Unfortunately I will see him at an important celebration for one of the children. I booked a restaurant for myself and children and said I would pay as a treat.
It looks like he will be coming along too. He has form for being mean with money and contributed very little financially to the children.
How do I make sure he pays for his own meal and drinks without making things awkward. Don't care about his feelings...

OP posts:
Starlightstarbright1 · 26/05/2023 18:29

I would tell Dc who invited him
to make it clear . Also announce when ordering you want a bill for you and Dc . Will make it crystal clear

ttcat37 · 26/05/2023 18:31

I’d sit there hoping that the waiting staff have that underlying expectation that ‘the man’ is footing the bill and see how he deals with it. When he gets handed the bill say “oh that’s a lovely gesture for dc’s birthday. Don’t worry about me, I’ll pay for myself, you just cover yourself and the children ☺️”

AllyArty · 26/05/2023 18:41

Corner him at the start and say thank you for going 50/50 with me on the evening, the children we’re worried that I might have to pay for everything. Nothing worse than meanness is there?

BomDiaTudo · 26/05/2023 18:41

Look up average costs and pop him a message before ‘did you want to send me the money now or we split the bill at the table?’

audrey01 · 26/05/2023 18:53

I haven’t read the whole thread (apologies) but in my opinion, your response depends on what you are trying to achieve from this tricky situation:

  1. do you want your dearest DC to enjoy their graduation celebrations on the day?
  2. or do you want to teach your ex-H a lesson and show him (and to an extent your DCs) that you will not be putting up with his antics?

To me it’s clear - you agreed for the ex-H to attend the meal celebrations at the DC’s request, in a bid for your DC to be happy to have both parents there for their big day.

Your husband is not likely to start behaving differently than what you know, so that means he is likely not going to pay for his share of the meal/drinks whatever way you look at it. Yes, you can tell him in advance, or the restaurant on the day, or come up with other ways to make him embarrassed to pay, but really - you should be prepared that you are going to cover his costs as well if you want to avoid spoiling your DC’s big day celebrations.

On this occasion and the fact that you already indicated that you are fine with him attending and you are organising the whole lot, I would be the bigger person and focus my energy on my DCs only. And for the future, I will consider having two meal celebrations so that I don’t put yourself in another tricky situation like this.

Hayliebells · 26/05/2023 18:58

determinedtomakethiswork · 24/05/2023 23:39

You could say to the waiter, we're doing separate checks. I'll pay for myself and the kids. Then just order. Hand the menu back and smile.

Yes, I think this is the best option. Make it very clear at the start of the evening to the restaurant that you want two separate bills, and he's not to add anything to your bill, that you're not paying for his drinks etc. At the end of the meal, you get your bill, he gets his. If the waiting staff add anything of his to your bill, ask them to remove it.

user1471538283 · 26/05/2023 19:04

Tell the server at the beginning that you are having separate checks, you and your DC and he has his. Do not let him get away with adding anything to yours. If he doesn't like it he can leave.

Hell would freeze over before I paid for my ex. Like yours he has never contributed to my DS.

dizzygirl1 · 26/05/2023 19:07

Could you put the menu out in your family what's app and ask them to forward to their dad - to plan their meal and check the prices or something along those lines? With the same suggestion PP have used about all paying for own meals.
E.g
'Hi all here is the menu for XXX restaurant, as agreed we'll all pay our own meals and I'll pay for 'Joes for the celebration '
They can forward on to dad with the same caveats

evian76 · 26/05/2023 19:10

It might be nice if he treated you all!

Crumpleton · 26/05/2023 19:10

Hopefully he doesn't think that being invited as a guest also means that the meal is being paid for.

Blancmangemouse · 26/05/2023 19:11

@Blondewithredlips

Say you’ll each pay for what you’ve had, then transfer the money over to your children afterwards. Or, transfer them £30 each in advance to cover it.

MarvelMrs · 26/05/2023 19:17

Tell the DC in advance that you will be
covering their bill so they don’t need to worry. Then ask for the bill, divide at the table by 6 and
then when he hands over his card or cash for his sixth then pay the rest.
Or if you think that will get complicated just tell the DC in advance to pay for themselves and you then transfer them the money back as soon as you get home. It’s so easy and quick to transfer online that they will have the money back immediately.

tolerable · 26/05/2023 19:21

look at you...look at him.
forget that.child whos celebration wants him there. just pay.
let child who depends on him for sod all have their moment...
spoze could emergency bail out before bill/leave him to settle...but at this late stage....can you indicate before table service..ok.. "drinks paid individually"(even if you settle everyone elses//)please can we have jug of water...
i know its shit.
hope you can actual celebrate too tho..

RachaelN · 26/05/2023 19:23

Personally I would have a conversation with your children and explain that you are very uncomfortable with being near him.
I have an ex that was abusive. Appart from future weddings I will never be near him willingly.

Nanny0gg · 26/05/2023 19:23

Blondewithredlips · 24/05/2023 23:43

My finances would never be able to stretch to the amount he would drink even if I could stomach it.

Show quote history

Just tell the waiter when you're there that his bill is to be separate.

Then watch his face when he gets it at the end and realises you're not paying!

Nanny0gg · 26/05/2023 19:25

Littlebluebellwoods · 25/05/2023 18:22

Please don’t do this. It’s your kids graduation. Don’t make it awkward. Just text him in advance and tell him ‘for info, I will pay for me and the kids but you will need to pay for himself, which I’m sure you planned to do “

and leave it there. The kids have had enough drama. They don’t need any more awkwardness. And the idea of getting 6 bills and reimbursing them all is ludicrous.

Show quote history

Who exactly, is making it awkward?

Hint: It's not the OP...

Happygirl79 · 26/05/2023 19:32

Nutterjacks · 24/05/2023 23:52

When the bill comes, casually say,

shall we go 50-50 and treat the kids?

This

Thack · 26/05/2023 19:33

A note to be careful with tipping (sorry if it's been said already).

If everyone pays by card then whoever pays last might use the tip value to subsidise their own meal.
Tip in cash once all payments are complete, to be safe.

drpet49 · 26/05/2023 19:35

Notimeforaname · 24/05/2023 23:23

You tell him, clearly, beforehand that he pays for his own meal.

Then when its time for the bill, you ask for two separate bills. One for him, one for you and your kids. Done.

This

raincamepouringdown · 26/05/2023 19:39

TomatoSandwiches · 24/05/2023 23:38

Tell them to inform their father he needs to bring money to cover his share.
If your child asks why then enlighten them as to how little he contributed to their financial needs as children and paying for him is a red line you are not willing to cross.

Show quote history

Agree.

make it clear you will of course be civil so as not to cause a scene, but you won't be paying for his presence after you have paid for everything while he pissed off and left you all to it.

Theyreallydidaskthat · 26/05/2023 19:48

I wouldn't make him pay up front because he could still spend more that he has given you. Keep the bills separate although the alcohol will by much more difficult to split. You need to think how to split that.

Ponderosamum · 26/05/2023 19:52

I would tell him upfront, as you said quietly at the beginning of the meal that there will be 2 bills, one his, one yours as you are not paying for him and neither is anybody else. If he doesn't want to pay then he should leave and not participate.
OP, You dont want to go through the whole meal with this winding you up and wondering what he will do. Just tell him these are the terms on which he attends, tell him you havent invited him your child has, your generosity is for your children only, it does not stretch to him.

Rumplestrumpet · 26/05/2023 20:08

For all those saying "he shouldn't be invited" - probably right, but I remember how happy I was to have both my parents at my graduation, and I was very grateful to my mum for putting up with Dad (her ex) at the meal afterwards.

I don't actually remember who paid now though, but they probably split it 50/50.

Well done OP for being the bigger person. But absolutely make sure he pays his way this time at least!

Gymmum82 · 26/05/2023 20:09

I’d wait for the bill at the end. Then in front of everyone say ‘are we splitting it 50/50 as our treat to the children?’
Make him say in front of his kids that he doesn’t want to pay for them. Then if he says no. Say ok I’ll pay me and the kids then as usual and you just pay for yourself

snowydays10 · 26/05/2023 20:16

I would ask him when the bill comes if he is happy to split it otherwise take the high road and pay for everyone. You look like the bigger person and a good example to your children that you rise above the drama.