Tricky situation

[Blondewithredlips]

My Ex-H and I have grown up children. I have not seen or been in contact with him for years.
Unfortunately I will see him at an important celebration for one of the children. I booked a restaurant for myself and children and said I would pay as a treat.
It looks like he will be coming along too. He has form for being mean with money and contributed very little financially to the children.
How do I make sure he pays for his own meal and drinks without making things awkward. Don't care about his feelings...

The problem is it sounds like you are making the meal all about the beef you have with your Ex H (which may well be legitimate) and not about the actual celebration itself.

So you run the risk of turning the celebration into a mess because your Ex. H is an arsehole. How that will pan out, whether your kids will blame you or your ex. H for it is hard to determine.

I'd ask myself the question whether it's really worth it.

You can come up with all sorts of ways to separate out the costs and the restuarant will almost certainly accommodate you. For example you could ask the restaurant to do a set menu for a set number at a set price and pay in advance. But probably anything you do is likely to lead to some confrontation if your Ex. H is as tight fisted as you say he is, and that confrontation is likely to bring the celebration down.

I would probably pay, and have a quiet word with your kids that in the future if they want to celebrate with their father separately then that's fine but not together with you.

Apologises if this has already been suggested, but when the bill comes, divide the figure between number of people present then work out his share. So if there's six of you, ask him for a sixth, then you cover the rest. Tell the waiter the exact amount you're paying when you hand over your card and then point him towards your ex to settle the rest. Hopefully he won't argue with that.

I think you're possibly correct quite correct about confrontation being unavoidable eg OP advises ex in advance of travel to event that she won't pay, he might turn around and say to DC oh, i can't afford it now so can't come. OP advises on night, some sort of scene or atmosphere spoils the evening.

I like this idea

If he told DC he could not afford the meal they would not believe him as he is not struggling financially.

I know you say you're all only in the city for a few hours - any wiggle room on that? Have a wetherspoons type lunch with him (they have an app, so he can order and pay for himself like a big boy) and pretend that you're all finishing at 3pm but then go for an afternoon tea somewhere fancy just the three of you? Intersperse it with a trip to a museum or film if you like. I don't even think that needs to be kept a secret, it'll just be "Oh this has been lovely hasn't it, now I've booked a table for me and the girls for afternoon tea for later on so we need to go, cheerio!"

That’s still leaves you paying for his excessive booze.

I don’t live in UK but did travel regularly for work there. We separated checks all the time. It was never a big deal.

But DC might not know the ins and outs of his finances. Who knows really! But it's a rubbish situation for OP in any event. If I was in their place I would massively resent paying for the ex.

I think in a celebration situation to mark a DC's significant birthday I would suck up the excessive booze. The DCs might drink a lot too!

It is a graduation ceremony so no flexibility with times etc

I actually think that’s a brilliant idea. What do you think your adult kids would say about that, @Blondewithredlips ?

What do you think your ex would do?

"Are you just paying for yourself or are you splitting the dc's meals with me?"

Sounds like a great idea. Will talk to them about it. Also may stop him making the bill excessive.

I think you need to be prepared that he will forget his wallet on the night.

At least it will be out in the open. None of the children will believe him.

True. How have you decided to handle it?

I like the idea of saying before ordering that everyone will be paying for themselves and I will reimburse them. It will probably act as a deterrent as he won't want to embarrass himself in front of his children or drive up the bill as I doubt he would do that if children paying. If he forgets his wallet I will ask one of the children to pay his share and he should pay them back if not I will give them the money for his share.
I don't want any hassle but want to try my hardest not to be cheated.

When you get the bill take a quick look at it and say £50 (or whatever) should cover yours exh, give or take-I'll pick up the bill for the kids and I-unless you want to go halves on the lot? And then don't fill the silence that follows until he gets his purse out.

will ask one of the children to pay his share and he should pay them back if not I will give them the money for his share

Is your child likely to say to their dad-‘won’t worry about it, mum will give me the money back’…?

Luckily no as we have all suffered due to his lack of financial contribution and meaness. They love him but under no illusion about how disgusting he has been to me regarding financial stress which is still ongoing.

I don't think your child that is celebrating is actually that lovely, I would never do this to my mother and we've had a very difficult relationship but I have known she was the better parent and sacrificed more than my sperm donor did.

You've obviously been an amazing mother to them.

It's her DC's graduation. That's a huge deal so of course they want to celebrate with both parents there. It's not their fault their parents don't get on.

OP - as someone whose husband has only recently started paying £36 per month CMS (pur daughter is now 13 and we divorced when she was a baby) - I completely sympathise with you and there is NO WAY IN HELL I would pay a penny for him. Tell the waiter beforehand that you are splitting the bill 50/50. when it's time for the bill, hide in the loo 😅

I can understand your DC being put in a difficult position, they know what their father is but still have a love for him because he's their father. I think that's a testament to the way you've brought them up. Of course, as adults, they may revise their opinions and relationship with him going forward, but for now they want to include him in the celebration.

By the same token I understand you not wishing to part with even a penny for his enjoyment and you're made of sterner stuff than me to sit at the same table with him.

Plenty of good suggestions, but what I would say is that he sounds extremely likely to pull some kind of stunt that will still leave you footing his bill. As DC invited him I would say they have to inform him that he will be responsible for his own bill for whatever he consumes. DC should make it very clear that if there's a 'forgotten wallet' he will be on his own. 100% get this done in advance of the event.

If any of the DC are short of money to lay out, give them £X per head in advance and tell them if it doesn't cover their check you'll balance it after the event. And, good luck @Blondewithredlips

You mean it's not ops fault that the father of her children is financially abusive and one of their children knowingly is subjecting op to his presence and possibly making it so he can abuse her financially again.....