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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Tricky situation

331 replies

Blondewithredlips · 24/05/2023 23:21

My Ex-H and I have grown up children. I have not seen or been in contact with him for years.
Unfortunately I will see him at an important celebration for one of the children. I booked a restaurant for myself and children and said I would pay as a treat.
It looks like he will be coming along too. He has form for being mean with money and contributed very little financially to the children.
How do I make sure he pays for his own meal and drinks without making things awkward. Don't care about his feelings...

OP posts:
AliceOlive · 25/05/2023 18:12

TomatoSandwiches · 25/05/2023 18:06

You mean it's not ops fault that the father of her children is financially abusive and one of their children knowingly is subjecting op to his presence and possibly making it so he can abuse her financially again.....

Show quote history

This is utter bullshit.

Not even getting into because you are setting up a situation to pit a mother against her children. But you need to give her head a wobble.

TomatoSandwiches · 25/05/2023 18:20

AliceOlive · 25/05/2023 18:12

This is utter bullshit.

Not even getting into because you are setting up a situation to pit a mother against her children. But you need to give her head a wobble.

Show quote history

It is very much the truth of the situation.

Behaving like you would means men like the ops ex get away with shitty abusive and neglectful behaviour.

One day the adult child celebrating will apologise for forcing this.

Littlebluebellwoods · 25/05/2023 18:22

Blondewithredlips · 25/05/2023 15:51

I like the idea of saying before ordering that everyone will be paying for themselves and I will reimburse them. It will probably act as a deterrent as he won't want to embarrass himself in front of his children or drive up the bill as I doubt he would do that if children paying. If he forgets his wallet I will ask one of the children to pay his share and he should pay them back if not I will give them the money for his share.
I don't want any hassle but want to try my hardest not to be cheated.

Please don’t do this. It’s your kids graduation. Don’t make it awkward. Just text him in advance and tell him ‘for info, I will pay for me and the kids but you will need to pay for himself, which I’m sure you planned to do “

and leave it there. The kids have had enough drama. They don’t need any more awkwardness. And the idea of getting 6 bills and reimbursing them all is ludicrous.

Willyoujustbequiet · 25/05/2023 18:26

saltinesandcoffeecups · 24/05/2023 23:23

I don’t think you can do this without coming across as petty. Honestly you haven’t seen him in years and this is a celebration (I’m guessing for one of your kids). Just pay and don’t cause drama.

Its not petty to set boundaries.

And regardless he clearly didn't care about being seen as a deadbeat dad.

Original poster
Blondewithredlips · 25/05/2023 18:27

My child did ask me if I would be ok with ex being at graduation before they invited ex and I said I would be ok. I just want to minimise the chances of him getting away with not paying his way and don't want a drama.

OP posts:
Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 25/05/2023 18:30

Just be careful. If he's forewarned that he's going to have to pay for his own share, but you are paying for the kids, he might just pull the 'just going to nip to the loo' thing at the end of the meal but before the bill arrives, then slope off, neatly leaving you and the kids with his portion also to pay for.

He sounds like the type to do this.

TomatoSandwiches · 25/05/2023 18:30

Blondewithredlips · 25/05/2023 18:27

My child did ask me if I would be ok with ex being at graduation before they invited ex and I said I would be ok. I just want to minimise the chances of him getting away with not paying his way and don't want a drama.

I think it is more than reasonable to put the explanation of financial expectations on your adult child who wants him there then.
Just reiterate at the restaurant before ordering you will need separate bills.
Remember if he " forgets his wallet " the drama is not caused by you, you've already been gracious enough to agree having him there.

Puppers · 25/05/2023 18:57

TomatoSandwiches · 25/05/2023 18:20

It is very much the truth of the situation.

Behaving like you would means men like the ops ex get away with shitty abusive and neglectful behaviour.

One day the adult child celebrating will apologise for forcing this.

Show quote history

DC hasn't forced anything. OP says DC asked and OP said it was OK.

What silliness - and arrogance to boot - to try and tell a mother that she's wrong about the character of her adult child and that you, a complete stranger on an internet forum, know better.

SirVixofVixHall · 25/05/2023 19:04

FurElise · 25/05/2023 06:36

When the bill comes just say "would you like to cover half or just your own?" Covers the issue and, if he just pays his own, makes him look like a mean asshole in front of his kids. Mission accomplished.

Excellent idea.

martinisforeveryone · 25/05/2023 19:06

@Littlebluebellwoods as per my post I suggested giving DC money in advance if splitting the bill is the way the OP wants to go. Bill arrives, host announces £X so split Y ways we all chip in £Z. Money goes in the pot. Very common. If card payments only at the venue, whoever puts their card down takes the cash pot.

AliceOlive · 25/05/2023 19:06

TomatoSandwiches · 25/05/2023 18:20

It is very much the truth of the situation.

Behaving like you would means men like the ops ex get away with shitty abusive and neglectful behaviour.

One day the adult child celebrating will apologise for forcing this.

Show quote history

Nice goading. Sell it somewhere else.

WhotheHellisEdgar · 25/05/2023 19:37

I agree with asking for a split bill, just make sure he pays for all his own drinks too.

Blogswife · 25/05/2023 19:43

I would say at the beginning ( with a big smile on your face ). Would you like to go 50/50 or would you prefer to just pay for yourself ?
Then ask the waiter for a separate bill for his share .

Longtimelurkerfinallyposts · 25/05/2023 20:08

So your 'lovely' child asked you if you were ok with your selfish, financially-abusive ex-DH attending their graduation ceremony? and you said yes. Fair enough. But does your ex really need to come along to the meal as well? Why would your DC want to put you through that? Why can't they meet up with their dad eg for brunch (or just coffee/ a drink) before the ceremony? Sitting in a large hall watching your child go up on-stage to collect their certificate is very different to sitting around a relatively small dinner table together, and presumably it'd be a lot easier to deal with him there?

aquashiv · 25/05/2023 20:17

Just tell him discreetly you can pay for yourself OK.

coconutpie · 25/05/2023 20:29

Longtimelurkerfinallyposts · 25/05/2023 20:08

So your 'lovely' child asked you if you were ok with your selfish, financially-abusive ex-DH attending their graduation ceremony? and you said yes. Fair enough. But does your ex really need to come along to the meal as well? Why would your DC want to put you through that? Why can't they meet up with their dad eg for brunch (or just coffee/ a drink) before the ceremony? Sitting in a large hall watching your child go up on-stage to collect their certificate is very different to sitting around a relatively small dinner table together, and presumably it'd be a lot easier to deal with him there?

All of this.

Original poster
Blondewithredlips · 25/05/2023 22:11

Honestly I am prepared to put up with ex so DC can have both parents at their graduation. I am just not prepared to pay for his meal.

OP posts:
Forgottenmypasswordagain · 25/05/2023 22:56

Well he would not be invited if it were my ex. I would never have this problem.

Bellaboo01 · 26/05/2023 09:13

Is this going to be a 'fun meal/celebration' anyway, but, obviously you have to go ahead with this as your DC has requested it.

Many parents who aren't together get on or are at least civil and can and do go out for dinner when there is a special occasion BUT, it doesn't sound like this is going to be the celebratory meal that your child is hoping for with laughs and chatting whilst having dinner altogether as a family.

Sounds like your ex is awful and sounds like you have a great relationship with your children and have been a great Mum so it's a shame that instead of worrying about 'what to wear' you are having to worry about 'your ex'.

Maybe at a later date you can organise a 'celebratory' shindig with all the people that have been involved/family/DC's friends etc without the worry of your ex.

I know this probably wont happen but, is there any danger of him just 'picking up the whole bill' as that is exactly what my ex would do!?

Original poster
Blondewithredlips · 26/05/2023 15:30

Unfortunately no chance of him paying. Good idea about another celebration in the future without him there.

OP posts:
IsobelElsie123 · 26/05/2023 17:42

Yes - I agree, tell him in advance how the split will work. If he is anything like my ex it will mean he won’t turn up.

Louiseb85 · 26/05/2023 17:59

Either ask for your bill to be separate at the start or when they give you the bill tell him to pay for his and you'll pay the rest

ensayers · 26/05/2023 18:13

Be careful, he might say he'll pay his share but then might scarper leaving you with the whole bill, or the option of a confrontation with the staff,all just because he's petty... the tables booked in your name. They'll expect somebody to pay it!

Allwelcone · 26/05/2023 18:15

When the bill comes say "I agreed to pay mine and the kids share if you get the rest?" And quickly put whatever in the card machine/on the table, and have a long conversation with one of the kids while he sorts the rest out if he threatens calculators etc. So boring.
Grab your handbag and casually get up after 5 minutes...
Just make it look easy.

Isinglass20 · 26/05/2023 18:22

I think I’d be asking DC why they want their ex-DF at a celebration which will be awkward/cool/ or worse when drink taken a stand-up row. It won’t be a ‘celebration’.
Has DC some daft idea that the ex-parents will suddenly be able to ‘get on’.
I think an honest conversation is needed with DC

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