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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Tricky situation

331 replies

Blondewithredlips · 24/05/2023 23:21

My Ex-H and I have grown up children. I have not seen or been in contact with him for years.
Unfortunately I will see him at an important celebration for one of the children. I booked a restaurant for myself and children and said I would pay as a treat.
It looks like he will be coming along too. He has form for being mean with money and contributed very little financially to the children.
How do I make sure he pays for his own meal and drinks without making things awkward. Don't care about his feelings...

OP posts:
Theyreallydidaskthat · 26/05/2023 20:24

I am sure your children are lovely OP, but I worry about any adult child who whose happiness depends on having both parents together at a meal when one parent has mistreated the other. That's not a healthy sacrifice.

Butchyrestingface · 26/05/2023 20:28

Blondewithredlips · 25/05/2023 18:27

My child did ask me if I would be ok with ex being at graduation before they invited ex and I said I would be ok. I just want to minimise the chances of him getting away with not paying his way and don't want a drama.

Is this a university graduation?

I'm quite surprised your child would even ASK. I'd expect them to show more sensitivity. And I say that as the daughter of a man who never paid a bean towards my upkeep after he and my mother separated. Won't his being there rather ruin it for you (AKA, the bank of mum)?

SchoolTripDrama · 26/05/2023 20:28

GasPanic · 25/05/2023 13:14

The problem is it sounds like you are making the meal all about the beef you have with your Ex H (which may well be legitimate) and not about the actual celebration itself.

So you run the risk of turning the celebration into a mess because your Ex. H is an arsehole. How that will pan out, whether your kids will blame you or your ex. H for it is hard to determine.

I'd ask myself the question whether it's really worth it.

You can come up with all sorts of ways to separate out the costs and the restuarant will almost certainly accommodate you. For example you could ask the restaurant to do a set menu for a set number at a set price and pay in advance. But probably anything you do is likely to lead to some confrontation if your Ex. H is as tight fisted as you say he is, and that confrontation is likely to bring the celebration down.

I would probably pay, and have a quiet word with your kids that in the future if they want to celebrate with their father separately then that's fine but not together with you.

Nice bit of manipulation into getting the OP to be a doormat and let him continue being a cheeky fucker! Wow

Anyport · 26/05/2023 20:49

Contact the place where you are dining before you arrive and tell them how you want the bill to be split.

SoftSheen · 26/05/2023 20:54

I'd be breezy about it, e.g. when you've all received menus, just say 'So [Ex], before we all order I just wanted to check whether you would be happy for you and I to split the bill 50/50 and treat all the children? Not possible? No problem, I'm happy to pay for the children myself and I'll let the staff know that they will need to make up your bill separately'.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 26/05/2023 21:00

I’d make it very clear at the start of the meal that you are treating the kids - then pull the waiter over and say that he (your ex) will have a separate bill- make sure he hears.

Frizzy12 · 26/05/2023 21:03

You know what you do? Talk to the server before they bring the meal and just tell them to bring separate bills. Make it uncomfortable for him to ask if it can be together rather than you asking for it to be separate.

cansu · 26/05/2023 21:14

If you don't want to contact him before the event, you will have to simply ask the waiter to put the kids and your meal on your card and then pass him the card machine. I would probably simply say, I will pay for me and the kids and you can do yours separately.

howdoesyourgardengrowinmay · 26/05/2023 21:22

Is the OW likely to be there as well?

Absolutelyridiculous · 26/05/2023 21:23

Personally, I think he should pick up the tab for the whole of you, and think himself lucky he is invited . I'd ask him is it his turn to pay? Or ask him if he expects you to pay again. ?
If he won't is different than can't. If he's just mean, then I Def wouldn't pay for him or want him there tbh ...and I'd tell him & child why
It's so sad for your child but ex's loss.

vejazzlement · 26/05/2023 21:25

@Blondewithredlips What a lot of hoo-ha your innocent question has generated!

I'm with you (including with the knob of a stingy ex husband) all the way. Life is too short to bother about who did what. Incomprehensible as it seems to people on MN, it's fine to do some things together if you have children together. People get their knickers in a twist about the oddest things. I do think, though, that he should pay at least for himself, if not split the total bill with you (though I know this would be like pulling teeth).

Winnipeg23 · 26/05/2023 21:26

Sounds petty to me. Just pay for him. Be the bigger person. Life is too short.

TomatoSandwiches · 26/05/2023 21:31

Winnipeg23 · 26/05/2023 21:26

Sounds petty to me. Just pay for him. Be the bigger person. Life is too short.

Op has been the bigger person for the majority of her children's lives, she doesn't sound petty at all, she sounds like a miraculous mother who has sacrificed a lot of her self and raised at least educationally successful children and rightly has put a boundary in place with her ex.

AmyDudley · 26/05/2023 21:35

Take only cash, estimate roughly what bill will be for you and the kids and only take enough to cover it.

jenny38 · 26/05/2023 22:43

I would also just be open about it with him, are we splitting the bill 50/ 50 or is everyone paying for themselves? If he says he can’t afford it, then say that’s fine- you will pay for yourself though. Make sure this is said before ordering, then when bill comes pay for you and the children, tip in cash.

Original poster
Blondewithredlips · 26/05/2023 22:57

Thanks for all your posts.

Regarding DC asking about ex attending graduation. I asked my children years ago to freely ask questions and not to guess what my response would be. This was after one was invited to something fabulous but said no due to money without asking me which really upset me as they could have gone.

DC asked me before inviting their father as they love him too.This DC is a beautiful soul and honestly would never make me upset. I want them to really enjoy their graduation so will put up with ex. The meal became a problem as I remembered I will have to deal with ex and his attempts not to pay. We have been divorced for years so was not something I really thought of.

This DC knows about the money issues I have had with ex but I chose not to overshare information as it helped them maintain a relationship with him. Ex not paying for them was to get back at me not them. There are thousands of women in the same situation.

In contrast the oldest DC did not want their father at their graduation as they had more understanding of what was going on as they are older when it all kicked off. That was their choice and I said to them I did not mind seeing him at graduation.

OP posts:
Crumpleton · 26/05/2023 23:18

As much as you don't want to see your ex, and quite frankly I can understand why IMO I think it's good that you're respecting your DC's wishes that their father be there especially as they know he left you to bring them up with no financial help from him.
It must have been so difficult but it sounds as though you've done a fantastic job in bringing them up.
I really do hope that you enjoy the celebrations despite circumstances.

If the EX doesn't turn up then so be it that's his doing as long as he admits it's his choice if/when asked.

Mamanyt · 27/05/2023 00:18

Contact him, and simply say, "Would you prefer your bill be separate, or do you want to contribute to our children's meals and pay 50/50?"

chubbychopsticks · 27/05/2023 01:20

Who invited him? Keep strong boundaries!

I'd make it clear to everyone that dinner is for you and them and to respect your wishes that it be a special occasion for you.

Your ex can arrange his own dinner plans.

I have an ex like this and have finally put my foot down.

Nanof8 · 27/05/2023 01:58

As a former server, I would prefer if people said when ordering that there will be separate bills and who is on the bills. Much easier to keep it separate if known ahead of time. Plus that way people know to only order what they can afford instead of trying to stick someone with the bill. Which sounds like a real possibility in this situation. Hope it all works out for you. Maybe have your child let your ex know ahead of time that he has to pay for his own.

Forgottenmypasswordagain · 27/05/2023 02:01

Have you seen the film "It's Complicated" OP?

Don't have too much 🍷is all I'm saying!😀

4plusthehound · 27/05/2023 02:38

determinedtomakethiswork · 24/05/2023 23:39

You could say to the waiter, we're doing separate checks. I'll pay for myself and the kids. Then just order. Hand the menu back and smile.

Absolutely this.

Just ask the waiter quietly

I have to do this twice a year with a particular person.

I always leave the table and have a quite word with the waiter. Works a charm.

In your case - at the end of the meal, you could have a saintly smile and say "I know you don't like to pool".

Coffeeismycure · 27/05/2023 04:57

Kanaloa · 24/05/2023 23:49

Can’t you just tell your child no? Say ‘no I said I’d take you kids out but I wouldn’t feel comfortable taking your father out. Maybe he can take you out Sunday after we’ve been out Saturday.’

Your children presumably are adult. They are old enough to catch on that their mother may not want to take her ex out for dinner, and to understand that they see their parents separately.

I totally agree. The DC inviting the father should have at least discuss this with you beforehand, knowing that you are paying. Now it’s on them to fix this.

Original poster
Blondewithredlips · 27/05/2023 05:33

Forgottenmypasswordagain · 27/05/2023 02:01

Have you seen the film "It's Complicated" OP?

Don't have too much 🍷is all I'm saying!😀

No chance!

OP posts:
Original poster
Blondewithredlips · 27/05/2023 05:35

Coffeeismycure · 27/05/2023 04:57

I totally agree. The DC inviting the father should have at least discuss this with you beforehand, knowing that you are paying. Now it’s on them to fix this.

Show quote history

DC asked me before they invited ex to graduation. It was only afterward I said yes that I remembered what he was like with paying in restaurants.

OP posts: