Work Event vs School Disco

[PineapplePrincess]

Sanity check please…

I have an overnighter for work. Select management community, first time I’ve qualified to attend despite a long history working for the company. Evening dinner (finishes by 10pm) followed by all day workshops. Starts the next day at 8:30am. Even if I didn’t do the overnighter there is no way I would get to the venue for an 8am start with childcare, traffic, etc.

I’ve chosen to stay over. Something DH was not exactly pleased about at the time, but he’s entirely capable of looking after our two DS. (Last work overnighter was 2-3years ago, for context.)

Overnighter coincides with oldest DS(9) disco. Something I wasn’t aware of at the point I agreed to go. DH is now refusing to take DS to disco, which DS is distraught about.

It would be awkward with school finishing (DS walks home at 3pm) nursery pick-up (latest 6pm), dinner, disco drop off (7pm), disco pick up (8pm) and bed downs. But it’s not impossible. I’ve suggest options to make things work - e.g. order pizza for dinner, skip the evening baths, let the boys stay up a bit later, ask neighbour (who’s son is also attending) to pick DS up at end of disco. The school and nursery are literally next door to our house, so it’s not a huge trek just cumbersome.

But he’s refusing to consider any options which could make the disco work. And it’s my fault DS can’t go.

I’m feeling so guilty and kinda wish I could cancel, but now worry it’s too late as company would be charged hotels costs and my last minute withdrawal would likely be ‘noted’.

DH is making it sound like off for a fun night on the town with my friends, abandoning him and kids - when actually I’m dreading the whole thing. I’m not familiar/ friendly with most people who are attending - I feel a bit obliged to go but also recognise (through recent work coaching) I need to push out of my introverted ways and expand my network. I’m hoping doing so will help me make my day job easier, which is not easy currently and quite demanding.

I just feel horrid, but I’m pushing ahead and going despite really wishing I wasn’t.

AIBU?

He sounds like a controlling bellend. He does want you to go so is using your child’s distress as a bargaining chip. You’ve proposed lots of alternatives and suggestions, this is important for your job and career.

is this the first time he’s done something like this?

Go to the work thing and then LTB.

What an utter utter controlling arsehole.

Also - be prepared that he might try other ways of ruining this for you as you're going ahead and going...

Like claiming one of the DCs is sick and you need to rush to back
"Forgetting" to pick up the one from the nursery so you get a call (make sure nursery are aware you will be uncontactable and to ring DH)
Constantly ringing/texting you

This would be a deal breaker for my marriage. He is making you feel guilty because he can't be arsed to parent his children. That would be the end of my respect for him, and thus the end of my marriage.

He should take DS to the disco, even if it means taking younger DC with him on both journeys. But you know that already.

In your shoes, I'd arrange for a friend to help DS access the disco, inform DH of the plan, go on your work trip, and then make a plan to leave my DH.

It's not always a big explosive thing that ends a marriage. The realisation that my DH could not parent his children for one night while I attended a work function would be a line for me.

YANBU and your husband is being an absolute dick. He sounds emotionally abusive to be honest.

Just to add, I can very much imagine my exh doing this.

Your husband is an absolute cock.

I would be fucking fuming if my husband had this attitude.

What a petty, spiteful little man he is.

I don't know if I could have any respect left for him after this.

Fucking prick.

This has nowt to do with the Disco, what an utter Knobster.

Just organise your neighbour to take and pick up without consulting him. He can't exactly find something to be cross about if all that's required from him is to walk to the front door and open it twice.

Please come back and update us op, even if it's in 6 months time. @PineapplePrincess
I'm worried for you that you hadnt realised how abusive your relationship is and this has come as a shock.

What a horrible piece of work he is! He's trying to control you, and he doesn't care if it upsets your dc.

I don't think I could get over this, it's awful behaviour.

In the short term, I would still go on the trip. It's horrible for your dc, but they won't be scarred for life from missing the disco. Every time they ask you will have to be clear that unfortunately their dad doesn't want them to go and you are away.

You'll need your job, as surely you can't stay in a relationship like this?

I think this is spot on!

Your husband is an assh*le. Make him your ex asap. He is using your innocent child as a weapon against you.

My DH was very unsure about asking a favour from someone else. But he soon understood that favours can work two ways, and someone has to be the first to ask. In a way, asking them for this (nice easy) favour makes it easier for them to feel they can ask a return favour in the future. There will be plenty of times in the future when sharing getting them places will make everyone's lives easier.

Alternatively, can you prime the neighbour to offer? "Hi, DS said your son couldn't make the disco because his mum's away. Can we take him?" He might feel less able to decline with a direct offer. It would certainly (if DS is around) put paid to the idea that it's you stopping him going.

Yanbu, your DH is being mean and controlling; punishing your DS because you’re away.

Does he have form for this sort of thing? Can a trusted friend or neighbour or DS’s friend’s parent take him to the disco? I don’t get why DH won’t take him if you live next door.