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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Work Event vs School Disco

165 replies

PineapplePrincess · 24/05/2023 21:44

Sanity check please…

I have an overnighter for work. Select management community, first time I’ve qualified to attend despite a long history working for the company. Evening dinner (finishes by 10pm) followed by all day workshops. Starts the next day at 8:30am. Even if I didn’t do the overnighter there is no way I would get to the venue for an 8am start with childcare, traffic, etc.

I’ve chosen to stay over. Something DH was not exactly pleased about at the time, but he’s entirely capable of looking after our two DS. (Last work overnighter was 2-3years ago, for context.)

Overnighter coincides with oldest DS(9) disco. Something I wasn’t aware of at the point I agreed to go. DH is now refusing to take DS to disco, which DS is distraught about.

It would be awkward with school finishing (DS walks home at 3pm) nursery pick-up (latest 6pm), dinner, disco drop off (7pm), disco pick up (8pm) and bed downs. But it’s not impossible. I’ve suggest options to make things work - e.g. order pizza for dinner, skip the evening baths, let the boys stay up a bit later, ask neighbour (who’s son is also attending) to pick DS up at end of disco. The school and nursery are literally next door to our house, so it’s not a huge trek just cumbersome.

But he’s refusing to consider any options which could make the disco work. And it’s my fault DS can’t go.

I’m feeling so guilty and kinda wish I could cancel, but now worry it’s too late as company would be charged hotels costs and my last minute withdrawal would likely be ‘noted’.

DH is making it sound like off for a fun night on the town with my friends, abandoning him and kids - when actually I’m dreading the whole thing. I’m not familiar/ friendly with most people who are attending - I feel a bit obliged to go but also recognise (through recent work coaching) I need to push out of my introverted ways and expand my network. I’m hoping doing so will help me make my day job easier, which is not easy currently and quite demanding.

I just feel horrid, but I’m pushing ahead and going despite really wishing I wasn’t.

AIBU?

OP posts:
MojoMoon · 24/05/2023 22:30

Suspect he would be fine with the neighbour walking your kid there if it facilitated something he wanted to do.

Do not pull out of this work event.
I know it's tough seeing your son upset but you need to provide a bit of space for it to be clear that he is responsible for your son's upset.
In the long run your son will benefit from his dad being forced to face up to how much his selfishness is upsetting his son. I suspect he will fold when you stand your ground and when your son turns his upset on his dad directly

TheaBrandt · 24/05/2023 22:30

i would like calmly tell him that you are asking the neighbour and yes you will be telling the neighbour why he is not doing it. He won’t like that one little bit. This behaviour needs sunlight on it.

fireflyloo · 24/05/2023 22:30

Don't pull out of event. He's doing this to see if you will. Is he often spiteful and unhelpful like this?

BillyNoM8s · 24/05/2023 22:31

Can child go straight to neighbours house for dinner and getting ready? You can leave disco clothes with neighbour in advance. That way husband can't sabotage anything or make child miss it due to late dinner.

I'd be leaving him for this. Unreasonable prick. Controlling and he doesn't trust you.

Make sure child knows plans and that neighbour knows you're married to a prick.

stayathomegardener · 24/05/2023 22:32

I'd be telling your husband that if he continues to play games you will be explaining to the other mum exactly what the situation is.
He will publicly look like the knob he is.
And yes I'd consider splitting over his stupid selfish attitude.

stayathomegardener · 24/05/2023 22:33

TheaBrandt · 24/05/2023 22:30

i would like calmly tell him that you are asking the neighbour and yes you will be telling the neighbour why he is not doing it. He won’t like that one little bit. This behaviour needs sunlight on it.

Beautifully put "sunlight on it"

RandomMess · 24/05/2023 22:33

Your DH is being deliberately obstructive to make DS upset your fault.

You ask the neighbour and include the fact your DH is being a knob over it.

Hercisback · 24/05/2023 22:34

This would be the first and last time he pulled this kind of stunt in my house.

While you're away email a divorce lawyer. He's a twat.

heymammy · 24/05/2023 22:36

He's using the school disco as the perfect stick to beat you with. In other words, he's a cunt.

wingingit1987 · 24/05/2023 22:37

Your husband is an arse. I would honestly walk out of my husband thought it was ok to take it out on our children, that I was going away for a night. Tell him to grow up and take your child to his disco or to pack his bags and leave. His behaviour is toxic and manipulative.

Beachhutnut · 24/05/2023 22:39

He is trying to get you to not go clearly. Tell him it won't work. Tell him there is an option on the table to allow D's to go but as it's him in charge when you're on your overnight then you'll leave the decision up to him. Then don't engage further. I bet he takes the neighbour up on her offer.

Thisismeyeah · 24/05/2023 22:39

Stand your ground, be matter of fact this is whats happeneng, you will not be canceling the work trip and you have arranged for somone to take and pick him up. Thats it end of story, you are going he can either make life difficult for you all and facture your relationship or he can accept it and shut up and get on with it. His choice eitherway you are going. Dont entertain his crybaby spoilt behaviour you are not his Mum its not your responsibility to parent DH. End of story.

Be strong go and have a good time.

whatatool · 24/05/2023 22:40

He's being a knob!
Using your son's emotions to make you feel guilty? Prize prick

Freddiefox · 24/05/2023 22:42

Your dh is an arse hole, and lazy too. This is barely an effort, just normal run of the mill for many families with children.

I wonder what his agenda is. Is it’s to make you feel bad? Keep you in your place?

your ds won’t forget.

Bumblebee2022 · 24/05/2023 22:43

Just to be clear, it’s not your fault your ds can’t go to the school disco. Your dh is quite capable of taking his son to the disco and looking after his other child at the same time. How would he cope if he were a single parent, would no one do anything in the evening?
fwiw, dh works shifts, so is quite often not here in the evening and with 3dc, I’ve done more than my fair share of trekking around dropping off and collecting the dc from various school things/clubs/activities. It doesn’t make for a relaxing evening, but it’s what parents have to do.

InWalksBarberalla · 24/05/2023 22:43

I couldn't stay with someone who deliberately hurts his son to punish his wife.

MimiSunshine · 24/05/2023 22:46

TheaBrandt · 24/05/2023 22:30

i would like calmly tell him that you are asking the neighbour and yes you will be telling the neighbour why he is not doing it. He won’t like that one little bit. This behaviour needs sunlight on it.

Was just about to say the exact same thing.

You will go to the work event. Your son will go to the disco and if necessary people will know that your husband is a twat.

Mumsnut · 24/05/2023 22:46

Please show him this thread.

PurelyBelter · 24/05/2023 22:51

God this is the most repulsive and nasty thing I’ve read. What a complete and utter arse. He is using your son to punish you for daring to advance your career. He is using your so to punish you because he is a fragile little boy who is scared of his wife having a more important job than him. This is nothing to do with bedtimes or his ability to parent.

As PPs said, neighbour and tell them why. And then make plans to leave. What a fucking arsehole.

PurelyBelter · 24/05/2023 22:52

MrsRickAstley · 24/05/2023 21:46

He's a massive KNOB !!! That's my two pennies.

Do not back down. He won't not take DC.

Honestly, men like this would deliberately upset their own child to make a point. I wouldn’t hedge any bets he would just take him.

Netaporter · 24/05/2023 22:53

Jesus, we once didn’t go on holiday on a certain day because it was DD’s first school disco. Can you arrange a sleepover with a friend of your sons so it is out if his hands? Absolutely don’t back out of your work event. I’d be insisting on going to relationship counselling after this is done to see if you can get past this. Is he always controlling or is this something new?

jackstini · 24/05/2023 22:54

I would turn it back on him

Yes it is OUR job to parent
But being as YOU selfishly will not do it, I will parent by organising something that makes sure OUR son does not miss out on something because his Dad is being selfish, spiteful and mean

What an absolute dickhead. Am not sure I could get past this level of twattishness

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 24/05/2023 22:55

That’s horribly cruel of him. I don’t know how any parent could treat their child in such a way.

Of course too must go to the work trip, but your child should also be able to go to the disco.

Could your neighbour collect him straight from school and even have him the whole time so that your nasty DH doesn’t get a say? I’d be thinking of LTB after something like this.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 24/05/2023 22:57

TheaBrandt · 24/05/2023 22:30

i would like calmly tell him that you are asking the neighbour and yes you will be telling the neighbour why he is not doing it. He won’t like that one little bit. This behaviour needs sunlight on it.

I agree this is perfectly put. Sunlight on it. Exactly.

snakewhite · 24/05/2023 22:58

Wow, I never say this but would really be thinking hard about continuing this relationship. It's not even the ridiculous sulkiness of having a tantrum because you're going away for the night, it's not even that he's prepared to hurt his own child to hurt you (though tbf that really is enough!) it's the absolute lack of regard or respect he clearly has for you and your career. Nasty little man.