Work Event vs School Disco

[PineapplePrincess]

Sanity check please…

I have an overnighter for work. Select management community, first time I’ve qualified to attend despite a long history working for the company. Evening dinner (finishes by 10pm) followed by all day workshops. Starts the next day at 8:30am. Even if I didn’t do the overnighter there is no way I would get to the venue for an 8am start with childcare, traffic, etc.

I’ve chosen to stay over. Something DH was not exactly pleased about at the time, but he’s entirely capable of looking after our two DS. (Last work overnighter was 2-3years ago, for context.)

Overnighter coincides with oldest DS(9) disco. Something I wasn’t aware of at the point I agreed to go. DH is now refusing to take DS to disco, which DS is distraught about.

It would be awkward with school finishing (DS walks home at 3pm) nursery pick-up (latest 6pm), dinner, disco drop off (7pm), disco pick up (8pm) and bed downs. But it’s not impossible. I’ve suggest options to make things work - e.g. order pizza for dinner, skip the evening baths, let the boys stay up a bit later, ask neighbour (who’s son is also attending) to pick DS up at end of disco. The school and nursery are literally next door to our house, so it’s not a huge trek just cumbersome.

But he’s refusing to consider any options which could make the disco work. And it’s my fault DS can’t go.

I’m feeling so guilty and kinda wish I could cancel, but now worry it’s too late as company would be charged hotels costs and my last minute withdrawal would likely be ‘noted’.

DH is making it sound like off for a fun night on the town with my friends, abandoning him and kids - when actually I’m dreading the whole thing. I’m not familiar/ friendly with most people who are attending - I feel a bit obliged to go but also recognise (through recent work coaching) I need to push out of my introverted ways and expand my network. I’m hoping doing so will help me make my day job easier, which is not easy currently and quite demanding.

I just feel horrid, but I’m pushing ahead and going despite really wishing I wasn’t.

AIBU?

How skin-crawlingly pathetic of him.

How can you bear him?

TBH I'd be telling him his inability to be flexible for his son's happiness was an incredible turn off for me and I'd be unlikely to be having sex with him anytime in the next six months if that was the case.

I found reading this incredibly distressing for so many reasons.

First that your Dh is willing to treat his child and his wife in this way
Second that you seem to believe that you are somehow at fault
Third that this is likely going to taint your DHs relationship with you and DS forever. It’s the kind of selfish act designed to hurt you that is really really hard to get over.

Go to your work event. You need to keep your career going. But re-evaluate your marriage. This man does not have your back. He does not care about your children. Think carefully about what that means for you. I’m so sorry. No one should be treated like this

your dh is a nasty vile knob

Agree with all the above. If at all possible arrange for your son to go home from school with a friend who is going and whose parent can take them both. Ideally have him also stay over at that friend so your husband doesn’t have a chance to rain on his parade after.
school discos are usually badly timed but they mean a lot to the kids.

He's an abusive twat. It's not "palming him off" it's offering a play date swap which is perfectly normal.

Does your son ever go to friends for tea?

I agree this is likely the tip of the iceberg. You should go to the work think because you're going to be a single parent sooner or later. Hopefully sooner.

Wow.

What worries me most is not the school disco scenario (which he is being a selfish arse over btw). I get it's a faff.

But the attitude towards you and going away with work is in my view unacceptable, and the refusal to ask the neighbour. It's controlling and nasty, with the intent to make you feel so bad you don't go again.

Run as far as you can, this man does not have your best interests at heart. This is not love it's control. You deserve someone who treats you as an equal partner and upholds your right to a life outside as well as within the home.

I try not to say nasty things about people's husbands on here but in this instance, sorry, he's a selfish pig.

He's a horrible man who's hurting his child to hurt you in order to control you. He'd have to be particularly spectacular in other aspects of our life for me to want to stay with him. Ugh.

It's not your fault DS can't go.
It's 'D'H

What a crappy thing for him to do to his daughter. Poor lass.

Your dh isn’t on your team at all; he’s selfish and he’s unkind. He clearly thinks all kid related stuff is your responsibility even though you also have a job and things to do - definitely go to your event and think about whether you want to stay with someone so selfish

Your DH is the problem. I have 4 kids incl 1 with special needs. I've been going away every week for 2 nights a week for the past year. Not ideal at all and it's coming to an end thankfully but DH has put up with it and handled all sorts of activities and awkward timings on his own in my absence. Particularly difficult as the youngest is only 2yrs old and she is the one with additional needs.
I support however I can by asking favours of friends and neighbours for him (he doesn't like asking favours but then if i don't he would just get on with it) but otherwise he gets on with it. As he should. Probably with less self pity and complaining than i would in his shoes!🤣
No way would he not take our kids to the disco in my absence that's just ridiculous.

What a knob of the highest order!

Personally, I'd remove him from the equation, and ask your neighbour if your DS can go to theirs for tea after school and she take them to and from the disco. I wouldn't be shy about letting them know why you're having to ask (ehem, your husband is a cock). Once conformed, inform your DH and what a pillock he's being.

Your dh sounds like a total arsehole. Speak to ds friends parents and ask if he can have a sleepover with anyone going to the disco. Then go to your work event, I hope it goes well. When you return ditch your useless selfish dh.

What a complete twat your H is. He's hurting your child to punish you for what? Daring to have a career? Going away for a night and forcing him to parent?
I'd be thinking long and hard about continuing a relationship with such a selfish arsehole.
Honestly, I hope he sees this thread so he can see how many people think his behaviour is deplorable.

Please just ask the neighbour. Don't let him control that for the sake of your ds. Otherwise he will project onto your ds it's your fault he can't go.

Make the arrangements - I would seriously be considering my future with him after that as this will just be the tip of the iceberg.

I was a single mum to 3 after dh died. These scenarios often happened when they were younger but no way would the dc miss out - yes it wasn't always ideal but we managed - help of other parents; change of routine etc.

He is being absolutely ridiculous. Your poor ds will have to listen to the other kids talking about it afterwards. Don't let your dh make that decision - go to the work event and arrange the playdate.

Your husband is a mean, nasty, lazy, useless cunt emotionally blackmailing you Do not back down. In fact I’d turn the tables on the emotional blackmail and tell him if my child missed that disco you’d be rethinking the marriage. Because it’s not really about the disco is it. It’s because he sees you and your kids needs and desires as less important than at worst mildly inconveniencing himself.

DH is a knob.
how is the relationship generally?
I know people are quick to jump to 'LTB' but is this out of character or normal for him.

oh and of course ask the neighbour and tell your child that the neighbour will be picking them up

What a fucking horrible man! I couldn’t stay with someone like this. He clearly resents you and hates your kids!

He stating it’s our responsibility to look after DS, not to palm him off on others when we have something better to do

oh right

when is he quitting work to be a SAHD then?

Seriously, LTB. This is how a normal conversation would go:
"I'm going on a work overnighter. It's DS's school disco."
"That sounds interesting. Have a good time."
And that is it.
I've no idea how you are as a person, but I know that you deserve better than being with him.

I would also hazard a guess that this isn’t the first time this Prince among men hasn’t behaved like this when he doesn’t get his own way.

honestly OP I am so furious for you. What a nasty controlling prick that would hurt his son like this just to stop you having a life away from the house.

He's a fucking knob. Make arrangements with a friend and ask your DH if he really wants to upset your child for the sake of his pathetic point scoring?

I'd be tempted to invite his parents to come and stay. Explain that you need to go away for work and that DH has expressed concern that he won't be able to manage the children and their activities on his own.

I'm sure with an extra 2 pairs of hands to help, he'll be fine...

He’s punishing you for daring to go to this work event.
Make sure DS knows that it’s DHs fault if he can’t go not yours but I would try and get another Mum to help (I would have happily) for your sons sake