Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Work Event vs School Disco

165 replies

PineapplePrincess · 24/05/2023 21:44

Sanity check please…

I have an overnighter for work. Select management community, first time I’ve qualified to attend despite a long history working for the company. Evening dinner (finishes by 10pm) followed by all day workshops. Starts the next day at 8:30am. Even if I didn’t do the overnighter there is no way I would get to the venue for an 8am start with childcare, traffic, etc.

I’ve chosen to stay over. Something DH was not exactly pleased about at the time, but he’s entirely capable of looking after our two DS. (Last work overnighter was 2-3years ago, for context.)

Overnighter coincides with oldest DS(9) disco. Something I wasn’t aware of at the point I agreed to go. DH is now refusing to take DS to disco, which DS is distraught about.

It would be awkward with school finishing (DS walks home at 3pm) nursery pick-up (latest 6pm), dinner, disco drop off (7pm), disco pick up (8pm) and bed downs. But it’s not impossible. I’ve suggest options to make things work - e.g. order pizza for dinner, skip the evening baths, let the boys stay up a bit later, ask neighbour (who’s son is also attending) to pick DS up at end of disco. The school and nursery are literally next door to our house, so it’s not a huge trek just cumbersome.

But he’s refusing to consider any options which could make the disco work. And it’s my fault DS can’t go.

I’m feeling so guilty and kinda wish I could cancel, but now worry it’s too late as company would be charged hotels costs and my last minute withdrawal would likely be ‘noted’.

DH is making it sound like off for a fun night on the town with my friends, abandoning him and kids - when actually I’m dreading the whole thing. I’m not familiar/ friendly with most people who are attending - I feel a bit obliged to go but also recognise (through recent work coaching) I need to push out of my introverted ways and expand my network. I’m hoping doing so will help me make my day job easier, which is not easy currently and quite demanding.

I just feel horrid, but I’m pushing ahead and going despite really wishing I wasn’t.

AIBU?

OP posts:
BonnieBobbin · 24/05/2023 22:04

Your DH is an arse. You need to go. If your DH continues to pretend he can't cope, can you ask family to help? For two reasons, it gets DS to the disco and it lets your family see how manipulative your DH is being.

MichelleScarn · 24/05/2023 22:04

MrsRickAstley · 24/05/2023 21:46

He's a massive KNOB !!! That's my two pennies.

Do not back down. He won't not take DC.

He's a massive, dickhead, attempting to control you knobhead!!

FusionChefGeoff · 24/05/2023 22:05

I'm going to go out on a limb and suggest that this isn't the only thing he's done that might qualify his entry for Twatty Husband / Dad of the Year award

Secondsop · 24/05/2023 22:05

He’s being absolutely pathetic and mean, and I’m furious on your behalf. He doesn’t want you to go to your work thing not because of the disco logistics but because he doesn’t support your career development. On a practical level I like the suggestion of seeing if another parent can have your son after school and take him to the disco but on a wider level your DH would rather control you even at the expense of your son’s happiness. Don’t cancel your work event! It’s important to you and the choice should absolutely not be between the work event and the disco.

millymollymoomoo · 24/05/2023 22:05

Your dh is a knob
tell him HE has to take ds to the disco
and seriously I’d consider ltb over this and i don’t say that often

he doesn’t respect you, doesn’t value you and is being a dick to their own child. Unforgivable

bumbledeedum · 24/05/2023 22:06

Cosycover · 24/05/2023 22:01

I'd ask my neighbour and then get a fuckin divorce.

This. Your 'D'H is a dickhead and using your children to manipulate you.

TallulaRose · 24/05/2023 22:08

Ask another school parent and then LTB, seriously, he can’t parent his children properly for one night, what a sad excuse for a husband and dad.

Yogazmum · 24/05/2023 22:14

Make it clear to DH that it’s his fault if DS misses the disco. He’s being a manipulative arsehole. Having a tantrum over the fact you’re going away and making his own child miss out purely by being spiteful is the lowest.
Find someone else to take DS if you can. There must be another school mum who can help.
Even explain why you need the help
due to your DHs incompetence.
I would seriously be reassessing my relationship if my DH pulled a low stunt like this!
Vile and cruel!

TenoringBehind · 24/05/2023 22:17

Your dh is a nasty twat and is punishing you for having a life

Schoolchoicesucks · 24/05/2023 22:17

Can the neighbour whose son is attending take and drop DS? Or have DS after school and take and drop them home? Or is there another of DS's friend who would do the same? Then DH only needs to sort out younger child.
Obviously doesn't solve the issue of DH being unwilling to put himself out for his kids, but at least doesn't mean DS loses out.

OnlyYellowRoses · 24/05/2023 22:20

He actually sounds jealous of you having a night away and is making himself look incompetent to boot.

Motnight · 24/05/2023 22:22

How else does he punish you and the children if things don't go his way, Op?

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 24/05/2023 22:22

What a horrible dad/ it’s one night if running around- your poor child!!!

Original poster
PineapplePrincess · 24/05/2023 22:22

Thank you for the replies, makes me feel better that I’m not out on a limb here.

I have suggested neighbour takes DS (along with her DS who is in the same year; both boys do get along well) and I’m pretty sure she would happily do so - she’s offered in the past. But DH doesn’t want to hear any of it. He stating it’s our responsibility to look after DS, not to palm him off on others when we have something better to do.

I don’t have any family to ask. And DH’s family are too far away to help out on this occasion (not that he’d ask them either - doesn’t like to be indebted to people!)

OP posts:
FatCatBum · 24/05/2023 22:22

But he’s refusing to consider any options which could make the disco work. And it’s my fault DS can’t go.

It not your fault at all, your husband could make it work but is choosing not to so the fault sits squarely with him. He's having a tantrum because he has to actually parent

Regholdsworthswaterbed · 24/05/2023 22:23

I'm sorry but he's a spiteful shit husband and dad. I'd go fucking apeshit if my DH acted like this.

IScreamAtMichaelangelos · 24/05/2023 22:25

He stating it’s our responsibility to look after DS, not to palm him off on others when we have something better to do.

For our, read 'your'.

For we, read 'you'.

He really doesn't like the possibility of you having a career, does he?

Coyoacan · 24/05/2023 22:26

IT sounds like everyone would be better without such a sit man in the family

AllBlackEverything · 24/05/2023 22:26

PineapplePrincess · 24/05/2023 22:22

Thank you for the replies, makes me feel better that I’m not out on a limb here.

I have suggested neighbour takes DS (along with her DS who is in the same year; both boys do get along well) and I’m pretty sure she would happily do so - she’s offered in the past. But DH doesn’t want to hear any of it. He stating it’s our responsibility to look after DS, not to palm him off on others when we have something better to do.

I don’t have any family to ask. And DH’s family are too far away to help out on this occasion (not that he’d ask them either - doesn’t like to be indebted to people!)

This makes it so much worse.

Even when you have found someone else to take DS to the disco, he still finds a way to ruin it.

He is right that it's the responsibility of the PARENTS to look after their children. NOT just the mother. In any case, he is refusing a perfectly suitable childcare arrangement.

He is punishing your child to hurt you. That's all there is to it.

Ponderingwindow · 24/05/2023 22:26

This is 100% a husband problem.

If he really won’t back down, I would triage by finding another person to get your child to the school disco. It is going to look ridiculous because you have a perfectly capable husband there not doing it, so I would just be honest about why you need the help. Otherwise there might be some family member or school mum posting on mumsnet wondering why they are running around getting your kid to the disco while the father sits at home. This isn’t the time to protect him as he doesn’t deserve protection.

TheaBrandt · 24/05/2023 22:27

Spiteful. To his own family. He resents you having a life and is happy to upset his own child to make you feel shit. He doesn’t deserve a nice family. Normal people try to make those they love lives easier not sabotage them at one stroke. Arrange with the neighbour go over his head. This is a hill to die on op.

EasterBreak · 24/05/2023 22:28

What an awful horrible man he is. Poor kids. It's not your fault he's a bad parent.

Ponderingwindow · 24/05/2023 22:28

Cross post

ok, you have someone and he is still refusing.

It seems like he is trying to sabotage your career.

UsingChangeofName · 24/05/2023 22:28

Haven't voted as not sure what you are asking if you are BU about.

You dh OTOH is being vvvvvvvvvvvvvvv UR.

What an utter knob.
Does he not consider himself to be their parent ? Confused
Why is he so incapable ?

You have nothing to feel guilty about. In truth, you wouldn't even if it were a night out on the town with your mates.

The fact of the matter is, one of your dcs' parents is there, looking after them, and yet refusing to do what every normal parent does and facilitate getting one of the dc to something very reasonable that they want to go to.

maryberryslayers · 24/05/2023 22:30

He sounds weird and ridiculously controlling. Ok he can't sort himself to take DS but he won't allow someone else to? He's punishing you and in turn punishing DS.
Why would you want to stay married to someone like this?

See if neighbour would have DS straight from school and drop back a after the disco so H can't sabotage.