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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Work Event vs School Disco

165 replies

PineapplePrincess · 24/05/2023 21:44

Sanity check please…

I have an overnighter for work. Select management community, first time I’ve qualified to attend despite a long history working for the company. Evening dinner (finishes by 10pm) followed by all day workshops. Starts the next day at 8:30am. Even if I didn’t do the overnighter there is no way I would get to the venue for an 8am start with childcare, traffic, etc.

I’ve chosen to stay over. Something DH was not exactly pleased about at the time, but he’s entirely capable of looking after our two DS. (Last work overnighter was 2-3years ago, for context.)

Overnighter coincides with oldest DS(9) disco. Something I wasn’t aware of at the point I agreed to go. DH is now refusing to take DS to disco, which DS is distraught about.

It would be awkward with school finishing (DS walks home at 3pm) nursery pick-up (latest 6pm), dinner, disco drop off (7pm), disco pick up (8pm) and bed downs. But it’s not impossible. I’ve suggest options to make things work - e.g. order pizza for dinner, skip the evening baths, let the boys stay up a bit later, ask neighbour (who’s son is also attending) to pick DS up at end of disco. The school and nursery are literally next door to our house, so it’s not a huge trek just cumbersome.

But he’s refusing to consider any options which could make the disco work. And it’s my fault DS can’t go.

I’m feeling so guilty and kinda wish I could cancel, but now worry it’s too late as company would be charged hotels costs and my last minute withdrawal would likely be ‘noted’.

DH is making it sound like off for a fun night on the town with my friends, abandoning him and kids - when actually I’m dreading the whole thing. I’m not familiar/ friendly with most people who are attending - I feel a bit obliged to go but also recognise (through recent work coaching) I need to push out of my introverted ways and expand my network. I’m hoping doing so will help me make my day job easier, which is not easy currently and quite demanding.

I just feel horrid, but I’m pushing ahead and going despite really wishing I wasn’t.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Redebs · 25/05/2023 07:07

That is controlling and cruel.

Show him this thread.

He needs to do better and try harder.

44PumpLane · 25/05/2023 07:08

Talk to your neighbour and see if they are able to take your son and collect.

Talk to your son, make sure he knows it will be his responsibility to be dressed and ready on time.

Then talk to your husband, in front of your son "son understands he will be getting himself ready for x time and popping next door to Sheilas. Sheila will was him round and then bring him back at end of night so there is no extra work for you DH as I know you were struggling to manage".

Then if your shitty husband wants to poo poo the plans it is very clear it is him with the problem and nothing to do with you as you have arranged a solution that requires no input from your husband.

Clymene · 25/05/2023 07:09

Please, please ask your neighbour to take your DS. Don't let him miss out because your husband is a spiteful prick.

LlynTegid · 25/05/2023 07:10

Ask neighbour as suggested.

Hope the work event is at least tolerable.

PatchworkElmer · 25/05/2023 07:11

So he’s using your child’s distress to punish you? Nice.

Speak to the neighbour, ask if she could have DS for tea and take him to the disco, and you’ll return the favour over the summer. Remind your DH that he should be prioritising his child’s happiness and well-being over his own petty grudges.

Would he see it as ‘palming off’ if similar arrangements were made to accommodate his work?

Rewis · 25/05/2023 07:15

But why is this such an issue for him? Having to walk to school an extra time sounds something that's just not optimal. But neither is most things with kids! So why this martyr act for doing basic parenting?

Dragonsandcats · 25/05/2023 07:16

I would ask your neighbour if your ds could go there straight from school and go to disco with them. Your dh is a controlling arsehole but I’d be surprised if this is the first time he’s been horrible. Do you normally back down?

Biscuitsandpizza · 25/05/2023 07:19

But the point is @PineapplePrincess , even if it was a 'fun night out' (which, hopefully it will be anyway!), your DH is still being so unfair in trying to guilt you into not going. You're allowed fun nights out, you're allowed a night away from your children. It is not your fault if your DS doesn't get to go to the disco (although there are no reasons why he shouldn't), it's entirely your DH's.

Personally, I'd sort it with the neighbour so your DH has no choice, if you know he won't ask and won't take himself.

But do not cancel, his selfishness does not trump your need to go to a work event.

NerrSnerr · 25/05/2023 07:30

He's doing it to punish you. I bet there is other evidence of bad behaviour from him too.

GoGoJasonWaterfalls · 25/05/2023 07:35

Definitely go to the event and network. You'll need this job and its salary when you leave your husband.

CornishGem1975 · 25/05/2023 07:38

Nothing about those disco logistics sounds difficult, unless you want it to be difficult.

Jifmicroliquid · 25/05/2023 07:42

Is your husband always an idiot?
Some men seem incapable of doing things if it means a slight bit of disruption to their comfortable lives, and this sounds very much the case here.

Stressedgiraffe · 25/05/2023 07:46

I'm away for work next week for the whole week. DH has said have fun if you can. He's more than capable of looking after the dds. As he's not a prick.
It's 1 night! He should be able to take ds to a disco! Definitely ask your neighbour.
What happens if you needed to go away for longer?

TheaBrandt · 25/05/2023 07:53

It’s one of those incidents that sounds small but actually isn’t. If the person you are married to is working against you - what’s the fucking point? In a family you all work together where possible to support those in the family. Otherwise you are not really a family at all.

TheaBrandt · 25/05/2023 07:55

Dh was doing a massive race on our family holiday a few years ago. I developed a sudden dental emergency and we had to go to a foreign dentist over there so he missed his race as only he spoke the language and dds were young. Not one word of regret or moaning about missing it. Family first.

Maltedmilk23 · 25/05/2023 07:57

Soery but What an a** you and your kids deserve better

Mummadeze · 25/05/2023 07:58

Mine would behave the same as this. He is trying to make you not want to go to your work thing, or at least say no to the next one. You have to go. Lean on friends to organise the disco. He needs to see that he can’t control you or the situation. He won’t be happy but stand your ground. That’s my advice.

AnneElliott · 25/05/2023 08:00

What a dickhead. Most of us mum have managed that and more with our kids - what's wrong with him?

FlamingoQueen · 25/05/2023 08:00

What!! Is he that much of a pathetic human being that he can’t walk his son next door for a school disco or at least let the neighbour take him ?
Could your ds go to tea with his friend and have a change of clothes there? Surely, if you’ve organised this then he can’t complain, if it is ‘your’ fault that your son can’t go, make plans so that he can.
Why don’t you suggest that you abandon your career, stay at home and put your pinafore on just so that your son can attend the disco - just because he can’t be arsed to let him attend.
For some reason this is making my blood boil. I know some hopeless parents through my job, but have not seen any of them do this! Your poor ds. I feel so sorry for him. Great male role model!

Stopsnowing · 25/05/2023 08:00

Further to the op update about her husband refusing to countenance a neighbour helping out- I think
you need to make the school aware that the neighbour has permission
to pick up and also generally make the school aware that the husband is being abusive.

arethereanyleftatall · 25/05/2023 08:06

Wow.

It isn't often you can read a snapshot of one tiny event in a persons life, and it show so much.

D.I.V.O.R.C.E

Literally start the ball rolling today.

He is spiteful. He is controlling. He is selfish. He is mean. He is prepared to deliberately withhold something from your son, to make you do something. That is absolutely and utterly abhorrent.

Almost regardless of the logistics, you and your children will be a billion times happier and have a better future without him in your lives.

3WildOnes · 25/05/2023 08:06

PineapplePrincess · 24/05/2023 22:22

Thank you for the replies, makes me feel better that I’m not out on a limb here.

I have suggested neighbour takes DS (along with her DS who is in the same year; both boys do get along well) and I’m pretty sure she would happily do so - she’s offered in the past. But DH doesn’t want to hear any of it. He stating it’s our responsibility to look after DS, not to palm him off on others when we have something better to do.

I don’t have any family to ask. And DH’s family are too far away to help out on this occasion (not that he’d ask them either - doesn’t like to be indebted to people!)

This is so spiteful of him.
Im so sorry that your husband is so awful.

How does he behave if you want to go out for dinner or drinks with friends for an evening?
What if you wanted to go away for a weekend with your friends?
Is he generally controlling?

sm40 · 25/05/2023 08:16

What happens when he wants to go out. I'd assume you'd be expected to take ds to the disco.
I have no family nearby. My kids social life has depended on lift swaps and favours and dh doing his bit.
I'm going out for drinks tomorrow. Dh or a friend will pick dd up from a party. Not a big issue.

Springclean8 · 25/05/2023 08:17

Wow. I am incensed in your behalf Op. The way he is punishing your son in an effort to control you is absolutely awful. I wonder if you have spent the night thinking of all the other examples that have sprung to mind. The fact you were doubting yourself on this makes me think this is a pattern of behaviour that you've come to accept as normal. But it's not. Don't let him ruin this for you and your son x

M103 · 25/05/2023 08:56

Definitely NOT your fault. As previous posters said your husband is a twat. It is HIS fault.

Get neighbour to invite DS for a playdate and take him to disco afterwards and back, email the school ti let them know who's picking up Ds, and tell husband afterwards that it's all been arranged, DS has been invited by neighbour, her DS really wanted hours over so you couldn't decline.

In any case, your DS will be devastated if he doesn't go to the disco, but in the grand scheme of things it's a small thing, he'll be fine. Your work event is far more important, for your career and for you as a person. Definitely go. You need to learn to put yourself first sometimes. Also, if you don't go you will be teaching your husband that he can manipulate you like this - a very bad precedence.