Work Event vs School Disco

[PineapplePrincess]

Sanity check please…

I have an overnighter for work. Select management community, first time I’ve qualified to attend despite a long history working for the company. Evening dinner (finishes by 10pm) followed by all day workshops. Starts the next day at 8:30am. Even if I didn’t do the overnighter there is no way I would get to the venue for an 8am start with childcare, traffic, etc.

I’ve chosen to stay over. Something DH was not exactly pleased about at the time, but he’s entirely capable of looking after our two DS. (Last work overnighter was 2-3years ago, for context.)

Overnighter coincides with oldest DS(9) disco. Something I wasn’t aware of at the point I agreed to go. DH is now refusing to take DS to disco, which DS is distraught about.

It would be awkward with school finishing (DS walks home at 3pm) nursery pick-up (latest 6pm), dinner, disco drop off (7pm), disco pick up (8pm) and bed downs. But it’s not impossible. I’ve suggest options to make things work - e.g. order pizza for dinner, skip the evening baths, let the boys stay up a bit later, ask neighbour (who’s son is also attending) to pick DS up at end of disco. The school and nursery are literally next door to our house, so it’s not a huge trek just cumbersome.

But he’s refusing to consider any options which could make the disco work. And it’s my fault DS can’t go.

I’m feeling so guilty and kinda wish I could cancel, but now worry it’s too late as company would be charged hotels costs and my last minute withdrawal would likely be ‘noted’.

DH is making it sound like off for a fun night on the town with my friends, abandoning him and kids - when actually I’m dreading the whole thing. I’m not familiar/ friendly with most people who are attending - I feel a bit obliged to go but also recognise (through recent work coaching) I need to push out of my introverted ways and expand my network. I’m hoping doing so will help me make my day job easier, which is not easy currently and quite demanding.

I just feel horrid, but I’m pushing ahead and going despite really wishing I wasn’t.

AIBU?

That sounds pretty controlling, hope you are ok.

Does he feel out of his depth with the kids? A lot of dads do and don’t admit it - not excusing him putting it on you though

He is deliberately hurting your son to punish you what an utter utter cunt

Well I thought he was an arse before but this confirms it.
Yes it is his responsibility to look after DS but he's not willing to put himself out to do that. Looking after doesn't just mean feeding, bathing and putting to bed, it means facilitating important (to DS) activities. He won't do it, you are busy with work so have offered to facilitate (via the neighbour). He doesn't get to say no to the arrangement. He is meant to be an equal parent to you - not a parent who gets to overrule arrangements you have made in DS best interests.
Stay firm OP. Has anyone suggested he is being reasonable here?

Stick to your guns.
Ask your neighbours (and say why)
Reevaluate your relationship with your arse of a DH.

I cannot imagine punishing my child to hurt my spouse. But, I'm not a twatwaffle.

I would definitely make arrangements for the neighbor to take him. I would make arrangements for the neighbor to pick him up from school so that he goes straight there that day. And possibly spend the night as well so that your husband doesn't have the opportunity to put the kibosh on it.

He is an absolute cunt.
and a shit dad and an even shitter husband. How DARE he emotionally blackmail you like this?

Is he always a complete that, or is this a first.

i like the earlier suggestion of showing him this thread.

"D"H .... If you do read this, You are a prize knob. Awful to your poor child, awful to your wife.
Give your head a wobble and ask yourself why you are being so nasty.

*twat

My phone doesn't like me swearing 😁

So he’s against you furthering you career, and he’ll punish your child to get to you. I could not be with someone like this. What a deeply unpleasant and sad little man he must be. Pathetic.

"Dh, are you sure that you want to let our dc down by refusing to take him, ok, then I will speak to the other parents/ teachers and tell them what a knob you're being the situation, maybe someone can step up for you help me to get our son there without you".

Then tell the world what an arsehole he's being.

OP, your update makes your DH sound worse if anything, dismissing a perfectly good solution as if he's in charge. Why is he able to dictate what you do and don't do? He sounds really controlling, and the fact you called your first post a 'sanity check' suggests that he has you doubting your own judgement.

And it’s my fault DS can’t go.

No, it’s not. It’s 100% your D(ickhead)H fault.

The only conceivable way it’s your fault is because you had children with a selfish arsehole. And you get a free pass on that because so many of them are.

Arrange it with your neighbour. If your DH wants to then unarrange it he’ll have to explain directly to neighbour whilst looking like the selfish twat he is. Social embarrassment will mean he won’t unarrange it.

Tough for DS but he will get over it. I think it's really important you go, stand your ground and set yourself up career wise as your DH is an abusive arsehole. Is he controlling in other ways?

It would be awkward with school finishing (DS walks home at 3pm) nursery pick-up (latest 6pm), dinner, disco drop off (7pm), disco pick up (8pm) and bed downs. But it’s not impossible. I’ve suggest options to make things work - e.g. order pizza for dinner, skip the evening baths, let the boys stay up a bit later, ask neighbour (who’s son is also attending) to pick DS up at end of disco. The school and nursery are literally next door to our house, so it’s not a huge trek just cumbersome.

I mean, I read this and I thought so fucking what? Isn’t that just everyday primary-school parent life? Have more than one kid, suck up some day to day scheduling inconvenience. You live next door to school and nursery, it could hardly be less inconvenient, really. He shouldn’t need you to suggest skipping baths and ordering pizza for a fucking school disco pick up. Wanker.

Tell him you are speaking to the neighbour and if he even thinks about trying to ruin anything for either you or your son because he is a petty jealous prick then you will not forgive him nor will you forget.

I don't say this easily, but I would find it really hard to move past this. What a nasty, spiteful man. I would seriously consider ending the relationship over this - he's showing how little respect he has for you, and for your child.

I am not LTB advocate usually, but I agree. I would struggle to be in a relationship of any kind with someone that could be so cruel to a child. I get that it's inconvenient, but parenting is inconvenient. And it looks like there are quite a few good solutions available.

Your DH sounds incredibly spiteful but I'm wondering does your son actually need dropping off and collecting if you live beside the school?

DH is a massive knob. Tell him I said that

So you think her DS should miss the disco because OP’s twat of a husband won’t take him there, and wont allow a neighbour to take him either?

I would not be putting up with this childish behaviour and would be telling him to wind his neck in and remember he is the parent too and not just a babysitter

To go in a sulk and deny your DS a party just because he is in a mood is unforgivable

I bet everything I own that if it was him on a works trip your DS would still be going to that disco!

Yes. It's a school disco for 9 year old, not the GCSEs. She's clearly in a very misogynistic, if not abusive, relationship and she needs to prioritise her career. Backing out now will be very damaging work wise. For the sake of her son's future, she needs to have a solid career option and have options for the future.

And it’s my fault DS can’t go.

Its been said many times but it's worth saying again. It 100% is NOT your fault

If this is the first time DH has acted this way then its a "I have arranged with Neighbour to take DS to the disco. If I find out you cancelled this arrangement and DS doesn't go then we are over. This is your one and only warning that I won't be pushed around and emotionally blackmailed."

If its not, if you can look back and see a pattern you hadn't noticed before, if you've ever felt controlled then it's time to look at LTB asap and putting plans in place for DC whilst at this works event without using DH

Your husband is an asshole. The fact that he will let your son miss out to “punish” you is horrible. If this is out of character for him I would show him this thread to hopefully make him realise how unacceptable his behaviour is. If it is another example of him being a controlling man I would rethink the relationship.

Your husband needs to be told to stop being a dick. If he wants to make life difficult for you he needs to realise that you can and will return the favour.
The reality is that you need to go to this over night work event. It's a chance for you to meet people, gain more knowledge, show off your skills ect. Preforming well at work events like this can get you noticed by people in your organisation and can help you move up or sideways at a later date.

Tell your husband that for your job you have to go to this event and him doing this is not going to change your mind. Tell him since it so hard for him to put himself out for you and his child you will be asking your friend to collect and bring his child to this event and you will also tell her the reason why.

Ask him would he like his child to be told that your father is to mean to put himself out to bring you to and from this event?
Ask him does he want the parents in your son's class taking about him?

Then after you say this lock your bedroom door and tell him he can sleep on the couch.
Don't do any cooking or washing for your husband for a few days. A few night bad sleep on a couch and no wife work that makes his life easy he might just cop on.

My feeling is that he quite happy to let you carry far more of the load. The reality is that if you
both work their are going to be times that one of you have to work late or travel. The other person then steps up to mind the kids ect. I am sure he has no problem when due to your salary that as a family you have a better living standard rather than trying to manage on 1 income.