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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To withdraw my child from school sports day

667 replies

MissHoollie · 24/05/2023 20:02

So my son age 7 has been upset for a few weeks about sports day and " always coming last"
None of us in the family are sporty and my other children " were always last " but they didn't mind at all and it almost became a family joke with them enjoying the fact it was a family tradition to be rubbish at sport
So my 7 year old is begging not to take part
We've done all the " it's fine ..someone has to be last in the races "
" You are good at other things "
" It's part of life "
But he's still loosing sleep over it all.
They've been practicing all week which is winding him up even more.
So it occurred to me , and this is where I need perspective.
Would schools parade kids out in order of best reader to worst for all the parents to applause the best reader? ,no of course not ,so why do schools do this?
Yes it's good to celebrate success but why is it so demoralising for some kids ?
Am I being unreasonable taking him out of school that day?
As I say looking for other perspectives

OP posts:
Theydontknowthatweknowthattheyknow · 24/05/2023 23:14

TheOriginalEmu · 24/05/2023 22:46

Schools make it very clear who is the best reader, yes. All the time.

How do schools let people know who the best reader is? Mine is only in reception and is top of the class by miles in reading but she has no idea and neither do the other kids/parents as far as I know. In the same way I know there's a couple of kids in the class who are comparable to rainman with their numeracy but I couldn't tell you who they are. The kids are also split into ability groups for their phonics and maths but tbh even I don't know which group my dd is in for Maths never mind the kids

SouthLondonMum22 · 24/05/2023 23:14

Delatron · 24/05/2023 23:09

Nobody is being humiliated. Someone has to come last in every race - so what at least 20 races. There’s quite a bit of projection on here. There’s nothing humiliating about coming last in one race.

What will happen in secondary - will you pull them out of PE lessons where they do races and athletics? Every sports day there? Surely it’s better to learn you can’t be good at everything. It’s not even failing. It’s a running competition that doesn’t really matter.

If it doesn't matter, why is is so very important that they must do it?

It also isn't the only way to learn that you can't be good at everything.

Bellie710 · 24/05/2023 23:15

So if you are not good at reading or spelling are you allowed to take the day off when there is a test?

My DD has dyslexia and struggled with some of the academic tests, she was also very good at a specific sport and competed at a high level. The school refused to have a competitive sports day as they said it was unfair to the kids that were not good at sport yet they had a table on the wall with the top 10 for reading and spelling tests.
Children will fail and excel at different things in life but taking them out of these tests does absolutely nothing for them, they have to learn that in life you will not always be good at everything.

Chateaulaohshit · 24/05/2023 23:17

I understand your concerns but personally I agree with others that opting out of life when things get hard or you aren’t the best at something isn’t something I would want to encourage in my own children.

someone made a comment up thread that in maths and English you don’t have to stand up and perform in front of others, this isn’t true, from reading lines in scripts in front of the class, to presenting power points to performing in school events, topic assembly’s all the way up to the pressure of exams.

life is full of bumps, knocks, times where you feel sad, upset, insecure but the best way you can help as a parent is prepare your child for it all not remove the experiences or they will never build any resilience.

Frosto · 24/05/2023 23:17

Sports Day isn't a school day, take him to a gallery or museum or theatre. I was always last in races and hated it, I was great at spelling but knew never to laugh at the dyslexic kid for finishing last in spelling tests, I never understood the double standard

VestaTilley · 24/05/2023 23:17

Book the day off and take him out somewhere.

No, it’s probably not a great life lesson to learn. Maybe it is good to know he’s not best at something or gets to see life from the point of view of the poor child who does badly at academic work, BUT if he’s worrying himself sick about it, stressed or scared, just keep him off.

My DS is a sensitive little soul, far more so than I expected from my very outgoing and larger than life baby; if he was really sick with fear over something I wouldn’t put him through it.

Delatron · 24/05/2023 23:18

Bellie710 · 24/05/2023 23:15

So if you are not good at reading or spelling are you allowed to take the day off when there is a test?

My DD has dyslexia and struggled with some of the academic tests, she was also very good at a specific sport and competed at a high level. The school refused to have a competitive sports day as they said it was unfair to the kids that were not good at sport yet they had a table on the wall with the top 10 for reading and spelling tests.
Children will fail and excel at different things in life but taking them out of these tests does absolutely nothing for them, they have to learn that in life you will not always be good at everything.

Yep. My primary school never had a competitive sports day either.

It’s utter rubbish that kids don’t know (and parents) where they sit in the class - they even get streamed in maths and spelling in primary. Do people honestly think these children don’t know they’re in the bottom maths set?

I used to go in and listen to kids reading. They were all on tables according to reading ability. And they all knew the level of books they were reading. Honestly.

Kanaloa · 24/05/2023 23:21

Delatron · 24/05/2023 23:18

Yep. My primary school never had a competitive sports day either.

It’s utter rubbish that kids don’t know (and parents) where they sit in the class - they even get streamed in maths and spelling in primary. Do people honestly think these children don’t know they’re in the bottom maths set?

I used to go in and listen to kids reading. They were all on tables according to reading ability. And they all knew the level of books they were reading. Honestly.

And presumably they made every child at every table demonstrate their reading prowess or difficulties in front of all their classmates and assorted parents/family members on a special ‘reading day,’ with prizes awarded to those who were good at reading, plus team events where the ones who struggled would pull the reading team down causing resentment?

No, they didn’t. That’s why it’s different. If they were split into streaming/ability groups in PE when learning new skills that would be comparable. Being forced to compete publically in something you have no confidence in is not the same thing as being in different reading groups based on ability.

Delatron · 24/05/2023 23:24

Kanaloa · 24/05/2023 23:21

And presumably they made every child at every table demonstrate their reading prowess or difficulties in front of all their classmates and assorted parents/family members on a special ‘reading day,’ with prizes awarded to those who were good at reading, plus team events where the ones who struggled would pull the reading team down causing resentment?

No, they didn’t. That’s why it’s different. If they were split into streaming/ability groups in PE when learning new skills that would be comparable. Being forced to compete publically in something you have no confidence in is not the same thing as being in different reading groups based on ability.

Of course they read in front of the class! And yes there were prizes for those that were good at maths. And constant tests where they all knew the results…all year round.

Not one single day where they had to come last because their egg fell off a spoon or something ridiculous. It’s one day.

What are you teaching your child if they can’t cope with that?

MyOtherCarIsAPorsche · 24/05/2023 23:24

Hmmm - lacking in resilience 🤔

My granddaughter (year 2) is also lacking in collagen. She's extremely hyper-mobile (her mum has EDS and we suspect she does). Her elbows and knees hyperextend so much it makes everyone cringe and recoil. She has proprioception issues. She has flat feet and wears deep, cupped inserts in all footwear. Her hips, knees and shins are constantly painful. Despite the orthotics, she still runs with a heavy, bent forwards gait. She's tall for her age, very skinny and unfortunately - very unco-ordinated. She can't ride a scooter. She can't ride a bicycle. She can't balance on a balance bike.

She came last in all five races last year - and by massive margins. Although the school staff were supportive and encouraging and enthusiastically cheered her on to keep going until she finished, others were not so 'nice' and were sniggering and rolling their eyes at the amount of time she took to get to the finish line.

She was in tears during the sack race - who in their right mind would put a child with suspected ASD, dyspraxia and dyslexia in a sack and make them jump? She fell many times along the way and was still made to finish the course - several minutes after everyone else had finished.

I can't tell you how this made me feel - watching her sob along track and being made to finish - because it builds resilience. I don't know about that, but she has nightmares about it. She's begging not to do sports day this year - again sobbing and shaking at the thought of it.

She's not sporty. She's not academic. When asked how she feels at school - she says 'lonely'.

I certainly don't want to watch her go through hell again this year. I've told mum that I can't bear to watch it all again but I feel I have to go or she'll notice and ask me why I didn't turn up.

Her physiotherapist goes into school regularly to see her - I'm thinking of asking her opinion about putting her through this ordeal again this year - I would love to hear that she didn't have to endure it.

I'm fully aware that someone has to come last in races, but finishing in 'the pack' shortly after the 'winner' and finishing several minutes after peers is a different kettle of fish.

She excels with regards to the Harry Potter books. She has encyclopaedic/photographic knowledge of all the books. She recites huge chunks of text. She answers questions with great detail - knows which book, chapter and page to find the correct information from. She's obsessed. No one can touch her Harry Potter collection. Her knowledge of this subject would make her appear to be a genius but her knowledge comes from a narrow field of not so well written literature.

I feel that no one can justify a competitive sports day in her instance - but let's forge ahead and build her 'resilience' - eh?

Here's to another sack race!

PopcorningLikeAHappyGuineaPig · 24/05/2023 23:25

I do accept there's a difference between a child feeling a bit uncomfortable and self conscious about sports day, and a child who is sick and shaking with anxiety, unable to sleep etc. I think there's a point where it may be better not to force the issue. As a child grows older and learns what they are good at, they will likely find sports day less of an issue.

however I think OP should be honest about why D S isn't attending . No lies because that will bite OP on the butt at a later date.

Ineedtoloseweightnow · 24/05/2023 23:27

So as a teacher sports day is all about fun and not who comes first. Our schools normally do lots of different activities not just the races now.
As a parent, my dd hates it. It’s not because she isn’t sporty she hates people watching her and she generally doesn’t like any competition. Eg she loves bake off but made me watch the first episode time and time again as she didn’t want people to be put out 🤣
My amazingly crafty little lady went to the toilet on her first sports day at race time and did the same the following year. This year. she has already been talking about it and planning her toilet strategy!! I did think about bringing it up at her parents night but thought better of it. This is what makes her happy and comfortable then so be it, hopefully one day she will have the confidence to participate. I also didn’t want to break her confidence and trust by telling on her. Maybe he could use this strategy too 🤣 Tbh I was very impressed at how clever she was at the age of 5 to come up with this!

Kanaloa · 24/05/2023 23:27

Delatron · 24/05/2023 23:24

Of course they read in front of the class! And yes there were prizes for those that were good at maths. And constant tests where they all knew the results…all year round.

Not one single day where they had to come last because their egg fell off a spoon or something ridiculous. It’s one day.

What are you teaching your child if they can’t cope with that?

A mandatory public event, with parents and assorted relatives invited, all watching them perform readings, where only the competent readers are rewarded and those who struggle are forced to perform anyway. This is comparable to sports day. This does not happen. Therefore it is not comparable.

I’m teaching my child that they do not have to compete in public athletics events if they don’t want to do so, and that exercise should be done to make us feel good, and in a way we’re comfortable with. What else would I teach them?

Frosto · 24/05/2023 23:29

@MyOtherCarIsAPorsche you should offer to take your grand daughter to school on the day of the sports day, then whatsapp mum and dad and tell them you have taken her out for the day to make happy memories. I am an 80's child with ADHD and Dyspraxia, I can tell you now coming last and having people laugh at me did not give me the blooming character everyone told me it would!

if you take her to the cinema and for macdonalds instead of sports day she will remember that day for the rest of her life.

Delatron · 24/05/2023 23:30

Kanaloa · 24/05/2023 23:27

A mandatory public event, with parents and assorted relatives invited, all watching them perform readings, where only the competent readers are rewarded and those who struggle are forced to perform anyway. This is comparable to sports day. This does not happen. Therefore it is not comparable.

I’m teaching my child that they do not have to compete in public athletics events if they don’t want to do so, and that exercise should be done to make us feel good, and in a way we’re comfortable with. What else would I teach them?

You appear to place huge importance on this event - inviting relatives, talking about public humiliation. This hasn’t been my experience at all. I didn’t actually go every year - most certainly relatives did not. And it was all non- competitive (yay) anyway. I think you are really overthinking sports day.

Kanaloa · 24/05/2023 23:33

Delatron · 24/05/2023 23:30

You appear to place huge importance on this event - inviting relatives, talking about public humiliation. This hasn’t been my experience at all. I didn’t actually go every year - most certainly relatives did not. And it was all non- competitive (yay) anyway. I think you are really overthinking sports day.

I don’t place any importance on it 😂 I don’t even make my kids do it if they don’t want to!

And relatives generally do attend sports days. It’s not about me ‘inviting relatives,’ of mine to attend I’m talking about relatives of the children there.

StillMedusa · 24/05/2023 23:33

I have 4 kids... now adults. Two were ok at sports (neither into team sports but quite happy to do sports day, and for hobbies one a super bendy kick boxer, the other a stunt skater)
Two were hopeless... a short bendy girl and a splint wearing boy with physical and learning disabilties.
Short bendy girl avoided all sports..and I let her. She failed PE GSCE for heavens sake Grin while getting straight A/A* for the rest. However when she LEFT school she hit the gym, ran quite a few half marathons... she found her own thing...and is now an exceedingly resilient adult in a high pressure high achieving career!

DS2 has been doing SN rugby for 10 years..loves it.. moves like he's been assembled very badly but enjoys it!

Neither have been made 'less resilient' by not having to endure sports day. I respected their feelings and it was fine.

I HATED sports day. I was hopeless. Always last to be picked in PE, couldn't run, throw, catch...

Yet at 48 I got my black belt in Taekwondo... was seriously fit... and it took resilience!

Sack off the day....

Kanaloa · 24/05/2023 23:34

But I see you’ve totally deflected from your insistence that apparently being in reading sets is just the same since of course you’ve realised that’s just nonsense.

ChaToilLeam · 24/05/2023 23:38

Sports day was absolutely humiliating for me every year and I would have been so grateful to have skipped it. It ingrained a hatred of sport that has stayed with me until adulthood. At the age of 14 I just refused to do it anymore and nobody could force me.

Bagpuss2022 · 24/05/2023 23:39

Sometimes you have to learn life lessons and yes there is maths and English awards and the kids know who on the “top table” etc
my DD is 13 she’s will be first to admit she is “rubbish” at conventional sport she even said yesterday she has no hand eye coordination and can’t catch a ball.
she rides horses to a high level and the same for dance she’s found her thing
and now her favourite subject is pe she can laugh at herself she’s in bottom set but she’s the fastest in y8 so she’s also recently found a love for running.
if you do this once it will set a president and what will you do when he doesn’t want to do pe? Take him out every time

Theyreallydidaskthat · 24/05/2023 23:40

YABU - You are supposed to be helping him build resilience.

Theyreallydidaskthat · 24/05/2023 23:43

Theydontknowthatweknowthattheyknow · 24/05/2023 23:14

How do schools let people know who the best reader is? Mine is only in reception and is top of the class by miles in reading but she has no idea and neither do the other kids/parents as far as I know. In the same way I know there's a couple of kids in the class who are comparable to rainman with their numeracy but I couldn't tell you who they are. The kids are also split into ability groups for their phonics and maths but tbh even I don't know which group my dd is in for Maths never mind the kids

Every single chid know where there sit in the academic food chain. Academic success is lauded both overtly and covertly.

SparklyBlackKitten · 24/05/2023 23:43

Are you planning on taking him out of math class as well because he doesn't like always being last and not understanding it?

Sorry op but having him opt out teaches him nothing. Except for "when things get hard : give up"

Escapetofrance · 24/05/2023 23:46

Primary school teacher here and I would absolutely take your ds out when it’s sports day if it has a knock on his self esteem. It’s not worth it and no lessons of any worth will be learnt.

MyOtherCarIsAPorsche · 24/05/2023 23:48

@Frosto

That's a great idea. I would rather be anywhere else with her on sports day. But teachers do insist on inclusivity so she feels she must obey every instruction. She is a people pleaser in the extreme.

Unfortunately, it wouldn't work for DGD because she will not break any rules.

She has a very black and white view of rules and regulations. She follows rules quite literally and to the letter.

She gets very frustrated when other children 'break rules' and it can lead to her stimming which is mainly her punching herself in the face.

She doesn't understand why others break rules and she feels she has to punish herself for others' behaviour.

She just does as the teacher says - one of her traits.

At home, ask her to put her shoes on - selective deafness. 😬