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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To withdraw my child from school sports day

667 replies

MissHoollie · 24/05/2023 20:02

So my son age 7 has been upset for a few weeks about sports day and " always coming last"
None of us in the family are sporty and my other children " were always last " but they didn't mind at all and it almost became a family joke with them enjoying the fact it was a family tradition to be rubbish at sport
So my 7 year old is begging not to take part
We've done all the " it's fine ..someone has to be last in the races "
" You are good at other things "
" It's part of life "
But he's still loosing sleep over it all.
They've been practicing all week which is winding him up even more.
So it occurred to me , and this is where I need perspective.
Would schools parade kids out in order of best reader to worst for all the parents to applause the best reader? ,no of course not ,so why do schools do this?
Yes it's good to celebrate success but why is it so demoralising for some kids ?
Am I being unreasonable taking him out of school that day?
As I say looking for other perspectives

OP posts:
Furrydog7 · 25/05/2023 21:02

I was not allowed time off for sports day. I was crap at sport. It has not made me more resillient. I stopped doing sport as soon as i left school. I accept that it is not possible to be good at everything but i got teased for been crap at sport. Yet i was always bottom of the class in science and everyone was really nice about it. A boy who lived on the same street as me was subjected to terrible bullying as he was not good at sport. His parents ended up pulling him out of scool as it got so bad.

carduelis · 25/05/2023 21:13

Buttonbee24 · 25/05/2023 20:48

For many children for whom reading, writing and general school work are difficult, sports day is their turn to shine. Everyone has different talents/favourite activities. The other students don’t get taken out of maths/English etc when they find it hard. Everyone should be celebrating each others successes x

No, but you wouldn’t expect the pupils who struggle with English or Maths to be forced to compete in those subjects in front of the whole school either, would you?

No-one’s advocating taking a child out of PE lessons just like no-one would advocate taking a child out of Maths lessons. It’s the enforced public competition that’s the issue.

FloralBloomers · 25/05/2023 21:15

just like children don't get to opt out of PE because they're not the best in it

Nobody is suggesting children should opt out of PE lessons.

FloralBloomers · 25/05/2023 21:17

Therefore I think sports day is very important as it gives the child who struggles academically the chance to excel

Not necessarily, some don't excel at either. Double whammy.

ToWhitToWhoo · 25/05/2023 21:36

Buttonbee24 · 25/05/2023 20:48

For many children for whom reading, writing and general school work are difficult, sports day is their turn to shine. Everyone has different talents/favourite activities. The other students don’t get taken out of maths/English etc when they find it hard. Everyone should be celebrating each others successes x

No, they don't get taken out of lessons in their weak subjects (neither should non-sporty children get taken out of PE lessons); but they also don't get forced to compete publicly in them in front of the whole school and all the parents, and, unless the school is VERY tough about photo-taking. very likely snapped on a lot of mobile phones and possibly shared on social media.

WeeWillyWinkie9 · 25/05/2023 21:38

SouthLondonMum22 · 25/05/2023 17:27

In primary school? With parents cheering/clapping?

Show quote history

The comment wasn't cheering and clapping now was it?

ToWhitToWhoo · 25/05/2023 21:40

Nospringchix · 25/05/2023 20:04

This was me. The other kids would get annoyed with me because I made the team lose. It was every bit as bad as coming last in individual races. I have no positive memories of sports days.

Show quote history

Exactly. I never minded that much about coming last (which I generally did!); but I did find it very upsetting if team-mates got angry with me for making the team lose.

WiddlinDiddlin · 25/05/2023 21:45

Sporty types: "Won't scar anyone at all."

Dozens of posters: "It did scar me - I remember the humiliation 20/30/40/50/60+ years down the line."

When will people grasp, just because this wasn't your experience, does not mean it wasn't their experience.

It definitely scarred me. We're not talking coming in a few paces behind the second to last runner.

We're talking (generally) about stumbling over the line wheezing and in pain, with patronising (thats what it feels like, intent is not relevant) cheers ringing in our ears, painfully aware that everyone is waiting for us to finish so that the next event can start, often many minutes after the last person finished.

We're not talking about 'not winning' - I can absolutely handle not winning, not being the best, not coming first - I bet every single 'sports day sucks' person here would agree.

It's about the arse-clenching humiliation, the red faced, tears prickling your eyes, cheeks burning embarrassment and the bottomless pit of fucking futility, that you're going to spend the day in. Coming dead last, wheezing, gasping, time-her-with-a-calendar (said by a teacher. about me.), tortoises move quicker... last. Every. Fucking. Time.

I wasn't even shit at all sports... I could ride horses, climb fairly complex routes, go down caves, I had several ski school levels, I was good at archery, swimming, canoeing...

None of those things mattered, because none were done at school in front of a jeering patronising audience, in fact my woeful performance on the athletics field meant that my weekend journals of the active stuff we'd done was met with derison and 'Widdlin has an active imagination' because no fucker believed me!

Let the kids who want to run, run - let those who find it horrific and would rather not, sit it out or do something else to be involved in the organsation and planning.

Its a few days of a kids life, they don't HAVE to experience this shit to become resilient well rounded adults. The fact people DO believe children have to suffer this is actually pretty fucking worrying!

carduelis · 25/05/2023 21:53

Also re: winning/losing with grace - we can still learn to do this if we’re allowed to choose what we compete in.

I do wonder how all the people who are totally in favour of enforced participation in sports days would feel if they were forced to stand on a stage in front of everyone they knew and sing or paint or dance or some other skill they were truly awful at and then have their performance ranked alongside people who were much better than them…

JustPoppinBy · 25/05/2023 21:53

fUNNYfACE36 · 24/05/2023 20:10

So do the poor readers get to opt out of reading or the poor mathematicians out of a maths test.teach him to grow some resilence

So sick of the whole ‘teach kids resilience’ narrative 🥱 I had thought (hoped) this chain of thought had ended with lockdown.
After the regular concern around children’s mental health over the last few years it’s surely time to start practicing what we preach! Nothing is worth a little boy feeling anxiety like that over! Keep him off, let him know he’s mums got his back ❤️

MrsCarson · 25/05/2023 22:01

YANBU. My older kids never had school sports day (living abroad) They would have hated it as they weren't fast runners either, but instead had end of school year activity day, people came in and did so many different activities for them, it needed careful planning, with timetables for each activity and kids allowed to choose things they loved. Acting class, Cup cake decorating, Dance class, Painting, Pottery, Circus performing, Native American rock painting with the local tribe, Every child loved it as they could find something they enjoyed. At the end was a big party in the yard, music and dancing. Many of the same people came each year to do the class, so from year to year, kids knew which they loved and wanted to repeat. I loved their school.

DarkDarkNight · 25/05/2023 22:05

It’s really sad he’s feeling that way. Speak to the teacher. I know my son always ends up in extra races because some children don’t want to take part (he’s not mega sporty, just very confident). Are there some team games like tug of war where it’s not an individual coming last?

Mothershit · 25/05/2023 22:13

I regularly booked a day of leave and spent it at home with my kids on sports day throughout theor school years. Sports day was rubbish. In actual fact both of them represented their country at their chosen sport and continue to be accomplished sportsmen... but they were crap at bloody bean bag races and sitting out in the hot sub getting sunburnt. I also thoroughly disliked the mummy mafia who acted like I was some kind of slattern for having a full time job - they all seemed to lunch all the time... we moved to be near a good school and ebded up living amongst a very cliquey bunch. We gave ourselves permission to opt out and it was awesome.

carduelis · 25/05/2023 22:30

Surely a better lesson in resilience would be choosing to enter a competition in something they’re good at, not winning, and having another go next time. What does being made to compete publicly in something they hate teach a child? That if someone more powerful than you tells you to demonstrate how bad you are at something you hate in front of everyone you know - for no-one’s apparent benefit - you just have to suck it up and do it? I’m not sure that’s the great life lesson so many people seem to think it is.

Macinae · 25/05/2023 22:41

I missed most of my sports days. Still turned into a resilient and independent adult. Life's too short for a 7 year old to be upset. Please stop comparing sports day to maths and English, they are not comparable in terms of importance.

Hmm1234 · 25/05/2023 22:52

Yes pull him out if he feels this uncomfortable. I remember bunking off primary school 😯 to avoid sports day once I’d hit puberty it was awful

Mumto2kids86 · 25/05/2023 23:28

How ridiculous. Maybe have a word with the school. It should be a fun event. My sons school does it in teams and each mid gets points for the team. Are you going to keep him off every time he doesn’t get what he wants? My son is shit at sports but would never dream of him missing it.

Pippy2022 · 25/05/2023 23:30

Possibly a daft question but do they do sports day at secondary schools? I went to boarding school from 8 and never had to endure all this as so many parents never turned up as too far away etc. We just got on with it like it was a normal games lesson. My daughter in particular now at Primary just sits and cries and doesn't take part. I just feel anxious for her and the impending day...

neverbeenskiing · 25/05/2023 23:37

These threads make me so angry.

My DD is Autistic. This means that a lot of things that come naturally to other people are exhausting and stressful for her, and always will be. She and other kids like her do not need sports day to "grow resilience" and be "pushed out of their comfort zone". Simply getting up each day and existing in a society that is built for NT people does that for her. DD has to do PE twice a week and swimming lessons that she hates. Has it made her more resilient? Not in the slightest. Because that's not how it works.

I've come to terms with the fact that life is always going to be hard for her. For the most part there is fuck all I can do about it.
But I can spare her the ritual humiliation of coming last in every single event, while kids who excel in sport but could do with lessons in empathy laugh at her or get angry with her for costing them house points. I admit I'm not just doing it for her, I'm doing it for me as well, because watching her desperately trying to blink back tears and force herself to smile politely for the parents who are enthusiastically cheering for her (I know they mean well, but she's Autistc not stupid) as she's the last one to finish yet again breaks my heart.

Those saying every child should be forced to compete because their sporty kid deserves a chance to "shine", I'm sorry but I don't get it. Why do non-sporty kids have to be humiliated in front of the entire school, staff and parents for your child to shine? Would it not be enough for them to compete against other kids who enjoy sports day and want to take part? My DD has a lovely singing voice but I would be appalled if the school announced a compulsory all day event where every single child, regardless of ability, was forced to sing a solo in front of the entire school. I sure as hell wouldn't judge any parent of of a child who couldn't sing for keeping them off school that day.

StoptheToryshitshow · 25/05/2023 23:44

Well my daughter really struggles in all her educational classes, she’s bottom of the class as the class happens to be exceptionally bright and no other SEN kids. Every single day she has to sit there and struggle and no doubt feel crap for most of the day. The other kids are kind thankfully and I just about manage to get her into school with at least 2 major meltdowns a week. BUT she is sporty and naturally athletic and for one day of the year for a couple of hours she can actually be ‘top of the class’
Unless your son struggles as much academically then I don’t have a huge amount of sympathy, sorry. For some kids it’s their only opportunity to shine. FFS them have it!

neverbeenskiing · 25/05/2023 23:51

For some kids it’s their only opportunity to shine. FFS let them have it!

She's not trying to stop them from having it! OP is not calling for sports day to be banned. She's proposing to keep her own child at home, not sabotage the entire event.

Muminthebluecoat · 25/05/2023 23:57

NickL22 · 25/05/2023 17:35

The poorest readers are not paraded or made to perform in front of the whole school/parents/grandparents!

Show quote history

They do have to read out loud in class and teachers often pick a name at random to answer a maths question.

I'm in my 30s and it happens to me now at work in training sessions. A name picked at random and asked a question on the training and I don't always know the answer.

Point is pulling him out just enforces his fear and anxiety. Most kids sports days are pretty relaxed at that age. Mime are 10 and 6 and I've never seen any parent care about anything but supporting their child and children just cheer their friends regardless.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 26/05/2023 00:34

MissHoollie · 24/05/2023 20:02

So my son age 7 has been upset for a few weeks about sports day and " always coming last"
None of us in the family are sporty and my other children " were always last " but they didn't mind at all and it almost became a family joke with them enjoying the fact it was a family tradition to be rubbish at sport
So my 7 year old is begging not to take part
We've done all the " it's fine ..someone has to be last in the races "
" You are good at other things "
" It's part of life "
But he's still loosing sleep over it all.
They've been practicing all week which is winding him up even more.
So it occurred to me , and this is where I need perspective.
Would schools parade kids out in order of best reader to worst for all the parents to applause the best reader? ,no of course not ,so why do schools do this?
Yes it's good to celebrate success but why is it so demoralising for some kids ?
Am I being unreasonable taking him out of school that day?
As I say looking for other perspectives

I think if you keep him off, you should do something fun and non competitive sporty together, eg go trampolining or a long walk in the woods, to give the message that is NOT ok to quit movement and exercise but it is ok to opt out of publicly competing in it

WiddlinDiddlin · 26/05/2023 04:28

StoptheToryshitshow · 25/05/2023 23:44

Well my daughter really struggles in all her educational classes, she’s bottom of the class as the class happens to be exceptionally bright and no other SEN kids. Every single day she has to sit there and struggle and no doubt feel crap for most of the day. The other kids are kind thankfully and I just about manage to get her into school with at least 2 major meltdowns a week. BUT she is sporty and naturally athletic and for one day of the year for a couple of hours she can actually be ‘top of the class’
Unless your son struggles as much academically then I don’t have a huge amount of sympathy, sorry. For some kids it’s their only opportunity to shine. FFS them have it!

Again... no ones saying 'ban all sports days' - not a single fucking person. Not one.

Have sports days, but don't force kids who HATE it to take part.

It's not a necessary part of life, it isn't comparable to maths or english or science, I have made it to 43 without once needing to fucking run anywhere, or hop in a bastarding sack or sprint whilst carrying a fucking egg on a spoon, or whilst tied to a friend.

If your kid was going to academic lessons and being forced to stand in front of the class and show everyone exactly how bad she is at it, whilst parents and teachers cheer patronisingly as she offers up another wrong answer... you'd pull her out and send her to another bloody school, you know you would. It wouldn't help her.

Spr1nk13 · 26/05/2023 05:18

Muminthebluecoat

”They do have to read out loud in class and teachers often pick a name at random to answer a maths question.”

Doesn’t happen in my school and I don’t think I know any teacher who wouldn’t differentiate in that situation ie match the text and question to the child. It is not comparable to sports day.