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Original poster

To withdraw my child from school sports day

667 replies

MissHoollie · 24/05/2023 20:02

So my son age 7 has been upset for a few weeks about sports day and " always coming last"
None of us in the family are sporty and my other children " were always last " but they didn't mind at all and it almost became a family joke with them enjoying the fact it was a family tradition to be rubbish at sport
So my 7 year old is begging not to take part
We've done all the " it's fine ..someone has to be last in the races "
" You are good at other things "
" It's part of life "
But he's still loosing sleep over it all.
They've been practicing all week which is winding him up even more.
So it occurred to me , and this is where I need perspective.
Would schools parade kids out in order of best reader to worst for all the parents to applause the best reader? ,no of course not ,so why do schools do this?
Yes it's good to celebrate success but why is it so demoralising for some kids ?
Am I being unreasonable taking him out of school that day?
As I say looking for other perspectives

OP posts:
Nikkidannih · 25/05/2023 18:17

That being said, if you think the situation will tip over from uncomfortable feeling To genuine trauma (as other have described) then I’d keep them home. You know you’re child and what they are capable of dealing with.

Silentmama2 · 25/05/2023 18:24

H007 · 25/05/2023 18:06

You need to teach your son resilience, and this it appears is the perfect opportunity. All you are teaching him by pulling him from sports day is that if you don’t like something or you don’t want to do something don’t do it. That’s not what life is like and you are just storing up issues for later.

I find this really strange. Whilst you do need to build resilience, i'm not convinced the only way to do this is via something you hate.

I choose not to train for a marathon (I don't like running). I choose not to go to a lab and work in biology (I find it dull). You get lots of choices as an adult.

I bet there is something you 'don't like and therefore don't do'. Pretty sure your resilience is not based on doing things you don't like.

Just think of jobs around the home most people can do (cleaning, gardening, washing windows, painting... ) but choose not to.

Invisibleeye · 25/05/2023 18:26

I was that child too. Turns out I have a condition that meant I couldn’t have been good at sports despite how hard I tried (and I always did my best!) I vividly remember thinking “why are the sporty kids allowed to make fun of me for being bad at sports but if I did that to them about maths/English/history I’d be told off?” I don’t think that this is about building resilience as many PPs have said, I think it’s about modelling taking care of your mental health and that it’s ok to not take part in something that’s causing you such anxiety and, at its core, is irrelevant. As an adult, I wouldn’t put myself through something that caused me such embarrassment and anxiety so why should he? I think he can learn resilience elsewhere and he will always remember that you had his back.

Delatron · 25/05/2023 18:28

Mamansparkles · 25/05/2023 18:08

I hate sports days. In DDs school they try so hard to make sure the kids have no idea who is good at maths/spelling/reading by disguising the names of the groups (animal names for spellings, colours for maths) and holding back the brighter kids in reading ('oh look you're all on the same reading level' - never mind they read books 2 years reading age harder very easily).
Huge effort gone to to make sure less academically able kids never feel less able. Academically able kids never celebrated, musically talented kids, not celebrated (no solos etc allowed), artistic kids not celebrated (no art showcase) - no awards at all, all year, for anything except sports.
But Sports Day, it's absolutely fine to parade them all in front of parents and make the non sporty kids come last in front of an audience.
I wouldn't mind if they had the same policy for everything because then everyone would get a turn because everyone is good at some things. But it's the shocking double standards that make it ok to humiliate non sporty kids.

This is not like anything I’ve experienced at primary. Holding the brightest readers back a few levels so the other don’t feel bad? Really? I’d be very cross if I was a parent of a confident reader to have them stuck on easy books that’s don’t challenge them.

No art prizes? Nothing chosen to go on the wall?? No music shows? No drama production where the same kids are given the best part year in gets out? No tests where they all chat about the results afterwards? No reading out loud in class?

ToWhitToWhoo · 25/05/2023 18:29

fUNNYfACE36 · 24/05/2023 20:10

So do the poor readers get to opt out of reading or the poor mathematicians out of a maths test.teach him to grow some resilence

No, but they are not forced to compete in maths and reading events in front of everyone in a very public situation. If they were. everyone would rightly object.

I wouldn't advise allowing a child to opt out of PE lessons altogether; but forcing them into a humiliating competitive event is unlikely to teach resilience (a very over-used term) and far more likely to teach them that physical activity is a source of humiliation, and something to be avoided wherever possible.

JamesGiantPledge1 · 25/05/2023 18:32

I have 3 children, one is sporty and enjoyed sports day, one was average but really didn’t care and one was terrible at sports and hated it and came last. He also had sleepless nights.

I kept him off for sports day for years 5 to 8. It was the correct choice for him.

ColdHandsHotHead · 25/05/2023 18:40

YANBU. I hated school sports day from the age of seven and it only got worse. I was never sporty and was made to take part in things I was rubbish at (800m, FFS, as an overweight 15 yo!).

Don't put your child through this crap.

ToWhitToWhoo · 25/05/2023 18:47

H007 · 25/05/2023 18:06

You need to teach your son resilience, and this it appears is the perfect opportunity. All you are teaching him by pulling him from sports day is that if you don’t like something or you don’t want to do something don’t do it. That’s not what life is like and you are just storing up issues for later.

But life is like that, at least as regards sports: most adults, at least in this country, don't like to take part in sports- and they don't; nobody forces them to do so.

Maybe there would be somewhat fewer sports-avoiders if fewer people were exposed to early humiliation with regard to sport.

And, while in general people have to do a number of things that we don't like, there is usually a purpose to them. We do jobs, which we don't like, or at least dislike certain aspects of them, because we get paid. We do boring bits of housework, because it makes life more comfortable and hygienic and practical. It's rare for an adult to be forced to do something JUST because they don't like it, and that's somehow supposed to make them 'resilient'.

LondonJax · 25/05/2023 18:51

Kgiggl3s · 25/05/2023 18:10

I've been a teacher for 9 years now. I am not a push over and have high expectations of children but I say this every year. Sports day is only fun for the children good at sports. For the children who aren't it is an annual humiliation day in which they gain nothing more than feeling useless in front if the entire school and all their parents.

And before anyone comes for me, yes children do need to learn to lose, and learn that they sometimes must do things they don't enjoy BUT in all other areas of the curriculum this is done in a safe space and not so publicly!

I always use the same analogy as yours - would we get all the parents in to watch any other area of the curriculum so publicly for those who struggle, no.

For me, I loved sports days so would hate for them to be dismissed but surely they could be more opt in.

I take on board all comments about resilience and perseverance however there are plenty of other ways to teach this without completely distressing and humiliating some children.

In short - I agree and know I shouldn't say it 😂 but take him for ice cream!!!

I totally agree with the issue of public humiliation. I don't know what the answer is other than encourage parents to cheer everyone on, encourage the kids to respect their team mates for taking part as well as for winning.

But how would an opt in policy work with regard to not humiliating kids? Because, even if only the very best runners (or whatever) took part, someone has to lose.

In secondary school the summer term consists of practice heats for track and field events. So every child does a few sessions of javelin throwing or 100m. The best few will be chosen to take part in the actual sports day. So 'opting in' by being good at something. But one of them will be last even if they want to take part.

I suppose the thing going for it is that those kids will be reasonably OK with coming last as they understand that's part of playing sports. But someone will still end up feeling like they've let team mates down or let their house down.

SuffolkUnicorn · 25/05/2023 18:52

I was kept off for sports day I’m keeping my son off too

sadsack78 · 25/05/2023 18:55

I don't blame you one bit.

I've known so many adults who still remember the misery of sports day and being publicly embarrassed. I don't know if being made to compete anyway made them more resilient.

As someone else said, there's no harm in having a word with his teacher. I'm sure they wouldn't mind at all if your boy gets to help out in other ways, like helping hand out things or help the teachers out? That might be good for his confidence and make him feel capable and valued.

Mamansparkles · 25/05/2023 18:55

@Delatron it is very odd! They have music shows where they all sing or play together, or everyone says one line.
No reading aloud in class because they don't want them to stand out or for weaker pupils to know they are less able or more able pupils to know that either.
Art on the wall is the kind of thing where they all make something very uniform so there is no sense of 'this one is better'.
And then the complete contrast when it comes to sports.
Lots of parents have complained about the reading but nothing changes. I'm wondering now if it is a budget thing and not enough books.

MintJulia · 25/05/2023 18:56

This conversation comes up every year. Every year some poor kid is humiliated and made to feel utterly useless.

A few years ago it was my DS. I stupidly thought it was best to insist that he take part, give it his best etc. Coming last didn't matter. I was wrong. My lovely exuberant 10yo son quietly told me he would harm himself if he ever had to do it again.

It's taken four years at a really supportive school with decent professional sports teachers to rebuild his confidence and get him to the point he's enjoying sport.

So be careful OP. Listen to your child. If he is genuinely worried and distressed, pull him out. Insist he do his best in games lessons all the rest of the year, but take him out for the one day.

pleasehelpwi3 · 25/05/2023 18:59

Yes, please speak to class teacher. I'd be sympathetic to this.

Ursh81 · 25/05/2023 18:59

100% let your child have the day off.
Yes, sure, kids are expected to do maths tests, English tests etc but this is not the same. The equivalent would be doing a Maths test in front of the class with parents watching where the weakest child was visible to all. I think pushing a child into sports day does more harm than good.

DeflatedAgain · 25/05/2023 19:03

Take him out of school and treat him 😊

Cutesbabasmummy · 25/05/2023 19:04

My mum always ensured I was "ill" on sports day! Was last at everything and hated every second.

Spr1nk13 · 25/05/2023 19:06

Yes it sure as hell does more harm than good and it definitely does not foster a love of sport.

spiderplantparty · 25/05/2023 19:07

When my eldest DC started school they had sports day and everyone who was 1st, 2nd or 3rd in an event received a sticker. At the end of the morning some kids had so many stickers you could barely see their t shirts. It was completely demoralising for the not so sporty kids. Now they have a sports week that is much more inclusive and has lots of events but not so many where there are obvious winners and losers.

raincamepouringdown · 25/05/2023 19:09

fUNNYfACE36 · 24/05/2023 20:10

So do the poor readers get to opt out of reading or the poor mathematicians out of a maths test.teach him to grow some resilence

This.

Everyone can participate in sports day, and yes, some children will shine. Often children who don't shine academically.

And believe me, children know who shines in maths and writing and reading based on the work they're given and expected to complete in their classes. They don't get to opt out because they're not top in it, just like children don't get to opt out of PE because they're not the best in it.

The only thing I would change is making it open to parents as that seems to be the real issue for so many.

Morgysmum · 25/05/2023 19:10

Bless him, yes I would let him have the day off, I was always last in sports day, as I was fat and couldn't run fast.
But I didn't mind, my mum always took part in the parents race and won every time, so she won points for my team. So my team didn't mind me loosing, because my mum won and scored more points. 🤣

Spr1nk13 · 25/05/2023 19:13

raincamepouringdown

Not comparable. If the maths test was in front of the whole school and their parents and children had to walk up and put their answers on a big screen in front of everybody then you’d be getting close.

raincamepouringdown · 25/05/2023 19:15

Spr1nk13 · 25/05/2023 19:13

raincamepouringdown

Not comparable. If the maths test was in front of the whole school and their parents and children had to walk up and put their answers on a big screen in front of everybody then you’d be getting close.

Which is why I said perhaps close it to parents...

Spr1nk13 · 25/05/2023 19:22

Not enough unless you close it to the rest of the school.

Janaba5 · 25/05/2023 19:24

My son is mocked and made to feel rubbish because he can't write or do maths etc. The one thing he excels at is sport. Peers and other parents always do know when a child struggles academically. Therefore I think sports day is very important as it gives the child who struggles academically the chance to excel. It's important that his peers see that too. Being good at, and known to be good at sports helped him escape from bullies.

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