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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To withdraw my child from school sports day

667 replies

MissHoollie · 24/05/2023 20:02

So my son age 7 has been upset for a few weeks about sports day and " always coming last"
None of us in the family are sporty and my other children " were always last " but they didn't mind at all and it almost became a family joke with them enjoying the fact it was a family tradition to be rubbish at sport
So my 7 year old is begging not to take part
We've done all the " it's fine ..someone has to be last in the races "
" You are good at other things "
" It's part of life "
But he's still loosing sleep over it all.
They've been practicing all week which is winding him up even more.
So it occurred to me , and this is where I need perspective.
Would schools parade kids out in order of best reader to worst for all the parents to applause the best reader? ,no of course not ,so why do schools do this?
Yes it's good to celebrate success but why is it so demoralising for some kids ?
Am I being unreasonable taking him out of school that day?
As I say looking for other perspectives

OP posts:
Palomabalom · 25/05/2023 17:42

how about making children who can’t sing a note and hate singing stand up and do a solo infront of the entire school and parent community?

TheMummy1417 · 25/05/2023 17:45

To add, my eldest has SEND & participated in his mainstream sports day until he moved to SEN provision. His motor skills were super delayed so it was only going 1 way. He lost by absolute miles but he genuinely didn’t care because he loved the experience or everyone cheering him on!!! Not the case for everyone, I know

Leasa241 · 25/05/2023 17:46

As the mum of dyspraxic child I would say let them sit out it’s not worth the upset. Dd often missed sports day, like your child she would get so upset and anxious in the lead up, so I started to arrange appointments that day so she wasn’t in. As she got older felt more confident telling the school she didn’t want to take part they were great she would be a helper or score counter, occasionally she would take part in some of the round Robin activities but never the races and much happier for it!

Spr1nk13 · 25/05/2023 17:48

Op keep your child off. My undiagnosed at the time because the school were so crap( dyspraxic, autistic and ADHD Dd) has struggled with serious mental health problems which stemmed from feelings of poor self worth, humiliation and teasing during PE lessons and sports day. It must be a nightmare knowing 100s of phones are there recording your humiliation.

Atticus999 · 25/05/2023 17:50

I’d keep him off. He’s only little. It’s not worth the stress.

Spr1nk13 · 25/05/2023 17:51

LondonJax
Been there, done all that and it damaged my child. Kids differ, your kid doesn’t speak for every kid with a disability.

Songbird54321 · 25/05/2023 17:51

That is such a shame. My daughter is just about to turn 6 and her school does sports day in a lovely, fun way. There is a running race, but they also have lots of other activities for them to do which doesn’t mean the same kids win everything. Some are throwing, some are balance and some are just daft but the kids seem to love it. It is done over a week where each class does it alone, so it’s not too many people watching them and I don’t doubt a child can sit out if they didn’t want to join in (they had a couple sit out of the nativity who were shy/anxious).
They seem to have lost the fun of it all, especially when they’re still quite small.
Let’s be fair, all he is going to miss is a miserable time, so I’d have no issue pulling him out of school for the day.

FacebookFun · 25/05/2023 17:56

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns and so we've agreed to take this down.

Silentmama2 · 25/05/2023 17:59

fUNNYfACE36 · 24/05/2023 20:10

So do the poor readers get to opt out of reading or the poor mathematicians out of a maths test.teach him to grow some resilence

I'd say it is not the same - you are not made to stand in front of your peers and identify yourself as the worst at reading or maths are you?

There will not potentially be parents watching you 'fail'

In all honest it is not that 'cool' to be good at maths (you get called names if you are good at it) .. whereas being good at sport is a status symbol - certainly something people are given kudos for!

OP_ I have kept my LO off sports day - a couple of times (all be it they are older).

Toohot2trot · 25/05/2023 18:01

My ds is 15 now, not in anyway competitive when it comes to sports, after watching him come last at primary sports day and him getting anxious about it year on year, he strangely seems to be struck down with a 24hr Illness which starts the night before sportsday. I love having him home for that 1 day knowing he doesn't have to go through that - keep him off 😀

LondonJax · 25/05/2023 18:01

Spr1nk13 · 25/05/2023 17:51

LondonJax
Been there, done all that and it damaged my child. Kids differ, your kid doesn’t speak for every kid with a disability.

And that's why I said I didn't think it was important for kids to take part in sports days. Parents have to do what's right for their child.

I was just pointing out that, at some point, a child will probably have to take part.

Or, like a girl in my DS's year, have a couple of nasty kids tell her 'they'd see her next week' the day before her final sports day as she'd missed every single one for four years. They assumed she wouldn't turn up again and told her she let their team down every year by not taking part. She felt so bad then that she went in. Some kids will be nasty if they take part and nasty if they don't. Taking them out doesn't always stop the humiliation.

MindIfISlytherin · 25/05/2023 18:06

YANBU because I hated sports day as a child, but would you pull him out of school because he was anxious about failing a maths test or reading in assembly?

H007 · 25/05/2023 18:06

You need to teach your son resilience, and this it appears is the perfect opportunity. All you are teaching him by pulling him from sports day is that if you don’t like something or you don’t want to do something don’t do it. That’s not what life is like and you are just storing up issues for later.

AllHopeandRainbows · 25/05/2023 18:07

“Would schools parade kids out in order of best reader to worst for all the parents to applause the best reader?”

I hate sports day for this very reason! It should be a choice. I’m all for teaching children that you can’t always win but I think it’s really harsh for those who are always last and quite far behind too. I would be mortified if it was me and I’m a grown adult who wouldn’t get teased like children might.

Nikkidannih · 25/05/2023 18:08

I get your point because that feeling of failure and disappointment is a horrible one and it’s hard for us to experience out kids feeling this. However by keeping them off what message are you sending? If you’re not good at something it’s not worth even trying? How will this serve them in the future? Learning to manage and sit with those feelings in a safe environment ( as school is) will help them be able to manage them better when they inevitably encounter these feelings later in life. As hard as it is, when we shield our kids I think we do more damage in the long run.

TakeMeDancingNakedInTheRain · 25/05/2023 18:08

I do hope if he isn't participating in sports day you'll be taking him on a long bike ride or something similar instead, I assume the issue is with people watching than the actual exercise. Don't send out the message that it's OK to sit out because you don't fancy it, exercise is important and something we should all do.

Mamansparkles · 25/05/2023 18:08

I hate sports days. In DDs school they try so hard to make sure the kids have no idea who is good at maths/spelling/reading by disguising the names of the groups (animal names for spellings, colours for maths) and holding back the brighter kids in reading ('oh look you're all on the same reading level' - never mind they read books 2 years reading age harder very easily).
Huge effort gone to to make sure less academically able kids never feel less able. Academically able kids never celebrated, musically talented kids, not celebrated (no solos etc allowed), artistic kids not celebrated (no art showcase) - no awards at all, all year, for anything except sports.
But Sports Day, it's absolutely fine to parade them all in front of parents and make the non sporty kids come last in front of an audience.
I wouldn't mind if they had the same policy for everything because then everyone would get a turn because everyone is good at some things. But it's the shocking double standards that make it ok to humiliate non sporty kids.

Spr1nk13 · 25/05/2023 18:10

H007

Mu Dd did every sports day and PE lesson. It caused trauma and lead to suicidal idealisation and Anorexia. The damage it caused has come out in therapy and her subsequent diagnosis of autism , adhd and dyspraxia. She has more resilience in her little finger than most athletes.

AllHopeandRainbows · 25/05/2023 18:10

H007 · 25/05/2023 18:06

You need to teach your son resilience, and this it appears is the perfect opportunity. All you are teaching him by pulling him from sports day is that if you don’t like something or you don’t want to do something don’t do it. That’s not what life is like and you are just storing up issues for later.

Although I do get this as well.

Not sure if it would teach resilience though. If he’s in tears over it/not sleeping then I think it could just make things worse.

There are some things in life that it’s ok to say “no” to if it makes you uncomfortable.
If somebody asked me to run a race in front of spectators now I wouldn’t do it. Nor would I speak publicly. And that’s ok.

Kgiggl3s · 25/05/2023 18:10

I've been a teacher for 9 years now. I am not a push over and have high expectations of children but I say this every year. Sports day is only fun for the children good at sports. For the children who aren't it is an annual humiliation day in which they gain nothing more than feeling useless in front if the entire school and all their parents.

And before anyone comes for me, yes children do need to learn to lose, and learn that they sometimes must do things they don't enjoy BUT in all other areas of the curriculum this is done in a safe space and not so publicly!

I always use the same analogy as yours - would we get all the parents in to watch any other area of the curriculum so publicly for those who struggle, no.

For me, I loved sports days so would hate for them to be dismissed but surely they could be more opt in.

I take on board all comments about resilience and perseverance however there are plenty of other ways to teach this without completely distressing and humiliating some children.

In short - I agree and know I shouldn't say it 😂 but take him for ice cream!!!

Shudahaddogs · 25/05/2023 18:11

fUNNYfACE36 · 24/05/2023 20:10

So do the poor readers get to opt out of reading or the poor mathematicians out of a maths test.teach him to grow some resilence

This

Mopscharlotte · 25/05/2023 18:11

It’s a shame the school don’t do potted sports , often in houses , so it’s collective of a whole team in success of a diversity of skill set .

Nothingisblackandwhite · 25/05/2023 18:11

It’s a sports day , if he gets upset just take him out as you say and do something else . It’s not like he is missing on anything

LlynTegid · 25/05/2023 18:13

I think he should go.

There is a good chance there is a sport he would be good at, or at least much better than others. If you have an idea what that could be, suggest the school considers it for next year.

purpleboy · 25/05/2023 18:14

I'm so on the fence with this one.

I was always sporty and won most of the things I entered on sports day so I don't have experience of coming last and feeling shit. My eldest DD often won her field events but not the track and came in last a couple of times, she was pretty upset about it but as all the point went towards a house party she always wanted to play her part.

I don't know if other school do it differently but at ours they have about 10 different events all going on at the same time so you don't just have all the attention on one event so maybe that helps some DC feel less on display?

As a parent I couldn't tell you who came first or last in any of the events last year, but I appreciate that doesn't help how the kids themselves feel.

I also agree we shouldn't pull them out just because they don't like something and building resilience is so important and something that so many DC seem to be seriously lacking in, but I'm not sure this has to be the way to do it, there are plenty of other ways to teach resilience that doesn't involve humiliation and feelings of failure from the children.

So I guess you know your DC you do what you think is best for them.