Page 14 | To withdraw my child from school sports day

MissHoollie · 2023-05-24T19:02:28+00:00

So my son age 7 has been upset for a few weeks about sports day and " always coming last" None of us in the family are sporty and my other children " were always last " but they didn't mind at all and it almost became a family joke with them enjoying the fact it was a family tradition to be rubbish at sport So my 7 year old is begging not to take part We've done all the " it's fine ..someone has to be last in the races " " You are good at other things " " It's part of life " But he's still loosing sleep over it all. They've been practicing all week which is winding him up even more. So it occurred to me , and this is where I need perspective. Would schools parade kids out in order of best reader to worst for all the parents to applause the best reader? ,no of course not ,so why do schools do this? Yes it's good to celebrate success but why is it so demoralising for some kids ? Am I being unreasonable taking him out of school that day? As I say looking for other perspectives

SpringIet · 25/05/2023 16:21

www.tobyandroo.com/sports-day-why-it-should-be-optional/

firef1y · 25/05/2023 16:30

How sad that the school community isn't like my children's.

My older boy has ASD and physical difficulties, every year he came last in everything, but in every race he got the l oudest cheer as he finished. And the smile on his face said it all. The whole school community celebrated his efforts and continues to do so with the younger children who now have similar difficulties.

I was the one nervous with his first sports day, in pieces, not wanting him to take part. And I'm the one that ended up in tears witnessing how everyone cheered him on.

But this ethos was down to the school itself, and how they prepared all the children, maybe you need to speak with the teachers about how they are encouraging him and helping him overcome his anxiety

TheOriginalEmu · 25/05/2023 16:32

Theydontknowthatweknowthattheyknow · 24/05/2023 23:14

How do schools let people know who the best reader is? Mine is only in reception and is top of the class by miles in reading but she has no idea and neither do the other kids/parents as far as I know. In the same way I know there's a couple of kids in the class who are comparable to rainman with their numeracy but I couldn't tell you who they are. The kids are also split into ability groups for their phonics and maths but tbh even I don't know which group my dd is in for Maths never mind the kids

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Maybe you don’t know as the parent when they are in reception because they might not be able to tell you, but the kids know. you said it yourself ability splits for phonics. My very dyslexic child knew by the end of reception that he was not as good as everyone else at reading. That was an every day thing. Sports day was his one day a year where he was the best for once. The one day he had any confidence.

Ponderosamum · 25/05/2023 16:36

MyOtherCarIsAPorsche · 24/05/2023 23:24

Hmmm - lacking in resilience 🤔

My granddaughter (year 2) is also lacking in collagen. She's extremely hyper-mobile (her mum has EDS and we suspect she does). Her elbows and knees hyperextend so much it makes everyone cringe and recoil. She has proprioception issues. She has flat feet and wears deep, cupped inserts in all footwear. Her hips, knees and shins are constantly painful. Despite the orthotics, she still runs with a heavy, bent forwards gait. She's tall for her age, very skinny and unfortunately - very unco-ordinated. She can't ride a scooter. She can't ride a bicycle. She can't balance on a balance bike.

She came last in all five races last year - and by massive margins. Although the school staff were supportive and encouraging and enthusiastically cheered her on to keep going until she finished, others were not so 'nice' and were sniggering and rolling their eyes at the amount of time she took to get to the finish line.

She was in tears during the sack race - who in their right mind would put a child with suspected ASD, dyspraxia and dyslexia in a sack and make them jump? She fell many times along the way and was still made to finish the course - several minutes after everyone else had finished.

I can't tell you how this made me feel - watching her sob along track and being made to finish - because it builds resilience. I don't know about that, but she has nightmares about it. She's begging not to do sports day this year - again sobbing and shaking at the thought of it.

She's not sporty. She's not academic. When asked how she feels at school - she says 'lonely'.

I certainly don't want to watch her go through hell again this year. I've told mum that I can't bear to watch it all again but I feel I have to go or she'll notice and ask me why I didn't turn up.

Her physiotherapist goes into school regularly to see her - I'm thinking of asking her opinion about putting her through this ordeal again this year - I would love to hear that she didn't have to endure it.

I'm fully aware that someone has to come last in races, but finishing in 'the pack' shortly after the 'winner' and finishing several minutes after peers is a different kettle of fish.

She excels with regards to the Harry Potter books. She has encyclopaedic/photographic knowledge of all the books. She recites huge chunks of text. She answers questions with great detail - knows which book, chapter and page to find the correct information from. She's obsessed. No one can touch her Harry Potter collection. Her knowledge of this subject would make her appear to be a genius but her knowledge comes from a narrow field of not so well written literature.

I feel that no one can justify a competitive sports day in her instance - but let's forge ahead and build her 'resilience' - eh?

Here's to another sack race!

So awful, this is also basically my son. My daughter on the other hand is super sporty, the fastest girl in the school. She does sports day every year, he doesn't do sports day. Simple as that. There are certain situations where its just the kindest decision to allow them not to go through it, its traumatising and unnecessary. I once saw a grown man cry at a company offsite where there was an 'assault course' laid on as part of a team building exersize, he was basically told that he should 'take part for the team' it took him right back to his school experience at sporting events and he was once again that unhappy humiliated child. It was horrible to watch and he was off work for 3 weeks after.

SouthLondonMum22 · 25/05/2023 16:39

TheOriginalEmu · 25/05/2023 16:32

Maybe you don’t know as the parent when they are in reception because they might not be able to tell you, but the kids know. you said it yourself ability splits for phonics. My very dyslexic child knew by the end of reception that he was not as good as everyone else at reading. That was an every day thing. Sports day was his one day a year where he was the best for once. The one day he had any confidence.

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He can still be the best and feel confident if it was made optional though. It wouldn’t take anything away from him.

Though I stand by the fact that not being the best reader in class can only be compared if every single child in class is made to read out loud as part of a competition along with a parent audience and sympathetic cheering for those who aren’t great readers.

Skyisbluegrassisgreen · 25/05/2023 16:42

Muminthebluecoat · 25/05/2023 15:34

But would you take him out of school for a maths test if he wasn't good at maths.

Just send him to sports day. He'll take part and it will all be fine. He'll play games all the time where he doesn't win. It won't scar him

how do you know what will scar him? And with a maths test nobody lines the kids up in front of the whole school to say who got the lowest score. It’s totally incomparable.

Iwasafool · 25/05/2023 16:51

Stompythedinosaur · 25/05/2023 11:07

I think you're better off managing his feelings in other ways.

It's a good skill to learn that you can do something you don't enjoy, that it will be over and you'll feel better. Managing bad feelings through avoidance isn't great and is likely to make him feel worse next time ("sports days must really be terrible is mum lets me miss school").

Also, my experience is that parents and teachers make an effort to cheer kids that are struggling.

Nice intentions but some kids feel the cheering the kid at the back is just bloody patronising. Doesn't really matter how good the intentions are if it just adds to the child's feelings of humiliation and yes I have one who felt like that and nearly 30 years later still feels it.

AmyDudley · 25/05/2023 16:55

When my DS was in reception he took part in a running race on sports day, he jogged along then hi plimsoll fell off so he sat down on the race track to put it back on again, then got up and pottered over the line beaming, firmly in last place, he wasn't bothered neither was I. But one total wanker of a parent took it upon herself to yell abuse at him as he was on the track telling him to get up and he was letting everyone down etc. Then he had a go at me and said I should have taught my Ds how to race properly.

And that is part of the problem of sports day. Mad over invested, over competitive pushy parents, who are unable to control themselves and not behave like complete fuckers.

My DS was never much good at running. although he was quite good at some team sports. He a port day a a bit of a laugh where he was likely to come lat but didn't much care. If he had cared, I'd have kept him off.
He is also dyslexic, but despite his academic struggles he was never abused or told he a letting everyone down, and he never had to read in front of lunatic parents. And he was given help, t improve hi reading. You don;t get any help if you are crap at sport, you are just treated like a failure with no hope of ever being any good.

firef1y · 25/05/2023 17:12

Picklewicklepickle · 25/05/2023 09:28

Nobody cares who comes 4th in the 100m! Why is it humiliating? Someone has to come last. It’s just a race.

The person who comes last cares! Of course it’s humiliating, a crowd of people including your family, friends and peers are all watching you fail at something, your team are pissed off with you because they won’t get points and win the day, at best you get the patronising cheers, kids can be cruel and make nasty comments.

You know what maybe tell your child that if they come last they got the most important place. If no-one came last then no-one could win, and these are the words of my 9yo who most likely will come last in everything...again.

Mind he sees his Mum entering races knowing that if she's not last, she'll be somewhere close, but also happy that she succeeded in getting over the finishing line

Gmary20 · 25/05/2023 17:13

If he goes, he will probably enjoy the day regardless and realise it wasn't something to worry about so much. If you keep him off, next time something is coming up he's bad at or worried about, he will be anxious and want to stay off again. Children need to learn to be resilient, and they also need to learn it OK to not be great at everything.

MargaretThursday · 25/05/2023 17:19

Iwasafool · 25/05/2023 16:51

Nice intentions but some kids feel the cheering the kid at the back is just bloody patronising. Doesn't really matter how good the intentions are if it just adds to the child's feelings of humiliation and yes I have one who felt like that and nearly 30 years later still feels it.

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I agree. Always felt it was done on the "poor little thing can't expect to do it well" level.

Plus the "inclusive races" in teams and not meant to be competitive just all "have a go" I felt acutely that I was letting the team down. No one ever said that to me, but I felt it.

I far preferred the coming last in every race (except the egg and spoon where they couldn't find enough eggs so gave me a bean bag instead) because it was only me I let down.

WeeWillyWinkie9 · 25/05/2023 17:22

SouthLondonMum22 · 24/05/2023 20:13

They don't have to do a maths test in public with not only their peers watching them struggle but also many unfamiliar adults also watching.

It's not the same thing.

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Yes they do and their results are published.

Iwasafool · 25/05/2023 17:26

WeeWillyWinkie9 · 25/05/2023 17:22

Yes they do and their results are published.

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They don't do the test with an audience watching, with their answers being shown on a white board and people clapping, cheering or laughing.

SouthLondonMum22 · 25/05/2023 17:27

WeeWillyWinkie9 · 25/05/2023 17:22

Yes they do and their results are published.

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In primary school? With parents cheering/clapping?

Beachbreak2411 · 25/05/2023 17:29

My daughter used to get anxious about sports day. I always said it was just about taking part and having fun. She used to do her races beaming at us and waving. Always last 😂 (she’s incredible at dance and acro… just doesn’t have any competitive streak!)… but I’m glad she always took part and she always was too afterwards ! Just emphasise it’s taking part, being part of a team!

NickL22 · 25/05/2023 17:30

Hankunamatata · 24/05/2023 20:06

Our school does have awards for reading and prizes.
Also monthly awards for best performances and improvements in weekly maths and English tests

Yes, but do they also parade the person who does the worst at those subjects in front of the whole school/parents? Pretty sure they wouldn't be allowed to do that, yet at sports day they can and kids are told "it's just life, put up with it".

Keep him off school. I still have terrible memories of the utter embarrassment of coming last at everything or even falling over, it's not worth it.

NickL22 · 25/05/2023 17:33

Anewuser · 24/05/2023 20:11

I’m assuming you’re prepared to take the next 11 years sports days off?

He's 7, sports day stopped at age 11 for my son. You're not forced into it until you're 18

TheMummy1417 · 25/05/2023 17:34

It’s a tough one. I mean, I was the last in everything, every sports day. I hated it but by the same token I would’ve felt left out if I hadn’t tried. But I think it’s important for children to learn that they can’t always be the best at everything .. something that my youngest really struggled with & still does to a point. Team things are important in that. No, they would rank the best to worst readers and parade that, but equally whether they are best or worst, they still sit the school spelling tests, sats or whatever. I feel like it’s a learning opportunity

ohdamnitjanet · 25/05/2023 17:34

I would keep him away from sports day until the end of time. And yah boo sucks to all the smart arses who enjoyed it or have sporty kids.

NickL22 · 25/05/2023 17:35

fUNNYfACE36 · 24/05/2023 20:10

So do the poor readers get to opt out of reading or the poor mathematicians out of a maths test.teach him to grow some resilence

The poorest readers are not paraded or made to perform in front of the whole school/parents/grandparents!

SpringIet · 25/05/2023 17:36

@AmyDudley 'You don;t get any help if you are crap at sport, you are just treated like a failure with no hope of ever being any good.' This is so true and has never struck me before. It's probably the one subject in school where high achievers in that area have more opportunity to actually be pushed and grow more to their capacity. In most other areas in school, higher achievers are not challenged as much and often left to coast. The flipside is that no additional help is really given to the lower end of the spectrum for school sport - unlike any other subject in school. It's a shame. So many people get put off sport due to school.

Spr1nk13 · 25/05/2023 17:37

WeeWillyWinkie9

No they don’t. Everybody is sat at a desk with what they are writing hidden. No other child or parent knows their results.

SouthLondonMum22 · 25/05/2023 17:39

TheMummy1417 · 25/05/2023 17:34

It’s a tough one. I mean, I was the last in everything, every sports day. I hated it but by the same token I would’ve felt left out if I hadn’t tried. But I think it’s important for children to learn that they can’t always be the best at everything .. something that my youngest really struggled with & still does to a point. Team things are important in that. No, they would rank the best to worst readers and parade that, but equally whether they are best or worst, they still sit the school spelling tests, sats or whatever. I feel like it’s a learning opportunity

It isn't the only way to learn that you can't always be best at everything though.

It can be taught in a more gentle way which doesn't have them feeling so upset and/or humiliated, especially when we're talking about 7 year olds.

They will learn through playing board games at home
They will learn through regular PE lessons
They will learn through joining the local football team

Opting out of sports day doesn't mean they will never learn those things.

Noodles1234 · 25/05/2023 17:39

That’s a good point.

just take the day off and take him out, maybe tell him your plan and if you do tell him to enjoy the practising and see it as fun.

playing devils advocate, often students who excel at sport can be the ones who struggle in the classroom (not always, but can do). As long as every student gets an opportunity to be celebrated and championed by their peers can be a good thing.

LondonJax · 25/05/2023 17:40

Our DS has a heart condition which means he's a slow runner. Every year he would come in last in his primary school. He did tell me that he didn't like coming last but never asked to be withdrawn or to have the day off and I never offered.

We did talk about the fact that someone has to come last - that's the way with most things in life. Academically he's top set and we pointed out that some of his friends had problems with maths/reading etc which he found easy.

At his heart check one year we encouraged him to tell the consultant about the coming last business. His consultant said 'someone with your heart condition should get a gold medal just for walking out on the field. Exercise will help us judge how well you're doing - if you get breathless more quickly than last year, we know something is not going right'.

Our DS was listening to 'Waterloo' in the car one day and picked up on the 'I feel like I win when I lose' line. That became his mantra. We'd sing it on the way to school, he told his friends he was going to come last so they didn't! And he kept his word every year by coming last and would take a bow!

Fast forward to secondary school and practice for the sports day there. He came home beaming. He'd come second to last in the practice. Made his day and showed him that not giving in pays off eventually. He wasn't fast enough to qualify (which also made his day as he hates sport so had a great time cheering on his faster friends in their heats).

The point is that, if you take him out this time, when does that stop? Next year? Three years time? Never? When does he find out he is getting faster or better at things? When does he get the pride of being 'second to last rather than last this year' if he never takes part?

It's not about resilience. It's about learning that some things in life just have to be done whether we like them or not. Taking them out of sports day is fine - I don't think it's an important thing. But is that rule going to apply for the rest of their school days or are you going to have to bite the bullet at some point and say 'sorry love, you've got to go in' when they're in secondary school and they have practice heats in every PE lesson for a month. Because they don't just miss the 'humiliation' of practice - they miss maths, English, geography or whatever else they've got that day. Or do you have them having a 'hurt leg' and sitting out. Because the other kids will figure that one out over the years and they'll get teased about that!