To withdraw my child from school sports day

[MissHoollie]

So my son age 7 has been upset for a few weeks about sports day and " always coming last"
None of us in the family are sporty and my other children " were always last " but they didn't mind at all and it almost became a family joke with them enjoying the fact it was a family tradition to be rubbish at sport
So my 7 year old is begging not to take part
We've done all the " it's fine ..someone has to be last in the races "
" You are good at other things "
" It's part of life "
But he's still loosing sleep over it all.
They've been practicing all week which is winding him up even more.
So it occurred to me , and this is where I need perspective.
Would schools parade kids out in order of best reader to worst for all the parents to applause the best reader? ,no of course not ,so why do schools do this?
Yes it's good to celebrate success but why is it so demoralising for some kids ?
Am I being unreasonable taking him out of school that day?
As I say looking for other perspectives

Do you realise you are using the ones who fail to validate the ones who win "needing a full field"? Like trans using women athletes to validate themselves? Let the good athletes race other good athletes, not the ones whose leg muscles aren't fast, beating whom is no kudos. How many of you are justfying the sports day as "someone has to come last". When it's always you it's soul destroying. Just try seeing it through the struggle of some one who always, every time, year after year comes last. It's torture. Added to always being picked for teams last every week.

I got round that with other ways of picking teams when I taught PE.

Meant to say, keep your child off.

Isn’t the point that those who learn to confront failure and deal with it are far more likely to be happy with themselves later in life. It is horrible for anyone to come last in anything but it happens to everyone sooner or later and isn’t it a parent’s job to help a child cope with the perceived humiliation.

By allowing them to miss school you are making it a big deal. I’m guessing they are phoning in sick? So add in a lie to that too. Great parenting all round…

There was no need to phone in sick on sports day at my dcs school in the 80s. If you didn't want to join sports day the school was fine with it.
It's making sports day a big deal that's making it a big deal.

Tests are not the same. Every child, sporty or not, has to participate in PE. This is normal. Academic tests are not performed in front of an audience. That is why they are different.

I’ve never seen kids forced to read at assembly in front of parents, so possibly they don’t do it at our school. If my kids struggled badly with reading and were forced to read passages at assembly in front of an audience I would go into school and have a conversation about this as I don’t think it’s a good learning environment.

Again, why does it bother you? Of course the sporty children could still compete in sports if they want to do so. Why should those who are not confident in competing in athletics in front of an audience participate?

Yes of course children who don’t like speaking in public have to participate in assembly and read in front of peers and teachers. Otherwise how will they gain confidence?

They have the skill capacity to do it and need to overcome shyness and gain confidence. No amount of confidence can give you the physical capacity to not keep coming last in races. It's just demonstrating over and over again that no matter how hard you try, you'll never win a race against your peers.

Also sometimes it is just maturity. I used to find public speaking so anxiety inducing that it would make me unwell. As I got older I matured and thought differently and now I speak in front of people all the time.

Plus atmosphere. Putting yourself out there by choice in theatre group or a sport club or at uni/higher education where you’re surrounded by others who are like minded and form a supportive environment is so different than being forced out of your comfort zone surrounded by others who may not be supportive. One is a great way to help kids overcome difficulties. One is a great way to make them uncomfortable and give them bad memories.

Except that isn't what OP is saying. Her son is anxious and worrying over it despite the usual ''Just do your best'', ''Someone has to come last'' etc that can work for some children.

By insisting he take part in this meaningless, unimportant race I'd be saying it's a big deal. It certainly isn't worth a 7 year old getting so upset and worried about.

I wouldn't phone in sick. I'd have a word with the teacher first to see if he could participate in a different way such as just sit and cheer on friends and/or help hand out any awards/trophies but if that wasn't possible, I'd just tell them that he isn't going.

But adults can opt out of some things.
I can choose to do or not do many many things for any reason or none.

If I chose a job where sports day/pick your equivalent was compulsory then I would deal with it or not ever take the job.

Blimey, I hope you warmed up before that stretch. You can't equate a seven year old child's sports day to the hugely complex and emotive topic of trans people in sports.

I can directly compare with an exam. Same school, same teacher. Said I was lazy, even when I always came top. I never knew what I wasn't doing that she thought I should be. I finished work quickly and spent a lot of time staring at the map on the wall. Anyway, we had an exam, called the Common Entrance, though I don't believe it was. We sat a mock version, and Mary (not her name) came top, and I came one mark less. Then we had the real one, and I came top. and Mary came one mark less. She was usually Form Leader and went on to become Head Girl, and a very nice girl she was. On Prize Day, I got a great big cup big enough to hold a champagne bottle. One day when I wasn't in the room Miss told the rest of the class that I shouldn't have got it because I was lazy. I had never had a prize before, my younger sister had one every year, except the Mrs D one which she only awarded one year to me.

It was only when I was marking SATS and hunting through to make sure I had given every child every point they deserved that I realised that Miss must have spent ages on Mary's and my papers hoping to award the prize to Mary, so I absolutely did win.

And she left a legacy. Every year when I got my OU results, I dreaded opening them because I was afraid of failing. Although I usually did rather well.

I am, as I mentioned, 77. For a school which claimed to develop each girl's potential fully, to leave me with this sort of stuff is ridiculous. So thinking that children get over failing easily is easy for people who only see it once, but where it is reinforced year after year it soaks in deeply. You can see it would be bad for reading and maths, but not sport. Being told it is a fatal flaw in character, not trying hard, being lazy, when you don't experience that...Horrible.

You hear it on here sometimes, particularly round Christmas, adults who don't want to go to the work's do and feeling pressured to go. Posters on here telling them they don't have to, why should they etc. But kids, well they have to do it, it's so important that they get the practice at being miserable because it's a skill don't you know and how will they get through life if they haven't practised hard enough.

"At that age, they volunteer for their events so the kids who are rubbish end up in the egg and spoon race."

Oh dear - my granddaughter ended up the egg and spoon, the sack race, stilt race, skipping and obstacle race. (She was tangled for ages in a large net she had to crawl under until I eventually helped her out - no one else did. She never crawled as a baby. She was a quick 'bum shuffler'. We later found out that, because her knees are prone to sublux, she would never choose to crawl.) She certainly didn't volunteer for any sports day races - she was told which races she was in. She must be rubbish. All 'egg and spooners' are rubbish - eh? But then all parents judge - that's true isn't it?

My daughter's school did large team sports days. Whole school was divided into four groups and points were totalled at the end. She didn't have the ignominy of having to come last as, like her daughter is suspected, she has an EDS diagnosis and is also autistic, dyslexic, dyspraxic.

She did find out at High School though that she excelled at long distance running after unexpectedly winning in the first cross country when it happened to rain on a PE day. (Cross country always took place when outdoor PE was abandoned due to heavy rain.) So she did find something she was good at.

Unfortunately, my granddaughter continues to dread this competitive version of sports day where most children achieved a medal last year - and she didn't. (Medals awarded to first 6 children across the line.) A classmate wanted to give her one of her medals, but she wouldn't accept it because she hadn't earned it.

OP - I was a primary school teacher and there were always several children (we knew which children were likely not to turn up) absent in each class on sports days. As a teacher and a parent - I wouldn't judge.

I would keep him off but book something physical that he will enjoy instead. He gets to do some exercise and gets the message that physical activity is something that can suit him rather than fitting in with what society expects.

I'd take him out and go do someone active and fun together.

One of my GC has dyslexia, he was never forced to go on stage and "read" when he couldn't read. With lots of intervention he started to read, he was behind and his reading was slower than others but when he felt ready to face reading in public he volunteered to do it. That was a positive, making him stand up with a book that made no sense to him would have been bullying and humiliating and yet it is OK to do that to children who just aren't good at sport for some reason (dyspraxia is an example.)

I think he should go and its a valuable lesson in not being a sore loser! I do understand - my eldest was terrible for getting upset if he didn't get a win or star of the week or man of the match etc but I don't think opting out is a good idea. He's got over it now as a teenager! Or at least finds other things to huff about!

Nobody is being humiliated. Someone has to come last in every race - so what at least 20 races. There’s quite a bit of projection on here. There’s nothing humiliating about coming last in one race.

There is when you are entered in 3 races, knock down every hurdle and come last in every one....

Which is what used to happen to me. Every year.

Our school has a weekly awards ceremony where academic achievements are celebrated. Along with any achievements outside of school

• swimming, sports, fundraising anything. Parents go to these assemblies. My ds rarely gets anything as he's one of these middle of the road types who does well but not good enough to stand out and not bad enough to be recognised as a big improver. However sports is an area where he does shine and he loves it. He loves being in with a chance of winning for once. He loves having his talents recognised and celebrated for once.

I agree it's not nice for the kids who aren't sporty. It shouldn't necessarily be compulsory but then again tests in all areas can be distressing for kids.

I would 100% put my child’s interests first, keep them home.

I think he should go and its a valuable lesson in not being a sore loser!

You can only be a sore loser if you know you have a chance of winning.

To keep being forced to enter a running race which you know you can never win is a completely different concept to being a sore loser.

I was kept off, my non sporty child was kept off, my two sporty kids (in every team going, played some sports at county level) weren't kept off. The 4th one who was OK at sport but not outstanding but didn't hate it went. It's about knowing your child and acknowledging what is best for them as an individual.

Hurdles at primary? I guess every school
is different but we did not do hurdles until secondary and then only those good at hurdles competed.

When I was at school you were in top group 2nd group etc. By the time my kids were at school they were on tables and the tables were known by a colour, my son explained to me that the cleverest kids were on the blue table, the ones who weren't very good were on the green table etc. GC started school and their tables were known by country names, kids knew if you were in India you were the cleverest group.

Kids aren't easily fooled.

But they don't do their SATs with an audience watching, imagine the phonics test when little Johnny struggles and Peter's granddad is laughing because Johnny is so much worse than Peter. The ultimate humiliation when Johnny finally gets one right and everyone starts laughing and cheering. When Johnny's mum objects she's told they are just being encouraging.